Warnings:
-Mentions addiction (sexual, self harm)

Clay's POV

My heart was racing as I glanced at my laptop screen, earphones pushed in my ears because I didn't have a normal door to block any noises with, just a gap in the floor with a stair going down.

I was laying down under the sheets, my sweats pushed down as I touched myself while looking at the young adult boys on the screen in front of me touching each other, getting ready to have sex.

I breathed out and felt my stomach fill with a warm feeling, my breath louder and quicker, until...

My laptop was slammed shut, my breath hitched and my eyes lifted up right away. I looked into Sapnap's eyes as I pulled the sheets up even higher so I could make sure he wouldn't see anything of my half naked body.

'Okay so... what the hell are you doing here without saying a word, idiot?' I exclaimed, awkwardly putting my laptop down on the floor for a second to sit up.

'First of all, your earphones don't work so it was quite some noise in the whole house. You can be thankful I saved your ass before mom and dad came up to check. Secondly, I did make noise but you were too invested in this disgusting... porn.'

'Did you see anything?' I asked, trying to swallow because my mouth was dry.

'I mean, yeah, and I heard it too,' he scoffed.

'What did you hear? Only sounds or...?' I mumbled, trying to seek information as my heart was beating faster than it was before Sapnap walked inside.

'Two guys moaning,' Sapnap replied with a sarcastic voice. 'And another guy panting loudly, named Clay.'

'Two guys...' I started, trying my hardest to find an excuse to cover up what he heard.

Sapnap chuckled softly and sat down on the pillow again. 'Dude, I knew it,' he exclaimed. 'I knew you're gay since you just turned ten or whatever.'

My eyes widened and I moved back on the bed, as far from Sapnap as I could. 'I'm not, moron. Just leave me alone and go back to your room. What are you even doing here? Complain?'

Sapnap sighed and lifted himself up. He sat down on the edge of my bed and grinned. 'Firstly, pull your pants up, please. Then we will talk.'

'Shut up, bro. Don't get involved in what I do and I definitely don't want to talk with you anymore.'

I still did what he told me to because I was getting more than uncomfortable with my pants pushed down and my twin brother on my bed.

'Dude, do you genuinely think a gay can't spot another gay?' Sapnap asked, laughing louder. 'I mean... I wouldn't say a gay. A bisexual guy.'

'You are what?' I exclaimed, lifting myself up higher. 'Are you... actually? It would be really rude if you're joking with me, to be fair.'

'I'm not joking with you,' he replied, a sweet smile covering some of his cheeks. 'I don't even know how long I've liked a guy for.'

'My goodness, why have you never told me?' I questioned, sitting up so I could move closer to him.

'Alright, please, use that hand sanitiser before coming closer to me,' Sapnap demanded, rolling his eyes. 'And I could ask you the same thing. But oh well, guess we could have guessed it because we are identical twins.'

I put hand sanitiser on my hands and rubbed them together, looking at Sapnap from the corner of my eyes. 'Who do you like? If you tell me, I'll say my crush too.'

'Fine, he's in my class, and also in yours. His name is Jimmy, the guy with glasses, brown hair-.'

'Dude, that's the guy I like,' I scoffed. 'Please, don't tell me we have the same taste in guys, this is going to be hell! And your girlfriend then?'

'I've liked Jimmy for a while, but I love my girlfriend. To be fair, we have been growing apart lately because I've been quieter than usual and she... whatever,' Sapnap answered, both still somewhat confused that he had a girlfriend.

'She what?' I asked.

'It'll just make you feel like you're in the right and your comment is going to hurt me so...'

I wrapped my arm around him and pressed my cheek against his. 'Sap, I'm sorry for whatever I say to you. You know this is my way to deal with our trauma...'

'Yeah, fine, whatever... She got really mad at me for cutting again. Usually, she helped me get through it and encouraged me to keep my streak going and stay clean, but she started screaming at me and told me I was a failure. She apologised right away, but it still hurt a lot...'

I breathed out and nodded slowly, my eyes turned down to the floor. 'I know it's not the right way to reply to such a thing, but it's difficult for us, Sapnap. Seeing someone we love harm himself this badly hurts us too.'

'But what do you think getting mad at me will ever help?' Sapnap wondered, pulling his sleeves further over his arms. 'Do you think I want this? I hate myself for what I've been doing, but everyone getting angry and upset makes it even worse. When I feel insecure, I hurt myself. It's an endless cycle.'

'Yeah...' I whispered. 'I don't know how to talk about this easily and it upsets me, I'm sorry. Anyway, Jimmy.'

'Jimmy...' Sapnap repeated. 'Okay, so you like him too?'

'Yeah, dumbass. But I'm single and you're taken so...'

'That would be kind of rude,' Sapnap stumbled. 'You know I like him too so I don't know... I would forever be hurt to see you together.'

'Do you genuinely think I would have the courage to go to him? I was closeted to anyone before you had to walk in while I was- you know...'

'Alright so, let's make a deal, right?' Sapnap suggested. 'Let's always be honest to each other when we like a guy so we won't date one the other likes as well.'

'Okay, and what if one asks one of us out? Because, I don't want to reject someone I really like...'

'To be honest, we can just talk about it to each other,' Sapnap replied. 'Because we can't forbid the other to go out with someone, but not as long as you know the other likes him more than you do. I understand that if you like someone more than me, I won't stop you because I have a girlfriend anyway.'

'It feels weird to openly talk about this while we had no idea a few minutes ago,' I mumbled awkwardly, a soft shrug. 'Anyway, I agree, but let's just skip this subject now.'

Sapnap chuckled and stood up, throwing some old earphones on my bed. 'Please, use these. Those loud moans are actually disgusting and very uncomfortable to listen to. Be glad mom and dad didn't hear you because it was pretty clear it was with two guys.'

'Shut up!' I yelled, throwing a random pillow to his head.

Sapnap laughed loudly and quickly disappeared from the room, down the stairs to go to his.

1207 words