Chapter 15

That night, I couldn't sleep. My mind is heavy from too much worrying and thinking.

Tahimik ang naging biyahe namin pauwi. Maliban sa iilang kuwento ni Lola na tahimik kong pinapakinggan. Hindi rin ako tinanong ni Papa tungkol sa nangyari.

"Era, are you okay?" He asked when we're already inside the house.

Natigil ako sa pag-akyat at nilingon si Papa na pinapanood ako. I smiled and nodded.

"Pagod lang po, Pa." I said faintly.

"Magpahinga ka na kung gano'n." Aniya.

Pagkarating ko sa kwarto ay pinilit ko ang sariling maghugas ng katawan. Nakahiga sa kama at nakatitig sa kisame, nakakabingi ang katahimikan sa buong kwarto.

My heart aches everytime I recall the look in his eyes. My mind wanders on so many things making me frustrated. I should be calm now that I chose to stop it, hindi ba? Putting an end to it would give me peace because I don't need to think about it anymore. But why do I feel the opposite?

Marahas akong bumuga ng hangin at pumikit ng mariin. Tiningnan ko ang cellphone na nasa aking tabi. Kinagat ko ang labi at pinisil ang ilong sa sobrang pagpipigil.

When I heard my phone beeped I almost fell from the bed for jolting suddenly. Kaagad kong tiningnan kung sino 'yon at nang makitang si Kruise ay kaagad kong binuksan ang mensahe.

Kruise:

Era, what happened? Napagalitan sina Kuya Olzen at Kuya Mike but don't worry everything's good now. Okay lang ba kayo ni Kuya?

My heart clenched surprisingly. Hinilot ko ang sentido habang tinititigan ang mensahe. What should I say to her? That I dropped everything already?

I'm sure she'd ask me why and that's my problem. Paano ko sasagutin ang tanong na 'yon? When the reason why I did that is unclear to me now...

Ako:

We had a row. Hayaan mo na.

Ilang minuto rin siya bago nag-reply.

Kruise:

Are you sure? After getting his lesson, he left home. Mom is worried but Daddy talked to her already. Nagpaalam yata si Kuya sa kaniya.

My eyes widened a bit at her reply. My heart palpitated while typing.
Where did Olzen go?

Ako:

Saan siya pumunta?

Kruise:

I don't know either. Hindi ba siya nag-text sayo?

I stared at her text. There is no message from him. At hindi ako mapakali habang iniisip kung nasaan siya ngayon. I feel like my head would blow up anytime soon. Kalaunan ay nagpaalam na si Kruise na matutulog habang ako'y hindi magawang hilain ng antok.

I woke up late the next day and the first thing I did is to check my phone. Nakatulugan ko ang pag-iisip kagabi. I took a deep breath when I saw there was no messages. It's already 11 in the morning, I wonder if he's home...

My goodness, Era! Why are you thinking too much about it? I thought you want to stop already? Then what is this?

Massaging my temple, I got up from my bed and went inside the bathroom to wash my face. I opted to leave my phone in my room so I won't get paranoid by checking it over and over again.

"Good morning, Apo! Kumain ka na," bati ni Lola nang makita akong pababa sa hagdan.

I ate my breakfast in peace. Buong araw ay wala akong natanggap na mensahe mula sa kaniya. I hate to admit it, but I am expecting. And everytime I remember what happened last night, a part of me regretted what I did. But for my own consolation, I'd convince myself it's for the better.

He needs to learn. I don't like it when his temper always gets him. It's not the first time he promised to control it but still, there is no change from him.

Alam ko naman na gano'n na talaga siya, simula pa lang. I just don't like it when he gets aggressive because of his temper. And jealousy? Something pinched my heart by the thought of it.

The first day of the new semester is just like the usual. Since there was a re-shuffle of students, may mga bago kaming kaklase at iyong ibang kaklase ko dati ay napunta sa ibang section. We had to introduce ourselves again. Some of our instructors just informed us the topics for the whole semester. The real discussion will begin next week.

Kasama ko ang mga dati kong kaklase sa learning hall nang magkaroon kami ng break. We still have an hour and a half before the next subject. I was busy watching the junior high school on their basketball game when my eyes caught something.

Napatuwid ako ng upo at nahigit ang hininga. My heart palpitated as I watch him. I haven't seen him for days. He never messaged me again after the New Year party at their house. Wala rin namang sinasabi si Kruise sa tuwing nag-uusap kami. It took me so much self-control just so I won't ask anything about her brother.

Nanginig ang aking kamay at ramdam ko ang namumuong malamig na pawis sa aking noo. Naglalakad papunta sa direksyon namin, kasama ni Olzen ang mga kaklase niya siguro. Some faces are not familiar to me.

In his crisp white polo uniform and black slacks, with that height and built, he looks like a model in a runaway. My lips parted when I noticed his new haircut.

His hair is a bit long the last time I saw him, but now it's shorter. At kung noon na laging naka-gel ang kaniyang buhok patungo sa likod, it's different now.

Nahati ang buhok niya sa gitna. The other side is a bit thicker and it's covering a part of his forehead. His hair is a bit messy, like it was designed to be like that. My breathing hitched as I perceive his new look.

Sure, he looks good with an undercut or longer hair but his new haircut is just... I swallowed the lump in my throat. He's looks more sharp and fine-looking than ever. I can't believe I am very much strucked by his appearance.

Habang papalapit sila ay mas lalo akong hindi mapakali sa aking kinauupuan. I don't know why I feel like that... sure, I did think of him the past days. But I don't know why seeing him again after our fight is consuming me. The feeling is more stronger than ever and it frustrates me.

Madadaanan nila ang lamesa namin dahil nasa gilid kami. My classmates are talking about something I could not follow. I'm busy calming my agitated heart. Nang makita kong bahagya siyang lumingon ay kaagad kong iniwas ang tingin.

Ibinagsak ko ang tingin sa librong hindi pa binubuklat. I opened the book and locked my eyes on the table of contents.

On my peripheral view, I saw them walked past our table. Humugot ako ng malalim na hininga nang pakiramdam ko'y nakalagpas na sila. Did he saw me? Napansin niya man lang ba ako? Pumikit ako ng mariin.

"Is that Rosales? Hindi ko siya namukhaan! Shit, ang gwapo lalo!" Narinig kong sinabi ng nasa kabilang table.

"Sis, I swear, hindi ako mag-aasawa ng hindi engineer! Come on, Oliver is just so..."

Hindi ko narinig ang sumunod dahil humina ang boses ng babae. Ang sunod na narinig ko ay ang hagikhikan nila ng mga kasama niya.

Malamig akong sumulyap sa table nila. Nagtagal ang titig ko sa babaeng sa tingin ko'y nagsabi no'n. Ilan pa kaya ang humahanga sa kaniya ng ganito? I wonder.

Suddenly, I felt something new for me. Envy? I have never been envious in my whole life. Why would I feel envious of those girls who shamelessly admit their feelings towards him? Why would I feel like that?

Nanikip ang dibdib ko. Baon ko ang tanong na iyon hanggang sa matapos ang araw. Hindi ko na ulit nakita si Olzen buong araw. Nagkita kami ni Kruise no'ng tanghali at sabay kaming kumain. Her brother is out of sight at ayoko siyang tanungin. She never mentioned anything either and we only talked about our schedules.

Galing sa building ng aking huling klase, hindi pa ako tuluyang umuwi. Dumiretso ako sa accounting para sana'y magbayad pero nang makitang sarado na ito ay nagtungo ako sa taas ng learning hall kung saan abot tanaw ko ang malawak na field at bastket ball court.

Dahil walang bubong ang pinakamataas na bahagi ay kitang kita ko ang langit. I put down my bag to one of the concrete tables. Walang tao ro'n maliban sa apat na estudyante na malayo sa akin at nagkukwentuhan.

I propped my hands on the railings while watching the scattered students on the field and even on the benches beside the basketball court. Ilang minuto akong nanonood hanggang sa sumagi sa isip ko kung bakit ako narito ngayon. I sighed and looked up to the sky.

The sun is starting to set, it's already past five and the sky looks beautiful with the mixture of colors on it.

I went here to think, to rest my mind or to sort out what possibly I'm feeling and going through. Ayoko munang umuwi at magkulong lamang sa kwarto o magbasa dahil paniguradong hindi rin ako titigilan ng mga iniisip ko.

"How are you, Era?" I whispered to myself after taking a deep breath.

Umihip ang pang-hapon na hangin. Malamig at nakaka-relax. Dinuduyan ang magulong damdamin ko. Kinagat ko ang aking labi habang binabalikan ang nakaraan, kung bakit ako nasa sitwasyong ganito ngayon.

Before, I always have a peace of mind. I don't have to worry about anything. I don't have to sort out my feelings because there's nothing there. My life is simple and halcyon. But when I met him, everything changed.

I'm not dumb. I don't want to turn a blind eye forever. And I don't want to keep fooling myself. I have been holding on to my principles for the past years but I just couldn't keep holding on to it. Gusto kong magalit sa sarili ko, bakit ko hinayaan ito?

What a fool, Elais Aurora! Magkakagusto ka na nga lang, sa lalaking malayo pa sa deskripsyon mo ng "nararapat na lalaki"! Malayong malayo sa lalaking pangarap mo!

I thought it would fade, I thought I was just mistaken or overwhelmed with these new feelings that I thought it can still change. I thought I can cover it just like how the clouds conceal the moon every night. But slowly, I learned to accept it, but not fully.

My fear is there and I'm desperately holding on to the faintest hope of getting back on my principles. Believe me, I want to stop. Tinapos mo na 'di ba? Bulong ng isipan ko.

Did I really? Did I really stop liking him? Did I really cut the connection between us?

I smiled bitterly as I graze gently the necklace that Olzen gave me. My heart ached as I recall the promise linked with this necklace. What would happen to the promise now? Ang pisikal na sakit sa aking puso ay umabot sa puntong gusto kong umiyak.

See, Era? This is what I am telling you! This is what I was preventing to happen to you from the very beginning. Is it so hard to stick to your principles? Is it that difficult to ignore someone like him? Look at you now. Helpless and hurting silently!

Suminghap ako at tumingala sa langit. Ang pagmumuni ay naputol nang makarinig ako ng tawanan sa kabilang bahagi ng lugar. My breathing slowly stopped when I saw Olzen with some of his friends. Nag-uusap sila at pumwesto sa lamesang malapit din sa railings.

The pain in my heart grew as I watch him smiling while talking to one of the girls in their group. I can remember this ugly feeling. I felt this once when I saw him with the mayor's daughter. Now that it's assailing me again, I can't help but to wonder what is it.

Ayokong aminin sa sarili, ayokong mas lalong maging tanga sa mga desisyong pinili ko.

Even when he's smiling, he still looks serious. His eyes are hooded and his movements are somewhat frigid. While watching him, I realize... this is the first time I miss someone other than my mother.

Wow! How smart of you, Era! How awfully clever for you to realize that!

Suminghap ako nang nalingunan ako ng isa sa mga kaibigan niya. It was Mark and his eyes widened when he saw me. Ngumiti siya sa akin pero tumalikod na ako at dinampot ang aking bag bago nagmamadaling bumaba ng rooftop.

Sa sumunod na araw ay hinatid ako ni Papa dahil maaga ang klase ko at gano'n din siya sa trabaho. Hindi ako masyadong nakakain kaninang umaga kaya naman pagkatapos ng unang klase ko ay tumambay ako sa canteen. I was eating my snack when someone occupied the seat beside me.

"Hey, ex-classmate." Ngumisi sa akin si Gio.

I couldn't help but to smile at his mocking smirk. Isa siya sa mga natanggal sa dati naming klase.

"Namiss kita, ah." Aniya. "Kumusta 'yong mga bago niyong kaklase?"

Tumikhim ako at uminom sa bottled mineral. "Okay lang naman. Syempre nag-aadjust pa kaming lahat."

Tumango siya at muling ngumiti. Tumingin siya sa kinakain ko. Tumawa siya at mas lalong lumapit sa akin.

"Hindi ka ba kumain at ang dami niya'n?" Sabay turo niya sa pancakes na binili ko.

"I didn't eat much of breakfast. Wala ka bang klase?" I asked.

"Mamayang 9 pa, hinihintay ko 'yong iba." Tugon niya at tumingin sa cellphone niya.

Tumango ako at nag-angat ng tingin. Napadpad ang tingin ko sa may counter at halos manlamig ako nang magtama ang tingin namin ni Olzen.

He was standing there with Bryle. Abala si Bryle sa pagpili ng makakin habang siya nama'y nagmamasid sa amin. His eyes were cold and dark as he observes us. My heart pounded so hard.

Napatayo ako at lumayo kay Gio sa takot na baka sumugod si Olzen sa amin. My lips parted when I saw Olzen's eyes turned colder, his lips are in a grim line. My heart was clenching and beating so fast.

Kaya naman, hindi ko alam kung anong mararamdaman nang tinalikuran niya kami. Tumango sa kung ano man ang sinabi ni Bryle. Nagbayad si Bryle at sabay silang lumabas ng canteen. Hindi na ulit siya lumingon sa aming direksyon.

"Era... are you okay?"

'Tsaka ko lang napakawalan ang pinipigilang hininga nang marinig ang nag-aalalang boses ni Gio. Sinulyapan ko siya, hindi pwedeng i-kaila ang sakit at pagkadismaya sa aking mukha. Nanginginig ang kamay ko habang paulit-ulit na inaalala ang lamig sa mga mata ni Olzen.

What was that? His cold piercing eyes looked at me blankly.

"Hey, Era. What's wrong?" Tumayo na rin si Gio.

Mabilis akong umiling at halos hawakan ko na ang magkabilang gilid ng labi para lang makangiti. I feel pathetic!

All throughout the day, all I did was to erase in my mind what happened in the morning. What was I thinking? Pinaghalong galit, iritasyon, pait at sakit ang nararamdaman ko.

Mad at myself for expecting and mad at Olzen for a vague reason. Hindi dapat ako magalit sa kaniya 'di ba? There is no reason for me to be angry at him! I ended us! I told him that we should stop it! So why am I angry now?

"Wala ka nang klase?" Bati ni Kruise sa akin nang datnan niya ako sa learning hall.

Tipid akong ngumiti at umiling. She smiled and sat beside me.

"Ako rin, wala ng klase. Sabay na tayong umuwi?" Aniya.

Sa pagod ngayong araw ay napapikit na lamang ako at tumango. I just want to go home and rest but I waited for Kruise because she wants to see me. Hindi kami sabay umuwi kahapon dahil conflict ang schedule namin kapag Monday.

Nakahawak siya sa aking braso habang naglalakad kami patungo sa gate ng university. Nang madaanan namin ang parking lot ay hinila niya ako papunta sa pamilyar na pick up. My eyes widened when I realized it was Olzen's car.

"Sasabay tayo sa Kuya mo?" Pinigilan ko siya sa paglalakad patungo sa sasakyan.

Nilingon niya ako at tumango. "Yep, wala na siyang klase. Nagpahintay ako. Sumabay ka na sa amin."

Mabilis akong umiling. I felt my heart reacting violently at the thought of facing him after what happened for the past days and even just this morning!

"N-no... uhm, magta-tricy na lang ako." I pulled my arm away from her grasp.

Kumunot ang noo niya sa akin at mabilis na hinagilap ang braso ko. Pwersahan niya akong hinila.

"Ano? Mag-aalas sais na, Era. Anong oras ka na makakauwi niya'n! Sumabay ka na sa amin."

"Magpapasundo na lang ako kay Papa," giit ko at nagseryoso.

Tumigil siya sa paghihila sa akin at pinagmasdan ako. I looked at her calmly, hoping she won't see the panic in my eyes. Why are you panicking, Era?

"May problema ba kayo ni Kuya, Era?" She asked softly.

Natahimik ako. Hindi ako makahinga ng husto lalo na nang makita ko si Olzen na nakatayo na sa gilid ng pick up at kunot-noong pinapanood kami.

And just like this morning, his eyes were cold. But his stare is not blank anymore, it's just serious and brooding. Nahigit ko ang hininga at hindi nagpakita ng ano mang ekspresyon.

Why are you running away, Era? Stop running away and face it! You can just act like nothing is wrong! Treat him the way you do even before you two happened!

"Era..." marahang tawag ni Kruise.

Iniwas ko ang tingin kay Olzen at bumaling kay Kruise. She looked at me with concern in her eyes.

"Hahayaan sana kita kung hindi ka komportable kay Kuya pero maggagabi na kasi..." aniya.

Suminghap ako at malamig na ngumiti sa kaniya.

"It's fine. Sasabay na lang ako."

Nasa loob na ng sasakyan si Olzen nang nagpasya kaming sumakay na rin. I opened the door of the passenger seat, nakita ko ang pag-alma ni Kruise sa ginawa ko lalo na nang makapasok na ako.

Dumapo ang tingin ko kay Olzen na tahimik na naka-upo at pinaglalaruan ang susi ng sasakyan sa kaniyang kamay. Sinulyapan niya ang kapatid na umupo sa shotgun seat. His lips twitched and his jaw clenched.

When his head tilted to look at the rear-view mirrow, I looked away and gazed outside the window. My heart is stupidly palpitating. I hate how bitterly sweet it felt.

Umandar ang sasakyan at nagsimula ang tugtugin. That's Olzen, he likes to play music in the car. Walang nagsasalita sa aming tatlo. Hindi ko alam kung ramdam ni Kruise ang distansya sa amin ni Olzen. She never asked me, hindi ko alam kung aware siya na hindi na talaga kami nag-uusap ng Kuya niya.

Nang nasa highway na kami ay pinilit kong ituon ang atensyon ko sa mga gusali at sasakyan na nadadaanan namin. It's dark already. Malamig sa loob ng sasakyan dahil sa aircon. Hindi na ako nagreklamo at mariing itinikom ang labi.

"Kuya, daan nga tayo sa 7/11 sa may RGT. I need to buy something." Ani Kruise.

Hindi sumagot si Olzen. Mabigat ang loob na sinulyapan ko siya. His gaze is focused on the road. I know I shouldn't be staring at him but I can't help it. Is this really the end? He gave up? That's it?

Tumigil ang sasakyan sa gilid ng 7/11. Lumabas si Kruise. I then realized that I should have just accompanied her when the long deafening silence between me and Olzen was emphasized. Walang music, hindi ko alam kung itinigil ba o ano.

Ayokong tingnan si Olzen. Kahit mabali na ang leeg ko kakatingin sa mga taong nasa labas, okay lang. I felt him manipulate something on the player then I heard a new melody. Suminghap ako at mariing pinagsiklop ang mga daliri habang pinapakinggan ang panibagong musika.

"Sitting on the stairs

You're standing by the front door

I don't even remember what we're fighting for

Tryin' to cut the tension

But you blow it with your sentence

And I just wanna end it every time."

I swallowed the lump in my throat while mutely listening to the song. I can't just fully ignore it especially when I can hear Olzen's faint voice singing along with the song I am not familiar with. Naninikip ang dibdib ko habang pinapakinggan siya.

"You just take me to the edge

You pull me back again

You're messing with my head

You..."

I pressed my lips tightly. Hindi ko na marinig ang boses niya. Hindi ako nangahas na lumingon at pinanatili ang tingin sa labas ng bintana.

"Don't matter what you do

Don't matter what you say

I'm lyin' here with you

And baby, I can't stay

You say you're done with me

I swear that I'm done too

And then I try to