Lauren's POV

The whole car ride home was silent.

The rest of the girls were out cold, barely able to keep to their eyes open. Lucy couldn't even look at me for some reason and she hadn't said a single world since she left the table back at D&B's, but I didn't want to question her. I was left sitting in the middle of the seats, staring down at my lap the throughout the whole ride while the boxer silently drove back home.

My father had called twice about an hour ago and I explained I'd be sleeping over at a friend's house tonight. That seemed to excite him, since the last time I had a friend was back in middle school where at least some people liked me. I almost chuckle at the thought. Ironic how the most popular girl in middle school is now the most hated person in High school. Things can change in the span of a year, I just didn't think it'd be this crucial.

I can't stop thinking about the look on Camila's face when Brad walked away from her. It was like she had completely realized that he was in fact right, that helping me and trying to be friends with me was all a joke. Popularity obviously meant a lot to her, and it was gonna take more than me to stop that.

"Had fun?" I hear Lucy mutter besides me, talking to me for the first time in the past few hours. I glance at my phone and raise an eyebrow, realizing how late it actually was after we watched that movie.

1:39am

It takes me a few seconds to respond, clearing my throat softly. "Yeah..."

There's this unusual gleam in her eyes and I can tell that she wants to say or ask something but she won't seem to look at me now. It's only when I grab her hand and tug gently is when her wide eyes meet mine, a tint of pink on her cheeks. "I don't get you."

"What?" I shake my head.

"Didn't you hate me a few weeks ago?" Lucy recalls. "And now I feel like you're just leading me on."

"I'm not." I quickly defend myself. "And I never hated you...not when you were always so kind to me after the locker room incident." I take a small glance at Camila and I can tell she's listening intently but her eyes are glued to the road. "I gave you a chance, because you were so genuine and sweet, I knew you didn't mean any harm. Every time I'm around you, I feel something different."

"Good, different?"

"Yeah," I smile. "Good. It's just, I don't know if I really want a relationship, especially one that I know can't end well under the circumstances. I want to trust that you're the right person for me..."

Lucy looks down at her lap and I can see that she's genuinely thinking about it. I bite my lip and I can see the way her lips quirk up for a split second and her eyes meet mine again. "I really do like you."

"I know, Lucy." I smile warmly, feeling my cheeks burn and heart speed up.

"This is the part where you ask her out..." Camila clears her throats and her eyes meet mine for a split second before turning towards Lucy. My eyes grow wide and I keep my mouth shut, turning to the equally shocked girl next to me. "Go on."

My heart jumps.

"No way." I shake my head. "This is the least romantic thing I've done in my entire life."

"Bummer," Lucy breathes out, staring at Camila with a frustrated look in her dark eyes. I smile softly to myself and look down at my lap with a small sigh of my own, trying my best to come up with something else to talk about.

I needed time to think about this whole relationship with Lucy. I just didn't really know how to admit to her that I actually did like her a bit. I lean back until my head is pressed up against the soft, leather head rest. I knew, even from before the locker room that Lucy was different. I can't forget about the day she humiliated me in that locker room, I will never forget that even if I did forgive her. She was just a small fish in a sea of sharks trying to fit in without being eaten alive. I understood that, I was one of them.

After the incident in the locker room after practice, she was distant from Camila and the rest of her group. I saw the look of confusion and shock in her eyes when she witnessed all of those pills on the floor, the injections more like it. No doubt she probably thought they were drugs, which in reality were to calm my anxiety. But I'm glad she didn't question me.

I glance at the smaller girl and she's looking outside the window, her hands tucked in between her thighs.

I liked Lucy, I really did. I just didn't know how to show her that without actually asking her out. Out of the blue, I decide to ask if she'll be joining me and the girls to Camila's match. "Are you going with us...tomorrow?"

Lucy's eyes meet mine and her lips are set into a thin line as she swallows. There's only silence as we stare at each other, glancing briefly at Camila who's silently driving. Lucy sighs, "That's a bad idea, you know it."

"I know," I whisper, recalling the word Camila and her boyfriend had back at D&B's. Why did I attempt to befriend her for so long, when she hated me? Camila despised me and truthfully stated it out-loud for everyone to hear tonight, and here I was, wanting to go and cheer her on some fight tomorrow.

I truly am pathetic.

"Why?" Lucy simply asks, looking genuinely confused. I shake my head.

"I wish I knew, Lucy." I smile weakly. "Am I an idiot?"

Lucy shakes her head right away, "...No."

I look down at my lap again and sigh, rubbing both my eyes.

"You've been through so much, Laur." Lucy sighs, her eyes soft and caring. "Why do you care about other people this much when you should be focused on keeping yourself up and away from these negative situations? It's okay to be kind to others, but it's also important to keep being kind to yourself, too."

My eyes flicker between her dark ones and I blink softly, staring into them as I think and ask myself why she cares so much. It is merely a crush, and she makes me feel like I'm special, like I'm the most important person here.

"Thank you, Luce." I smile warmly, carefully leaning to press a gentle kiss to her cheek. My lips meet her smooth skin and I linger for just a second after before pulling away to see her lips tug into a grin.

"And yes, by the way." She smiles again. "I'll go with you..."

---

This is so strange.

I am sleeping over at Camila Cabello's house, also my close friend's sister, which was now drooling over my shoulder.

I grunt softly as I hoist her up again, her much taller frame slipping from above my shoulder. There was no way she was this knocked out after a twenty minute drive, snoring and shifting like she was laying comfortably over the bed. "Fuck, fuck, fuck. She's so heavy!"

I push the bedroom door open harshly and stumble in, throwing her over the bed with a loud sigh as soon as I'm right in front of the large bed post. I watch in exasperation and rub my muscles, grinning softly as I stare down at the mess of a girl. Blonde hair is sprawled over her calm features, head tilted back uncomfortably with hands tucked under the comfy pillows.

I sigh and run a hand through my hair, yawning soon right after in exhaustion. It was late, and I needed sleep but I knew it would take hours before I eventually feel asleep. I let out another loud sigh and plop over the bed, calmly staring down at her perfect face with no flaws to hide.

I frown softly to myself and swallow hard, taking a deep breathe to keep from wanting to cry so hard.

Why did I feel this way all the time?

Every tiny aspect of someone else's life that I felt like affected mine or simply mirrored mine in any way just crushed me, especially if I felt that someone else was living such a perfect life while mine completely sucked.

With one last glance at Dinah, I look around the decent sized room as I hear the girls settle in the living room. I turn to my left and notice the large, body mirror leaning against the pale blue walls. It didn't take long before I neared it, staring at myself through the reflective glass that showed me the piercing green eyes of some broken girl. I almost didn't recognize her, the way her face lacked of color and her eyes were just a blank haze of emerald green. The emotion inside of them was gone. Then I notice the small scar above my eyelid, half hiding underneath the hairs of my eyebrow. It was small and nearly gone, but still prominent. Then there was the white scar that ran from the bottom of my lip, into the inside of my bottom lip.

Those scars, on my face. They were ugly. But nothing compared to the horrendous ones inside me. Camila had done this to me, why couldn't I accept that?

No one is born perfect, my fathers tell me. I sigh softly and stare a little longer, admiring my growing raven hair. Pools of a dark night, glossy and swirling with a healthy glow. My skin, a fair porcelain color with minimal flaws scattered around my body, which I never minded but didn't love enough. Perfectly settled nose in between my rimmed eyes, tagged with a small nose ring and a slightly pointy tip. I never hated myself for my looks, I just never thought I was gorgeous.

The only thing I felt confident about, the one feature that I thought made me beautiful was the color of my eyes. The pale, washed up green hues that differed everyday in color. Some days, the deepest green of mid-summer leaves, floating over a clear lake of dark blue waves. Other days, green fields of lush and wild shade, a jungle without the trees.

You're beautiful, I'm told.

I shake my head. I'm lied to, is that it?

Then my eyes trail down my stomach, towards the member hidden under my spanks and jeans. Stare a little longer Lauren, recognize that you're not perfect, you'll never feel beautiful, and right about now...everyone thinks so too. I feel my eyes water and I cup myself, folding my hands in between my thighs with a lumpy throat. I sniff softly and I stare deep into my eyes, watching as the tears well up clearly in the corners of my eyes until I'm able to blink them away. The noticeable tear slips past my nose and trails over my top lip, where I violently wipe it away and take a deep, shaky breathe.

"Lauren..?"

My eyes flicker over towards a groggy Dinah, who wipes her eyes and moans before staring directly at me with confused, hazel eyes. I don't mutter a single word, simply turning away from her and facing the fact that they did see my flaws as well, they just never spoke of them. Dinah's worried eyes water and she sits up, finally realizing it was my reflection I was staring at. The blonde Poly rubs her neck and her eyebrows frown downwards, her lips pulled to the side with saddened eyes. "Don't cry, Laur."

It makes my heart ache, her voice. I finally crack under her gaze. I feel the muscles of my chin tremble like a small child and I look into the slightly smudged mirror, swallowing hard. The beads of water started trailing down my flushed cheeks one after another, slowly. I blink briny tears from my bloodshot eyes, my thick lashes stuck together in clumps as I blink harshly. I let out a muffled whimper and hold onto the mirror, watching Dinah's reflection to my side as she stands there, shocked and confused. She looked desperate to help but I could tell she didn't want to push any further. The sobs punched through me as I continue to release the knowing tension that I've held back all week, ripping through my muscles, bones, and guts.

"What's wrong, Lauren?" Dinah whispers.

"I'm sorry," I sob. My stomach churns and my lips are quivering, just like my cold fingertips that curl around the edges of the thick glass.

Why was I apologizing? I don't know.

I just felt so empty and broken...and all this time I denied it. I wanted to hold back all emotion because I didn't want to seem weak. Having to pretend that you're okay when your mother has died and that you're haunted by the memories of your past by some girl you hurt? The girl that I destroyed? The girl that is now destroying me?

It's not worth it.

I can't continue to hold back my emotions. I'm depressed, I know that now. I've gone through too many years of therapy to try and convince myself that everything's okay. Face it Lauren...you're nothing now.

"Dinah?"

I feel my heart sink and I immediately look up into the mirror to see a certain brunette stare back at her sister in confusion. Those worried brown eyes meet mine in just a split second after she notices my presence and her lips part open, her eyes blinking hard like she couldn't believe what she was seeing. For those two seconds, I stare into those whirlpools of hazelnut and know that I'm explaining it all with just a simple gaze of truth.

"L-Lauren..." Her voice is raw, thick with confusion and something I can't seem to distinguish. I flip the mirror to its opposite side, no longer wanting to see my horrid reflection and lean against the wall. I can tell that Camila has noticed the reason to my current state and her eyes flicker to my lips and eyes, were the scars stain me the most. Guilt flashes through them for just a split second before they go blank.

"Lucy!" Camila's voice is filled with panic. "I-I need you! She- Lauren needs you!"

Only a few seconds later, I hear footsteps rush towards the room. Lucy head peaks in between the crack of the door and her eyes meet mine, confused to why Camila sounded so panicked. "Hey, what's wrong?"

"Nothing, I'm sorry." My voice cracks as I apologize.

I quickly dry my tears and clear my throat, swallowing the huge lump that prevented me from muttering a coherent sentence. It does take long before there are four girls around me, rubbing my arm, holding my hand, and asking me if I need anything or if I'm okay. I take a deep breathe and manage to offer a weak smile, eyes meeting a flushed Camila that can only stand by the door awkwardly and search my eyes.

"I-I'm fine, I was just a little stressed out." I whisper, glancing at Dinah who knows that's not the whole truth. The blonde sits behind the four girls and her hard eyes meet Camila's before she commands her to get out of her room angrily, which scares me a bit as the whole room goes quiet.

"I just came in Dinah--"

"Get the hell out of my room!" Dinah growls angrily and extends her arm out for the girl to obey. The Polynesian's voice is flat with anger and there's this glassy look in her eyes that show me it hurts her to yell at her own sister but there's not stopping her now.

Camila stares at her younger sister for a few more seconds before she tears them away to look at me with a frustrated sigh. We all watch as she slams the door behind her on her way out, leaving us quiet and confused to why Dinah had done that.

"Why did you--"

"Don't lie to me, Lauren." Dinah shakes her head. "Too stressed out? I wasn't born yesterday. You've been hating every second with us because she joined, I noticed...there's no need to lie."

"I wasn't--" I shake my head, not knowing what to say. All four of them stare at me like I've lost my mind but I don't say anything else, also noticing that this was confusing and worrying them to see me like this. I wasn't able to say anything after that, just look down a my lap with a shameful glance at Lucy, who looks hurt.

"Please talk to me, Lauren." The girl's voice cracks, and I instantly feel bad. I give Normani and Ally a look that tells them I just wanna be alone, pleading them to comply with watery eyes. They get it as soon as I whisper a small plead, watching as even Dinah leaves the room with a small sigh before turning to give me a reassuring smile.

I return it promptly and it soon fades when the door closes, leaving me and Lucy alone. I'm too ashamed to even look at her, fully knowing that my cheeks were flushed and the tears were consuming my puffy, glossy eyes. I feel her eyes on me for a few seconds and I swallow hard, staring down at my hands with a deep breathe.

"You're beautiful, Lauren." Lucy comments, and I immediately look up. "Don't do this to yourself."

"I don't know what you're trying to say, Luce." I sigh.

"Why was Dinah staring at that mirror over there the whole time? Why is it flipped?" Lucy takes my hand and her eyes search mine. I look back at the mirror, which was cardboard protected on the back, now absorbing the tears I had leaned my cheek over. The concerned girl is met with silence again as I stare at her, wanting to walk out of this room so badly.

"What do you want me to say?" I sit up, my hands in my hair as I let out a humorless laugh. "That I feel like shit because I'm always treated like shit? My life is shit, Lucy!"

Silence again.

"And you think treating yourself like trash is going to help you feel any better--"

"Nothing will make me feel any better, nothing or no one." I raise my voice. "Why does everyone expect me to feel better and smile when I truly don't want to? I'm not happy, I can't just pretend I am."

"You can try--"

"My mother has died, my father has died! I am beaten up every other day in school by Camila, half the school knows I'm adopted, and I hate myself for it! How can try to be happy? Nothing makes me happy anymore, why can't you understand that? God, you people act like treating me as if I'm a child is the way to heal my wounds. I just need to be left alone!"

"I'm just tying to help you--"

"I don't need your damn help!" I feel the anger boil and my skin crawls as memories of my mother and father rush back. Immediately, I feel my heart speed up, thumping loudly inside my chest as I breathe heavily. There it was. The anger. The hate. The things I couldn't hold back. The things I used to unleash out on others almost all the time.

It was coming back. I felt like I couldn't deal with keeping it in.

After I had found out at the movies that Camila was going to embarrass me in front of the whole school Monday morning, it had completely broken me. She had crossed the line and I wanted nothing more than to make her pay for it, yet here she looks like she cares and worries about me. I hate it. I can't stand the way she makes me feel.

"You just don't understand how I feel," I whisper loud enough for her to hear. My heart ached and my eyes began to water from the hurt I felt at this very moment. "You have no idea what it is to live for years wondering how someone is because you left them alone with some monster. And then coming to find out that they're dead. That even the monster that you feared as a child is dead, because deep down he was still your father and you still loved him after all that he made you go through."

Lucy stares at me and her eyes water, nodding softly for me to go on.

"I felt hurt and confused, confused to why it hurt me so much." I admit. "It took every fiber in me to forget, to start fresh from those wounds. Then I came to Miami High and just liked I had expected, my walls came tumbling down when I found out that the girl I hurt as a child was now a part of my life again. Finding Camila was like fucking stabbing myself over and over again, because I felt like shit. I realized that I was an ignorant, hateful kid. Knowing she would continue to beat me up and treat me like shit, then going home like everything's okay. Then finding out that the whole school thinks you're a freak for being adopted by two gay men after my parents died?"

I stare down at my hands and wonder why I'm opening up to this girl so much, when all I want to do is walk away from her and cry my eyes out alone. The girls are most probably hearing everything down the hall after all