Chapter 48

My head is excruciatingly pounding. As soon as I felt my senses, it was the first thing I felt.

Hindi pa ako tuluyang nagmulat at mariing pinikit ang mata, umaasang sana'y mawala na ang pakiramdam na parang binibiyak ang ulo ko. When I a memory of last night suddenly flashed in my mind, I hastily opened my eyes.

Saglit akong natigilan nang mapansin ang pamilyar na detalye ng kwartong kinaroroonan ko. Oh my gosh. What the hell?! Bakit ako narito?

Mabilis akong kumilos at nilisan ang kama. Muntik pa akong mabuwal nang kumirot ng sobra ang sentido ko. I groaned in pain and held my head, clumsily standing beside the bed. And to my horror, my clothes are different! I'm wearing just an oversized shirt! Where the hell is my dress?!

Kahit sobrang sakit ng ulo ko at pakiramdam ko, masusuka ako ng wala sa oras ay mabilis kong hinanap ang aking dress. Isinantabi ko muna ang reyalidad na nasa kwarto ako ngayon ni Olzen. Why am I here? Did I bring myself here? Where's my cousin? Damn it! The questions are making my head ache more.

I found my dress hanged on the rack. Malinis ito at may kaunting gusot lang. Mabilis akong nagpalit at nilagay ang damit ni Olzen sa rack. Matulin akong lumabas ng kwarto pagkatapos damputin ang heels kong nasa tabi ng sofa. I keep on thinking how the hell did I get in Olzen's condo. Pilit kong inaalala ang mga nangyari kagabi. I remember all of it, except how did I end up here.

Inilibot ko ang paningin sa living room. There was no one there. The unit was quiet. Did I really bring myself here? I nibbled my lip and groaned again when my head pounded because another strange memory flashed like a thunder. Mabilis kong sinuot ang heels ko at naglakad na palapit sa pinto.

"Where are you going?"

My breathing hitched and my legs halted when I heard that thick baritone voice. My heart pounded simultaneously with my head. I thought of the possibility that he brought me here but I dismissed the idea because I believe he's in Laguna. But then, I remember the guy who grabbed me last night. Yes, I remember it all. Siya ba 'yon?

Unti-unti akong humarap sa kaniya. I found him standing behind the large sofa. Hindi ko alam kung saan siya galing. When I met his brooding eyes, my heart clenched. Seryoso siya at walang bakas ng pagiging marahan sa kaniyang mukha. Naka-igting ang kaniyang panga at matiim ang titig sa akin.

Emotions coursed through me. Pain, anger, regret and that annoying longing for him attacked me without a caution. Why is he here anyway? Why is he in front me, looking at me with controlled rage? Hindi ba ay dapat ako ang galit? Dapat ako 'di ba?!

"Uuwi na ako." I croaked and swallowed hard.

Akmang tatalikuran ko na siya nang naglakad siya palapit sa akin. My knees wobbled and my heart palpitated harshly inside my chest.

"Don't!" Pumikit ako ng mariin. "...come near me."

He stopped, eyes intensifying even more. Tumigil siya ilang hakbang na lang ang layo sa akin. Mabigat ang titig niya sa akin. Halo halo ang emosyon sa kaniyang mga mata na hindi ko na pinansin.

"Mag-usap tayo." Malumanay ngunit malamig ang kaniyang boses.

Umiling ako at malamig siyang tiningnan. I don't think I could talk to him right now. My head is aching and I'm feeling so much. I might burst out without control and I might not hold responsible for what comes next.

"I'm going home." I stood my ground and turned around for the door.

Dalawang hakbang pa lamang ay nahigit na niya ang braso ko. Kaagad akong tumama sa kaniyang dibdib. I felt my blood rushed into my head and I immediately pushed him away.

"Ano ba?!" Nanginig ang boses ko.

Umatras siya kaagad. His lips quivered and his jaw clenched aggressively. His eyes showed me gentleness, defying the obvious menace in his body language.

"Sige! Mag-usap tayo! Let's spill all the bull para matapos na 'to!"

I burst out already. I'm really no good anchor of emotions. My heart is clenching and my eyes are starting to get drench with tears.

He looks stunned at my sudden fit. Huminga siya ng malalim at pinasadahan ako ng tingin. He was being careful. The want to reach out for me was obvious in his eyes but he was controlling it well. Doon pa lang ay gusto ko nang tumakbo papunta sa kaniya pero malakas ang pagpipigil ko sa sarili.

"Ngayon sabihin mo sa akin ang totoo. Kung girlfriend mo si Laurice, what makes me then?" The bitterness in my voice is dripping like acid.

Umawang ang labi niya at mas lalong kumuyom ang kaniyang panga. It's like he was expecting me to say that which I could not understand.

"Elais, I can explain." He said calmly.

He advanced to me once but I fired again causing him to stop and just stare heavily at me.

"I called you! Pero siya 'yong sumagot. She claimed to be your girlfriend! She even called you babe and you responded so well with your groan! Ano pa bang pagpapaliwanag ang gagawin mo?!" My voice trembled.

He looked at me directly in the eyes. Kalmado siya, hindi katulad ko na halos magwala na. I can't help it. I can't calm down. I'm just too hurt and angry that I can't control myself.

"Let's not raise our voices. Calm down, please..." he sighed and stepped once more.

Kaagad akong umatras habang umiiling. My stupid tears started falling. I wiped it violently. Kinagat niya ang labi habang pinapanood akong pigilan ang mga luha ko. He gritted his teeth and sighed heavily.

"No wonder why Zaira was so angry at her. She's so angry at Laurice because indeed! She is your girlfriend!"

This time, he looks stunned. Kumunot ang kaniyang noo at tumagilid ang kaniyang ulo.

"Zaira?" He looks confused.

"Oo! The girl who likes you from college until now. Alam mo ba kung anong sinabi niya sa akin, Olzen? She told me she loves you and you were almost an item back in college!"

His lips parted and he looks so shocked. Hindi ko alam kung bakit mas lalong uminit ang ulo ko dahil do'n. He has the nerves to be shocked!

"When did you two talk? Bakit wala kang sinabi sa akin?" Seryoso niyang tanong.

"La Salle, huh? You didn't tell me she was with you in La Salle! And what happned, huh?! Imposibleng walang nangyari sa inyog dalawa dahil kung umasta siya ay para talagang may nakaraan kayo!"

Pumikit siya ng mariin at huminga ng malalim. I nibbled my lip and swallowed hard. He was trying to cool down himself. Hindi ko alam kung saan siya galit.

"I didn't tell you about it because it was already in the past." His deep baritone was chillingly calm.

My heart tugged even more. So it's true? Nanikip ang dibdib ko at pakiramdam ko may kung anong nayanig sa akin.

"Do you think I deserve to know it? When all she did was to slap on my face that you two love each other?" Suminghap ako at marahas na pinahid ang luha sa aking mga mata.

"Kailan niya pa ito sinabi sayo?" He asked coldly.

"Mas importante ba 'yon sayo?! Ha?! More than a week ago! No'ng huling uwi mo! Is that even more important, Olzen?!" My voice rose again.

"Yes, because if you told me that day, this problem should have been solved." He said seriously, his stare was intense.

"Because I wanted to trust you..." my voice trembled. "Kinalimutan ko lahat ng sinabi niya. That the truth is, you don't love me. That you're just angry and you're taking your revenge on me for leaving you years ago. That she was the one who was there for you! She was with you during your drunken state! I dismissed all of it because I chose to trust you!"

He didn't say anything. He was just staring at me heavily. His eyes piercing through me, trying to scrutinize something. His silence urged me to pour all what I have to say.

"But then... then I called you just the other night! And that is when I realized that maybe... maybe Zaira was right. This is revenge. Laurice is really your girlfriend! You don't really love me..."

The last words were uttered with weak conviction. I regretted it quickly when I saw the hurt in his eyes. His jaw was clenched tightly and his expression showed me pain.

"Revenge?" Tumaas ang kilay niya bago siya ngumiti ng walang emosyon. "Gano'n ba kababaw ang pagmamahal ko sayo, Elais?"

I opened my mouth but nothing came out. The coldness and pain in his voice drove me to immobility. It was agonizing to see that he was hurting too because of my words. I could no longer understand what I feel.

"Then what is this, Olzen? Bakit may mga babaeng nang-aako ng posisyon ko? I don't understand anything at all! Zaira who claims that you love her and then Laurice who claims to be you girlfriend! Hindi ko alam... hindi ko alam kung sinong papaniwalaan ko..." marahas akong umiling.

He pushed his tongue on the insides of his cheek before biting his lower lip. Tumingala siya at bumuga ng hangin. Nang muli siyang tumingin sa akin ay namumula na ang kaniyang mga mata.

"I always remind you that I love you every night and prove it to you every day. Hindi pa ba sapat 'yon para ako ang paniwalaan mo?" His voice trembled a little.

Suminghap ako at iniwas ang tingin dahil sa kirot na dulot nito sa aking puso. Patuloy ako sa pagpahid ng aking luha.

"Damn..." pinisil niya ang namumulang ilong. "Halos ayain na kita ng kasal... tapos wala ka pa lang tiwala sa akin."

I feel like my heart shattered completely at his words. Marahas akong umiling, gustong magsalita pero mas lalo lamang naiyak. I trust him... I really do but I'm just so scared.

I'm scared of the possibilities that will completely destroy me when all I did for the past years is to struggle in saving myself. I'm just terribly scared because now that I found my comfort in his arms... things are starting to get hard.

"Yes." He said coldly. "During my graduating year in college, I met Zaira in La Salle. Hindi ko alam kung paano siya napunta ro'n pero wala akong pakialam. I was barely living that time but I wanted so bad to finish college so I can leave the country. Hindi ko siya madalas makita sa university pero sa tuwing nasa bar ako kasama ang ibang kaibigan, naro'n din siya."

Tumigil siya para humugot ng malalim na hininga. Diretso ang tingin niya sa akin. I could not explain the emotions in his eyes. My lips are trembling and my tears are slowly coming to an end.

"Those events occurred often. She'd approach me and ask things. Then later on she admitted that she likes me. But I was no longer interested with those kinds of things. Halos wala na nga akong maramdaman dahil namanhid na ako sa lahat ng nangyayari sa buhay ko. I turned her down but she was persistent. Sa tuwing nasa bar ako, naro'n din siya at palagi'y sinusubukan niya ako-"

"May nangyari ba sa inyong dalawa?" I asked, almost a whisper.

Tinitigan niya ako. His eyes darkened for a second. My heart clenched as I found the answer in those.

"Just once." Pumikit siya ng mariin at nang muling nagmulat ay mukhang sobrang nagsisisi.

I covered my mouth as tears started pouring again. He opened his eyes and they were already bloodshot. He looks regretful and pained.

"It was their first death anniversary..." tumigil siya at umigting ng husto ang kaniyang panga. "I went to the bar to get drunk in order to forget just for a while how fucked up my life is that time. The next morning, I found myself in her condo. I don't want to make excuses but I was wasted that time. Hindi ko alam kung anong nangyari pero ano pa bang ibig sabihin no'n 'di ba? I'm on her bed with a fucking hangover!" 

Suminghap ako at tinakpan ang aking bibig gamit ang likod ng aking kamay. 

 "On my graduation day, she approached me asking if we could give it a chance but I turned her down again. I left the country. The next time I saw her was in our company, almost three years ago. And I swear to God, Elais... hindi ko kailanman siya pinagtuunan ng pansin." He looked at me apologetically.

Hindi ko alam kung anong mararamdaman pero alam kong hindi ako galit. I said I will accept his past but I didn't expect it to be like this. I don't know what to feel anymore.

"Hindi ko na sinabi sayo dahil nakaraan na 'yon para sa akin. It doesn't matter to me anymore. I'm sorry. I thought it wasn't important because it's in the past already." He swallowed hard.

"She loves you..." suminghap ako at tinitigan siya.

His jaw clenched as he shook his head in disapproval. He looks angry, in pain, regret and all that.

"I don't care." Matigas ang tono ng boses niya.

"And I bet Laurice does too." I whispered bitterly.

He licked his lips, getting more and more impatient.

"But I don't! I don't love her, Elais! Not Zaira, not Laurice, but you! It's you, it's always been you!"

I swallowed hard at the intensity of his voice. He was frustrated but he's still trying to be calm.

"I didn't know that you called that night. I was in my office sleeping. I didn't know you called. Ilang beses kitang tinatawagan kahapon at nang nagpaalam ako sa mga kasama ko na uuwi na ako dahil tangina..." umiling siya at suminghap.

"Kayang kaya kong iwan at talikuran lahat para lang masigurado kong ayos ka. I was so worried because I don't know what's happening. Bago ako umalis ay umamin sa akin si Laurice." Tumigil siya dahil sa pag-iigting ng kaniyang panga.

"She told me what she did. She sneaked in my office that night and answered your call! Really? She called me babe? Wala akong narinig dahil tulog ako. Umamin siya sa ginawa niya. I was so angry because I know it was the reason why you've been ignoring my calls!"

My eyes widened in surprise. What? She did that? I thought... I thought it was really... I puffed a breath and sucked in my guilt.

"Kaya umuwi ako para makapag-usap tayo pero anong nadatnan ko? You were drunk while kissing someone!" Tumaas ang tono ng boses niya pero kaagad din siyang kumalma.

My lips parted and I shook my head violently. "It was an accident!"

He stared at me, angry and pained. There was a potential storm dancing in his eyes. The menace and coldness made my body tremble.

"This is our first problem and you chose to get drunk instead of confronting me? What do you take me for?" He uttered under his breath.

Kinagat ko ang labi ko dahil sa pamumuo ng luha sa mga mata ko. Ang sakit ng dibdib ko.

"I was hurt and scared! Pagod ako sa pag-iyak kaya... kaya sumama ako kay Meana. I just wanted to divert the pain..." depensa ko.

"You think I'm doing all this for revenge? You think I'm doing something behind your back with Laurice? Sa tingin mo kaya kong gawin iyon sayo, Elais?" Mariin niyang tanong.

Yumuko ako at piping umiling. Narinig ko ang pagsinghap niya. Walang nagsalita sa amin pagkatapos ang isang minuto. He's trying to calm himself because I know that he's angry too. Wala na akong alam na sasabihin.

"Ilang beses kong sinabi sayo na walang namamagitan sa amin ni Laurice. I assured you everytime kaya bakit kailangang ganito? Bakit kailangan mo pa ako pagdudahan kung kulang na lamang ay isigaw ko sa buong mundo kung gaano kita kamahal?" Marahas siyang humugot ng malalim na hininga.

I folded my lips and sobbed silently.

"Ginagawa ko naman lahat para maparamdam ko sayong kahit ilang taon ang lumipas, ikaw pa rin. Dahil kahit ako, hindi ko alam kung bakit ikaw pa rin. Hindi ko alam kung bakit kahit nasaktan mo ako, kahit iniwan mo ako, kahit nagalit ako sayo... ikaw pa rin." Suminghap siya nang manginig ang kaniyang boses.

Nang mag-angat ako ng tingin ay tumagilid ang ulo niya, iniiwasan ang mga mata ko. Kinagat ko ang labi nang makita ko ang luha sa kaniyang pisngi. He looks so tired and hurt that it broke my heart. His jaw clenched and he shut his eyes tightly for a second.

God, what have I done? Kruise, I'm sorry. I promised you that I will make your brother happy but why am I hurting him instead? My eyes welled again as my heart tightened.

"I'm sorry..." I croaked with trembling voice.

Hindi siya nagsalita. I dried up my tears, stopping more from falling. Ilang minuto kaming tahimik bago ako muling nagsalita.

"I'm... I'm going home." Mahina kong sinabi.

He took a deep breath and stared at me heavily. I swallowed hard and looked away.

"Stay. I cooked you breakfast." Aniya sa mababang boses.

Umiling ako at suminghap. I would love to. I want to patch things up but I want to reflect on myself first. Umigting ang panga niya sa reaksyon ko. I feel so guilty because I know I am at fault and I realized what my fear had caused him.

"I... want to rest. I need time to think."

Kinagat niya ang labi. I saw a sudden glitter of pain and fear in his eyes but he blinked them away. Naglakad siya palapit sa akin. Nanginig ang tuhod ko sa aking pag-atras. I'm afraid that a single touch from him, I would give in. He doesn't deserve what I did and it's just right to give him room to breathe too.

"Can you please stop..." he gasped, "moving away?"

I nibbled my lip and looked up to him. He's now one step away. Tinitigan niya ang mukha ko. I let him see that I'm determined to go home even though I was dying to hug him. He looks tired and upset.

"You want me to give you time?" He swallowed hard.

Nahigit ko ang hininga at tipid na tumango. He nodded lightly, biting his lip and looked away from me.

"I'm sorry for everything that might have caused you pain. I will... give you time."

It was obvious that it was against his will. Kinagat ko ng mariin ang labi para hindi na ako makapagsalita pa.

"Ihahatid na kita. Please don't say no." He averted back his gaze on me.

Hindi na ako nagreklamo dahil gusto ko na rin lang magpahinga. Tahimik kaming dalawa habang papunta kami sa basement. At kahit no'ng nasa biyahe kami ay walang imikan. I gave him a small 'thank you' before I went out of the car. He didn't look at me until I closed the door. Mabilis akong tumakbo papasok sa bahay at hindi na lumingon pa.

Nasa hagdan na ako nang malingunan ko si Meana na palabas ng dining room. She looks so shocked to see me. Natigilan ako at humarap sa kaniya.

"How did I end up in Olzen's condo?" Kunot noong tanong ko.

Kinagat niya ang labi at ngumiwi sa akin. "I'm sorry, couz. He keeps calling you so I answered your phone. Sinabi ko kung nasaan tayo at 'yon... pumunta siya agad. You passed out and he asked me if I could take you. I'm sorry."

I nodded. Hindi naman ako galit sa kaniya. She looks apologetic. Tipid akong ngumiti.

"It's fine. I'll... just take a rest."

Tinitigan niya ako, mukhang may gusto pang sabihin pero sa huli ay hinayaan niya ako. Pag-akyat ko sa aking kwarto ay kaagad akong naligo. While the water pounded on my body, my mind was lost to our heated conversation. I pondered on that for a long time. Pumikit ako ng mariin at tinapos na ang pagligo. I feel drained and empty.

Hindi ko alam kung paano ako nakatulog kaagad. Ilang minuto pa lang yata akong nakahiga sa kama nang hilain na ako ng antok. I woke up late in the afternoon. I looked for my phone but then I realized I don't know where I put it. Kaagad kong hinanap si Meana sa bahay. She was in the garden, busy with her designs.

"Hey," I called when I neared her.

She immediately smiled at me. "Are you feeling better?"

"Yes. Nasayo ba ang purse ko? O naiwan ko sa condo ni Olzen?"

Her lips parted then she stood up. "It's in my room."

Pagkatapos kong makuha ang purse ay bumalik ako agad sa kwarto. I opened my cell but it was drained so I needed to charge it. Lumabas ulit ako ng kwarto at dumiretso sa may dining area. Matagal akong kumain dahil