"Mommy, are you happy?"

I looked at Seve as I touch the lining of my gown. This is really it, huh? I'm really about to get married? To him? I smiled and bent to his level, I pushed my son's hair and nodded. He smiled back.

"Yes, Mommy's happy.. How about you, love? Are you happy?" 

He just stayed silent and smiled at me. Hinawakan niya ang pisnge ko, he slowly caressed it with his thumb. I closed my eyes and held it. 

"Of course, Mommy.. As long as you and Daddy is happy, then I'll be happy for you, too.. Don't cry while walking down the aisle, okay? I won't be there to wipe your tears because I'm the ring bearer.. Okay?" I opened my eyes and looked at his eyes, it's gleaming. 

Just like his father. I nodded, just to make him at peace. Who knows if I will cry or not? I just hope I won't, ayaw kong sirain ang make up ko. Mahal ang binayad namin para roon. 

"We'll live a happy life, Mommy?"

"We will try to live that life.. Okay?" He smiled. A smile that's enough to put any mother's heart at ease. 

It's a smile that makes me want to live and vow to be better every day.. Over and over again.

Akala ko noon mahal ko na si Light.. But I think, what love I have for my child is greater than anything in this world. It's even greater than my love for myself.

"Misis, ano, ayos po ba? Wala na pong changes?" Natatawa akong tinignan si Boni na nakasandal sa pader ng kaniyang wedding shop. Mabilis din na sumunod sa likod niya si Rose at si Ron na partner niya sa negosyo.

They're all from Villa Catalina, but now they're successful here in the city. Hinanap ko talaga sila para siguraduhing they'll be the one to make my gown.. They're the only friends I kept during my college days. 

"Hindi ko na pala 'to gusto," biro ko at tinignan ang sarili sa salamin. 

I love the dress.. Or maybe, I love the idea of marrying him most. 

"Ay, ang sama ng ugali ng costumer na 'to! Boni, Rose, sugurin at buhatin palabas ng shop!" Ron exclaimed which made me laugh. We all laughed, pumunta sila sa akin palapit at inayos ang dulo ng malaking gown. 

"Uy.. Salamat sa break na 'to, Ophelia ha? Alam namin na 'yong jusawa mo maraming contact sa mga mas magagaling na designers pero rito ka pa rin lumapit.. " I heard Boni said and fixed my messily bunned hair. I rolled my eyes. 

"Para kayong others."

"Totoo nga.. Salamat talaga, isipin mo, siyempre mababalita kayo.. The boutique will be given costu—"

"Hindi kao nandito dahil kaibigan ko kayo, I'm here because I believe in your talents, this is just more than the utang na loob I owe you guys.. Nakita at nakasama ko kayo, e.. Alam kong magaling kayo.. " I held their hands. "So thank you for giving me this wonderful dress."

"Anong thank you? Hindi 'yan libre Fully paid 'yan ng bebe mo 'no!" Singit ni Rose. The final fittings happened, ayos na. Lahat ayos na. 

Everything's just so.. Realistically perfect. Tinignan ko ang gown ko na nakasuot sa isang mannequin. I played with my hand, kinuha nila si Seve dahil daw bukas na ang kasal at baka hindi ako makatulog dahil baka magkulit ang anak ko.

They all said I need to sleep. I need to recharge and be beautiful to face my groom tomorrow. Tumingin ako sa labas ng hotel room.. Ito na ang huling beses na matutulog akong mag-isa. This is the last time I'd sleep alone as a whole person that I am.. Because when I say 'yes' tomorrow.. I know and I'm sure that I would be nothing but a half of myself.

I'll submit the half of my life as I submit every affirmation to him. 

Malinaw ang bwan mula kung nasaan ako naka-upo. The white mesh curtain is dancing by the wind blown by the air coming from the waves of the beach. I can hear every splash, every crash, and every battles that the ocean is conquering. I stoop up and went to the balcony.

Without Seve and him, it all feels vague and fake. Pakiramdam ko hindi ko alam kung saan na ako dapat pupunta. Kung anong dapat kong gawin. Kung sino ang uuwian ko. 

A life without them is a life that's not worth the pain and sacrifices, it's a life that I'm not sure if it's valuable to live. 

Everything makes so much sense now.. That after all, dancing wasn't really for me. That the stage was never for me to shine on. Hindi para sa akin lahat ng pinipilit kong gawin noon.

But surely, I know.. Motherhood is. Being Seve's mother is. That's something that I can see myself doing, forever, something that I don't need to pretend to fit in. Hindi isang bagay na kailangan ko pang ipilit para makayanan ko.

Because even though no one's forcing me to be a good mother to my son, I certainly will. Wala akong pakialam sa sasabihin ng iba, hindi ko iindahin lahat ng sakit at ng sakripisyong maari ko pang ibigay sa hinaharap. I will bear everything, I will force myself to bear it. 

I clasped my hand and sniffed air. Ngumiti ako.. It's so cold, will it be the last cold night that I'll have? Maybe.. Since I have Seve, hindi na naman naging malamig ang buhay ko. 

He gave me a reason to live a better life not minding everything I'll lose along the way. 

They showed me colors and storms. Vows and shards. I saw it all.. But I will always choose to stay. 

Because my son's worth it.

I embraced myself, sinara ko ang malaking pinto papunta sa veranda na tinatayuan ko kanina at nagsuot ng pink na jacket para lumabas ng hotel room. Bagot na bagot ako, I don't want to just stay there, I need to find sleepiness. I want to enjoy my last night as a single lady.

Sumakay na ako sa elevator at nang malapit na 'yong magsara, may lalaking biglang pumasok sa loob. He looks familiar, parang nakita ko na siya somewhere sa news.. Or maybe I just can't recall where it was. 

"Thank you," he said nang mapigil ko ang elevator door sa pagsara, tumango nalang ako. He's wearing a plain hoodie, hindi ko na masyadong pinansin pa, the whole 15th floor are just guests.. Alam ko, guest ba siya?

Baka nga kaibigan niya, hindi ko lang sigurado. Parang sampu nga lang ata ang na-invite ko, pero siya? Ang dati, buong floor ay kwarto ng mga bisita. 

"You look like the bride," he uttered. I smiled sheepishly. 

"Because I am.. Ikaw, guest ka?"

"Singer," he announced. Tumango nalang ako, see? I don't even know that he invited this tall and moreno guy, nakapamulsa lang siya at tahimik. He's humming to a song that I'm not that familiar with. "I hope you enjoy my song tomorrow, Mrs.," he smirked and waved his hand, bumaba na siya sa floor kung nasaan ang clinic?

May sakit ba siya?

"Sure," I beamed. "Sorry but what's your name again?" I felt embarrassed, it's not that I wasn't hands on but I really don't know anything about these people! I let him handle it since wala naman talaga akong connections unlike him. 

"Loki," he flashed a contagious smile and turned his back at me. 

Nakalabas na rin ako ng hotel at agad akong naglakad papunta sa shore. I walked as I feel the roughness on my feet, the white sand of Aman Pulo felt cold, as the breeze of air is, too. I held my cardigan tightly and watched the ripples be made.

Amazing how they crash and be on top of each other, be underneath, and be on top again. They're so good at surviving. But I admire the dawn more.. I admire it because it always makes it.. It's always there even before the sun comes.

Or the darkness fully hides. I like it because it's a sign of new beginnings. 

A chance to be better. A chance of anew. 

Even though from time to time, the dawn comes late.. It still breaks darkness from reigning. Kahit minsan nahuhuli 'to, o nauuna nang kaunti.. It's still how it is. It still makes a promise of a brand new day.

Of hope and chances. 

Ang bagong umaga ang nagiging tatak ng pag-asa sa bawat isa, to love again, to be free, to try, to fail, to rest.. It's an oath that it'll be another chance. 

I smiled wider. Before, I would've never realized how important it is to rest, or to even be true to myself. But here I am now.. So far from where I wanted to be.

Pero hindi naman ibig sabihin hindi natin naabot ang original plans natin at katapusan na ng mga bagay-bagay. Life does not stop when we feel awful, or when we fail. The sun will continue to rise, whether we like it or not. And if it cascades and we're not fulfilled, ayos lang.. Let's still credit what we have.

Minsan kasi ang hirap hanapin ng mga bagay na maganda 'pag masyado tayong disappointed sa mga gusto sana nating mangyari. Sometimes we take advantage of what we hold for those what we lost. 

"Ang lalim naman ng iniisip mo," a man said. Agad akong napalingon sa kaniya at nanlaki ang mga mata ko. What is he doing here?!

"A-Anong ginagawa mo rito?!" Tanong ko at umatras palayo sa kaniya. He just laughed at me and shook his head. 

"Hindi ako makatulog, ikaw?"

"I can't sleep, too! Pero.. Pero bakit ka nandito?!" My eyebrows knitted.

"Come on, Lettie, parang hindi ka naman nasiyahan na nakita mo ako," he pouted.

"Hindi naman talaga!" I exclaimed, I don't want to see him! Hindi ba siya natatakot?! "Aren't you scared?!" He shook his head. 

"Not.. One bit," he retorted and stepped closer.

"H-Hoy!"

"What?"

"A-Akyat na ako!" I tried to run but he caught me in his arms, he lifted me up and turned. "H-Hoy! Ano ba 'yan!" Reklamo ko habang sinusubukang hampasin ang likod niya, all he did was laugh!

"Come on," he insisted. After I calmed down he sat me down on the sand, he sat beside me, too. I just pursed my lips and let it happen. Wala naman sigurong masamang mangyayari.

"Ito na ang huling beses na magkikita tayo, Lucius.. Okay?" I looked at the beach and watched the water fight against each other. 

"Okay.. " He uttered, silently. Tinignan ko siya at ang mga braso niya ay nakapatong sa mga tuhod niya. He looks relaxed. "Last time before we finally.. Part, right? This is the last time we're parting?"

I bobbed my head, "'Pag tapos ng gabing 'to.. When the dawn occurs tomorrow.. We're no longer each other's boyfriend and girlfriends," I smiled bitterly. 

"Nalungkot tuloy ako bigla," he shortled. 

"Bakit naman?"

"It hurts to think that you're no longer my girlfriend.. Don't say that, Lettie," he said softly.

"'Yon naman ang totoo, ah? Bukas hindi n—"

"You're forever my girlfriend.. Ikaw lang ang gusto kong girlfriend."

"Bakit, may balak ka pa bang maging girlfriend 'pag tapos ko?" My forehead creased. He shook his head.

"Wala.. " 

"Will everything change after tomorrow?" Mabilis siyang umiling at tinignan ako.

"Wala.. Mahal pa rin kita," he smiled. "Sobra.. Ang korni ko, fuck.. " He said, nervous. Inabot ko ang kamay niya at rinamdam ang init ng palad niya, I held it tightly. I sighed, I intertwined our fingers and watched what's in front of us.

I can feel the saltiness on my lips. We stayed quiet, hindi na ako takot. 

"You're not scared na hindi matuloy ang kasal natin bukas?" Mahina kong tanong, drawing circles on his palms. 

"No.. "

"Why?"

"Because I know, whatever circumstance might happen.. I'll marry you, I want to marry you, hindi ako tatakbo.. Hindi ako maduduwag.. " 

"What if I run away? What if I get scared?" I asked, curious.

"E'di hahabulin kita, Lettie.. " I felt his lips on my head. "Kung takot ka then I'll wait another year, if next year you're still not ready, I'll wait further more.. I will wait 'til you are prepared to say those two words to me.. " He assured. 

"Hahabol ako nang hahabol hanggang sa wala ka nang choice kung hindi pakasalan ako," he laughed and trapped my hand in his. "Kung ayaw mo nang magpakasal sa akin bigla? Ayos lang.. Mamahalin pa rin kita.. I won't force you 'til you're not ready to decide."

I smiled to myself and buried my face to his arms. 

I used to feel so guilty for loathing my parents, for hating them because of what they did to me. But, I realized that it's fine to feel those.. Because if their excuse was love.. It's not it. 

Because love is not like that.. We can love other while not hurting them nor making them feel shit.. We can love, and love in a healthy manner.

No force, no harsh words, no invalidating actions.. Hindi naman ganoon ang pagmamahal.. I just know..

Because Lucius Sibal didn't loved me that way. 

Light loved me without making me see myself as a piece of trash. 

He loved me just because he does. 

"Ngayon na ang huling beses na hindi ako uuwi sa'yo, Lizette Ophelia Yrreverre.. This is the last time I'm probably calling you by your surname.. "

He kissed me, probably the last time before I could call him my husband. Probably the last time before I be with him without objections.

It's probably the last time that Lucius Dmitri and I will part and let each other sleep in different rooms willingly. 

"Ang ganda mo talaga 'nak," sabi ni Nanay habang tinitignan ako. I smiled back. Naiiyak na siya habang tinatapat ang phone niya sa mukha ko. They're all crying. I made a bridesmaid's first look. My fiancé wants everything on record. Gusto niyang makita lahat. 

He's going to be the one to edit our wedding video. Kung pwede nga atang maging photographer siya gagawin niya. Niyakap ko si Nanay pati na si Aling pasing para tumigil na silang umiyak. I did that for them to stop. Hikbi nang hikbi sa balikat ko ang dalawang matanda kaya natawa nalang din ako.

"Parang kayo 'yong ikakasal," suway ko, I don't want to cry, ayaw kong sirain ang make up ko. Maganda na ang simple kong ayos. 

"Ang ganda-ganda mo kasi 'nak.. " si Aling Pasing. "Ang ganda mo't natutuwa akong masaya ka, 'nak.. " She whispered and fixed my baby hairs. 

"May regalo kami sa'yo," sabi ni Nanay pasing at naglabas ng isang box. My eyes started to pool tears. She opened it and it made me pout.

"Nanay.. Hindi n-niyo naman po ako kailangang b—"

"Maliit na bagay lang ito.. " She said and gave me the pearl necklace. "Isuot natin, Pasing," utos niya at nagtulong sila para ilagay 'yon sa leeg ko. My lips quivered. I gulped multiple times, tinignan ko ang mga kaibigan kong nasa iisang kwarto sa akin at nginitian silang lahat.

They're holding their phones, crying. I inhaled deeply and held my bouquet tightly when the event organizer said that we should go down already. The world slowed down.

Just like when I gave birth to Seve. Every walk, every brush of the salty wind on my veil felt shivering to my body.. Natahimik ako nang magsimula nang tumugtog ang banda at kumanta ang lalaking nakita ko sa elevator kahapon.

If the world was to shut

You'll  be the one I'll love.. 

He sang, it's a main stream wedding song.. At the end of the long aisle, I saw him.. The one who I never thought I'd end up with.. I saw the man who let me believe in him as he trust in me, too. The man who had loved me even I wasn't even at my best.

Huminga ako nang malalim at tinignan si Nanay Tising at Aling Pasing sa kabilang gilid ko, they're escorting me to my forever home. To my number one since day one. I saw him wipe his cheek multiple of times. Natawa rin ako nang makita kong tapikin ni Kyne ang likod niya.

"Ingatan mo ang anak namin," nanginginig na boses ni Nanay Tising. 

"Mahalin mo siya nang abot sa makakaya mo, Lucius.. Ingatan mo ang Ophelia namin.. " Sabi ni Aling Pasing habang umiiyak na rin. I both kissed them on the cheek, gan'on din ang ginawa ni Light at humarap na kami sa pari. Kyne shook my hand.

"Bear with my best friend, he's drowned, and he has no plans on saving himself from you, Ophelia," he advised. Tumawa nalang ako at pinunasan ang luha ko nang magharap na kami ng lalaking pakakasalan ko. 

"You're.. So beautiful in white, mahal.. " Mahina niyang sabi, I can feel his hands, trembling. Sweating, hindi ko alam kung dahil ba sa init ng dagat at sinag ng araw. But his hand is hot. I smiled to him, ang gwapo niya lalo sa itim na suit niya ngayon. 

"You're so handsome, too," I beamed. Agad kong nakitang namula ang tenga niya sa sinabi ko. The Priest started the ceremony. I heard chuckles, laughs, and even sobs from the audiences. 

"I promised.. To not fall, Lizette.. I swear I tried.. Only to find myself, here.. Marrying you, vowing and willingly giving you the permission to enter my life. I promised to not ruin what we had, only to see myself.. Being in love with you for more than a decade.. I have loved you, will continue to.. Hindi na magbabago.. Hindi na ako magagalaw, dito lang ako.. Once father says I can now call you my wife.. I won't ever be stop talking about that," he chuckled and wiped his tears. 

"And today, I am marrying the woman who were never in my dreams but is my reality, you are the hope, Lettie. I love you without excuses nor explanations. With all the strength and boast in the world I, Lucius Dmitri Sibal, accepts you, Lizette Ophelia Yrreverre to be my lawfully wedded wife, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better and for worse, for richer and for poorer, 'til death do us part.. " He mouthed with his voice and lips shaking. 

I sniffed and smiled at him. 

"When they said love moves mysteriously I didn't believe it," I started. "Because to my defense, everything could be explained and examined, right?" I looked at his eyes. "That.. Everything can be perfectly planned and executed.. But, when I started to feel a little bit more empty when you're not around or you're not annoying me and I can't help but to miss you.. It made me realize that love is really like that, huh," I shrugged.

"No'ng sinasabi ko sa sarili ko na hindi ako naiinis na hindi lang ako ang babaeng pinopormahan mo," I chuckled, the audience, too. "Or, no'ng na-mi-miss ko na ang boses mong tumatawag sa akin ng 'Lettie'," I smiled and wiped my cheek. Nanginginig na rin ang boses ko, I looked at his eyes. 

"I knew something must've changed in me, siguro nga hindi lang bestfriend ang tingin ko sa'yo.. Especially when my heart pounded so badly when I see you looking at me with such a normal stare, or hold my hand to drag me to watch the skies.. I can't help but to thank heavens.. That it's you.. Lucius.. " I bit my lower lip and held