"Oh my God! Lord! OMG.. Oh my.. " 

I wasn't stopping from over reacting anytime soon. I'm pulling my own hair and is walking back and forth. My stomach felt like it's been searched by the authority, sinabayan pa ng hilo dahil sa ikot ako nang ikot sa maliit naming kwarto. Nasa labas si Kuya Elias at ang mga bata. Hinarap ko si Ate Mich na naka-cross arms and legs lang habang pinagmamasdan akong mapraning.

"Para kang tanga, informed ka?" Umiling siya at laid her back on my bed that has a pink cover. "Ano ba? Anong sasabihin mo? Oh my God ka nang oh my God, alam mo bang masama 'yan? Sinasabi ko sa'yo, dinadamay ko ako sa mga kasalanan mo sa mundo, I'm a changed woman, you know?" Inignora ko kung ano mang sinabi niya.

Hindi pa rin kasi talaga ako mapakali. Halos hindi ako patulugin ng utak ko dahil sa nangyari kahapon sa barber shop kaya tinawag ko agad si Ate rito para may maka-usap ako. If I'll handle this all by myself, I'll be dead by now! 

"Wow! Coming from you!" I hissed. "But seriously.. Ate.. Ate!" Sigaw ko.

"Para kang tanga, ano ba 'yon?!" Irita niya akong hinarap at kinunotan ng noo. "Problema mo? Ang aga-aga, pinapunta mo ako rito sa apartment mo para ano? Para panoorin kitang umikot-ikot diyan? Aba, swerte mo naman ata!" Ginulo ko ang buhok ko at umupo sa study chair ni Seve. 

I huffed air, harshly. I don't know how to word it out. Alam ko naman na alam ni Ate kung sinong tatay ni Seve, I just haven't confirmed any of her hunches, madalas niyang sinasabi sa akin na parang kasing puti ng mga Sibal si Seve, pero hindi ko siya pinapansin.. My silence can speak for me.. 

She doesn't push the topic, too. Hinahayaan niya lang ako, walang tanong-tanong, dahil alam niyang kung handa ako, sasabihin ko naman e..

"Ate.. "

"Ako na sasabunot sa'yo, isa pa," inis niyang sabi. "Ano ba kasi 'yon? Ate ka nang ate? Kakain ka ba? Nasa akin ba ang plato mo?" 

"Ate.. 'Wag ka ngang magbiro!" Suway ko. "Don't joke about my situation, please!"

"E'di magsalita ka! Sige na, sorry, ano ba kasi 'yon?!" She sat again and looked at me in a serious manner. Ready for what I'm about to tell her. "Ano? Seryoso na." I gulped and closed my eyes.

His words echoed in my head.. 

To think that his hair is so similar to mine.. Straight.. And black.. 

Mas napapikit ako.. God.. Does he know? 

"Huy!" I sighed and ran my palm over my fave. "Ano na?! Thirty minutes na tayo rito na puro 'OMG' ka lang diyan!"

"Ate.. Nakita ko.. " I gulped, iniiwasan pa rin ang tingin niya. 

"Anong nakita mo? Nakita mo ba ang hindi mo dapat makita? Iba na 'yan! Hindi kita matutulungan sa mga ganiyang bagay! Wala akong ala—"

"Ate naman!" Reklamo ko dahil parang ayaw niya akong seryosohin, o baka dahil pinapakalma niya lang ang atmosphere namin.. I wanted to cry, para akong constipated sa nararamdaman ko ngayon! "Para kang ewan e.. "

"Ito naman! Iiyak agad! Oh sige, ano ba 'yon? Basta hindi buhay ko kapalit matutulungan k—"

"I saw Seve's dad.. " I whispered. Agad kong kinagat ang ibabang labi ko at nanatiling nakapikit. Pakiramdam ko, kahit walang bintanang nakabukas at sinampal ako ng malakas na hangin. "I saw him.. Multiple of times now.. "

"Putcha.. " Tangi niyang sabi. "Oh? Naka-usap mo na? Nasabi mo na na may Seve kayo? Alam na niya?" I shook my head in an instant.. Ni isang salita tungkol kay Seve wala pa akong nasasabi sa kaniya.. 

"H-Hindi pa.. " My voice was trembling, my stomach felt so empty after my statement. 

"Saan mo nakita? Dito na ba siya nakatira? Nag-usap ba kayo?" 

"I saw him for the fourth time already.. Sa premiere night.. Sa airport.. Sa mall.. "

"Sinusundan ka ba niya?" Hindi ko siya magawang tignan, iniisip ko kung anong possible reactions ni Lucius 'pag nalaman niya.. Mamahalin niya kaya ang anak ko? Will he push him away? Will he deny him? Hindi ko alam.. 

"H-Hindi naman siguro Ate.. Pero hindi ko rin kasi sigurado.. Baka naman hindi.. " 

"Anong sinabi sa'yo ng tatay ni Sev?"

"Light said.. Seve's hair.. Looks exactly like his.. " Para akong bata na nagsusumbong sa nanay niya na nadapa siya.. I sound like a coward.

Because maybe that's who I am..

A coward Mom..

"L-Light?" Hindi niya siguradong tanong. I gave her a quick nod. 

"Lucius Sibal.. Nakita ko siya Ate.. Sinabi niya.. Siya mismo ang nagsabi sa akin na pareho sila ng buhok ni Seve.. Alam niya kaya? Kukunin niya kaya sa akin si Sev? H-Hindi ko kaya 'yun, Ate.. I feel like he knows.. He has an idea!" I panicked. 

"Maybe he does have an idea.. " She muttered. I heard the creaking of our old bed, a sign that she stood up. "Maybe he does know.. Seve.. Looks exactly like him, Phe.. He does.. " Hinaplos niya ang buhok ko, pilit akong pinakakalma. "May balak ka bang sabihin sa kaniya?"

"What if he takes my son away from me? What if he's mad? If.. If he doesn't like to be his Dad?" Questions rushed against me like a lightning hitting an old tree. It feels urgent.. I'm so scared, because I know he's more financially capable than me.

Natatakot ako dahil baka sa lahat ng sinabi ko sa kaniya noon, hindi na siya maniwala pa sa mga sasabihin ko.

"So what kung hindi niya tanggapin? Andito naman kami, 'di ba? Andito lang kami ng Kuya mo, we can be Seve's Dad for the rest of his life.. Kung hindi niya magawang tanggapin si Seve, it's his lost for losing a great child.. And losing a great mother like you, okay? Hindi mo kailangan ng validation niya.. " She pulled my into a hug and patted my back.

"Naawa na kasi ako kay Sev, Ate.. " 

"You don't need any validation from anyone.. You don't need their comments about your parenting, your ways, you being a mom.. But you do need to let him know, eventually.. " Paliwanag niya, she's talking softly, as if I'm about to shatter anytime soon. 

"You owe them the truth, your explanations, and you owe yourself the reasons why you hid it to them.. Okay? Kung kailan ka lang handa, pero isipin mo rin sila.. The world doesn't revolve around us and our grounds.. Darating 'yung panahon na kahit hindi ka handa, kakailanganin nila lahat ng katotohanan mula sa'yo.. So as soon as possible, ready yourself.. "

Tulala akong nakatingin sa anak kong tuwang-tuwa na pinapanood si Mallari at si Kuya Eli na naglalaro ng airplanes, habang siya naman ay naka-upo lang sa sofa at hawak ang lego niyang laruan. Halos mawala na ang mga mata sa saya na nakikita niya. He was laughing.. Just by looking at them.

Does he envy Mallari for having a complete family? I wonder..

If I failed him.. If I wasn't good enough as a mother to him.

"Mallari! Here comes the plane!" Kuya Elias announced which made the young girl giggle. 

I stopped stirring my coffee when I noticed that Seve stopped laughing at his view. Tumigil lang siya pero kita ko kung paano siya nakangiti habang tinitignan ang laruang hawak niya. He was smiling to himself.. He's sad.. He probably is.. 

"Dad! Uwi na tayo, darating 'yung cable today, we need to go na," si Ate Michelle. "Ophelia, 'di ba sabi mo pupunta kayong grocery ngayon? Sumabay na kayo! At isa pa, paki-usap lang, bumili ka na ng dispenser!"

"Wala ngang space, Ate."

"E'di bumili ka ng bahay!" Irap niya. Inayos niya ang naka-ponytail niyang buhok, kitang-kita ang kulot sa dulo. "Sasabay ka ba? Hatid ka namin!"

"Hindi pa kami nakakaligo, mauna na kayo.. " Tama, sabi kasi ni Nay Tising na gusto niyang mag-grocery ngayon para sa sabon niya, bibili na rin kami ng mga basic needs. 

"Bumili ka na rin ng kotse!" Pangaral ni Ate at binuhat na si Mallari. Si Kuya Elias naman ay nililigpit lahat ng nilaro nila. 

"Ako na 'yan, Kuya!" 

"Ayos lang, basic 'to," he laughed.

"Seryoso ako, Ophelia, bumili ka na talaga ng dispenser! Kaloka ka!" 

"Bilin ka nang bilin, hindi mo naman ako binibigyan ng pera, ew!" I joked. 

"Nako, 'wag mo akong binibiro nang ganiyan, 'pag pinapa-utang naman kita ayaw mong tanggapin, ipokrita!" 

"Don't shout, Mommy," Mallari buried her face on her Mom's neck to calm her down.

"Okay, Mommy' sorry," she said in a calm manner. Tumawa nalang ako at umiling, pinanood ko si Kuya Elias nang makatayo siya ay agad niyang hinalikan ang mag-ina niya. My stare flew to my son in an instant. Kahit wala siyang sinabi, nang makita niya 'yon ay ngumiti siya at umiwas ng tingin.. My heart dropped.

Ngumuso siya at niligpit na rin ang mga laruan na nasa paligid niya, he placed it in the box and avoided the view of Ate's family.. I compressed my lips as I feel like something in my heart is twisting.. I thought I could already provide for him, turns out.. I'm wrong.

Because at the end of the day, I wasn't able to give him a complete family.. But does that makes him feel incomplete, too? Mabilis kong tinaboy ang luhang pumatak sa pisnge ko at ngumiti. Someday I'll be able to make my son complete.. Whatever sacrifice it might be, gagawin ko lahat para sa kaniya.. 

"Mommy! Mommy!" Nilingon ko si Seve, I arched my brow. 

"What is?" Binalik ko ang kinuha kong evap dahil may nakita akong mas mura. Pareho lang naman 'yan 'pag nilagay sa sopas.. "Nay Tising, anong brand po ba ang gusto niyo? Kayo na po kaya bumili? Ikaw naman po nagluluto," natatawa kong sabi.

Totoo nga na dapat siya nalang ang namimili! She knows these better than me. She cooks our food, dapat kung anong gusto niyang gamitin, alam niya rin kasi kung anong gusto ni Seve. Hindi naman gaanong maarte si Seve but he has his favorites, and I want him to enjoy food, kaya kung anong gusto niya talaga ang gusto kong binibili.

"Kahit ano naman anak, depende talaga 'yan sa nagluluto, 'wag ka mag-alala, sa susunod mong off ay tuturuan kitang magluto ng sopas dahil sabi mo 'yon ang paborito mo ngayon na niluluto ko," sabi niya at nilapag ang mga sabon sa big cart.

"'Yan lang kukunin niyo?" Kunot-noo kong tanong. 'Yung mga pack lang ang kinuha niya, six pieces lang ata isang balot ng ganoon. 

"Ayos na iyan, anak, kasya na 'yan sa mga damit ko, at kulang ang pera ko't pinadala ko sa probinsya, alam mo na't kailangan ni Krizel na magbayad sa kaniyang iskwela," ngumiti siya at tinignan ang mga tinuturo kong gatas.

"Para kang others Nay Tising, kumuha ka na ng malaki roon mamaya, pati po 'yang gatas kumuha ka na, ako ang magbabayad, go na," pilit ko sa kaniya. May pamilya naman si Nanay Tising sa probinsya, buti nga pumayag pa siyang magtrabaho para sa akin dahil kaya ko nga siya nakuha dahil nag-retire na siya sa mga Sibal.

Tinignan ko si Seve na may hawak na isang cereal box, his eyes are almost glimmering. 

"What is that?" I softly asked.

"Can I, Mommy?" Bahagya niyang tinaas ang malaking cereal box at tinignan ko kung anong laman ng cart namin, masyado nang maraming sweets, isa pa, hindi naman ako pumapayag na cereals ang breakfast niya.. A child needs nutrition!

Milk, rice, bread, go, grow, and glow foods! 

"Anak.. " I sighed and bent to his level. He gave me a pout while he's staring at the box of cereals. 

"Too much sugar?" He scowled. I gave him a nod and watched his shoulder fall. Ngumiwi siya at agad na tumango, he understands. "It's okay, Mommy, besides, I already bought too much chocolates! Can I buy biscuits nalang? Or.. Chips! Please, Mommy?" I gasped and held his shoulders.

"I'll buy that for you," ani ng isang lalaki. I looked at the owner of the familiar voice and my breathing became instantly normal.

"Uncle Saidee!" He ran quickly to the tall man and Saidee instantly opened his arms for my child and he carried him as if he's just a pillow. Parang ang gaan ng anak ko! He's not! 

"What's that you're holding?" Agad na ngumiti si Seve na para bang alam niya na namkukuha niya ang gusto niya dahil andon ang Tito niya. "Mommy said no?" 

"This is cereals that I saw in a YouTube video, uncle! But yes! Mommy said no.. Mommy said next time.. " Malungkot na malungkot niyang sabi. What?!

"Aww.. How could you say no to this little boy, Mommy?" It was Saidee's turn to pout at me this time. Agad akong umiling, ang galing nila! "I'll buy everything you like, turo mo sa akin, okay?" He wiggled his brows. 

"Saidee!" Suway ko.

"Mommy, don't shout!"

"Oo nga naman, Mommy, don't shout, I just want to give this little boy some prize! After all, sinabi niya sa akin the other day that he got a perfect score sa math exams niya, he deserves that, Phe, come on.. " He chuckled and ruffled my son's hair.

"All he wants is sugar, paano k—"

"He's a kid, of course he likes sugar," depensa niya. 

"Really? You'll buy me this?" Manghang-manghang sabi ni Seve. Nililingon pa ako na aprang nagpapa-alam, wala naman ako ng choice at ano pa bang magagawa ko?

"Yeah, and ube ice cream, you love that, right?" Kunsinti pa ni Saidee!

"Mommy! Mommy, I want to be a pilot, too! So I can buy everything we want! Just like Uncle Saidee!" Niyakap niya sa leeg ang piloto at pumapalakpak pa, I shook my head immediately. Bakit ba lagi kong nakakasalubong si Saidee kung saan-saan?!

"Oh.. You want to be cool like me, that's cool! I'll teach you!" 

"My God, Seve, bumababa ka na anak, mabigat ka.. " Lumapit ako sa kanila pero mabilis na umiwas sa akin si Saidee.

"It's good, ayos lang," he laughed. Tuwang-tuwa sa anak ko. Umiling nalang ako at binalingan si Nay Tising na mukhang tapos nang kumuha ng kailangan niya sa aisle na 'yon. "Samahan muna natin si Mommy bago kunin lahat ng gusto mo, is that okay with you?" 

"Sige na, una na kayo, samahan niyo si Nanay Tising," utos ko sa kanila. May sariling cart si Saidee so they immediately agreed. Hindi nila kinuha ang cart ko dahil kukuha pa ako ng gatas ni Seve, I still give him milk so he can grow healthier pa. Hindi naman daw masama ang milk sa katawan ng bata.

I pushed my cart at the end of the aisle, dahil nga nasa milk section kami, lahat ng formulated at nasa dulo, nandoon din ang chocolate drinks, kukuha ako ng strawberry milk dahil gusto raw matikman ni Nanay Tising no'n.. I treat her like my own mother now, I treasure her so much.. She's been there to guide me since then..

Kumuha na ako ng mga boxed juices at liquids at nilagay 'yon sa cart ko. I pushed it more and scanned the wall of powder milk, I tapped my feet on the floor and searched for a certain brand. 

"He still drinks milk?" Halos matumba ako sa kinakatayuan ko nang marinig ko ang malalim na boses mula sa gilid ko, he's facing the opposite direction. Tinignan ko siya at hindi man lang niya ako tinitignan, his sight is stuck at the back of a milk carton. 

It's him.. Again.

I ignored him.. Baka hindi ako ang kausap niya.

"Which milk does he drink?" Ulit niya, I once again looked at him but he's still looking at the other side!

"A-Ako ba kausap mo?" Kinakabahan kong tanong.

"Are there anyone else here apart from you and I?" 

"M-Malay ko ba!" Kinakabahan kong sabi. Bakit niya ba ako pinipilosopo nang ganito?! 

"He likes milk?"

"S-Sino ba?" Pagpapatay malisya ko, I kept my gaze at the boxes of powdered milk.

"Seve.. Your.. " He coughed. "My number one fan," biglang bawi niya. I gulped immediately. Was he about to say 'your son'? 

"He.. " Mabilis kong inabot ang isang box ng gatas. "He likes milk.. Or maybe I'm just pushing him to drink milk.. So he can grow stronger.. " Hindi ako mapakali na nilapag 'yon sa loob ng cart ko at mahigpit na hinawakan ang handle. 

"That's great.. " Bulong niya at nilagay na rin ang milk sa basket niya. "He's just like me when I'm about his age.. Milk surely helped me, tell him that." Kahit pa naka-hoodie na naman siya at may facemask na nakababa sa kaniyang chin, with his specs on, I can recognize the father of my child.

I know him bit by bit.. I think.. 

"Sinusundan mo ba ako?" Hindi ko mapigilang tanong, this time tuluyan na niya akong nilingon at nginisihan. 

"Think whatever you want," he shrugged. "Bakit naman kita susundan? May dapat ba akong kailanganin sa'yo, Lizette? May dapat nga ba tayong pag-usapan?" He asked and arched his brow. Agad akong natanga sa tanong niya, with his piercing stare my gape was taken aback. I cleared my throat and gripped the cart's handle tighter.

"Is there anything of my concern that can lead me to following you?" He pushed it more. Hindi ko na mapaliwanag kung ilang beses akong lumunok at kung paano namawis ang noo ko sa mga tanong niya. My feet felt so damped because of sweat, kahit malamig ang buong grocery store, hindi ko pa rin maiwasang mamawis.

"I live around here, so no, I'm not following you," he cleared it out. I was about to push past him when he stepped forward to stop me. "But back to my questions, is there anything we should be talking about right now, Lettie? May dapat ba akong malaman?" He repeated himself. Hindi ako sumagot at iniwasan siya ng tingin.

Ate Mich is right, kahit hindi ako handang magsabi ng totoo.. Kung kailangan na nila anong magagawa ko? Wala.. At the end of the day, the world does not spin its axis around me, alone.. There's Seve, him, and everyone who's connected to us, I owe my son the truth.

Especially when I saw how his eyes are pained when his classmates bullied him because he doesn't have a Dad to bring to school.. Or when his eyes expressed longing while staring at Mallari and Kuya Elias playing and having that fatherly bond.. I know I he deserves this, right?

I can't be selfish, just because I don't feel uncomfortable.. Hindi nalang naman ako ang maapektuhan.. It's the three of us.. I looked at him, tinitignan niya lang ako nang seryoso, he wasn't even moved by my look.. I gulped.. My heart is just skipping beats at this point, while my stomach is twisting too much, queing me to throw up any time soon.. I clenched my jaw.

"Maybe.. Baka nga may dapat tayong pag-usapan, Sibal.. Baka nga may dapat kang malaman.. " 

  ❝ /29 ᵕ̈

Happy birthday, [Daddy] Lucius Sibal! (08.30)