so turns out, I was wrong

enjoy and please comment!
it makes me write more

xoxo

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A M A Y A

I am warm when my eyes flicker open. My body aches and the muscles in my hips appear to have stiffened. The room I am in is darkened. I can't see much except for the shapes of the furniture.

I let out a breathy groan, twisting in between the sheets as I turn. I shut my eyes again when my head rests on a harder surface than my pillow. A calm scent hits my nose. I snuggle closer to the thing keeping me warm.

It is when the thing moves under my head that I realize that it is breathing too. I force my eyes to open and tilt my head up.

Good gracious!

I am lying above Carter Bell's chest. He is in my bed with one muscular arm pillowing his head. The bedside lamp bathes his face in a warm yellow glow. His attention is not on me though. He has his glasses on and is reading a book which he holds open in his other hand. His eyebrows are furrowed at the page he is currently on.

He appears so normal. We appear so normal and the thing is I can't remember why he is here and why we are sharing a bed.

Where is my son?

I jump up, an action that makes Carter flinch. He finally spots me awake and his eyes widen.

"Am-"

"Where's Parker?" I ask breathlessly, looking around the room, a hand ready to fling the blanket off me.

"Am, calm down...Parker's fine," Carter says as he shuts his book and opens his glasses, putting them both on the bedside table.

I don't believe him. I fling the blanket off us and am about to climb down the bed when Carter grabs my arm and jerks me towards his chest.

"Where is he? Where is my Parker? Let me go, jerk!"

I fight against his hold but he only presses his lips close to my ear.

"He's with your Mom, baby. They thought it would be better for you to have some rest for a few days."

I stop struggling, confused by his words. Slowly, his grip around me loosens and he lets me turn to face him in the bed.

His eyes look heavy with sleep. He is clearly exhausted.

What happened to him? What happened to me?

I can't remember a thing. All I remember is going into the kitchen to make breakfast this morning. It is night now as I make out by the scene outside the window.

"Carter..." My voice is full of fear as I say his name. "What happened to me?"

Carter scans my face with worrisome eyes. He raises a hand to touch my cheek, his fingers curling around my neck. The touch is gentle, soft, and welcoming. I want to lean into that touch.

I want to do crazy things when I am with him. I want to hug him, kiss him, tear his clothes and make love to him. Love him.

"Am...you had an episode. But you're okay now."

Panic rises in me at the information. My body feels heavy, cold, and shaken to the core. Gooseflesh rises in my arms, coating my skin all over.

"Oh no..." I gasp, my hands moving to grab hold of Carter's wrists as I stare at him in panic. "Did I hurt him? Did I hurt Parker?"

"No, baby...you didn't do anything to him," he answers immediately.

"Fuck!

I release him, using my hands to clutch my hair in fists instead as the horrifying thought soaks in.

I can't believe it happened. I have been taking my pills constantly. I had been only having nightmares. The broad daylight episodes had disappeared much to my relief but turns out, that wasn't the truth.

Shit! Carter was here. He knows what happened. What if he uses that information to take Parker from me then? Won't that act as leverage in court if it ever comes to a custody battle between us?

No, I shouldn't have let him into my life again. I should have listened to Mom. I should have kept Parker away from him.

But it's done now. He knows everything.

I take a peek at him through my lashes. He is sitting beside me silently but his silence speaks volumes.

"Carter, please don't do this," I find myself speaking as I hold his gaze.

"Do what?" he asks, appearing oblivious to my fears.

"Don't take Parker from me," I plead.

I shift, sitting on my knees before him so that we are face-to-face. He looks like a devil between my sheets, waiting to devour my life in whole. After what happened between us last night, I can feel the tension in the air lingering. Being close to him is bad. I tend to make wrong decisions.

"Carter...please don't take Parker from me," I repeat, my voice dry and rough. "I promise this is the only time it happened. Parker is safe with me. I'll never harm him. Don't take this to court, please. Don't take my son from me."

He doesn't say anything for a while. He just stares at me with that sad look in his green eyes.

"Am..." When he speaks, his voice is soft and low. "You really think that bad of me?"

His question is spoken in a solemn tone. It carries a depth that sinks my belly.

"I don't think bad of you, Carter. I'm just scared," I confess. "I'm scared. I'm tired and I'm exhausted..."

I sink into the bed, tears piling up in my eyes. My fingers dig into the mattress and before I know it, I am crying. The weight in the bed shifts and I see a blurry vision of Carter moving toward me.

"I'm sorry..." I sob. "I...I'm just messy and sick...and I'm scared. I'm...so fucking scared, Carter. You don't know what happened...you don't know what I went through."

He pulls me to his chest, dragging me over his lap and I let him. I feel fragile but safe in his arms. He is the home where I belong. He rubs my arm gently while I feel the press of his lips on the crown of my head.

"I know, snippy," he whispers, causing my heart to skip a beat. "I know everything."

Dizziness swarms before my eyes at his words. I lift my head from his chest to glance at him. He looks down at me, pressing our foreheads together.

"You...know? About her?" I murmur in the air between us, keeping my gaze meeting his.

He nods and a cloud settles over us - a cloud of sorrow. It is like we are both reaching out to each other to grieve the loss. Of her.

I loved her for nine months. I had a room decorated for her. I bought a cradle for her. I told her stories along with her brother. I carried her in my womb for nine months. I named her Hope.

And then she was born dead.

I buried her.

This time when I let out a cry, it is shrill, high-pitched, and it tears right from my throat. The cry is for her. It is perhaps with the presence of her father that I finally feel like someone can understand me. It is only Carter who can know that, who can feel that pain too.

"Carter...it hurts..." I sob into his chest, drinking my tears when they touch my lips. "It hurts so much."

"I know, baby...I know."

He brushes my hair away from my face and lets me cry. This is the first time in five years that I am truly crying in grief. I cry and he holds me tight.

I don't know for how long I cry but by the time my tears turn to just empty hiccups, my heart feels quieter than before. My mind feels quieter than before.

I feel at peace. One that I haven't felt in a long time.

Carter's hand reaches for my chin. He makes me look at him and for seconds, we stay like that. Just soaking each other's presence.

"Snippy..." he says. "You haven't eaten anything since morning. Why don't you go and take a shower and I'll cook something for us?"

For a wild minute, I am pulled back to the past when we used to be together. That is how he used to take care of me after every episode. I never needed medicines then. The doctors said I needed something to hold me to the present every time I got lost in the past. For me, it was Carter's scent that held me to the present. Knowing that he was very much alive and breathing, right next to me, was enough to fight the darkness.

I pull back slowly while nodding. Right now, I am not in the strength to continue fighting. I have dropped my armor to pick it up later. Right now, I know that I need him near me.

It may be just for tonight but he is my compass and I don't wish to get lost again.

I drag myself off the bed. When I stand up, my legs shake but Carter keeps me balanced.

"I'm okay," I tell him, removing his hand from my arm.

He watches me from the bed as I walk like a zombie to my wardrobe. I take out an old shirt of his, my underwear, and my towel lazily. Then I walk the same way to my door.

When I step out of my room, the dark corridor suddenly makes me hesitate. I look back, seeing Carter in my bed watching me as if he knows that I would break down again. I am ashamed because he is right. I already feel scared that it would happen again.

"Carter...will you stay close?" I ask him, licking my dry lips as shame fills me. "I don't want to be alone."

He doesn't reply. He keeps staring at me with those sad eyes. When his silence lasts for too long, my embarrassment flares up. I bow my head down and walk to the bathroom in the corridor.

Once inside, I am afraid to lock the door so I keep it open a little. If it happens again, I don't want to be here locked alone. It is scary enough even if I know Carter is just a distance away.

I open my clothes almost mechanically, letting them drop from my limbs like my skin is being shredded. My body aches everywhere. I carry my robotic movements to the shower area, drawing the curtain close and turning the shower on to warm water.

The first spray of the liquid over my face knocks me a little back to my senses. I let the water wash the exhaustion away. The heat feels welcoming and comfortable. I let out a sigh, shutting my eyes and letting the water calm my erratic nerves down.

I feel his presence even before the shower curtain moves. Instead of feeling nervous though, the calmness in me increases. My body becomes lighter as he enters the space. His hands land on my shoulders, the grip gentle. I turn slowly, blinking my eyes past the water droplets.

When I face him, I find him naked too. Our eyes remain on each other's faces. He is as drenched as me, both of us standing under the steaming shower as the small area becomes foggy.

Carter's hand cups my face. His thumb brushes over my cheekbone lightly. My lips part on their own, ready to seek him even before he dips his head and our mouths crash together.

It is not terrifying at all. It feels so right.

We mold together, losing every bit of ourselves in the kiss as our bodies crush together. His fingers run down my sides, from my hair to my hips as he grabs me, pressing our centers together.

My hands are in his hair, his are under my hips, picking me up and pressing me against the wall behind me. Our movements are slow but the collision of our bodies is fast as he connects with me. I wrap my legs around his waist as he enters me in one swift move.

He fucks me slowly in the shower, stealing my moans from me and drinking them in. Not a single word is spoken between us.

When we are done, he helps me wash off and then carries me to bed where he makes love to me in silence again.

We stay wrapped together, only leaving when the order for the pizza arrives. We eat in silence too.

Then, we lie down in my bed and I curl up to him just like I used to all those years ago. He lets me use him as my pillow, letting me lie on top of him while he runs his fingers through my hair.

He hums the tune to my favorite song.

We stay in the unspoken silence like that, our hearts beating in tune and the rhythm of his breathing matching mine.

The silence is so comforting that I start to think if a second chance can be a good idea after all.