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There is not a lot of dialogue this chapter.
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Mid- November

Victoria

Matthew 7:1 says "Do not judge, or you too will be judged."

Nobody on this earth is God. Nobody. Too many people lack the understanding of that fact and get way to interested in the lives of others.

However, I don't live my life to please others and I'm not checking for the next person. When I was much younger I did, but I grew out of that looking for approval stage.

I live my life to be happy, secure, and to hopefully become a better person with each day that I'm allowed another opportunity to wake up. I wouldn't say that I'm a saint, because I sin on a daily, whether it's something small or something big. But, I'm always trying to be better than I was the day before.

There's just one thing that's keeping me from fixing this attitude.

Judgmental church folk.

I swear that I'm trying to get my attitude together, especially in the house of the Lord, but it's so hard when I got people who are supposed to be so holy watching my every move and giving their input every seven seconds.

My sin is my sin. What I'm eating won't fill you up. Pain that I brought upon myself won't affect you. My sins won't send somebody else to hell.

Why is that so hard to understand? Why can't people mind their own business?

James 2:10 reads, "For whoever keeps the whole law and yet stumbles at just one point is guilty of breaking all of it."

No sin, and I mean no sin, is greater than another. So yes, fornication and murder are both equal to one another, no matter the amount of damage done.

These people can't seem to grasp the concept though. Why am I being judged for being affiliated with Kareem but one of the ushers is sleeping with the married deacon and nobody is saying anything about that?

I get tired of people only quoting parts of the bible that supposedly excuse their wrongdoings.

Church folk can drive a person out of the church if they tried hard enough. I've seen it happen several times.

The Wednesday after the run in with my dad, as soon as I walked into the church, I could feel a bunch of eyes on me.

It's not surprising that these church folk, messy ass people might I add, knew about our fall out. Fortunately, they didn't know why me and my dad weren't speaking.

That didn't change the fact that either my mom or dad, maybe both, went gossiping as soon as my feet hit the pavement on the front porch of their house.

There's another difference between us. I don't mind receiving the tea, but I ain't giving it out to any and everybody. My parents, momma a little more than dad, don't give a damn what comes out their mouths.

It can be entertaining at times, but eventually the shit gets annoying. And let's not forget disrespectful, reflecting off of what my dad said to me.

Love is crazy and it comes in so many different forms.

The love I have for Jesus is inexplicable. I mean, the man allowed himself to be beat and nailed to a cross just so that my sins would be forgiven. Although he never sinned in his life, he never complained as he endured the torture of his crucifixion for centuries of sin to come.

Who you know that would do that? Nobody? Okay then.

Even though there's stuff going on, I still love my dad. But, I feel like it's becoming more of a you're my dad, I have to love you type of love. As I grew up, I started to see him for who he really was in contrast to the perfect man I deemed him as during my childhood.

He wasn't awful, and I give him credit for his efforts, but things could have been different. Around the time I turned 11, he developed a gambling problem. We went hungry sometimes because my mom was juggling the bills and they were too prideful to ask for help. We were isolated from our family for a while because my parents didn't want anyone looking down on us.

This went on until I was a freshman in high school. My mom got a better job and threatened to leave dad so he decided to finally get his shit together. He ended up getting a well paying job as an architect. After that, the love for material things started.

Not many people know, but my dad cheated on my mom a few times. Almost everyday I sat in the den with my headphones on, but no music playing, as they argued about some woman at his job. Momma always asked him if he was cheating and if he had a child on the side. He would always brush her off. I've yet to find out if I had another sibling.

Ain't it ironic?

The man raised us to be the complete opposite of who he was. I guess he knew he wasn't shit. The whole hypocrite thing bothered me, it still does, but I just used his mistakes and my own life lessons as motivation to be better.

My love for Kareem is undeniable.

They say love doesn't have a time limit, and when I got involved with Kareem, I really understood what that meant. In a matter of months, he had me head over heels for him, and I wouldn't want it any other way.

I'm stuck between doing what I know is right, and loving a man who does a lot of wrong. But I really can't see myself with anybody else but him. The fact that Kareem really has my heart and the power to break it makes me hold on to him tighter.

Relationship wise, I've never had somebody love me like Kareem.

That's why this is so hard for me.

I'm at the point where I want to give him my all and create a foundation with him. Sometimes I find myself thinking about what we'll name our kids and vacations we can take whenever we have some. I fantasize about our little family and all we could be.

However, the imagination is a blessing and a curse.

My imagination has always been an issue for me. I allow myself to plan out how I feel like things should go, and when life doesn't amount to my expectations, shit hits the fan.

I would honestly call our relationship a fatal attraction. We both love each other, so much. It just won't end well especially with the drama going on.

Also, religion and the fast life are on two completely different ends of the spectrum and I need to think before I do something I'll regret.

That's why I said we need a break. No, it wasn't because of what we're going through with our parents or anything that people may say about us. I'm dealing with an inner conflict between what I believe in and what I want that leaves me uneasy, constantly.

I don't wanna get caught in the crossfire.

But I feel like it's too late.

*

"Look at your chubby cheeks."

Vanessa slapped my hands away, mugging me. "Stop fuckin with me, V."

"But you look so cute," I replied, grinning at her.

"Actually I don't."

She pouted, trying to get comfortable on the black sectional.

I'd just come from the shop and I was ready to take a shower and lay down. However, Vanessa showed up after her 5 month doctor's appointment, taking about she was hungry.

"I'll make you some food if you tell me what you're having."

"I guess I'll just call Kaseem." She started reaching for her phone, making me smack my lips.

"You are an asshole," I spoke, getting up to go fix her duck ass some food. She lucky I don't want my niece or nephew to starve.

"I'm aware. I want a whole lot of sour cream on my nachos."

"Girl boo."

By the time I was almost done, I was excited as hell to eat the nachos. Vanessa had put on some Gates, so you already know I was feeling it.

When the chorus came on, I dabbed and then started Milly Rocking while mixing the ground beef, chicken, and cheese together. I would've added some shrimp, but Vanessa can't eat seafood.

"Since I got them racks they can't ignore me
I keep it movin', fuck what's not important
Excuse me-"

The music paused and I heard the chorus and Vanessa's laughing playing on repeat.

Her ass is always putting me on snapchat.

"Wanna see?"

Wiping my hands with a paper towel, I walked over to the island where Vanessa sat and watched the video, side eyeing her. She grinned.

Vanessa captioned it "Yes girl, make them nachos.😂😛🍴" before posting it.

"Front door open." I heard the alarm system announce before Kai started yelling.

"Homey, I'm home!" A few seconds later she came running through the kitchen entrance and jumped into my arms.

"Hey, beautiful," I greeted, picking her up and spinning her around. I hadn't seen her since the week before and I really missed her.

Kai wrapped her arms around my neck, hugging me tight.

"I missed you so much," she confessed with wide eyes, holding the sides of my face.

"I missed you too, babe."

When I put her down she walked over to Vanessa with a smirk on her face. They were about to annoy each other like always.

Kareem walked into the kitchen, mushed Vanessa's head and then walked over to me.

"Hey, you," he greeted, poking my side. It was kinda awkward because neither of us knew what to do. Like, we're still together, but we're on a break and we had been for the last two weeks. Do we kiss or shake hands? I don't fuckin know.

I smiled sheepishly before embracing him in a hug. When I tried to let him go, Kareem wrapped his arms around me and squeezed my ass with both of his hands, making me let out a low moan into his jacket.

My bad.

I couldn't help it. It had been a long two weeks.

Finally Kareem released me and I went to turn off the stove and then got drinks, shredded cheese, and sour cream, and jalapeños from the refrigerator, plates from the cabinet, and a family sized bag of Doritos from the pantry.

After putting everything on the island, I fixed Kai and Kareem's plates, Vanessa's, and then my own, letting everybody choose whatever toppings they wanted.

"You got a baby in there? Or you just been drinkin a lotta orange juice like me," Kai questioned with a genuinely concerned face, even though she already knew the answer to her own question.

Vanessa looked up from her phone with a look that read Kareem, get ya child. "Lil girl, you ask me this every time I see you."

Kai's face contorted into one of confusion as she put her hand between her thumb and index finger, "I don't recall."

I damn near choked on my nacho, as all of us busted out laughing. Although she was always saying something off the wall, she never ceased to amaze me.

"Get another roll of paper towels, Yanna," Kareem spoke, calling Kai by part of her middle name.

She nodded, hopping down from the bar stool and walking over to the pantry.

"You look cute, Kai," Vanessa said with a mouth full of food. I looked her overly hungry ass up and down until she noticed and bucked at me.

"Now why you tell her that," Kareem questioned with amusement in his voice. I elbowed him for being rude.

Like the diva she is, Kai stopped walking and posed on the pantry door, "Thank you. Take a picture of me real quick."

After getting the paper towels, Kai skipped back over to the island, gave them to Kareem to put on the holder, and then went to where Vanessa was to see the picture.

"That look good, T Nessa," she spoke with a grin on her face, swinging her scarf and pushing the lensless sunglasses to the top her head.

What are we gonna do with this one?

Kareem

I wasn't feeling this break shit, and she knew it. That's why she was so standoffish when I was at the house.

What the fuck is a break? But if she like it, I love it. I can assure that Victoria ain't going nowhere no time soon.

"When Vanessa due," I asked Kaseem, playing with my beard.

After I left the house and dropped Kai back off with Layla, I came to make sure shit was running smoothly over on this side before I left for Congo the next morning.

As usual, Kaseem was waiting for me when I got here. But it surprised me when he had a look of worry on his face and was staring into space and shit.

Kaseem Thompson? Worried?

That's rare.

His attention averted from whatever he was staring at as he turned to look at me, "March."

"That mean you leaving this behind, right?" The tone of my voice wasn't really one of question. If he claim he changing, why not walk away when given the opportunity? I don't get it.

"Look, I'm trying to change but-"

His constant excuses were really pissin me off.

"But what? You tryna change but you still in this mothafuckin warehouse? Nigga I keep givin you chance after chance to walk away, but you don't want to."

"This is what I know-"

Before I knew it, I had slammed my hand down and was standing up. "Stop sayin that shit Kaseem!"

"Why?! It's the fuckin truth!" Kaseem got up too.

I watched as he clenched his jaw and tuned his face up. Chucklin slightly, I sat back down in the chair behind my desk.

"Why you tryin to hard to be like Kane? Huh?"

I don't know why I didn't notice it earlier. My lack of realization actually pissed me off even more.

Kaseem claims he wanna change for his child, but his head is so far up our Pop's ass that he don't know how to live for himself. He always wanted to be like Kane and prove that he mattered; no matter if his actions were good or bad.

His way of getting attention was wilding out and doing unnecessary shit that got him into situations he had no business being in.

When our pops got out of prison, he spent a lot of his time with me. I guess he felt bad that I had to resort to the streets to make sure me, Seem, and our momma had a roof over our heads, clothes on our backs, and food in our stomachs.

Instead of treating us equally, Kane would always have me, and momma would have Kaseem. I never paid it any mind, but I wish I would've.

Can't change the past though.

"You ain't no better," he mumbled, making me suck my teeth. I was tempted to throw something at his face but his petty ass wasn't worth fuckin up this office again.

"And that's exactly why I'm tryna help ya dumb ass. If some shit was to happen to me right now, all this is your responsibility and I refuse to let you get lost in this shit."

"Man whatever," he mumbled again.

"Yeah, don't forget who you talkin to though. Shut all that shit up. You got a baby on the way. What, you wanna be locked up and miss the birth of ya fuckin child? That hurts, nigga," I spoke, having flashbacks of the first time I seen Kai.

We stared at each other, mugging.

My brother is such a fuckin knuckle head that it don't make sense.

The last time I told somebody about this was four and a half months into me and Victoria's relationship. I don't like to talk about it, but I was locked up in Baton Rouge on a petty ass gun charge when Kai came into this world.

Fucked up thing about it was that some niggas that I used to roll with tried to play me. I ended up getting out after a few months. The law tried to make me stay in Louisiana for a while, but Layla was being that stereotypical baby momma and I paid my way through system so I could get back to Houston and meet my child.

My first child, my fuckin daughter and I didn't see her take her first breath.

That shit still hurts me whenever I think about it and I'll never forgive myself. Even though I was innocent, I was still in the wrong place at the wrong time. I don't want Kaseem to feel that pain because it ain't a joke.

He claims he wants to be better, but his actions don't match his words.

"I'll see you later."

Shaking my head, I watched as he walked out of the door, closing it. Kaseem running out on the truth was nothin new. I just hope he hears what I'm saying before it's too late.

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Next chapter I'll do another update of the ages.