17 | ASPEN'S

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17

EMBER

"And how about biology? How's biology?"

I switch my cell phone ear to ear, pining it with my shoulder as I wash dishes in the tiny sink. Nes hums quietly to a crime show intro on her laptop as Noor works on her physics homework. Both of them sit at out island, civilly, as I do all the housework.

With a sigh, I say, "I'm not in biology, Uncle Pat."

"Oh! What's the fifth course then, sweetheart? Anthropology?"

I shut my eyes and exhale. "It's linear algebra, Uncle Pat. I don't have electives, remember?"

"Yes, yes, I remember."

I set the last porcelain plate in the drying rack and wipe my hands on my sweatpants.

"Sweetheart?"

"Hmm?" I grab the phone. "Yeah?"

"I said what's been your favourite part of college?"

It's the excitement in Pat's voice that does it—makes me lie.

"All the people I've met," I say. "My courses are amazing. I'm...I'm really glad I'm here."

He sighs contentedly. "I'm so relieved to hear that, sweetheart. You have no idea. We've been so worried about—"

"I know," I say, nodding. "I know. Listen, I have to go and--"

"How's campus life?" asks Pat. "I've always wondered how it is out there. Is your dorm okay? How's your bed?"

Nes smiles at me. "Is that your uncle?" she mouths. I nod.

"Campus is great," I say into the phone. "I have to--"

"What have you been doing with your friends, sweetheart? Don't run yourself into the ground with schoolwork."

I struggle to find something to say. "I've been having fun. I, uh..."

Nes lifts her hands into the air like she's climbing a ladder, eyes wide.

"Rock-climbing!" I burst.

"Pardon?" says Pat.

I switch the phone again. "I went rock-climbing."

"Rock-climbing..."

"Yes," I say. "With my friends. At a centre."

"Oh!" Pat exclaims, sounding pleased. "That's where you attend your therapy, right, sweetheart?"

I cringe and clear my throat, hoping my roommates didn't hear that part. By the oblivious nature of their expressions, I think I'm fine.

"Ember? Sweetheart?"

"Right," I eventually say. "I have to go, Uncle Pat. I have a lot of work to do."

Pat doesn't say anything for a moment. My heart ceases to beat as he stays silent. Maybe he's angry with me. 

"Okay," he says softly. "I love you more than anything, you know that, right? I'll talk--"

"Yup, talk soon."

I hang up, setting my phone on the counter. My mind empties as I push away every emotion that's threatening to choke me. Sometimes my breaths feel like a waste on me.

"Chappy?"

I snap my eyes up, shaking my head. "What?"

Nes with her warm brown skin, brown eyes, and leather-brown wool cardigan, tilts her head at me. "You alright?"

I nod, shrugging. "Yeah. I'm going to go out for a bit."

"Oh!" Nes jumps up, closing her laptop. "I'll come with!"

"No," I say. "I mean..." I hold out my hands, wincing. "I just need some time. Like, uh, just to go for a walk. By myself. Alone."

Nes nods, brows together. She sits back down beside Noor, who's watching us now, silent, and then opens her laptop. She looks up to me and smiles. "Have a good walk, Chappy."

I nod and head to my room, picking out a pair of small black shorts that are too baggy on me nowadays, and a long-sleeved black shirt that clings to my skin. The all-black outfit makes my hair seem more red than brown, and my eyes, mismatched in their appearance, even more tired.

I throw my long, tangled hair into a messy knot at my neck and head out, knowing where I'm going is a big, big mistake.

I've made more than a few of those.

❀❀

It must have been four or five months ago now, this memory replaying in my head as I sit on a patch of grass outside the residence building in front of me. 

Back at Bridgewood during a breezy, flowery spring day, I was sitting out on the grass like I am now, waiting for Cade Blackwood to join me for lunch. He showed up with a scowl, complaining about another guy in our grade who was talking to Daniella in the halls. He said she looked too happy about it. He said she was flirting. I said she's allowed to do what she wants and that he should try not to think about it, which was meant to be helpful, but only made him pack his things during lunch and leave, his scowl deeper set than before.

The next day, he found me at the same spot as I was wearing pinks and yellows to try and lift my mood, with an apology in his eyes, but not on his lips. I forgave him with a nod and talked about the lightest subjects I could think about for the entire lunch period. For him. I did that for him.

So, why am I sitting on the grass in the middle of September, waiting for the courage to go knock on his dorm's door?

I used to think he didn't deserve me, which is ridiculous, because 'deserve' has nothing to do with it. There is only what we think we're allowed to have, and what we think we're not allowed to have. I know I am not allowed to have peace. Everything I ever said to Cade replays in my head like my conversations with Greyson in the days leading up to...

Deep breaths, I remind myself, closing my eyes as the fall breeze plays with the tendrils of hair around my face. Deep breaths.

Blocking everything out is hard, but still so much easier than it used to be. There were days I was sure I wouldn't be able to breathe through the manic, hysterical tears bubbling in my throat.

But here I am. I'm fine.

I nod, tap my own cheeks a few times, and stand. Then I see Aspen, my chemistry acquaintance. I'm about to call out her name when I notice she's not alone. She's very much not alone.

Following right behind her out the front doors is Cade Blackwood, a large smile on his face and a brown leather jacket on his shoulders.

I could never make him smile. Not like that.

Frozen, I stand around fifty feet away from the pair, trying to understand why my heart is stuck mid-beat, like it's swollen in my chest.

When I left my dorm to come here, I had no plan. I just knew that kissing Cade was like having a darkness at my lips that matched mine. I fell into his pain instead of mine. It was the same reason I gave over my body that day he showed up on my porch, soaked to the bone, crying. Right there, I forgave him for the lies about his father, about everything. Then, the kisses turned into something more.

The crash of everything hurt worse, though. The screaming, the accusations, the pain.

Aspen and Cade keep walking, both of them smiling now. Aspen's bright white-blonde hair is wild around her pretty face. She's so full of light. I was never like that, not even on my best days.

I turn around and walk away. I guess we can't be friends anymore.




A/N

Remember to vote ❤️

This chapter actually made me cry, and I can't even explain why. Might have been a few different things.

Next chapter is going to be a little different, but super fun, so watch out for that.

I can't express how grateful I am to have readers coming back chapter after chapter to read this story. It means so much, so thank you.

Laurel ❤️

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