What if we Drown (28)

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I hope you will know today that there is no one as understanding or as understood as you.

Ashlyn's lips turned up in a beaming smile as she re-read the message on her phone twice more.

For the past few weeks, Derek had frequently made small gestures, reminding Ashlyn that he saw her and that he cared. Each one stole her breath as much as the last, and the butterflies that lived in her stomach had all taken to a permanent flight pattern, their flapping a gentle reminder of what had been given to her.

On the days that she needed her space and a chance to process everything, Derek respected that, almost as though he had a sixth sense that told him when to act and when to let things be. But on the days that he did act, his reminders came at precisely the moment when her doubts were most prominent. Like a thriving plant lost to the harshest of winters, the doubts were silenced, and faith took to life in their place.

The mornings when she awoke to an encouraging text message from Derek, reminding her of her worth and her strength, Ashlyn took those words to heart and felt as though she could have done anything. On those mornings, she was a dandelion seed, lifted on the winds of time, soaring through the skies, existing beyond the chains of fear.

Most days, Derek would walk into Salt at precisely one o'clock and invite her to lunch. Some days they ate at Salt, and other afternoons when the sun was high, and the breeze was warm, they sat out by the waterfront sharing a plate of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and fresh fruit. It was in these simple acts - the homemade lunches, the morning texts, the smile he always carried - that Ashlyn glimpsed his heart.

Their sign language classes had resumed as usual, and Derek had made significant progress. He'd surprised her one evening when he'd picked her up from work so that they could head to the library together by demonstrating some of the new phrases, of the personal sort, that he had learned courtesy of Abel.

Abel had let it slip before he left that Derek had been spending time with him into the late hours of the night, asking as many questions and learning as much as he could.

"He is one determined man," Abel had told her before he boarded the bus.

Mila had given birth to a healthy little boy three weeks after Abel was discharged from the hospital, and Abel had finally been cleared by his doctor to leave town so that he could visit their little family.

Ashlyn had smiled, wishing him all the love and joy for the next three weeks before she hugged him goodbye.

That night she had laid in bed thinking on the kindness and love that Abel had taught Derek to voice in his signs. The things he had said had been some of the most distinctive and beautiful things that anyone had done for her, and often when he spoke, her heart would soar.

She had managed to cry more happy tears in those last few weeks than she had in her twenty-eight years. On the days that she found her doubts speaking louder, she would look back on the things that Derek had said and done, and remind herself that her doubts had no ground to stand on. Someone had shown her that they were prepared to fight for her, and she was going to do the same. For once, the desires of her heart held more precedence than the doubts of her mind.

"Ashlyn?" Her brow raised with confusion, uncertain of the source of the voice. The voice chuckled.

"I think I lost you for a second, Tochter," She could hear the laughter still in his voice as it reminded her where she was and what she was supposed to be doing.

With a shake of her head, Ashlyn blinked away the confusion and glanced up from her phone screen with laughter in her eyes.

Abel's smile radiated through the screen as he welcomed her back.

Sorry, I shouldn't have. It can wait. She smiled sheepishly and tossed the phone towards the cushions in the corner of the sofa. What were you saying?

Abel dismissed her apology with a knowing smile, then resumed his story about how excited Luka would get when he heard a rattle as he breathed heavily and pumped his fists. Abel laughed as he spoke, his fists moving in imitation, his eyes alight with love and adoration she'd never seen in him before. When he talked about little Luka, and the way he clung to his little finger, Ashlyn could see that Abel had found his second greatest joy.

Abel had been away for a week now and had insisted on keeping up with their weekly coffee, even if it had to be via video call. A plan which Ashlyn had immediately agreed to.

"When he sleeps, there is no doubt that he is Mila's boy. The way he clutches at his toes and smiles that sleepy, milk-drunk smile, he looks just like she did at that age," Abel chuckled, rubbing his face.

Ashlyn smiled at her computer screen, thankful that Abel had had this opportunity to go and visit. After everything he had been through, he needed this break to bask in the love and miracles around him.

Abel raised his coffee cup to his lips and took a sip, failing to hide the scrunching of his nose. He groaned, looking at Ashlyn.

"I miss Kass' coffee." Abel sighed. "Mila found this special decaf blend at the market and refuses to let me drink any of the good stuff," he pouted, placing his cup to the side of the screen. Ashlyn covered her laugh with her hand.

She's just looking out for you, Ashlyn answered, knowing that she would have done the same had she been in Mila's position. Anything that might help to prolong his life for just a little longer was worth trying.

Abel nodded, understanding the words that she did not speak.

"How have things been between you and Derek, Tochter?" Abel asked, taking another sip of coffee and coughing, forgetting his distaste for it.

Ashlyn was sure that the smile that grew more pronounced in her cheeks was evident enough of how well things had been since she'd last spoken to Abel before he'd left eight days ago.

There's still so much that I don't understand about him, about our friendship. But where it would have terrified me before, it's exciting now. She picked up her coffee and took a sip, savoring the hazelnut flavor that lingered on her taste buds.

Just the other day, when I was picking up some supplies from the store for Kass, I saw Derek across the street. There was a dog tied to the bike stand, beneath the heat of the sun. He didn't even hesitate before he untied the knot, took the leash, and led the dog into the shadows beneath an awning where he fed the dog the water from his bottle. She looked at the screen, recalling the scene as it happened, her eyes round with wonder. He can't have known that anyone was watching, which further proved that it was just the person that he was. A person who cared.

I've never known a person to be so calm and compassionate towards anything, she said, her thoughts consumed by her admiration for the heart and the man.

"He has a heart of gold that one does," Abel smiled a knowing smile. "You've both done well in finding one another." Though the shock at his words was minimal, her knee jerk reaction was still to deny it, least it should jinx everything.

I don't think that -

Abel held up his hands, cutting her off with a chuckle.

"It's okay, dear. I know that things aren't quite there yet. I'm just glad to hear that things are well between you." He looked at her with a smile that said one day, things would be more. She was no longer sure of what percentage she agreed or disagreed with this statement. All that she knew was that she was enjoying these days together and that she hoped they would last.

Abel's voice brought her back into the present moment.

"I'm proud of you, Tochter, for putting your fear aside and trusting your heart. It's something I saw your father often do, and it never led him astray." There was pride in his voice as he spoke.

A flush kissed Ashlyn's cheeks, her heart gratified to be compared to her father. Perhaps his legacy would continue to live on after all, in the lives of those he touched.

A shadow moved across the screen as Mila entered view, a sleeping baby cradled in her arms.

"Hi, Ashlyn," Mila settled onto the sofa beside Abel and smiled through the screen. Though her eyes looked weary, and the lines of her forehead spoke of her exhaustion, Ashlyn could see the markings of joy etched into her brow, the sparkle in her blue eyes. Mila was a mother so wholly in love with the sleeping babe in her arms.

The three of them spoke for a few moments about their respective lives, when Luka began to stir, his eyes opening. Ashlyn was struck with a fondness so intense and consuming, one that she'd never experienced before when she looked into those gorgeous baby blues. Something stirred within her at the sight, something new and unusual.

She'd always found babies to be an adorable sort, and her walls had always been ineffective against their charm. But this time, things went beyond the usual awe and flutters in her chest. There was a stirring she felt deep in her gut, a desire for something she'd always thought an impossibility for her, but now perhaps had more hope than ever before. The possibility of such a thing both excited and terrified her. Things were changing in quite unexpected ways.

Luka cooed, his hands pumping and his feet kicking out as Abel leaned over and made clucking sounds, and brushed the baby's head.

He's just gorgeous, Ashlyn smiled adoringly, her gaze shifting from Mila to Luka.

"You'll have to visit us sometime, so you can meet him officially," Mila smiled. Ashlyn nodded, appreciating the offer.

"He's going to love spending time with his aunty Ashlyn," Abel looked up to smile at Ashlyn, his index finger caught between Luka's. Ashlyn couldn't deny the excitement that stirred within her at the thought. If she could, she would have been on the next bus to Connecticut.

A knock at the door behind her made Ashlyn jump. Abel and Mila's chuckles reached through the screen to soothe her as she gathered her phone from the pile of cushions and checked the time.

That'll be Derek, she smiled sheepishly, turning to look towards the front door, hesitating.

She wasn't ready yet to say goodbye to Abel. But she'd made plans with Derek, and she didn't want to disappoint him either.

She glanced back at the computer screen, her bottom lip between her teeth.

Wait here? She asked, pausing long enough for him to nod before she stood and went to answer the door.

She stood in front of the door for a moment to brush the crumbs from her shorts and tank top, then opened the door.

His fist was raised to knock again when she pulled the door open with a little too much enthusiasm, his fist almost beating against her chest.

She jumped back at the same moment that he dropped his hand, a smile of glee, dipped in embarrassment, claiming both of their lips.

Lost in his smile, Ashlyn believed that it could have lit her path in the darkest of days. It was as though he'd managed to capture the sun and all of its warmth in that one look. And when he spoke, she could hear that same notion in his voice and in his choice of words.

"Good Morning," he breathed, the warmth he radiated rushing towards her and enveloping her in its embrace.

His smile softened around the edges as he held out a couple of books that had been tucked beneath his arm.

Upon a brief glimpse at the titles, she was sure that the upturn of her lips reflected his, her hand reaching out to take them.

"I found them in one of the boxes from my grandmother's collection," he added, crossing his arms over his chest.

Thank you, she smiled with appreciation, her fingers stroking the delicate spines as she studied the titles.

She'd been struggling with one of her college papers on Russian History and had made a passing comment to Derek about it a couple of nights ago. Never would she have expected him to have gone out of his way to check his collection. The gesture further supported her earlier beliefs around the condition of his heart.

She stepped aside and gestured for him to enter. Derek followed behind her as she moved towards the kitchen, where she placed the books on the kitchen counter.

I completely lost track of time and was just in the middle of a video call with Abel. She signed, her eyes shifting to the sofa across the room.

"That's okay. How is Abel?" Derek asked, leaning casually against the counter.

He's actually still on the phone. Ashlyn grimaced. Give me five minutes? She asked, her eyes pleading that he did not leave in the interim.

Derek chuckled, turning her and pushing her towards the living room where her laptop sat on the coffee table.

"Go, Ash. Take all the time you need," he chuckled, his hands still on her shoulders, guiding her towards the sofa. With a grin, Ashlyn walked around to the front of the sofa and sat in front of the screen.

"Derek," a deep and quaking voice called from the screen, the name spoken with affection.

"Hey, Abel. It's good to see you," Derek bent down behind the sofa and returned Abel's wave.

"It's good to see you too. Things are going well?" Abel asked.

Ashlyn turned her head slightly to look at Derek as he rested his arms on the back of the sofa, his elbow brushing her ponytail.

"Things have been great," Derek answered, his eyes shifting to capture hers, a pleasant crease filling his cheeks. A look meant just for her.

Ashlyn glanced back towards the screen, the heat in her cheeks making her uncomfortable in front of her friends. Even after all this time, all of his kind words and sweet gestures, he still knew how to inspire a reaction out of her. She feared she would never grow used to him, but she was looking forward to trying.

"I'm glad to see that you two were able to repair this friendship," Abel spoke with a father's pride. Yet again, Ashlyn felt a warmth in her chest, Abel's approval meaning so much to her.

"The road to this point was bumpy, but it was certainly worth it," Derek answered, nudging her ponytail with his elbow. Ashlyn looked down at her hands that rested in her lap, nodding in agreement with Derek.

She hadn't made things easy, and at times that guilt reared its ugly head in an attempt to choke the joy she'd found. It wasn't always an easy feat to navigate beyond the guilt, but she believed that with each day it's power over her was diminishing as she realized that no one held her acts or defenses against her. If anything, they celebrated the strides she had made, and she was learning to do the same, checking off each little milestone as she reached them.

How fortunate was she that she was surrounded by a supportive community who believed in more for her.

Luka's fussing began to encroach on Ashlyn's musings as he grew weary of the conversation, and Mila sighed.

"I'm sorry, but I should go. When he gets like this, it's best I listen," Mila chuckled. "It was good to see you again, Ashlyn. And nice to meet you, Derek." Mila spoke in a rush, her smile apologetic. She stood and walked out of view, Luka's fussing getting louder the further she went.

Abel's cheeks lifted, his eyes crinkled as he smiled at Ashlyn and Derek. The look made her feel oddly warm and nervous all at once.

"This makes me very happy," he beamed, pointing at the two of them. Ashlyn rolled her eyes. They'd already had this conversation not thirty minutes ago.

It's not -

"We're not-"

They both went to answer at the same time, and Abel laughed.

Ashlyn felt a stirring in her stomach, wondering how Derek felt when he heard people saying and implying such things. Did he feel those same stirrings of butterflies, and the breakout of sweat on his palms, just as she did when the topic came up? Did he lay awake at night thinking of all the possibilities of something more?

Or was he indifferent to it all, wishing that people would stop with their assumptions and predictions?

She tilted her head so she could watch him from the corner of her eye, trying to gauge his thoughts. Unfortunately, he appeared just as he always did, and she wasn't sure how to interpret his body language. He was just Derek; the same Derek he'd always been around her.

"Let this old man have his fantasies," Abel grinned. Ashlyn and Derek chuckled.

A noise came from beside Abel, and he turned his head. He nodded twice before turning back to the screen with an apologetic smile.

"I'm sorry to end our conversation here, Tochter, Derek, but I must go."

Give Luka lots of cuddles and a kiss from me, Ashlyn smiled.

"Of course. You two take care," Abel waved to the both of them, which they answered, before the screen went black, the call ended, leaving her alone in Derek's company. 


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