What if we Drown (13)

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Even with the heater going, Ashlyn still felt a chill in the cab of Kass' pickup, goosebumps covering her arms and legs. It took every ounce of restraint she could muster to keep from rubbing her arms. The friction would only irritate the skin further.

The lights of the town were a blur against the night sky, marred by the falling drops of rain. Ashlyn watched the buildings pass by, reflecting on Abel's parting words. This day had come dangerously close to concluding differently, and her heart still couldn't process it all. She'd been saved the heartache of losing someone important to her, and now that same person was encouraging her to let one more person into her messy life. The reminder that she had come close to losing the next closest thing she had to a father terrified her, but she was comforted to know he was going to be okay.

Ashlyn tapped on the window, blotting out each raindrop that rolled beneath her finger on the other side. She sighed, envisioning with each drop the incessant tears she'd already cried. The goodbye they'd set out to say today had almost become permanent.

The vehicle came to a stop at a traffic light, another car pulling up beside them. Ashlyn observed the occupants from her window, a couple laughing in the front seat as they glanced each other's way. In the back, a baby sucked at its toes, its other arm flapping wildly with glee. She thought she could almost hear the soft sound of the baby's chatter. It bought a smile to Ashlyn's cheeks at the display of such joy and childlike innocence. A happy family.

Ashlyn jumped suddenly, her knuckles wrapping against the glass. How could I have been so selfish? she thought. Mila. The baby. Frantically she began digging through the center console where she had stowed her phone. Past the packets of gum and the perfume, her fingers searched.

Finding it at the bottom next to Kass' stash of chocolate raisins, Ashlyn removed her phone. Her hands trembled as she tried to press the home button, but the phone, loose in her unsteady grip, slipped through her fingers. She groaned, watching it fall between the seat and console before she could react quick enough.

"Ash, what is it?" Kass asked with worry, glancing over before her gaze returned to the road before them. The light had turned green. Ashlyn shook her head, readjusting her seatbelt so she could take a closer look in the small gap. She couldn't see anything.

Mila, she signed, her movements rushed before she tried to reach down between the seat and the console. Her arm didn't fit. She clenched her fist in frustration, and Derek shifted on the seat behind her.

"I got it," he spoke quietly, holding his phone out to her, the flashlight on. Ashlyn held the light over the crevice, as Derek maneuvered around her so as not to knock heads.

"It's okay hun. I already spoke to Mila, and so did Abels doctor. She's okay, and she'll call tomorrow," Kass reassured Ashlyn, the click of the indicator filling the silence.

Out of the corner of her eye, Ashlyn saw Derek sit up, her phone held between his fingers. She smiled her appreciation, a smile he returned, and exchanged phones with him.

Emotionally and physically drained, Ashlyn slumped in the seat, her gaze returning to the fading lights on the other side of the passenger window. Unable to store her frustrations, both with herself and the situation she was in, Ashlyn leaned her head against the cold glass. She allowed a couple of her tears to mix with the delicate drops of rain.

With the growing warmth of the heater and the rhythmic drum of the rain outside, Ashlyn felt she could have fallen asleep.

Her arm hung limp at her side against the door, when she felt something warm envelop her hand.

Heavy lids widened as she lifted her head, disorientated by her surroundings. Ashlyn glanced down, careful not to shatter the fragility of the moment she had unknowingly entered and saw that Derek had reached forward to take her hand. Ashlyn looked up again and observed Derek in the wing mirror.

She watched as he continued to gaze out the backseat window, oblivious to the fire that burned between their palms. Was he truly not affected by his actions in the way that she was? Butterflies fluttered in her stomach. Despite everything, the physical contact felt right.

She gave a gentle squeeze, her fingers wrapping around the back of his hand. Though he remained watching out the window, she did not miss the twitch of a smile meant only for her. Clinging to the assurance of a budding friendship, Ashlyn held his hand and finally allowed herself to rest.

Ashlyn's hand burned where the steamed milk had splattered, but not nearly as hot as it had burned when Derek held it the night before. Wiping the back of her hand on her jeans, her cheeks warmed at the memory, and the butterflies took flight. Whenever she was able to stop her mind from leading her into a disastrous what-if spiral, she was filled with a quiet peace in Derek's presence. She only wished it would be easier to trust her heart.

Bending down to grab a clean cloth from the bottom shelf, Ashlyn wiped the milk from the counter where it had spilled. With a sigh, her eye caught the missing chip of emerald on her thumb. Placing the cloth in the wash pile, she stood over the bin and began picking at her nail. She didn't notice when Kass walked in.

"Something on your mind?" Kass asked, sliding a new batch of muffins into the display cabinet.

Ashlyn picked the remaining polish off her thumbnail before looking up to meet Kass' eyes.

Do I seem lonely to you? She was careful to watch Kass' nose as she answered. Her nose always twitched when she told a lie.

"Do you want my honest answer? Or the sugar-coated edition?" Kass asked, draping her apron over the counter. Ashlyn felt her stomach drop, already understanding Kass' opinion on the matter. Kass stepped towards her, a hand on Ashlyn's shoulder.

"Everyone has their moments of feeling alone, and you are no exception, Ash. You've been through a lot; things I wish you'd never had to go through. You found your own way to cope with it, but that doesn't mean you deserve to continue doing it on your own. It hurts you to maintain those walls. I can see it. Abel can see it." Ashlyn gulped. She knew what Kass spoke was the truth, she'd just never thought that others could see the turmoil she went through. She thought she'd been careful. Clearly not careful enough.

"You need friends too, Ash. People that you can trust and feel safe to be vulnerable with. People who can love and support you, and I know it's hard for you to do this, and I am so lucky that I get to be one of those few people for you. But others would also love to be this for you, but only if you want them to be too." Kass spoke softly, her words reflecting the love and confidence that she had in her best friend.

Ashlyn glanced up, biting back the tears at the hurt that filled her.

Why have you never said anything? Ashlyn felt terrible, torn between being angry and feeling hurt. All these years, her closest friends had been hiding these thoughts from her. The hurt must have shown on her face, for Kass pulled her into her arms and hugged her close.

"We love you, so much, and have always supported you and your decisions. And we always will." Ashlyn buried her face in Kass' collarbone. "But now there is someone else who wants to support you and be your friend, and you owe it to yourself to give them a chance." Kass pulled back, brushing the stray curls back from Ashlyn's face. Ashlyn considered everything that Kass had just said and for a moment decided to trust her heart over logic, just as Abel had said. She nodded. Kass was right. She deserved to want this friendship.

I want to try, Ashlyn signed. Kass did a little jump on the spot, clapping her hands with glee. Covering her face with both her hands, Ashlyn laughed.

"Now, bearing in mind everything that I have just said." Kass turned and removed two pastries from the cabinet, then held the plate out to Ashlyn. "Go, and be nice." She winked, turning Ashlyn and pointing to one of the tables in the window.

Derek sat in the window, writing something on a piece of paper. Ashlyn tossed Kass' a playful glare. She knew she'd been set up, and she wasn't sure how she felt about it. Were Kass and Abel conspiring together?

Taking a deep breath, Ashlyn walked over to the table, hesitating just outside of Derek's peripheral vision. Craning her neck, she tried to peek at what he was scribbling down, but his other arm blocked her view. The bandage on his hand was discolored, an indication that he wasn't yet used to wearing it. Was that pasta sauce on the back of it?

Chewing on her bottom lip, Ashlyn tried to think up a way to gain his attention when someone approached from behind.

"Here you go, sailor." Kass grinned, placing two coffee cups on the table before him. Ashlyn's eyes widened when she caught Kass' attention, nodding her head towards Derek, a question of what she was supposed to say communicated between the two of them.

"Thanks, Kass." Derek bought the mug to his nose and inhaled, smiling with delight. He turned in his chair, and Ashlyn knew she'd been spotted.

"Hey, Ashlyn," he added with a playful smile.

That weasel! Ashlyn thought, glancing between the two of them. Were they all in on this?

As if sensing her thoughts, both Derek and Kass laughed.

Ashlyn felt heat pool in her cheeks. Smiling awkwardly, she tried to wave and almost dropped the plate of pastries. Her chagrin deepened as Derek reached out to help. Kass chuckled, taking the plate from Ashlyn and placing it on the table.

Sit. Talk to him, Kass signed before excusing herself. Ashlyn watched her leave, her eyes pleading for Kass to come back, help, do anything. She felt like a fish out of water standing there awkwardly off to the side. Derek must have thought she was silly.

Finally, she mustered enough courage to do something. Ashlyn pointed to the empty chair and glanced Derek's way, a question in her eyes.

"Of course." He nodded, sporting a broad grin. He made a move to stand and pull out the chair, but Ashlyn moved quicker, anxious to step out of the spotlight beaming down on her. Once seated, she resisted the urge to look around and see how many others had observed that awkward scene. Taking the other coffee, she looked down at it, focusing on the elaborate swirls Kass had created in the foam.

An awkward silence ensued between them, each focused on the coffee cup in their hands. Ashlyn chose to brave it and stole a glance in Kass' direction. She was surprised to see her already watching them both with interest.

Don't just sit there, do something, Kass signed, nodding her head towards Derek. She was almost sure she saw Kass roll her eyes.

What—Ashlyn started to sign, when Derek shifted in his chair and glanced over his shoulder. Derek chuckled, waving at Kass. Ashlyn smiled in embarrassment, her hands falling back to the table. She felt like a giddy teenager who'd bought a boy home to study, while mom watched on.

Derek pushed a piece of paper across the table, and she covered her mouth to suppress a laugh when she saw what he'd been working on earlier. He hadn't been writing at all. Several three by three grids were drawn up in the middle of the page; Tic Tac Toe boards.

"You get the first move." He grinned and handed her a pen. Ashlyn smiled at the childish game, all the awkward tension dissipating when she drew a cross in the top left corner. They proceeded to play five rounds of tic tac toe, laughing together and celebrating their small victories.

Ashlyn found herself watching Derek with fascination, admiring the way he smiled to himself when he thought he'd made a winning move or the way he pursed his lips in thought. At times she would make the wrong move just so she could revel in the sound of his laughter when he thought he had won. She had missed finding joy in the little things.

It was their sixth round, and the score was 3-2 to Derek. Ashlyn chewed the end of the pen, hesitating for a moment before she made her next move. If she placed a cross in the top right corner, then she would have him. They both knew it. Though the small victory would be nice, there was something else that was bothering her. Rather than making that winning move, Ashlyn found an empty space on the page. In flowing cursive, she voiced the question that had been on her mind since the night before.

She turned the page to face him and pointed to the text: Why do you care?

Slowly she placed the pen down on the table between them and rubbed her arm. Now that the question had been raised, she couldn't look Derek in the eye. She was afraid of the doubts and regrets that she might see there. She couldn't afford to be torn any further apart at the seams, so it was best she knew his answer before not knowing the truth tore her apart. She still couldn't silence the voice that made her wonder if this was a mistake.

The pen still sat between them; Derek's gaze trained on her. What was he thinking? She had to know. Just when she thought he was going to avoid the question or change his mind and leave, he opened his mouth and spoke.

"You're worth caring about, Ashlyn, and I hope that you know that." He reached across the table and placed his hand over hers. "I don't know your story, but I do know that you are a gentle and kind person who has been dealt a rough lot in life. If I could take all of that away, I would. But I can't." His words were rushed, his sentences running together, fuelled by the candor of his words.

"I made a mistake once and let someone slip through my fingers when they needed to know someone cared, and I won't let the same happen to you." He spoke earnestly, and she believed every word he spoke. Ashlyn placed her other hand on top of his and glanced up from beneath her lashes, smiling. Her eyes glistened with the tears she held back. His words and his assurances warmed her heart. Though she might not be good at it, she wanted to be there for him too. At that moment, she knew that she desired this friendship.

Liam's name drifted through her mind, and she longed to raise the question, but she knew that asking would break his confidence in her. While Abel may have known she was listening to their conversation at the hospital, she was confident that Derek wasn't aware. She had to trust that he would tell her when he was ready.

Patting the back of his hand, she pulled back both of hers and retook the piece of paper. Smiling to herself, she quickly scribbled another question.

Does your invitation to dinner tomorrow still stand? She slid the page across the table and watched him, hopeful. Much quicker than she thought it would take for him to read it, Derek looked up, and his eyes, his lips, and his spirit were all smiling with elation.

"It was never off the table." His joy mirrored her own, and she was sure that if she had smiled any bigger, her cheeks would have split. Her heart fluttered within her chest, and for the first time in, she didn't know how long, she was excited about a social event.


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