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⚠️trigger warning:⚠️

we've touched base on the topic of mental health before, but this chapter dives heavily into it, so read when you're in the right headspace to.

enjoy!

Cam POV

Five months.

It has been five months since Anthony has come to visit home. It's been five months of crying, fighting, and crappy excuses on his end. It's unbelievable. And depressing. And all around, a difficult situation. I still can't believe he willingly stayed away that long. I try not to think about it too much because of how lightheaded I feel every time I do.

We talk on the phone, maybe once every two or three days, but we usually text—and we don't even do that much. We barely even FaceTime anymore. And each time we do speak whether it be on FaceTime or just a regular call, the conversation got shorter and shorter each time. I'd give Anthony one word answers as he tries to apologize for whatever it is that he said to me. Or he'd give me one word answers when I'd actually be trying to have a conversation. Or I'd just call in to check on Aj, or he'd call in to check on Taleah and the pregnancy. And then that's it. But, I can't remember the last time we had a conversation just to talk to each other, and just to be in love, and as hard as being apart from each other is, we haven't even spoke about the anticipation to see each other.

I used to ask him all the time when he was planning on coming home to see us. All he'd do is beat around the bush, and then change the topic. I think I stopped asking about two months ago. Every time he'd have an excuse, I'd cry. And I was tired of crying all the time, even though I still cry every single day. But, it helps to not get my hopes up. This is exactly why I didn't want him to leave in the first place.

But, it's the first week of July. The kids are out of school. And I put my foot down during our last phone call and told him he's bringing my son home for a week. I didn't say for the Summer, because I've heard positive things about friends Aj has in Virginia, and I don't want to take him away from that just to be in an environment that is not stimulating for him. But, I do want to see him for a week at least, and then they can go back if they want. I want to see Anthony too, of course. But I can't help but to feel awkward at the thought of facing him today. Our relationship is very unstable and weird right now. Ever since he got up and left once that news of the floating bodies came out, things haven't been the same.

And don't get me started on this pregnancy with him gone. I'm always tired. I'm always in pain. I feel ten times worse than I did when I was pregnant with the twins. I have an anxiety attack every single night unless I'm laying at this weird angle with my hand kind of on my belly. With an arm with limited mobility, doing anything for myself is kind of hard as well. When I was pregnant with the twins, I had two working hands and Anthony around to help me out with the tasks that were too difficult. Things are so different this time around. I really rely on Tyler and Taleah to help me do certain things, but  others I'm forced to do on my own. Zaniyah would help me if she could, but she's just as pregnant as I am.

That's one thing that has been pretty decent though, having somebody around who's pregnant as well. We always want to do the same thing at the same time. Whether it's eat something we're craving (and we'd usually crave the same things), or cry together, or cuddle—which is kind of hard considering the physical barrier we both carry. But anyways, it's been great having someone to relate to, and I'm sure she can say the same. We even go to doctors appointments together sometimes.

And speaking of doctors appointments, if I'm being completely honest, it's not that my doctor is upset with me, but she's extremely worried about me choosing to go through with this pregnancy, even up until this point in my second trimester. She checks my vitals, and my stress levels like every single visit. And each time, she pleads with me to think about the choice I'm making to continue on with the pregnancy. From what happened with Taleah, I know that she usually tries to avoid terminating pregnancies. But, she's the one suggesting aborting now. I know the risks. And they're high, on top of me already being super high risk, just based off the fact that there's not many medical equipment that can be used on me in the case of an emergency.

In other words, she fears I'll have another stroke. One far worse than the one I had, and that stroke is going to be what attacks my brain. And then when it comes to the stroke, along with the pregnancy, and then potentially having to terminate the pregnancy while I'm having a stroke—she said bluntly that I will not make it out alive from something like that. And that's why she begs me over and over again to think about what I'm doing.

But I'm set, as I've always been. If that's what happens to me, then that's how I was meant to go. I want nothing more than to have another child. I can't overwrite the excitement I feel with fear. I can selfishly, but shamefully admit that it's one of the only things keeping me going right now. And today, we're actually going to find out the gender of the baby and what we're having. I don't want any surprises like last time when a weird and unplanned pregnancy turned even more strange. I want to know what I'm having, and how many. I'm crossing my fingers for one. Raising twins was a difficult experience, and I fear that I'm going to be doing a lot of raising on my own this time around again, though I really hope not.

I don't know whether or not I want to tell Anthony about the risks my doctor mentioned either. On one hand I do, because as the father, he should know what's going on with my body and how I'm handling the pregnancy and what risks to expect. But on the other hand, I really, really, really, don't want to make him nervous, and I don't want to get into an argument with him if he wants us to get rid of our child. That's why I'd rather him be under the assumption that the risks Im facing are adjacent to the ones I faced before. Then again, I know misleading him is wrong as well.

I have mislead him a few times in the past couple months. For one, about three months ago, he straight up told me to quit my job because he didn't want me working while pregnant, and he sent me a whole bunch of money, telling me I don't need to go to work because he can take care of me. I told him that's not happening whatsoever, so we came to a compromise and he told me to go on parental leave early. I knew the school wouldn't let me do that so early on, especially since I pretty much had just come back from being on a medical leave, but I still told Ant yes.

I didn't go on a leave. I just waited for the Summer to come around. He doesn't know that, and if he did he would be so angry. So, that's a secret I begged Tyler to keep, and he has so far. I was smart about it too—my attire consisted of big hoodies to conceal my bump.
I only told my students I was pregnant a day before their graduation. They were so excited, and they had no clue, it was so cute. But that's proof of how well I was concealing.

Anthony doesn't have to know any of that though. As far as he knows, I've been home for three months.

"I think daddy is outside," Taleah sticks her head through my room door, wearing a big smile. I smile back at her. She understands that things are kind of rocky with me and Ant, but more than anything, she's so excited to see him, and her brother though she wouldn't admit it. That's another thing. I don't know how Anthony could do this to Leah knowing how much she enjoys his company. But, I'll leave it alone. He's here now and that's what matters. Five months.

"Alright honey, I'm coming." I say. I wait until she walks away, and then count to three, and push my body up off the bed, immediately holding my back. I feel a sharp, agonizing pain in my stomach the moment I stand up. It's nothing new. I sigh, give myself a second to rest, and then slowly make my way to the living room. When I get there, I see Leah is just now unlocking the door. Tyler would've been here too, but he's actually in the studio. He should be back in about an hour or two. So it's just Leah and I in this big house by ourselves. Now it'll be the four of us together again after God knows how long.

"Nigga, what the fuck—when did this happen?!" Is the first thing Taleah says when she fully opens the door. I didn't get a glance yet, but from the sounds of it, she's talking to Aj.

I take a look at the door, kind of scared from Leah's reaction. When I see what she sees, I immediately see why she reacted that why. My heart drops to the pit of my stomach and of course I feel a ball form in my throat. Both from it being my son in the doorway who I haven't seen in five months, and also from it being me seeing my son in a way I was not expecting to. He fully walks through the door, visibly much taller, with growing facial hair, and grown out hair that's in neat twists as opposed to braids like his daddy.

The short sleeve shirt he has on also shows off the five or six new tattoos in addition to the one on his arm he had when he first came to visit. If he wasn't already Anthony's twin before this, he is now. I want to cry. He literally looks like a young man. That sixteen year old growth spurt hit him super hard. And because I wasn't with him everyday, this is shocking. Things change so fast. My babies are growing up.

In traditional Aj fashion, he greets us with a head nod. I would usually try to stay away from getting too close, but it's been five months. I'm willing to take my chances. I need to hug my baby.

I grab his face in my hand, and pull him down to kiss his forehead, reminding me of the times I would kiss him every morning before he went to school. I look at him, and though he's not making eye contact with me, I don't need him to. I'm really just inspecting his face. Granted, the way I'm doing it is kind of creepy, but I don't care. I can't believe what I'm seeing. I let his face go, and then finally hug him. "I missed you so much sweetheart. Oh my Gosh. I love you so much. I missed you so much," I cry. I love having an excuse for my emotions, so I blame it on the hormones. "When did you get so big?" I sniffle. "My beautiful baby, I love you so so so much. I love you so much." I say over and over. Subconsciously I think I'm making up for all the times I didn't get to tell him how much I love him. And though he is kind of just standing here awkwardly, he doesn't curse at me or push me away, so I'm gonna take what I get and be grateful.

I finally let him go after about a minute. I'm surprised when Taleah decides to hug him next. "I guess I missed you too." She admits. "Life's weird without a twin."

"Yeah." He responds. Taleah jumps back and I widen my eyes. What the heck was that?!

"Yeah, you gon have to not speak for the rest of the week...that was scary." She grimaces, and Aj laughs a little bit. Aj's voice has always been deeper than other kids his age, and I remember it being deep five months ago, but his voice dropped—so much that it is scary. "Wait say...Hey guys, I'm Aj."

Aj shakes his head, and continues to walk towards the couch.

"Come on." Leah follows him. She persists and persists until Aj finally gives in and repeats the exact phrase: 'Hey guys, I'm Aj'

"Ewww!" Taleah pushes him, "You sound so different."
Aj shakes his head, and then denies that he sounds any different. No, there's no way he doesn't hear that. Maybe he's used to it by now, but we surely aren't.

"The twists is giving...that lil stache not too bad...the tats are bomb, even though that means daddy is being extremely unfair." Leah says. Yeah, there's a lot of promises her daddy makes that he doesn't follow through with. But anyways. "You decent."

"Decent," Aj mumbles back. Aw. I can't help but to smile at the both of them. I miss when things were like this, it feels normal for once. He puts his bag down, and of course sits in a seat isolated from the main area, but Leah makes it her business to follow him and ask him questions about Virginia. I've had the privilege to at least get updates on Aj from Ant, but there's been so much tension between AJ and Leah that she has been practically oblivious for the past five months, besides her knowing the general things about how he's doing. So, I'm happy to see that she's making and effort to speak to him, and Aj is making an attempt to respond to her (at least 60% of the time).

Now I'm waiting for Anthony to come in the house. For a second, I fear that he just dropped Aj off and then left, but when I look out the window I see his car is still parked out front. Because his windows are tinted, I can't tell if he's in there or not, but I'm sure he is because he isn't in here, and there's no where else for him to be. I'm just hoping he's not planning on leaving. He can't.

I've been staring out the window for like ten minutes now and he still hasn't come out of his car. I try to ask Aj if he's okay, but that was a dumb question because how is he supposed to know? Aj tells me he doesn't know, as expected, and now I'm debating on whether or not I should go out there and check on him or wait for him to come inside. Like I said, things are weird and unstable between us now so I don't know how well he's receive me coming to check on him. The last time he stayed in a car so long was when he was smoking for like an hour straight. I really hope that's not what he's doing now.

I suddenly feel a aching pressure on my bladder, and that's signal for 'if I don't get to the bathroom right now, I'm gonna pee my pants.' So, I take a break from looking out the window, and instead I rush to the bathroom. This pregnancy has definitely made the bathroom like a second home for me. The amount of time I spend in there is crazy. I wake up vomiting, or having to use the bathroom so bad, or super sweaty from nerves, and everything I need to take care of those problems is here. It's so exhausting. I can not wait for this pregnancy to be over and for our baby to be here. Pregnancy is not fun at all. It definitely takes a toll on me in more ways than one. But, it'll all be worth it.

As I'm washing my hands, I feel like I finally hear signs of Anthony coming inside the house. What really gave it away was Leah happily greeting him. Now that he's physically in the living room, I feel my heart start to race. I'm so nervous. These nerves are nothing like the first nerves I felt when he came to visit the first time. Those were exciting nerves of anticipation. These nerves on the other hand, are more like I don't know how obvious my anger will be when I see him. I don't know if I stressed this enough, but he chose to stay away from us for five months. He missed half the pregnancy he promised he'd be around for. He literally would lie to my face time and time again, and ignore my questions until I just stopped asking about it. Even when I stopped asking, he never even tried to reassure me that he's trying his best to see me. Like, it still hasn't fully clicked in my head yet. I don't understand why. It would be nothing to come see use for another weekend wishing a five month time span.

He promised that this time would be nothing like before, and sadly, I'm not finding that to be at all true. He's no longer behind walls or bars that confine him, yet it's like he's deliberately choosing to make our relationship go through the same issues it's went through in the past. And that's why I'm so scared to face him today. I don't want to argue. But I don't see how we won't. I know how Anthony is, and I refuse to pretend everything is okay. Five months.

I splash some water on my face when I'm done washing my hands, and leave the bathroom. I stand in the hall for a second, quietly listening to Leah speak to her daddy enthusiastically. I try to take at least two steps forward every passing minute. I hear Leah mention something about me, and then a couple seconds later I hear footsteps approaching my direction. I hold my breath for a second, and then I decide to walk backwards as fast, and quietly as I can. I really can't face him. I can't do this. I turn around, and try to quickly decide where I'm going to hide. I know, it's so stupid. But I'm not really thinking logically right now. All I know is that I'm trying to delay us being face to face.

I decide to go into one of the random, smaller rooms at the very back of the house. Its a room with no closet, a two seater couch, and mirrors for walls. It's so random that sometimes it's not noticeable, and I hope today is the day Anthony doesn't notice it as well. I sit on the couch, silently waiting for him to give up looking for me. Again, I'm not thinking logically at all.

I hold my breath, thinking that's gonna make me anymore unnoticeable. Now, I don't know how long I'd plan on staying in here if for whatever reason Ant did stop looking for me, all I know is I'd have enough time to muster up some confidence before I talk to him, and that's worth it to me.

But for the third time, I'm not thinking logically. Though I'm not surprised I was found, I jump in my seat when the door is pushed open, and Ant is standing right in front of me. I'm trying to quickly come up with a lie to make it seem like I didn't know he was here, but I literally can't think of anything. I'm not a good liar. All I can do is avoid his stare, and stay quiet, hoping that he'll say something to distract the true emotions I feel.

There's a silence for about a minute. "You running from me now." He finally says.

I nervously rub my lips together, still not looking at him and keep my gaze towards the floor. I guess I'm still trying to run away from the inevitable, unless I want Anthony to pack up and leave as soon as he came. I can't ignore him for much longer, because I know his patience can't take that. But, I can't blame myself. I've been patient with him up until this point.

I've honestly been expecting Anthony to follow up with something else, whether it be him demanding me to look at him, or to say something, or even approach me. But after he closed the door behind him, all he's been doing is staring at me in silence. I haven't looked at him directly, but I can feel his eyes on me. For over five minutes now. And the more I sit here, the more awkward it becomes.

Finally, after however long, I pick my eyes up from the floor. I can't do this for any longer, and pretend like he's not standing right in front of me. Regardless of how I react, and regardless of what emotions take over me when I do look at him, this can't go on for another minute. I finally look him in his eyes. His low, red eyes. I know Anthony's physical like the back of my hand. So, I immediately take note of a new scar directly under his eye, and then another on his cheek, both he managed to hide whenever we would FaceTime since this is my first time seeing it.

Once I made the eye contact with him, he began walking closer to me, without taking his eyes away from mine. I almost think he's about to sit on the couch with me, but I'm told to stand up, so I do. "Kiss me." He says. After five months, it sounds tempting. I want nothing more than to kiss him. And though I'm mad, I do it. I kiss him with no reluctance, or resistance. It feels good, but I know I'll only feel like this for a moment. So, I enjoy it while it's lasting. Our tongues slowly intertwining. His