And then my lips were touching his lips, his soft, warm, inviting lips and I gave up. All week I had told myself that this couldn't be happening. But it was happening, and I couldn't do anything about it. I didn't want to do anything about it. My hands moved up, gripping his face, gliding over the stubble on his cheeks, following the lines of his strong cheekbones. Each nerve in my body seemed to scream with delight – except for those in my lips. They were floating in silent bliss. I closed my eyes, overcome.

For a moment, just a moment, It felt like he was actually kissing me back. Then his hands gripped my shoulders and pushed me away.

“Angela! What...!?”

My heart, singing just a moment ago, froze. I kept my eyes shut, not able to bare the look that was sure to be in his eyes now. I didn't need to see it, anyway. His voice, hard, hot and furious, told me more than enough. He didn't want this. He didn't want me.

“I... I'm sorry,” I chocked out. With difficulty, I managed to free myself from his iron grip. Had I opened my eyes by now? It was difficult to tell. Everything was so wet and blurry all of a sudden. Quickly I fumbled for my backpack. It took a bit of time to find it, with all this wet stuff in my eyes, but eventually I managed and jumped to my feet. I didn't dare look at him all the time, feeling that my heart would shatter if I did.

“I...I have to get home. It's late.”

And with that, I ran.

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

Don't ask me how I got home. It was several miles from the park to to the apartment building in which my family and I lived, so I couldn't have run all the way, could I?

My legs told a different story when I got home. They burned like fire. It felt like someone had ripped parts of the skin right off. But I was glad for the pain. It should, I reasoned, distract me a little from the far worse pain in my chest...

And as soon as I thought of it, the agony was back in full force. Everything flashed back into my mind. My lips on his lips, his voice, speaking, shouting the furious words of rejection. How could I have been so foolish? I stumbled into the elevator and hit the first button I saw. Whether it was the one for the floor with our apartment or the one for the garage with the big dumpster, I didn't really care. Either would do for me.

On retrospective, perhaps the dumpster would have been preferable. I had just managed to get open the apartment door stumble into the kitchen, when a figure appeared in front of me and caught me by the shoulders. Caught me by the shoulders, pushing me back. Pushing me back like he had.

“Angela, Honey, what is the matter?” I heard my mother's voice. “What did...”

“Oh, just leave me alone for once,” I shouted, braking free from her grasp. With difficulty, I found the stairs and stumbled up to my room. There, I collapsed on the bed and buried myself in my pillows.

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

Have you ever heard the expression 'crying your eyes out'? I never understood that one. I mean, no matter how much you cry, your eyes won't just pop out of their sockets, will they?

Now I understood. It meant crying so hard that you couldn't see past all the tears, crying so hard that you didn't know what was left and right, up or down, yesterday, today or tomorrow. What did it matter what tomorrow was, anyway? It would be empty, that was all that really mattered. It would be without him.

Only now did I fully realize the depth of my feelings for Giacomo – now that it was too late, now that I had messed up, now that I had lost him forever. Never before had I understood why some girls were so wild about one boy in particular. I'd seen it, of course. A girl would meet a guy at school, and suddenly, they'd be inseparable, they'd trust each other utterly, they look at each other as if the rest of the world didn't matter anymore. And if you asked to explain them why exactly this guy, after all, there were a lot of them running around, more often than not, the girls couldn't say. Now I knew why. Because they saw things about him that nobody else saw.

Images flashed through my mind: How Giacomo had called me Mia Angela for the first time, how he had smiled at me, how he had helped me, befriended me. How peaceful and good he had been, refusing to fight people even when they hurt him, even though, I was sure, he could have taken care of it. How considerate and kind he had been... holding open the door for me and saying Ladies first.

Ladies first... yes, I had acted first. I had gambled everything – and lost.

Some time later, I felt my mother hovering over me. She didn't say anything as far as I could tell. She just fetched a blanket and spread it over me. Through all the pain, I suddenly felt a surge of gratitude towards my mom for just being there. Being my mom.

When she was gone again, Giacomo's face appeared to me out of the darkness of my whet pillow. It wasn't the gloomy Giacomo who hid in dark corners, either. It was Giacomo as he had sometimes been for me: bright, warm, full of life. I bit down on my lip. How could one person be so utterly defined by their longing for another? I had known the guy for just about two weeks! Two weeks, for God's sake!

Two weeks that had turned my life upside down.

I would never be the same again, I knew. I would never heal. For the one thing I needed to make me whole again was forever out of my reach. I prayed for darkness, for silence, for an end. But there was only his face, his warm, smiling face. And the knowledge that I could never, ever, have him.

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

I had probably cried myself into sleep some time around midnight. When I was woken by my alarm clock the next morning, my legs felt raw and leaden, and my eyes... cautiously, I risked a look into the mirror on my bedside table. O God, my eyes! They were still watery and red, a horrible sight.

Outside, I could hear my mother approach and hurriedly got up, turning to the window and away from the door. She couldn't see me like this. For a moment, I considered escape: Outside my window there was a fire escape – so that if ever a burglar broke into our apartment, he'd be sure to steal my stuff first. Never before had I thought it would come in handy, but now...

No. After all, my mom had seen me in a similar state yesterday. If I ran off, that would make her freak out even more. I had to stay and make an effort. Pain shot through my chest again. O, why not run? Why not simply run?

There was a careful knock on my door. O yea, she was freaking out. Only if my mom was freaking out would she ever knock on my door before entering.

“Sweetheart?” I heard her voice from outside. “Can I come in?”

Squaring my jaw, I turned. “Yeah,” I called. My voice sounded hoarse and unfamiliar to me. “Come in, mom.”

She slipped into the room.

“Angela... are you all right.”

I took a deep breath and rubbed my eyes.

“Yeah, mom. I...” Jesus, what could I tell her? Mom, I'm crazy about this guy. What guy? Oh, he's four years older than me, and, o yes, I tried to kiss him. Did I mention he's unemployed? And a derelict? And... and the one person I've ever wanted?

That would have gone over very well.

I shrugged. “I... I guess I was just stressed out a bit, you know? I've never studied that hard for a test before, and when I got such a good mark... it just didn't hit me until later. And I was so happy I started crying and couldn't stop.” With great effort, I smiled up at her, and tried not to kick myself. Could I have come up with any excuse that was less believable? “I'm really doing well, aren't I? I'm on the right track, finally.”

“O sweety!” She gathered me up in her arms and hugged me hard. “I'm so glad you're happy. Yes, my Angel, you're doing well. You are on the right track. You're going to go to college and become something really worthwhile – a doctor, or a lawyer, you'll see. You're so smart. You can do it.”

She had swallowed it. She actually believed that I'd cry over a math test for getting a... what had it been again? Sometimes I wondered where parents got their brains from. Must be a lazy supplier.

“Thanks mom.” I hugged her back. “That means a lot to me, that does. Could you perhaps pack me a bit of extra food? I still feel a bit woozy, you know.”

“Of course, my Angel. I'll do it right away. How about a peanut butter sandwich with pickles?”

“That would be great, mom.”

Happily, she rushed downstairs towards the kitchen. Great! Finally she was out of my room! I collapsed on my bed and began sobbing again. How I had managed to remain upright this long? To be honest, I had no idea.

What I would I do? I was lost! I was damned to everlasting anguish.

My alarm clock beeped again, angrily.

I sniffed into my pillows. Hell, what was I so upset about? I had to go to school! Of course I was damned to everlasting anguish.

Life sucked.

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Poor Angela  :(... Did I portray hearbreakt well? Hoping for feedback! Please comment here. Or post on my facebook page, accesible via the external link.

On a more positive note, the next chapter of 'The Robber Knight' will be posted tomorrow :)

Cheers

Robert