What if we Drown (47)

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Grief rose and fell between them with each expelled breath. Evidence of their mutual heartbreak and pain danced upon dewy lashes, sinking into the cracked facades of contorted features.

Ashlyn's hands continued to massage his arms, gently rocking him to the lullaby of her steady beating heart. His words had moved her, the wounds of his guilt raw and inflamed from the attention he'd paid them. She saw his hurt, and she saw his pain, and she wanted nothing more than to take that away from him. But all she had were her assurances, and they'd proven futile against the rigid walls he'd erected around himself.

Pulling back from her embrace, Derek reached up to cup her cheeks and pressed his forehead to hers. His breath was a gentle caress upon her tight cheeks, the last of her tears running from the warm breeze.

"I couldn't save my best friend, but I can still save you." He spoke much too softly for the swift jab delivered to her stomach at his words.

Leaning back, Ashlyn shook her head. He still didn't get it.

What happened to Liam was horrible, and I wish you hadn't gone through that. None of that was your fault. Sometimes, there's nothing we can do to stop these things from happening, no matter how much we pray or we wish they wouldn't. She stopped mid-speech to rub her forearm. But what happened to Liam, that's not going to happen to me. I'm right here, Derek. You don't need to save me.

Derek's brow creased, and she could see the battle that ensued in his gaze as he watched her, processing what it was she tried to say. Understanding fluttered upon his lashes, but beneath those heavy lids, she could still see the uncertainties that plagued him.

Ashlyn's chest tightened as she watched desperately the twitching in his jaw. The wages of war made their mark upon flesh, his brows pinched, and his lip gripped tightly between his teeth with the doubts he battled.

See me, Derek. Brushing her finger beneath his chin, she tilted his head back and skimmed her fingers along his cheekbone. His lashes fluttered, and he released his lip, a silent tear tracking her fingers.

Leaning forward, she brushed her lips over his brow in a gentle kiss.

Feel me.

Another soft brush of her lips over his.

His lips parted with a heavy exhale, and he pulled away. Leaning back on her heels, Ashlyn gripped her forearm, her nails biting the surface with the resistance to scratch. For months she'd fought this habit, only to have it surface again with such temptation at the earliest sign of a threat to her security.

"I do see you, I do feel you, and that's why I can't bear to lose you. I can't fail you like I did Liam."

He was right. He did see. But what he saw was a misconstrued perception, tainted by the guilt that shrouded his vision. He saw with fear and the failings of his past.

"It was fate that brought us together; it had to be. Here I was, in a new town wanting a fresh start away from all that had tarnished Liam's memory. And there you were. My chance at redemption. My second chance to do the right thing." Even as he spoke, Ashlyn could see how strongly Derek believed in what he said, blind to the underlying insinuations.

Her shoulders dropped, the weight of his truth too much.

Unchecked fingers began to scratch, the drag of nails a welcome distraction from the splinters scabbing over in Ashlyn's heart. The subtle shift of weight as she leaned further back went unnoticed.

Surprise marred her gaze when he instinctively mirrored her posture, and she couldn't help wondering what thoughts tumbled upon the shores of his mind. Were they as tumultuous as hers? A violent storm submerging all breath of life beneath its mighty tides?

Guilt, like grief, was a force to be reckoned with, and when paired together as it was in Derek's eyes, her heart stood no chance. Stronger than love, his failings pushed him towards her, while disbelief pulled her away.

In silence, they sat, Derek watching Ashlyn while she watched the walls resurrect between them. Brick by blinding brick, it grew, solidifying the distance between them, her heart shrinking beneath the silence.

He'd said the words she'd hoped never to hear him say, and there was no going back on them now. Trust broken; doubt had asserted its position over her mind.

I wanted to believe it was real, she thought. But it wasn't. It never was.

A lump formed in her throat, and the hatch which contained all the doubts she'd thought defeated was once again released.

You were a matter of convenience, his love a mask for his true intentions.

Another brick manifested upon the wall she envisioned, blocking off everything below the bridge of Derek's nose. Ashlyn looked into his eyes, the emotions which churned there and felt her heart sink.

This would never have worked.

Sniffing, Ashlyn shook the thought away. She'd wanted it to work—more than anything.

When the voices in her head became too much, Ashlyn stood and dusted the dirt and grass from the back of her legs.

I want to go home, she signed, devoid of all emotion. Hugging her stomach, she stepped up to the pavement where she waited for Derek, not looking back to see that he followed.

Training her gaze on the building across the street, the name that had started all of this, Ashlyn was filled with regret. If she'd never agreed to go with him, what might things have looked like between them? Would the universe have found another way to stomp on her heart, or would they have gone on surviving together, balancing precariously on the ledge between their future together and the past that relentlessly pursued?

If only I could turn back time, have a do-over, she thought.

The crisp scent of apple wrapped itself around her. Ashlyn's arms tightened around her stomach, wishing they could instead wrap around his. But that wouldn't happen. Not anymore.

"You ready?"

Glancing at Derek, who stood awkwardly to her side, Ashlyn nodded.

His hand hovered at her back as they crossed the street in silence. Stopping at the passenger side of the pickup, she glanced over the roof to Derek, who stalled on the other side. A shared look of regret passed between them, a silent acknowledgment of the mistakes they'd both made and the consequences they now lived with.

With a sad twitch of her lips, Ashlyn tried to force a smile before she sucked on her bottom lip and opened the door.

The silence within the cab, and the thoughts that tried to fill it, were uncomfortable. Before the building had even left the rearview mirror, Ashlyn reached over to turn the radio on. Switching between the different channels, she finally stopped when a country ballad crackled over the speakers.

Settling back against her seat, she shrugged when Derek turned to her, his brow arched. Her strong dislike for country music would at least give her somewhere else to focus her thoughts for the hour and a half drive ahead.

Derek turned his head back towards the road, and his hands tightened against the wheel. Turning her head away before her hands could do something else she'd regret, Ashlyn watched the blur of greys and greens that rolled outside her window, the moisture in her eyes adding a glassy sheen.

By the time Derek pulled into her driveway and parked next to her yellow beetle, Ashlyn's head throbbed. Never again would she put herself through the torture of that much country music.

Pulling down on the handle, she started climbing out of the cabin when a hand on her arm stopped her. His touch was warm, constructing another question mark over their lives. One she didn't know how to answer.

Closing her eyes, Ashlyn warred with conflicting desires. It was still too soon. Exhaling, she opened her eyes and turned to face him. Without meeting her gaze, he removed his hand, and it sank into his pocket, reaching for something.

"Please, just think about it. Not for me, and not for your family," he said, handing her a crumpled business card. "But for you."

Her nod was weak as she reached over and took the card. Derek held the card for a moment longer than necessary, his thumb caressing hers. The breath caught in her throat, and he pulled his hand back.

Turning the card over in her hands, Ashlyn examined the single piece of card that had come between them.

"I failed, and I hurt you, and I'm so sorry for that," Derek whispered, his breath catching. Pocketing the card, Ashlyn looked up at him, and her heart stopped.

She hated to see the wounded defeat etched upon his features, clouded by the guilt that pressed down on him. He blamed himself when it was as much her fault as it was his.

You were only doing what you thought best. She signed, the movements easier to form than she'd have thought. She understood why he'd done it, even if she disagreed with it.

"I ruined everything, didn't I?" He asked with remorse. She wanted to say no, that things would be okay. But she wasn't so sure anymore. The last fragment of light in his eyes went out, and his shoulders slumped further.

"God, I'm so sorry, Ash." Clenching his hands around the wheel, the muscles in his arms clenched. Derek tipped his head forward, his forehead resting upon his knuckles. "I failed again," he whispered to himself, but she heard.

Her heart twisting, Ashlyn reached over and placed her hand on his arm. He didn't lift his head. With a sad smile, she squeezed his arm, then stepped into the afternoon sun.

Suddenly, her ray of sunshine nestled on the hill no longer looked so radiant. An overcast shadow tarnished everything around her, and standing there on her front porch as she watched Derek reverse and drive down the street, she wondered if the heat would ever return.

Turning the card between her fingers, Ashlyn watched the name upon it blur beneath the early morning sun. She wasn't sure how long she'd sat there, vision focused on the bleeding letters and numbers. At least three hazelnut lattes long.

Peace had not been kind to her in sleep. Fitful gasps and restless thoughts had been her bed companion, taking up more space than she'd been prepared to offer. When the steady purr of a sleeping Coley and the sleeping tablet she'd taken hadn't been enough to silence her mind, Ashlyn set up camp at the dining table, armed with a pen, a notepad, and the dreaded business card.

When the moon had bid farewell, and the sun had risen from its slumber to kiss the morning dew, a pro and cons list had stared back at Ashlyn. That same list which weighed on her mind at that moment, the card completing another turn upon her fingertips.

Chewing on her bottom lip, she dropped the card and took the weary pen. The pen hovered over the page for a moment, before red ink bled upon the page, and Ashlyn circled the last point on her pro's list: everyone will stop asking me to go.

If she did this, if she humored them and met with Dr. Martin just once, then that would be it. She could be done with this therapy talk and show them once and for all, how pointless it was. Maybe then they'd stop walking on the broken glass around her and accept that she was okay. That was all she wanted.

Having made up her mind, Ashlyn reached across the table and grabbed her phone - tossed away in a moment of weakness the night before - and opened a blank message.

I'll do it. But only one session, and then you stop. When it proves useless, you have to accept it and trust that I know what I'm doing, and I'll be okay. You have to promise this is it. No more going behind my back. No more secret therapy appointments. You let this go, once and for all. Promise?'

Her fingers hovered over the send button, her eyes drawn to the name at the top of the message. Could she do it? Pretend that everything would be okay between them after this act, protected by this one promise?

The weight in her stomach and the ache still present in her heart told her no. Erasing the message before her finger could slip, Ashlyn dropped the phone and covered her face with her hands.

With one message, she'd almost led him on, and that wouldn't have been fair to either of them. Still, she couldn't make sense of left from right, her desires from her needs. The dust needed time to settle, the delicate truths she hoped would be needed time to stand firm against the waves of lies that came. She only hoped that by the end of all this, what remained would be worth the battle.

But what are you even fighting for? The thought whispered through her mind, and she didn't even have the answer. Perhaps this could be the start of discovering it.

Scrolling through her contacts, she clicked on Zion's name and waited for his screen to connect. When his face, surprised as it was, greeted her, Ashlyn gave a nervous smile.

"Ash, hey. Is everything okay?" His gaze darted to something off-screen, then back to her.

Resting her phone against a small potted succulent, Ashlyn leaned back in her chair and shrugged.

Of course. Shouldn't it be? She asked, the half-lie falling effortlessly from her fingertips, the truth stowed away deep within.

Shaking his head, Zion's lips softened into a relieved smile. She could see the tension as it left his shoulders at the bottom of the frame.

"Not at all. I guess I was just a little surprised you'd call so soon after..." His words trailed off, but she knew what he'd intended to say: after what he'd done yesterday, playing a part in Derek's master plan.

Ashlyn scratched her forehead, her gaze averted.

Can we not talk about that right now, please?

"Sure thing. What was it you wanted to talk about then? You're avoiding my eyes, so I know this isn't one of our usual catch-ups." His chuckle was light but strained.

Lifting her head, she narrowed her eyes and locked her gaze on his.

I just wanted to let you know, you win.

His lips drew a straight line as he leaned closer to the camera.

"None of this was about winning, Ash. We only want you to be happy and free. Ever since this friendship with Derek, you've changed. The old Ashlyn has resurfaced, and you have to admit, he's made you feel stronger, braver. Happier. You've been completely you again. All that's left now is to let your heart heal that last broken piece."

And look where strong and brave landed me? Bitter thoughts surfaced, and she tightly wound her fingers together to keep these thoughts from spilling any further. She felt anything but happy lately.

"Derek and I, we did it only because we love you, and we care," Zion added, as though sensing her thoughts.

Love. Another lie orchestrated by Derek's guilt.

I already said I would go, Zion. I'll meet with Dr. Martin. She signed her answer. Absently, she reached over to pick up the business card and picked at one of the weakened corners.

Zion's sigh crackled on the other end of the line.

"You're going out of spite, not because it's what you want. But you're going, and I'm happy about that, at least. I know this is going to be good for you. We all have to give up our ghosts at some stage, and this is your moment."

Ashlyn was at a loss for words. For as long as she could remember, her ghosts - as Zion called them - had been her comfort. Her assurance that he wasn't really gone. But Zion was asking her to let him go. As if it would make things any better. At least she knew through the hurt and the heartache, he was still there with her. Her father's ghost, the memory of their pain, kept her from forgetting.

When the aches faded, and the thoughts stopped coming, what then would remain? Her eyes welled up at the possibility of such a thing, and she wiped the back of her hand over her cheeks.

"Just try to keep an open mind, yeah?" Zion said, bringing Ashlyn's mind back to the moment. Wiping the droplets from the corners of her eyes, Ashlyn nodded.

I promise, she said, then held her pinky up to the screen. A crooked smile claimed Zion's lips as he held his pinky to hers. She doubted this time round would be any different, but for him, she promised to at least try.

"Oh, and Ash. I know you're hurt right now but go easy on Derek. This was as much my fault as it was his."

Ashlyn's grip on her lip was tight as she chewed in hesitation. She was sure she could taste the metallic tang of blood welling beneath her teeth.

Deep down, she knew that they'd both meant well. But Zion had never given her any reason to doubt his love or his best intentions. He'd always been honest with her. Derek, however, had all but asked for her doubts by his own admission.

It's not that easy, Zi. It's not the same.

"I know. But the things worth fighting for are never easy. And trust me, he's worth it." There was a confidence in his voice, and Ashlyn couldn't help wondering just how much Zion really knew about Derek.

Abel had said the same thing, and she'd been determined to fight for him at that moment. But what would she even be fighting for? The memories of how Derek made her feel? The dreams she'd nurtured of a future together? The tendrils of love she could no longer deny as they stitched the broken pieces of her heart back together?

She wanted to fight. Regardless of what he'd said and done, she wanted this to work. And that was what scared her most. That in the end, it would be for nothing. When his guilt was appeased someday, Ashlyn worried that he'd move on, and she'd be left with nothing but the ghost of his memories too.

What if Zion was wrong, and this wasn't worth fighting for? But what if he was right?

"Anyway, I gotta go feed Ellie. I'll call you later?" He asked, his face growing larger on the screen when he picked up the phone and began walking around the room.

Ashlyn nodded, a small smile upon her lips. Talk to you later.

"I love you, Ash, and I'm proud of you." The light that glinted in his iris' was warm with the sincerity of his words.

I love you too, she answered, pressing a kiss to her fingertips then her fingers to her screen.

A moment later, the screen went black. Leaning back on the chair, Ashlyn tilted her head back and sighed at the ceiling. From the corner of her eye, several dark spots caught her attention; pasta sauce.

Her stomach churned at the reminder of how things had once been. Flashes of heated gazes, forbidden desires, the kiss

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