chapter thirty-six

But Cade doesn't kiss me. He changes course, setting his mouth to my jaw in a brush of flame.

I'm lost in the feeling of him, but through the heat in my head, a thought sprouts at the back of my mind—the darkest part. It grows as Cade places an open-mouthed kiss on the pulsing skin of my neck, right under my jaw. It becomes menacing as he tilts my head back and starts to lose himself, taking me with him.

I thought I'd be doing this with my blue-eyed boy one day.

I need to acknowledge that Greyson's not mine. Maybe it's time to move on from my childhood fantasies. I won't forget, but I'll grow. At least that's what I'll tell myself.

I'll leave that untold story in the past and just be Greyson's friend. We have all the time in the world to be together however he needs me, and I don't think he wants me like I want Cade.

And then there's Serena, who's waiting for me to mess things up with her son. She's waiting for me to make a mistake so she can swoop in and be the hero.

I've wanted to kiss Greyson every second that he's been back, and each time, I had to tell myself what a big mistake that would be. Friend—that's what he needs. I'm sure.

So, I have this. I can hold Cade and try to make him smile. I can touch him and try to kiss away his pain because I can't do it for Greyson.

With a newfound determination, I hold Cade's sharp jaw and crash my lips to his, ending his exploration of my body. He eagerly flips us around, setting my shoulder blades into the cold sand beneath us. Our mouths move desperately, skipping the calm, gentle phase and sprinting towards a fiery explosion. His body responds between us, and it somehow encourages me.

I feel wanted. I feel chosen. That's why my heart starts to beat just the slightest bit faster than before.

Cade pulls back. "Stop," he whispers, eyes shutting painfully tight. "Stop."

I drop my head back into the sand, staring up at him. My lips are tingling and damp, the breaths from my lungs too fast and short. "Sorry," I breathe out. "I didn't mean—"

"Just...just give me a second." His eyes stay closed.

The air shifts as he climbs off me, sitting in the sand with his head in his hands. My heart seizes in the cold.

He whispers something to himself. It might be my mind playing a cruel trick on me, but I could swear I heard him say 'El' at least once. Maybe twice.

No. He just told me he's trying to move on. He said he doesn't want to hurt me. He wouldn't be saying her name right now.

I sit up, the blood rushing down from my head in a whoosh! My long hair is a mess, puffed out at the sides, sand falling from the strands around my shoulders.

"Fuck," Cade mutters into his hands.

"I'm sorry," I exhale. "That was probably too fast. I'm not trying to—"

"You don't even know me."

My brows pin together. "Of course I know you," I say slowly. "What are—"

"I like video games," he breaks in, snapping his head towards me. "I play them all the time. And I developed one, once. On my old laptop. It was basic, but I made El play it to test it out and she told me it was amazing. I believed her. Obviously." He swallows harshly and keeps going, a furious fire in his green eyes. "I hate cherries. Literally anything cherry flavoured is disgusting and that night at the party—the first one, I mean—you were wearing cherry lip balm. I could taste it. That was the first time I didn't hate cherries."

I open and close my mouth, stuck. "What—why are—what's happening right—"

"I hate reading so much. It's pointless. Why would I read when I could watch TV? And school. I actually like school. But don't tell Tanner or Joe that because—"

"You actually care what they think?" I ask, brows together. "Still? After everything they've—"

"Yes," Cade breathes. "And I know I shouldn't but that doesn't even matter, does it, because I've always cared. I always will. But...but you don't care. About what people think." He stops to glance at me, breathing heavily through his nose.

I blink at him, biting my cheek. "I...try not to. But sometimes...I don't know. It's hard."

"Exactly," he exhales, relief filling his eyes. "That's—"

"But Tanner and Joe...they're not the kind of people you should care about, Cade. No matter how long you've known them."

"You're not listening!" He raises his voice, throwing his hands up. "I do care! I can't be like you!"

My face heats up. "I don't want you to be like me, Cade! I like you the way you are! I want you to be like you!"

He takes a few steadying breaths, returning his head to his hands. The white of his shirt is rumpled. I guess that's my fault.

I wait for him to say something. Anything. But he won't. Waves of melancholy flow off him dangerously fast.

When he does speak, it's quiet, a ghost of a whisper in the hot night air. "I don't think I can do this."

"Cade." I reach to touch his arm. He pulls away.

"Stop. Just stop. Leave."

My heart practically atrophies. "What are you talking about?" I whisper, voice low. "I'm not going anywhere."

"I'm just going to lose you, too. I'm not stupid. This was all borrowed fucking time."

I splutter for something to say. "What are—what do you mean? We can do this. We can."

A harsh laugh escapes his lips. "What—you think we can have an actual relationship?"

I set my jaw. "Yes."

"Then what?" he retorts. "Rainbows and butterflies forever and ever? A fairy-tale ending? Don't be so fucking naive."

"Do not talk to me like that," I warn.

Guilt invades his eyes. He weaves his hands back into his hair, pulling hard. "See? It's only a matter of fucking time until this thing breaks and I'm alone again."

I set my hand on the back of his neck, drawing my thumb under his dark hair. "You're not going to lose me. I'm right here." I wait until he looks at me. This time when I reach for him, I'm steadier. I grasp his face in my hands tightly, leaving no room for objection. "What's going on, Cade?"

He deflates into my hands, closing his eyes as I hold him.

Please just tell me, my mind screams. I don't know how much more of this I can take.

I stroke his face with my thumbs. "Please, Cade...I'm here. I'm not going anywhere. I'm right here."

"I don't know why you're doing this to me," he whispers, pulling away from my hands. "If you keep messing with my head, I'm going to collapse into myself, I swear to god."

My heart slams to a halt as my hands fall limp in my lap. "What? Cade, I'm—"

"It's like you're trying to convince me I'm not fucked up or something."

"You're not," I promise him. "Just because I lost my parents—just because you lost your dad—it doesn't mean we're messed up. It doesn't."

Cade scoffs. "Don't act like you're not talking to yourself. This is all about you, isn't it? You just don't want to be broken. Well that's really too bad. We both are. We're fucked, Chapman. It's too fucking late for us."

Tears spring to my eyes and I can't quite pinpoint why. Maybe because I didn't think he'd talk to me like this. Maybe because I feel weak enough to let him—to forgive him for it. Maybe because I believe him.

With the breeze, I whisper, "I can't think like that, Cade. I can't. We're not broken. You're not." I reach towards him and leave a tender, shaky kiss to his cheek. "Okay?"

He finds my eyes in the sunset. His are glassy too, filled with too many emotions to decipher.

That's when he kisses me, and I kiss him back.

I'm back in the sand with Cade above me. His mouth moves slowly now. He takes his time. My entire body responds to his warmth, pulling him as close as possible. I hold his neck, touch his back, rip the white shirt from his waistband. One of his hands slips under my yellow tank top, moving the tight fabric up to my chest where it stops.

I almost break us apart. I almost think it's a mistake.

Cade moves his mouth ago mine, and I forget what I was thinking. He lifts my shirt, asking for help. I sit up and push down every insecurity I can as I take it off, revealing the plain grey bra secured around my chest. My hands fly to cover it, instinct winning out over confidence, the latter of which I've lost since I was sixteen.

Cade pulls me up suddenly and the blood rushes down from my head. In a quick movement, I'm in his lap again and he's kissing me deeply, a hurried nature to his movements. I forget everything about my pale skin, the faint stretch marks on my arms, chest and stomach, and I weave my hands into the midnight locks atop Cade's head.

Something hits the sand with a thud. I tear myself from Cade's kiss to glance down. As he starts to kiss down my neck, his hands in my long, tangled hair, I catch a glimpse of his phone beside—

My bra is about to be unclipped.

I put a foot of space between us, my hands to Cade's heaving chest. "We're on a beach," I pant, shaking my head.

"I don't care," he says, moving in to kiss me again.

I push against him. "I care."

His dark brows come together. "Didn't you lose your virginity in a car or something? Isn't this better?"

I tilt my head, still breathing heavily. "That doesn't—" I'm about to argue, but my eyes are drawn to the space to our right. Cade's phone lights up.

It's a text from someone named El Bell, and I read it before I have a chance to tear my eyes away, knowing it's not a good idea.

Your dad just came by, C. He was fighting with your mom in your backyard. Why didn't you tell me he was back? I didn't

Cade has the phone in his tight grasp before I can finish.

My mind goes...blank.

"Chapman..."

Stepdad? I didn't think he had one. Close personal friend of his mother's? No. You don't call someone dad without meaning it. Typo? Now I'm just being a self-preserving idiot.

Cade's still as a stone beneath me. His breathing has stopped.

I can't meet his eyes. Instead, I swing my right leg off his lap and stand up, holding my arms around my too-bare torso. Cool wind flows off the freshwater lake ahead. The sky has darkened into deep royal purples and midnight blues and the waves have increased in energy and height.

Where's my tank top? Did I literally chuck it a hundred feet? Why can't—

"Chapman...I...I can explain...I can," Cade stammers, clamouring to his feet along with me.

"Where's my shirt?" I murmur, examining the ground. "I just had it...oh. There it is." I grab it off the sand a few feet away and shake it out. My hands are cold and stiff, trembling slightly, but as soon as my yellow shirt is back on, I feel a lot better.

"Chapman?"

"We should go...yeah, we should go." I nod to myself, staring at the sand, at the truck a ways away, at the crashing waves, the last sliver of sun visible along the horizon...everywhere but at him.

"Chapman you're scaring me. What's...is this shock? Why are you...you're pale..."

"Unlucky genetics," I whisper, laughing at the ground with wide eyes. "My mom...had this beautiful olive skin, you know, it was the...French heritage...shining through. But dad...he was English with...unforgiving, freckled pale skin. That's what he passed down. To me." I point to myself. "And, uh, his height." I swallow roughly. There's a stone stuck in my throat.

"How...how much did you read? Of the text. Chapman?"

El Bell...Cade's father...El Bell...Cade's Father?

"Chapman?"

I snap my head to meet his eyes. He's so disheveled—black hair a mess, white button down wrinkled and untucked from his slacks.

"You didn't lie to me, right?" I say, shaking my head. "That was a mistake. That text wasn't meant for you, right? Or was it a joke? Like...like a really bad, very cruel joke? Right?"

Cade says absolutely nothing, only staring at me with scared, wide green eyes, the breeze playing with his hair.

"Please tell me you haven't been lying to me for over half a year, Cade." My voice cracks. "Please tell me that wasn't real."

When Cade speaks, his voice is crazed and high, like a kid. "It felt like he was dead Chapman I swear it did and—"

"Oh my god," I mutter, pressing a hand to my mouth. My eyes close.

"—he had cancer and then he got better and then—"

"Oh my god." My head is pounding.

"—he got better and then he just left us! He said he wanted to start living and enjoying life because the cancer made him open his eyes or some bullshit like that and then he got a new family and stopped calling on my birthdays and stopped sending gifts at Christmas and—"

"Stop." I hold up a hand. "Please stop."

"Then he started hitting mom and I couldn't stop him and I wished he was dead."

"Stop," I choked.

"We're still the same," Cade says earnestly, walking up to me. He grabs my upper arms. "I lost my dad. The guy who taught me to ride a bike. He's gone. You lost your parents. We're still the same, Ember. We're both messed up and broken—"

"STOP!" I shriek, pulling away from him. My eyes are blurry. "I DON'T WANT TO BE BROKEN! I WANT TO BE NORMAL! STOP SAYING THAT!"

Cade's eyes widen and he staggers back. "But it's us," he rushes out, "and we're still the same and nothing's changed I promise it—"

"No no no," I murmur, stepping back in the sand. I trip, falling onto my tailbone. Cade moves to help me. "Get away from me," I grate. "Now." I heave myself upwards, brushing off the sand stuck to my jeans.

"Chapman, please just listen for a second," Cade pleads, a tear falling from his left eye. "You understood! This entire time you were the only one who knew what it was like to lose him, I swear you were. You were so fucking kind to me and I didn't deserve a second of it but you never left and it was because you got it." He stays where he is, but I can tell he wants to walk to me. "I never—when I met you that night I didn't mean to lie. It just...it just came out like that. I am so fucking angry at him. Then he showed up. He broke her plates. Screamed over and over and over. Mom was crying and—and—and I needed to get out of the house."

"Then you met me," I rasped with a trembling lip.

"Yes," Cade breathes. "I knew you. From school. And class. You...you looked at me with such fucking pain and I knew that pain. We're like magnets. I know you feel it. You do, right?" His eyes meet mine in desperation.

Of course I feel it. "But you lied to me," I spit out. "For a long, long fucking time."

"I didn't mean to," he repeats, flinging his hands out. "I never actually said he was dead. I made sure—"

"IT DOESN'T MATTER!" I break open. "YOU KNEW WHAT I THOUGHT! THAT'S LYING, CADE!"

"Okay okay you're right Chapman I'm so sorry." A sob releases from his throat. He grits his teeth, shaking his head. The dark locks over his forehead swing and sway. "But please...you have to understand. You have to. It's the same for you and me. It's the same. Your parents are gone and my dad is too. My father is a fucking monster. It's—"

"IT'S NOT THE SAME!" I holler. "MY PARENTS BURNED TO DEATH IN A HELICOPTER CRASH!"

"That's—"

"NO!" Tears rush down the broken dam in my two mismatched eyes. "MY PARENTS ARE DEAD! I CAN NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN! HOW THE FUCK IS THAT THE SAME!?"

"C-Chapman please—"

"I TRUSTED YOU!" I bawl, my lungs shuttering. "I T-TOLD YOU THINGS I H-HAD NEVER TOLD ANYONE ELSE! I T-TRUSTED YOU!" My vocal cords crack and fall down my throat. "I trusted you. I...I told you about everything, Cade..."

"You never talked about him," Cade whispers with a wide, void expression. "About Greyson."

My face explodes in hypertensive heat. "SHUT THE FUCK UP!" I jab a finger in his direction. "YOU DON'T GET TO KNOW ABOUT HIM! HE'S MINE! HE'S MY PERSON! YOU CAN'T FUCKING HAVE HIM!"

Cade is silent, staring at me like he's finally broke me into a million pieces into the sand.

Has he?

This can't be happening. This life I've lived...with him...this couldn't have been a massive lie the entire time.

I can't be here anymore. I can't stand here, shaking among the shadows. "Take me—me home," I choke out, clutching my throat. I think I'm going to hyperventilate myself into throwing up. "Right now."

"I'm so sorry," Cade whispers. "Please believe me. I'm—"

"NO!" I shout. "You will take me—"

"No Chapman please please please don't do this don't—"

"YOU WILL TAKE ME FUCKING HOME!" I scream, tears running cold down my hot cheeks. "You will take me home and then I never want to see you again!"

Cade's having a hard time breathing. "Please please Ember please don't do this I'm so sorry you have no idea how many times I wanted to--"

"DO YOU HEAR ME?!" I yell. "Acknowledge what I just fucking said!"

He staggers back, taking his trembling lips between his teeth. Then he nods.

I turn and stalk back towards his truck. On the way, I grab my shoes, almost falling into the pavement by the lot. I rip the passenger's door open and slam it shut with equal rage.

Breathe. Just breathe. I can't. My lungs aren't working. Breathe!

Slowly, I take in some oxygen. Slowly, I let out the breath. I manage this fifteen times before Cade's in the driver's seat.

"Home," I bite out, trying to sound stronger than I feel. "Right now."

I simmer in the rage, bouncing my leg as Cade takes his time starting the truck. I fester and fester the whole way home, the walk to my door, up to my room, past my confused uncle who I brush off, and into my bed where I fall and don't get back up.

A/N

Did anyone, honestly, predict this? No lying. Tell me tell me tell me!

What are your emotions right now? How you feeling?

-Laurel <3