What if we Drown (23)

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For the next two weeks, Ashlyn and Derek continued to meet after work to work on his sign language skills. Derek was picking it up quicker than she'd thought he would. He'd even admitted to doing his own study each day because he wanted to be able to communicate with her. His tenacity in that regard was to be revered.

After the intensity of that first night, Ashlyn made sure to establish some clear boundaries with Derek to prevent it from happening again. With that in mind, they'd made sure to study in public places; the library, the park, Salt. Anywhere that people's watchful eyes would keep her from acting on the foreign thoughts she'd been having.

If it hadn't been for Kass disturbing their moment that night, then things would have been a lot more difficult to claw back. At least now, it was just her impulses that she had to keep in check, and not an act itself.

The nights that she could wrangle Kass or Abel into helping were even better. Often, however, they made a last-minute excuse, and she was left to instruct Derek on her own.

Ashlyn's mind had been a fruitless place since the almost kiss. When Derek was near, she was torn between running closer or running in the opposite direction. Her nerves were absolutely shot, and her thoughts could no longer be trusted. The mental tug of war was more turbulent than ever, an endless cycle of pulls and pauses. Her mind was exhausted, and her heart was marked with rope burn, but still, she could not let go.

Outside of their classes, Ashlyn wanted nothing more than to take a break from seeing Derek everywhere. She needed that time to clear her head and process everything that was circulating in her mind.

But those moments when he wasn't around, he may as well have been with how much he circulated in her thoughts.

The more time they spent together, Ashlyn found herself warming up to him and everything that he represented. Just the thought of seeing him made her giddy with excitement and dizzy with doubts. But those mixed feelings aside, she found herself relaxing more into the complicated friendship they had. It was beginning to feel right, and she felt that soon enough she'd be able to tell him everything and truly let him in.

It had been a slow morning at Salt, with most people spending some extra time outdoors, making the most of the sunshine and its warmth. This meant that it was quiet for Ashlyn, leaving her with a lot of time to dwell on her thoughts. It proved both a blessing and a curse as she went around in circles, always coming back to the same focal point; her friendship with Derek.

The dream she'd dreamed the night before was still fresh in her mind, serving to only confuse her further.

She'd been sitting in his apartment again, surrounded by all his books, searching the pages for each of his little notes. His secrets.

But then she'd felt a warm caress across the back of her neck, a gentle but firm arm around her waist. The books before her had disappeared, replaced by a firm chest connected to that handsome face sporting a five o'clock shadow. Molten eyes that watched her with a burning intensity, lips parted as he'd smiled at her, inviting her closer. Instinctively her dream self had leaned forward.

She'd woke with a start, her heart racing and her lips tingling. Right then and there she had itched to call him or show up on his doorstep, she wasn't sure which. She just wanted to hear his voice and see his smile. To know that he was real.

Despite how the dream had affected her body and heart, however, her mind could only conceive the doubts that arose. She couldn't help feeling that she was falling in too deep, and that rock bottom was gaining on her.

Her phone chimed, a message coming through.

Retrieving her phone from her back pocket, she saw that it was from Derek. Her smile was instantaneous, chasing away the doubts her dream had raised. She opened the message.

I've been writing down words all day. Can't wait to learn them all tonight :)

Ashlyn smiled at the phone, a secret on her lips.

Tonight was going to be different, and she couldn't wait. To celebrate the massive strides Derek had taken in his learning so far, she wanted to reward him. So she had made a reservation for three at The Grill, and Derek knew nothing of it.

When she'd first ran the idea by Kass three days ago, Kass had all but shoved the phone into Ashlyn's hand to make the reservation then and there.

All that she'd had to do earlier that morning was let Derek know that he was to meet her at the library at seven, dressed in smart casual. She'd told him that it would be useful in helping to learn the different items of clothing. Just a little white lie, but she was certain he wouldn't mind when he found out the truth. She hoped that he liked surprises.

She placed her phone beside the register and rang up the next customer's order.

Kass reached over Ashlyn to grab a table number and handed it to the waiting elderly woman.

You're still on to join us tonight, right? Ashlyn asked, closing the register with her hip after handing a construction worker their change.

Kass smiled sheepishly, holding up a dish towel to hide behind. Ashlyn grabbed the towel, rolling her eyes. She already knew what Kass was going to say next.

Kass. Her disbelief was evident in the narrowed set of her eyes.

"I'm sorry, but Marcus is trying to grow new produce, and he needs someone to test it out," Kass spoke in a rush. There was the answer Ashlyn knew was coming.

Ashlyn was beginning to think that there was more to these excuses than met the eye. The first day Kass had agreed to help her with the classes, Marcus had suddenly needed help with some out-of-town deliveries. Just last week, he'd been home with the flu, so she'd had to drop round some of her famous vegetable soup. She was beginning to notice a trend.

A sudden understanding dawned on Ashlyn. Her eyes widened with excitement as she rushed Kass, her body quaking with her enthusiasm.

"Don't," Kass warned, her hand raised, stopping Ashlyn's advances.

You and Marcus? Ashlyn's face lit up like a child on Christmas morning when they saw what Santa had brought. For Ashlyn, this possibility was better than any gift. She wanted to see her best friend happy, and as much as Marcus got under Kass' skin, she knew that she cared about him deeply.

"Hold the phone, Ash. I'm just helping him out, as a friend," she said, emphasizing the word friend.

Ashlyn winked, dropping the subject for now. But Kass could bet that she would be coming back to this topic later.

He won't mind if you come to dinner tonight then. I'll change the reservation to four. Please, please, please, Ashlyn pleaded. If she had to, she was prepared to get down on her knees and beg.

"Why are you so averse to going just the two of you? I think it'll be sweet." Kass smiled. "Besides, you two haven't spent time together in forever," she added, her brow quirked.

Before Ashlyn could form a response, Kass handed her a slice of cherry pie on a plate. "Table six." she grinned.

Ashlyn quickly delivered the pie with a smile before walking back up to Kass.

You know why I can't. She glanced over towards the door for a moment, paranoid that he might walk in at the moment.

What if something like that happens again? Ashlyn sighed. She could still recall the intensity of his gaze, the fire that had ignited in her stomach.

"Would it really be so bad if it did?" Kass countered a look of pity masked behind her smile. She squeezed Ashlyn's shoulder before she moved to restock the display cabinet.

Ashlyn raised her hands to answer, then let them fall back to her side again. Would it? She thought. She'd already broken one of her rules where he was concerned. Could she break another? She decided that yes, it would be bad right now. There were still things that needed to be said between them before she could entertain such a possibility.

The endless cycle of thoughts started up again. So she retrieved a cloth from the cupboard and began clearing and cleaning tables in anticipation of the lunch rush. She pushed all thoughts of him to the back of her mind, mentally reciting Shakespeare's Hamlet to keep her mind busy.

For the next hour and a half, Ashlyn cleaned Salt top to bottom. Not a single utensil went unpolished, a shelf undusted, or a plant unwatered.

From her perch on the top rung of the step ladder, Ashlyn looked out over Salt and was pleased with her efforts. And not once had she thought about him. The few scenes of Hamlet that she knew had worked a treat.

She placed the yellow pot containing a succulent back on the top shelf.

"Hey, hun. Can you do me a favor?" Kass called, her head popping up in the serving window around lunchtime. Ashlyn stepped down from the step ladder, then turned to Kass, nodding.

Kass held up a brown paper bag, a guilty smile gracing her lips.

"I promised Derek I'd drop him lunch, but the accounts are due today, and I plum forgot about them." The embers that burned in Ashlyn's gut took to life at the mention of his name. Now that she was thinking of him again, the part of her that wanted to see him jumped to attention.

Ashlyn looked out over the empty tables at the few customers who had already been served and were happily eating. She bit her lip with uncertainty.

With the thoughts that had been bouncing around in her head all morning, the logical part of her reminded her that perhaps that wasn't such a good idea.

"Please," Kass pleaded, appealing to Ashlyn's buried desires.

With a sigh, Ashlyn held her hand out for the bag. It was just one simple delivery. What could possibly go wrong?

"Ah, thank you," Kass squealed, skipping around the wall and hugging Ashlyn, the paper bag squashed between them.

I know what you're doing. Ashlyn laughed.

"I don't know what you're talking about," Kass answered with a cheeky wink.

After confirming that Derek was working with a team at the pier for the afternoon, Ashlyn snuck a couple of extra goodies into the bag for the other workers, then set out into the afternoon sun. Its warm kiss was inviting.

Ashlyn moved with hurried steps down the waterfront, each step bringing her closer to the docks, closer to the man she couldn't get out of her head.

When she drew near to the pier, she was surprised at how busy it was. Several people sat along the railings, their lines cast into the waters below, while others enjoyed their coffee and friendly company. Her eyes danced across the moving bodies, searching for the one that she'd come to see.

A burst of rich laughter, smooth as honey, rose above the other noises around her, and her steps came to a halt. She would have recognized that laugh anywhere. Guided by its sound, she moved towards it, her body floating across the pavement.

The laughter faded, and she came to a stop. Standing on the tips of her toes, she craned her neck, her eyes falling on a group of men gathered in the middle. She was sure that she saw a net at their feet. That had to be them.

Several of the men laughed again, Derek included. The sound wrapped itself around her like a warm hug, and she couldn't help the smile it inspired from her. In the middle of the gathering, Ashlyn spotted him, and her heart skipped a beat. His head was turned up, speaking with one of the other men, the two of them sharing an inside joke.

It seemed, however, the sounds of his laughter had led her as far as she could go. Ashlyn hesitated at the edge of the pier, the toe of her shoe refusing to cross onto the boardwalk. Derek was still too far away, and she had no way to draw his attention, her phone forgotten beside the register.

Derek was crouched down untangling a net, his broad shoulders flexing with his movements. The gentle breeze danced through his hair, her fingers remembering how it felt to feel such locks. She felt a flutter within her chest.

All the thoughts she'd tried to push away began filtering through the sieve of her mind, reminding her of all the reasons she wanted this friendship. All the reasons why she shouldn't.

The man that was speaking with Derek looked up and nodded his head in acknowledgment. She gave a closed-hand wave in response, the paper bag clasped between her fingers.

Another of the men tapped Derek on the shoulder and pointed in her direction. She took a deep breath, promising herself that she wouldn't react on impulse.

Derek turned, a grin splitting his cheeks.

"Ashlyn, hey!" He called out, his joy at seeing her written plain as day on his face.

Hope fluttered in her chest, betraying her thoughts.

When he smiled at her that way, she wanted to be brave, bold, and daring. She wanted to step out on that pier and go to him, to embrace him. For that smile, she would have faced almost anything. Never before, at least not since her father had someone made her feel that way. Like she wanted to make them proud and be a better person. For the first time in a long time, she had hope.

But then he waved her over, and that hope fled. With a stuttering breath, she glanced down at the boardwalk, the memories it held for her. She could almost hear the quiet cackles of the ocean below as the support beams creaked under her power. Ashlyn gulped.

The pier had been rebuilt after that horrid night, extra care taken to ensure that something like that would never happen again. Ashlyn knew that it was safe, sturdy. But it wasn't the structure itself that caused the nausea building in her. It was the darkness that swept below, quietly misleading her into a false sense of security, waiting for her to step out so it could strike again.

She saw flashes of lightning in the photos a couple of tourists took, heard the roar of the storm in the motor attached to a boat that jetted past.

She looked up at Derek, who stood waiting, her eyes wide with panic. He waved again, encouraging her to come over. She shook her head. She couldn't do it.

The man who stood to Derek's right spoke something into his ear, and Derek's smile fell. He looked at Ashlyn with a new sorrow in his eyes, and her heart dropped.

She'd allowed him in, allowed him to have power over the affairs of her heart. He had more influence over her than any other, and the knowledge of that had terrified her. But still, she'd let him lead her on, and how he made her feel had almost won out.

But when she stood her ground, when she refused to let him lead her out beyond this fear, the illusion she'd built that this could work out between them was shattered. She'd already given him so much. But now, she knew that another person would only see her for her past.

He knew.

Whatever friendship had existed between the two of them, it was surely now over. Derek would finally see for himself what everyone else already saw. The timid girl who let her fears rule her, even when they had no power. It didn't matter if it was true or not. It didn't matter how crippling the fear was to her. To others, it was trivial, a minor hindrance. To her, it represented everything.

Some found it ironic that she lived so close to the ocean yet refused to get to close, as though she enjoyed the torture in some twisted way. But the sea was one of the few things she had left of her father, and despite how difficult it was for her to see it each day, it brought her closer to her father, and she could never give that up. Her fear of the ocean was something she'd had every opportunity to face and overcome. But instead, at every turn, she ran.

And that is what she did yet again as Derek watched on. She turned and ran.

Something behind her thudded against the boards, and she heard rushed footsteps drawing nearer.

"Ash, wait," Derek called, his voice reaching out to her and holding her within its grip. She stopped.

His hands went to her shoulders, turning her to face him.

"Hey, it's good to see you." He spoke cheerfully, acting as though he didn't know the last piece of her story. His cheer only served in making her feel worse about what needed to be done. With that one look he'd given her moments before, she knew that this could never work. She refused to be anyone's pity project.

Ashlyn rolled her shoulders, his hands falling away. She handed him the paper bag and coffee that she'd brought for him, all without making eye contact.

"Thank you," he responded, taking the food. She could hear the smile in his voice, but she couldn't bring herself to look at him. If she did, his eyes would entrap her, and she couldn't afford that right now. She had to get away. When she tried to leave again, he dropped the bag and took her hand.

"Ashlyn, hey. Are you okay?" He tipped her chin, forcing her to meet his eyes. The confusion that marked his brow almost broke her. He couldn't see it.

She shook her head. Everything was not okay.

She continued to deflect all of her deepest fears surrounding his potential thoughts towards her on to him, whether they were right or not so that she would feel better about calling this off. When he'd looked at her like that, with pity in his eyes, she'd lost all hope that he would be different from anyone else.

She could see it reflected in his eyes. She was pulling away, retreating into that quiet solitude that had once been her only comfort. Derek shook his head, sensing what she was doing.

"Ashlyn-"

I need to go. She extracted her hand from his, blinking away the tears she felt forming.

"Please, Ash. Talk to me." his voice broke, almost pleading. "Why don't we sit for a minute?" He tried to lead her towards a bench on the pier, almost as though he didn't think about what he was doing.

She took a step to follow him, her foot crossing the line between the pavement and the pier, before she realized what she had done. Terror filled her as she stepped away from him, her chest seizing.

Tears sprang to her eyes, and she had to turn away. Leaning against the railing that joined the pavement to the pier, she tried to draw a deep breath.

She heard his approach behind her.

Please, just stop. Her hands moved with force. She needed him to let it go. She couldn't do this today.

"I'm sorry. I didn't think."

That was one of the things she liked about him. He didn't think about those sorts of things, how his actions might affect her. When she was around him, she didn't feel like she was a porcelain

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