bonding: (noun)
1. the establishment of a relationship or link with someone based on shared feelings, interests, or experiences.

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Things have felt different between me and Ash this week, everything has felt a lot calmer and life seems somewhat easier. I enjoy Ash's company a lot and I know he enjoys mine too. Even though he thinks this manor is stupidly haunted, he manages to keep his shit together so we can get our job done.

But we have also had our ways with each other between visits from our probation officers, no minute is safe but we decided to take the risk. We've almost been caught a few times now but that's what makes it so thrilling and I love how my heart races and our lips are swollen and we have to act like nothing happened.

It makes me feel so fucking alive. With Ash I feel like I've never lived before. What the fuck was my life before I even met him?

Boxing, verbal abuse from father, repeat.

No wonder Ash feels like a breath of fresh air. He relieves me and I relieve him. But not just with orgasms and perfect climaxes, just the way we touch each other. Sometimes we handle one another with care and other times we're so rough that I'm sure our bodies might explode.

I like both sides to... whatever is going on between us.

Certainly keeps me on my toes and alert at any given moment.

We take a long deserved break at lunch because it's the hottest part of the day and even though it's nothing like that heatwave a few weeks back, it's still scorching.

Both of us sit outside on an old table that's pressed up against the edge of the wall and in the shade. As we eat our lunch Ash twists his legs and twists them into a crossed position as he looks at me.

"How did you get into boxing?"

I throw my empty foil packet from my sandwich on the table beside me and rotate my head to Ash, staring back at me with big curious eyes.

"I was never good at football, rugby or whatever sport is fucking popular right now," I draw my legs up to my chest and rest my elbows on them. "Through school I kind of liked running, doing more athletic sports than games. I went to college and they had a boxing session, I tried it out and I loved it."

Ash tilts his head and chews on the inside of his lip. "What do you love about it? Because from where I'm standing, you're fighting with some random person for fun. You hit them, they hit you. You get hurt, have the bruises to show for it and then go home?"

I laugh quietly at his description but I nod. "Yeah I guess that's exactly what happens. But it's exciting, it's good for fitness, for reactions. Sparring has been fun because I like to test my strength against someone else. I guess I can't really explain it, it feels good when I do it."

"It's really dangerous, you know that right?"

"Ash," I snort to myself. "I've been doing it for like six years and I'm not exactly at a professional level. I'm an amateur, at best."

"But you want to be a professional," he comments and I nod.

"Yeah, I'd love to make it professional but it's a lot of training. A lot of fights."

His eyes flick between mine and he moves closer. "Are you good?"

I shrug and look out at the long grass in front of us. "Maybe you should come over next time I fight so you can be the judge of that."

Ash gapes at my words. "Remember how I am with blood?"

"True but it's not like pools of blood, it's normally a little scratch, tiny wound. Nothing too serious." I explain and watch as he looks down to his lap momentarily.

"But I also don't want to see you get hurt either," his voice grows quieter.

"There is always a medic on standby."

Ash gives me a deadpan look, one screaming 'like that makes it any better'. "Yeah, I think I'll pass."

I lean back into the wall and study him. "What? Not even one fight?"

He's looking down at my little smile but he shakes his head. "If I come, I'll close my eyes the whole time."

A low chuckle escapes my chest and I grin. "I guess I can deal with that."

"So do you have another job or are you focusing on boxing?"

My head shakes. "I did have a job, I used to work at the gym I boxed at. But when I got arrested and probation they told me to come back when my community service is over, they don't want boxers to be brushed as criminals and represent their gym."

"That's kinda shit," Ash's mouth slants. "So is that your end goal? Wanting to box as a career."

"Yeah," I say without having to think. "My dad got me into some really good fights before and even though he's a fucking pain in my ass, he did work really hard to get me set up with some experienced people to fight."

Ash knocks my ankle with the tip of his shoe but he doesn't move away. "Do you wish he wasn't taking control of it?"

"Yes, so badly but I can't really do anything about it because of my probation."

"Can't you just tell him no?"

My neck rolls and I look back into Ash's eyes. "My father is a fucking asshole, telling him no is like declaring World War III."

"Would you ever move out?"

I shrug. "Maybe but I don't have enough savings to do so."

"Me either," he exhales and rests his head on the wall. "Can I ask about your mum? You've not really spoken about her before."

The subject stings my heart but I nod and suck in a breath. "Sure," I force a smile. "She's still alive, if that's what you're wondering."

Ash's eyes relax a little, releasing a silent sigh of relief. "Where is she?"

"She lives in Scotland now with her new husband," my tone drops and Ash senses this.

He leans over and grabs my arm gently, one to show me comfort and it does, instantly. "Sorry, we don't have to talk about it. I've just been curious."

"It's okay," I shake it off. "She broke it off with my dad when I was like ten, she met Mark and moved to Scotland with him."

"Did you not want to go with her?"

I shake my head and look down at his hand which is still firmly on my arm. "I didn't want to move away from my friends, from my school. My dad kept the house and it just felt easier to stay with him."

"What does your mum think of boxing?"

"She wants me to do what makes me happy but she has the same worries you do, regarding getting hurt and bleeding," I offer Ash a smile. "I haven't seen her in a while."

Ash shuffles even closer and slides his hand down my arm. "When was the last time you saw her?"

"Not last Christmas but the Christmas before."

His eyes widen and he squeezes my arm. "Oh... that's shit."

"She's busy and I'm busy but we text when we can."

He doesn't respond but then a thousand things run through my head. When I talk about my life, it sounds so fucking lame. I'm surprised Ash isn't yawning and begging for me to shut up.

I push off the wall and walk inside, hating that I feel this ache of disappointment and failure inside my heart.

I'm twenty-three and barely experienced anything or done anything worthy in my life.

I am just some dumb amateur boxer who's in the fucking closet and feels like they're losing complete control of their life. That is what everyone thinks. Because when I voice them outloud, I realise how pathetic and weak I sound.

I am a failure to my whole entire existence. Nothing good can come of my life because I am capable of doing nothing great.

Ash's footsteps can be heard from behind me as I walk into the living room.

"What's wrong?" He asks deeply. "Did I say something? I'm sorry if I said something or pushed you to say anything."

I stop in the middle of the empty living room and turn around to face Ash who is standing right behind me.

He's looking at me with these soft, curious and concerned eyes.

"I just hate talking about myself, my life," I avoid his gaze and look at the wall.

I can see out of the corner of my eye that he narrows his own. "Why?"

My head shakes, clenching my jaw. What is the point in even talking about it? That just makes the situation even more pathetic.

Ash steps closer and grips my jaw, forcing my eyes up to his but they don't, they remain low. "Talk to me," his voice is tender and has my body covering in goosebumps. "I don't understand what just happened."

I shake my head again but Ash doesn't remove his hand.

"Bodi," he whispers. "We were bonding and I like listening to what you have to say, I like feeling closer to you on an emotional level."

After a few moments I decide to glance up slowly, Ash is already studying me and when I meet his eyes, mine feel hooded and out of control.

Ash tilts my head even more with his fingers and steps impossibly closer, our faces merely inches from one another. "Talk to me," he flicks his eyes between mine. "I just want to understand you."

My face melts into his hand and for once I let the weight of my shoulders drop. "I guess," my tongue stings for a second but I push through. "I guess I just feel below adequate when I talk about myself, about my life."

He frowns deeply. "Why?"

"Because I sound like a complete failure. A boxing career that isn't going anywhere, a father who controls my life and a mother who barely sees me because she's too busy with her new family," my words fall from my lips a lot harsher than intended. Ash blinks but he doesn't flinch. "I just sound like I have nothing going for me."

"That's not true," he says instantly. "I know for a fact that if your dad wasn't controlling your life with your boxing, you'd be enjoying it a lot more and taking on new experiences and challenges. It's the same with my mum, I don't even want to impress her or show her what I can do because of how controlling she is."

I stare into his open and honest eyes and for once I feel like I can relate to his statement.

"But I think you're smart, you're tough but you're soft. You're kind, you stick up for your friends. You might have a rough relationship with your father but you deal with it, you cope with it but it won't be like this forever," he flicks his thumb across my cheek. "It's only temporary and when your probation is over, things might change in the boxing world. Don't put yourself down when you can't even fight in competitions because of probation. Your time will come. I promise."

The heaviness in my chest eases for a moment and I breathe as deep as possible.

"I like it when you open up to me," he carries on. "I like feeling this close to you."

My face moves closer to his and I clutch his face with my hands, he drops his from my cheek and looks back at me bashfully like he wasn't expecting the action. But then I pull our lips together and sigh as soon as our skin touches.

Ash's hands grip onto my overalls and hold me tight.

But I take my time, consuming his lips slowly. Taking each moment as it comes. Our lips smack gently, the sounds have me quivering to the floor.

He grunts softly into my mouth and I replicate the sound. Our tongues brush and I resist the urge to rip his clothes off because this kiss feels different, it's not the kind that would have me pushing him up against a wall.

It's an understanding kiss. A heartfelt kiss and Ash recognises that instantly.

I can feel every emotion he pours into my mouth, the way he holds onto my back with his hands and how his body answers to mine. Moves to mine like we're two pieces of the same puzzle. Destined to fit because nowhere else we do.

Nothing in my life has ever felt so right.

Our lips pull away gently and hover over each other, our eyes open and we smile.

"Should I compliment you more so you kiss me like that every time?" Ash questions a little breathlessly.

I laugh and then kiss him again and again until our lips are swollen and throbbing. "Yeah," I agree. "I wouldn't mind."

"Me either," his eyes sparkle.

We both reluctantly decide to do some work before we get too distracted and I'm more than satisfied with that kiss. I don't even need a quick fuck after that because there is a smile on my face that does not fade.

Ash gets a text from Carol saying no one is coming to sign us out because she's needed somewhere else with other officers. She says we better still be there for another twenty minutes and she can sign our sheets tomorrow.

So we decide to take a picture of ourselves with our gloves and the big skip outside.

She didn't find it as funny as we did.

When we're getting out of our overalls there is a car that pulls up outside, we both furrow our brows at each other and grab our bags. We head to the front of the manor and look out the doors, my eyes colliding with Reese's car.

Fuck. Fuck. What are they doing here?

Ash looks at me with a confused look. "Do you know them?" He asks.

"Yeah," I say quietly.

He doesn't probe anymore and I'm grateful. Reese jumps out of the driver side and Elijah from the passenger, their eyes meet mine and they smile. Reese shouts something at me with a loud welcome but blood roars in my ears and I can barely hear a thing.

"What are you guys doing here?" I ask suddenly when they stand a few feet from them. Ash stops at my side and I wish he didn't, I wish that he kept on walking so he doesn't have to meet my frie–rephrase–Reese.

"Stopped by your house," Reese shrugs before shoving his hands into his pockets. "Your dad said you'd be here and we agreed to going out tonight so thought we'd come pick you up."

"Right," I rasp.

"You ready to go?" Elijah asks.

I flick my eyes back to Reese who looks like he's about to size up Ash but I narrow my eyes at him. "Guys, this is Ash," I say to break the slight tension in the air. "Ash, this is Reese and Elijah."

"Sup man," Elijah waves a hand.

"Nice to meet you," Ash says politely before pushing his lips into a thin line.

Reese is still staring down Ash and it makes me feel uncomfortable, I hope Ash doesn't notice. I clear my throat and beckon my head towards Reese's car. "Let's go," I mumble and then turn around to Ash. "See you on Monday."

"Bye," Ash says quietly before stepping away and walking down the dirt track.

I climb into the back of Reese's car and listen to him chat shit about whatever was interesting him at the moment. If anything, I wish I was going home to my bed tonight.

Probation this week has been beyond exhausting and I don't want to have to entertain Ciara tonight. I know she's going to be at the gathering and most likely trying to jump my bones no matter how many times I tell her how I feel.

We arrive at Reese's house and Ciara gives me a massive hug before I even reach the front door. I'm sure I stink of dust and sweat but this doesn't bother her, she clings to me like a koala bear and doesn't let go.

"Okay, Ciara," I grumble into her hair and try and peel her away from me. "You can get off now, you're going to suffocate me."

She chuckles loudly and then places her feet onto the floor. Her finger wraps around her hair and she twirls it slowly, her eyes tracing over every inch of my face.

"I'm so glad you're here," she says huskily.

"Probably not going to stay long," I admit.

Her blue eyes sulk in my direction. "Why?"

"I'm tired," I shrug. "Probation has been a killer this week."

Ciara's bottom lip pokes out and she slides a hand up my arm and sighs longingly. "But I can make it all better, Bodi," she frowns. "Just like old times, just give it a chance. Give me a chance."

"Ciara," I strain my voice. "Really, not tonight."

"Come have a drink with me then?" She drops my arm and grabs my fingers.

"One drink and then I'm going home."

"Okay," her eyes perk up and she drags me into Reese's house, blasting rap music from the 90's.

I wish I went home, oh I wish I fucking went home.

Ciara chats my ears off and I feel like they're about to bleed but I don't tell her that, I don't want to hurt her feelings. She gets very sensitive when she's drunk and she's definitely on the way there, I need to leave before she's off her face and she doesn't end up crying at me all night.

I nurse my one drink because the taste makes my tongue burn, Ciara gives up talking to me and finds someone else to bother. The boys are all playing beer pong across his table tennis table.

I'm tucked away on one of the sofas in the corner of the room. I draw my phone from my pocket and click onto Instagram, I scroll unconsciously for a few moments and then my thumb hovers over the search button.

Without a second thought I punch in Ash's name and click on his profile as soon as it pops up.

My eyes drink in his feed, looking at the new photos he's posted since the last time I had a quick look at his account. I bravely press down on the follow button and draw back, looking at the button that now says 'Following'.

There is a weird sensation in my heart. He might not even manage his own Instagram. It's a strong chance that it's actually his mum who runs it and not Ash, so maybe he'll never see that I followed him.

For a few moments I just scroll through his account until I reach the top and click on my notifications.

AshKnight started following you

A wash of relief etches its way into my body and I fight a smile in case anyone comes bounding over, demanding why I'm smiling at my phone like a crazed lover.

The notification bar slides down at the top of the page and Ash's name pops up.

He's sent me a fucking message.

I race to open it because I am so weak to know what he's said.

AshKnight: You stalking me now?

My lips curve into a smile and I quickly tap out a text.

bodihawk1: You wish

I lock my phone as fast as possible and down the last few drops in my cup, despite the disgusting taste of whatever Reese made me.

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Author's Note
Read up to chapter 38 on Patreon! Link in bio!

Hello my loves. What did you think of this chapter?

These two are so cute and I adore Ash comforting Bodi. It makes me so happy!🥺

And that kiss has my heart melting into the ground😭😭😭

I hope you guys have been enjoying!

See you all on the next one. Love Savanna x

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