A YEAR WITH YOU

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A special section.

"Light.. Mahal, gising ka.. "

Even with droopy eyes I tried my best to wake up. Mabilis akong bumangon at tinignan si Lizette na kanina pa ako tinatapik. I opened the side lamp and saw her eyes in an instant. Her swollen eyes welcomed me.

"B-Bakit ka umiiyak?!" my heart skipped a beat. "Why are you crying?!"

"L-Light," she sobbed. "Do you still love me? Mahal mo pa ba ako?" tears started to fall from her beautiful eyes.

Ilang beses akong kumurap sa tanong niya. Ano raw? What did she just ask me? Mahal ko pa ba siya?

"Lizette," I sighed and hugged her. "Your tummy hurts?" I asked softly and patted her back.

"A-Ang dami ko nang stretch marks! H-Hindi mo na siguro ako mahal," she cried. I laughed a bit as I secure my wife's physique in my arms.

"Let's put oil on your tummy, shall we?" I kissed the side of her head. Tinignan ko ang orasan.. It's two in the morning and the love of my love is crying because she's not sure if I still love her even if she have those marks.

"A-Ayaw ko," she shook her head. Ngumuso ako't unti-unting binuksan ang oil na nilalagay sa tiyan so she won't have the marks.

Although to me, it's all fine. With or without those, she's still my wife. I don't think it's anything will change the feelings I have for her. Ayaw ko lang kasing ma-insecure siya so we got her these stretchmark lightening thing.

"Why?" I laughed a bit and removed the sheets that's covering her.

Umiling siya't tinulak ang buhok na bumabagsak sa mukha. She sniffed and covered her big stomach! Napangisi ako.. I did that!

Parang isang tusok lang ng pin ay puputok na ang tiyan niya. I can't help but to smile bigly. I am so excited to witness her give birth! Though they said it won't be that easy and painless..

But we're going to try the water labor.. They said it's less painful and I want what's not painful for her. It's not so easy to push out a child to this world.. What more to push out two?

Masyado ko yatang ginalingan sa pagdadasal kay Lord. I have prayed too much that He got pissed so he granted on giving me two more angels. I promised that I will take a good care of them if He grants my wish.

And He did so I will put up with my promises, too.

"Come here, love," I smiled at my crying wife.

"A-Ang panget-panget ko na, Light," she sobbed as she wipe the tears off her eyes. Ngumisi ako. Hindi naman?

"Hindi naman?" I lifted her chin up and smiled wider when her wet face welcomed me. She have been very emotional the past few days. And, as the responsible man for his pregnancy I understand.

I read a book about pregnancies. Sabi, more likely women will feel insecure of themselves during and after the pregnancy. Not all pregnancy are beautiful, some are hard and I think Lizette's having a hard time, too.

Palagi siyang umiiyak dahil sa 'di ko malamang dahilan. I kissed her eyes. "Maganda ka pa rin."

She shook her head. "I-I watched a video.. S-Sabi most men cheats after the first pregnancy of their wife!" maktol niya.

Natawa ako't dahan-dahang inangat ang dress niya para makita ko ang watermelon belly niya! My eyes almost sparkled! My ehart skipped a beat when I saw how round it was.. That stomach's carrying two more Sibals.

Lizette Ophelia is so cool.. I chuckled. She's the strongest woman I have ever seen. She carried Seve, and carried two more..

"But this is not your first pregnancy though?" biro ko. Pinanlisikan niya ako ng tingin at mas lalong umiyak.

"S-So nag-cheat ka na sa 'kin, ganoon ba 'yon Lucius?!"

Umiling ako't kinalat sa kamay ang oil na magic daw. I put it on her belly and that in an instant made her feel a bit more at ease. She stopped crying slowly.

"Have I? I don't think so," I puckered my lips. "I don't think I will ever.. Mahal na mahal kita, misis," ngisi ko.

She pouted and watched her belly be massaged with the oil. "A-Ang pangit na nga tiyan ko.. "

"It's so beautiful," pagkontra ko. "Like a watermelon.. " I snickered and applied the massaging technique I learned from the father seminar I attended when she said we're pregnant.

"Light?"

"Hmm?"

"Will you be mad if I tell you now that I want to eat dumplings?" pumikit siya nang mariin. "I'm sorry.. Ang arte ko. Hindi naman ako ganito noon kay Seve.. 'Pag tinulog ko 'to siguro bukas I don't want it any—"

"Let's go to Binondo, then? Or you want me to just grab you a take out? I can drive there now," I assured her. Hinalikan ko ang tiyan niya bago ibaba ang orange na maternity dress.

Her eyes sparkled as tears started to pool again. Natawa na naman tuloy ako. Kinuha ko ang panyo ko sa side table at pinunasan ang mga luha niyang tulo na nang tulo.

"I am being too needy," she whispered. "I'm sorry, Light kung nahihirapan ka na, ha?" her shoulders kept on shaking.

Ngumiti ako't pilit siyang pinapatahan. Her cries are just too breaking for me to hear. The least that I can do for her is to assure her that I won't ever get tired of her cries and requests. Because this pregnancy is not hers alone.

"I am not tired, Lettie.. I did that to you, it's only right I give you what you need, right?" I caressed her cheek. "You weren't like this on your first pregnancy because I wasn't there for you.. Ngayon nandito na ako, okay? Let's change clothes and go to Binondo before Seve wakes up."

Tumango siya't suminghot. Tumawa ako't tumayo para ikuha siya ng damit. I got her bra, maternity dress, jacket, and cap. On her third trimester she's already having a hard time to put shorts or even pants on.

Masyadong malaki ang tiyan niya para roon. Nagbihis na ako bago lumabas para tulungan siyang magbihis. I caught her wincing as she try to stand up. Bigat na bigat na siya sa tiyan niya.

I pouted. Only if I can carry that for her.. Hindi na ulit. Hirap na hirap siya sa pagbubuntis. After this, I will get my cords tied. Pills have too much side effects on her, she's moody at most times, she's getting more depress as she says, and she gets fat. She doesn't see her body good daw.

Plus, she gets weird bleedings from time to time. I can't risk her like that. Puwede namang magpa-untie if she wants to have a kid from me again. But, I'm sure that after seeing her this sad.. Magpapa-vasectomy nalang ako.

"Here," I offered her my hand. Nakatayo na siya nang maayos. Binigay ko sa kaniya ang damit na kinuha ko't hinayaan siyang maglagay ng bra.

Nag-init ang pisnge ko. Her boobs gotten a lot bigger. I want to.. I shook my head! Hindi na nga! "Why are you blushing?" she asked.

"Let me help you," huminga ako nang malalim at kinabit ang hook ng bra niya. Pati 'yon nahihirapan na siya.

"Thank you, mahal.. " anya.

"You are very much welcome preggy, give me the dress," I extended my arm. Binigay niya sa 'kin ang dress at mabilis ko 'yong sinuot sa kaniya.

I intertwined our hands as we go down stairs. It's still so bark and foggy so I let her wear a cap. We peacefully drove to Binondo where we can eat dumplings and all that she craves.

Humikab ako't tinignan si Lizette. Natawa ako. Ang laki ng tiyan niya! Halatang-halata sa seatbelt. She's peacefully sleeping on my passenger seat. I stared at the road ahead and smiled.

Sometimes I wonder.. What is life without her?

What is the meaning of my existence if it weren't for her and Seve? And.. Soon the other two, too?

Ang galing-galing talaga niya. She gives meaning to the meaningless, she directs the lost. She vows for the dawn even if it's dark.

Nangingilabot nalang din ako minsan kasi.. Tangina, may ganitong pagmamahal pala talaga 'no? 'Yong 'di ka makaka-usad? 'Yong 'di ka makakalingon at makakabaling sa iba kasi sobra-sobra na 'yong nasa harapan mo?

Even though what's in front of my lacks, if someday we will have our differences and lack understanding.. Hindi pa rin ako lilingon. Hindi pa rin ako babaling sa iba. To me, whatever lacks will come back ten times more how it left.

At kung hindi man bumalik basta nariyan si Lizette ayos lang. Fuck those I lose. Fuck those I sacrifice.. Wala silang binatbat sa malaking tiyan na 'to. Ngumisi ako.

"Light.. 'Di kaya tayo mauubusan ng pera? Ang laki-laki na ng nagagastos mo sa botique, ah?" she asked, mouth full with dumplings. Ngumiti ako't pinunasan ang gilid ng bibig ko.

"I don't think so," I shrugged. "Why? You scared of being poor?"

"Hindi ah! Iniisip ko lang kasi, if darating 'yong panahon na 'yon we can sell the bags you've given me," she smiled warmly. "If kasama kita.. I won't be scared of anything," she retorted and put another dumpling in her mouth.

"You won't have to sell anything, Lizette," I assured. "And do you know why I bought you those bags in the first place?"

Tinaasan niya ako ng kilay. "Para ba 'yan sa kung maghihirap man tayo? If we go bankrupt that's our easie—"

"Because you sold everything when you had Seve," pagpuputol ko sa kaniya. "That's why I buy you everything you lost because I don't want you to feel like you lost anything on the way carrying my off spring."

She slowed down on chewing. Inabot niya ang water and chugged it. "You're so sentimental.. " she pouted.

"You said you don't share and you said what yours is yours, 'yon ang sabi mo sa 'kin no'ng high school," tawa ko. Remembering the high school Lizette. The pretty ballerina.

The pearl hair clip Goddess. Siya 'yon. 'Yong miski gym bag ata ay branded.. Even her PE day bag is Gucci. And she sacrificed all that to have Seve. She manned up when I couldn't.

She stood up when I was busy climbing those Hollywood dreams..

"That was me in high school, Light.. I'm very different now," sukli niya.

"Very.. "

"See?" she smirked.

"Because you were an Yrreverre back in high school," I stated and stared at her dark eyes. "And you're a Sibal now. My Sibal." My heart jumped.

She's my Sibal.. Right.

Umiwas siya ng tingin at lumunok. Namumula pa ang tenga. Kinikilig ba siya? Kasi kung oo..

Fuck, kinikilig din ata ako. I bit my lip to stifle a smile. Akala ko ba 'pag kinakasal nawawala 'yong kilig?

Ngitian lang ata ako nito wala na ulit ako, e.

"Matatapos na ang boutique.. 'Wag mo nang paggastusan gaano, Light," she pouted. "Hindi naman sure kung may customer, e.. Ang tagal-tagal na no'ng huli akong nagtahi.. Baka 'di na ako magaling."

"You have customers, love," paninigurado ko sa kaniya. Tinaasan niya ako ng kilay. "You have Loki, his girlfriend, the band which he's friends with.. Leila, Jun.. And a lot of celebrities, mahal."

"Hindi pa naman nila nakikita nag gawa ko tapos gusto na nilang magpagawa sa 'kin? That's weird, Light.. "

"I showed them your college portfolio," I shrugged. I wiped my hands clean and gave her my wet wipes. Hindi pa siya tapos kumain dahil nag-order pa siya ng wanton. Gutom talaga siya 'pag madaling araw.

Five months na nga akong walang tinatanggap na pelikuha. Her second trimester shook my system, no'ng first trimester niya ayaw niya akong makita. No'ng second at third ayaw niyang 'di ako makikita. What she wants I give.

Ginawa ko 'yan sa kaniya, e. Plus, that pregnancy is mine, too!

Nanlaki ang mga mata niya. "C-College portfolio?! 'Yong sa community college? A-Ang pangit no'n, Light.. Sana 'yong mga ba—"

"SFU-Fashion Design," I cut her off. She blinked a few times. Kunot na kunot ang noo dahil sa pagkalito rin siguro. "I don't like your signature there though. Ibabalik ko sa 'yo pero palitan mo na ang pirma mo."

"That's long gone, Light.. Wala na akong copy ng portfolio na 'yon.. 'Wag mo nang ipa-alala baka bigla akong manganak dahil naiiyak ako.. " she sighed.

"Would I remind you of something gone?" I pursed my lips.

She gulped slowly and put her chopstick down. "Lucius.. Don't tell me.. "

"That I was going to Paris to sue your bitch of a friend in college?" I shrugged. "Maybe, Lettie.. Maybe.. I don't know."

Kung si Lizette nagpapatawad. Ako, hindi. I don't like the fact that Jean took advantage of Ophelia who, trusted her so much. Ninakawan niya pa pala ng pera 'yong asawa ko. She was just letting it go.

But, I don't think I can do that. She always say that si Lord nga nagpapatawad anong pumipigil sa 'kin para hindi?

Ang pumipigil sa 'kin? Hindi ako si Lord. Hindi ako Diyos. Kaya lahat ng galit na binaon ni Ophelia para sa kanila. Lahat ng sama ng loob, ako na ang umaani. Nagiging puno na lahat ng irita ko sa kaniya at sa kanila.

I can't forgive that easily. Lizette, Seve, and the twins are the only exemption to that. But, the rest? If they do me wrong, or Lizette I am swearing on my grave that I won't rest 'til I get even.

"Light naman.. 'Di mo talaga siya tinigilan?"

"Hindi ka rin naman niya tinigilan no'n, ah?" I answered. She shook her head.

"Masamang gumanti."

"Masama siya kaya siya ginagantihan. She won't receive karma if she was a bit nice to you, love," I smiled. See? She's still into defending that thief. Wala naman akong ginawa na labag sa batas. I get my justice the right way.

"Mahal.. " panimula niya. My stomach twisted as the butterflies dominate my being.

"What's done is done, Lettie," iwas ko. "I got your portfolio that matters the most to me."

"Ano pa ang ginawa mo sa kaniya, Lucius?"

"Stop calling me Lucius as if I am the bad guy here!" I pouted.

"I am just asking," anya.

"I just reported her to some magazine heads, gathered other victims, she's a designer for Calvin.. I'm friends with the owner so there.. " ngumisi ako. "Alam ko namang alam mong nag-model ako sa CK, Lettie.. Like ka nga nang like sa picture kong naka—"

"That was an accident!"

Natawa ako't tumango sa kaniya. Wala naman akong ginawang masama. Binawi ko lang 'yong portfolio niya, the rest was for the other victims, too.. Because if you stay numb about the oppression you give them a free pass to oppress others, too.

Lizette's parents on the other hand.. I don't know the real story she doesn't want to say it to me. I respect that. I don't want to push it on her. Wounds that are fresh hurts most when you try to peel it open.

She said she'll just heal by herself. Because her therapist advised that healing and moving on does not require the dramatic reconciliation and confrontation. She said she prefers to just move forward and maybe.. One day she'll find the heart to understand why they hurt her so much.

I respect every decision she makes. Just like how she respects my decisions. That's how we get past day by day. Respect is our number one virtue in our relationship and in our house. Respect is given.

But, respect should be earned for it to be able to retain in our systems.

"Mister, pakihawakan po nang mahigpit ang kamay ni Mommy," sabi no'ng midwife. I nibbled with my lips and with shaking hands I reached for hands.

Agad niyang pinisa ang kamay ko't napangiwi ako. Her forehead's damped with sweats! Ang kalahati ng kamay niya'y nakalubog na sa ilalim ng tubig.. Blood was covering the tub. Huminga ako nang malalim.

"O-Oh my God!" sigaw niya! "M-My God!" she screamed more.

I sobbed and held her hand tightly. "I love you," I murmured.

"A-Aray!" sigaw niya. "S-Shit talaga! A-Ayaw ko na, Light!" she sobbed. I can feel the crushing of my bones. But I am not crying because of that.

I am crying because she's hurt. Ngumuso na naman ako. "Let's count to three, then push, ok—"

"Punyeta ka! P-Pagbibilangin mo pa ako!" inda niya. She bit her lower lips groaned to push.

Huminga ako nang malalim at umiling nalang sa sarili. "Push, my love.. You can do it.. Just a bit mo—"

"Shit! L-Lord!" iyak lang siya nang iyak. The sides of her eyes started to water. Naramdaman ko ang pagpiga ng puso ko. There's something in me that feels like toring apart.

I started to feel a bit bad for wishing twins.. Twins din tuloy ang sakit niya. "I am so sorry my love.. " I whispered, pilit kong tinataboy ang mga luha at buhok niyang kumakapit sa pawisan niyang noo.

"L-Light!" sigaw niya't umiri ulit.

"A-Akala ko po ba this is painless?" I bit my lower lip and wiped away my own tears. "W-Why is she having a hard time then?" I sobbed.

Lizette pushed once more and it made my heart feel shards. Huminga ako nang malalim at kinapitan ang kamay niya. This is the ugly side of pregnancy, the pain that women have to endure.

I won't ask for another child anymore.. If it means she'll be under this pain again then I don't care about the things I want anymore. Bukas na bukas magpapatali na ako.

"I'm sorry, love.. " I whispered. "I'm so sorry, mahal ko.. Push a bit more, okay?" I kissed her hands.

"O-Okay, Light.. A-Ang sakit talaga," she murmurs. Tumango ako't tinignan ang mga midwife na tumutulong sa kaniya. My eyes are so fucking blurry because of panic. Nagtatahip na ang dibdib ko.

I don't know I feel so helpless! Hindi ko nga alam kung anong matutulong ko sa kaniya, parang wala. Kahit pa durugin niya ang kamay ko ngayon din. Wala 'yon lahat kumapara sa dinadanas niya at dinanas niya sa nakaraang siyam na buwan.

"Just.. J-Just push them out of this world and the rest I will do it na, mahal.. J-Just push more then aft—"

"You're such a dum—Ahh!" she screamed and held me more. "I-Ikaw! D-Dapat naman ikaw na la—aray.. " mahina niyang sabi. "Ahh!"

"Baby boy!" sigaw no'ng isang midwife. They put the baby boy in a towel and put it on a crate. Ngiting-ngiti ako nang makita kong umiiyak ang baby na lalaki! Pero nawal rin nang.. Pigain ni Ophelia ang kamay ko!

"A-Ayan na!" she gasped for air and pushed more. Ilang minuto lang.. May isa na namang ngawa ang umaliwangwang sa bahay. Seve's with Ate Mich and Kuya Eli because we don't want him to panic at this view..

Blood's all over his mother, I sighed and kissed Lizette deeply. Huminga siya anng malalim at punong-puno na ng luha ang mga mata niya. Her chest was immediately occupied by a pink and blue towels containing two angels.

"Babies.. " she whispered. She kissed the head of the two newly born and she sniffed when the tears started to fall from her eyes. Hindi na tumigil ang luha na nanggagaling sa mga mata niya habang tinitignan ang mga bagong silang.

My cheeks felt hot and occupied, too.. Ang iyakin ko.. Pero tang ina.. What life will I exchange for this? Nothing.. I don't think I will ever trade anything in this world for what I have now. I kissed them three and called Seve in an instant.

"Ang baho mo naman, Mallari!" asar ni Seve.

"'Wag kang lalapit sa 'kin baka sapakin kita! Kadiri ka! Pinagkakalat mo na magpinsan tayo! You're so kadiri!" Mallari stuck her tongue out. "Tito Light si Yaya, oh! Inaasar na naman ako!" Mallari held my hand and hid behind my back.

"Severino," tawag ko sa kaniya at umiling.

"Sumbungera!" sigaw niya pabalik. "Dad! Don't forget my swimming competition next month!"

"Where is that again?" I put Mallari on the other side as the kids started to run in the hallway.

"Singapore," he shrugged. "Mari, nood ka?"

"I have a drawing workshop the whole summer, I will ask Daddy first," the twelve year old said. Tumango nalang si Seve't kaswal na naglakad sa school grounds nila.

"Where's Mommy, Dad?"

"Her boutique, she's meeting with Ninong Kyne's you know what," mutawi ko. Tumango si Seve at pinalipad ang kanina pa hawak na bag of chips. "She said Tita Mich will pick her up so we didn't pick her up.. "

"How about Papa Eli?" asked Seve.

"Dad's in Malaysia for a building design

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