Persephone

Asa and I haven't spoken since the after party almost a week ago. 

Even after the whole performance at the club he didn't contact me, remaining stubborn as ever. I think he forgot that's supposed to be my job. 

It is Thursday and we have class together. Well that is if he shows up. 

He didn't show up to Tuesdays class and I even sucked up my pride and texted him. 

Asa never replied. 

I feel like we have done this dance before. After the club incident he had acted weird. 

I thought we had moved passed it, grown from it, but clearly not.

If he is worried that kiss caused me to fall for him he'd be wrong. 

I fell for him way before that kiss. 

Seriously if he thinks a kiss would change my feelings  - whether I liked him or not - then Peyton is right. 

Men are stupid. 

I mean this isn't some weird Disney movie where one kiss makes you fall madly in love with someone. 

If that were the case this world would be scarily different. 

Imagine a kiss determining your feelings for someone. I mean yeah it's a good thing if they are an amazing kisser but I like Asa for way more than that. 

His dimples obviously play a huge part in it. 

Just kidding but they help, a lot. 

I love that he reads. That I read too and I can steal his books whenever I want and he won't stop me. That when I want to have a conversation about a book he can hold said conversation. 

Oh and the way he fidgets with his chain whenever he is trying to figure something out for our project. 

He makes a killer strawberry milkshake, just enough sweet that it doesn't taste like I am swallowing a spoon full of strawberry syrup. 

Oh and like a million other things, like how I never feel nervous around him. Like I might say or do the wrong thing. 

Ugh why does he have to be such a little bitch and ignore me I miss him. And just like last time it sucks because it isn't something I can actually fix. 

I sit up straighter in my seat when I see him walk into the lecture hall. 

He doesn't meet my gaze as he sits beside me. 

"Hey." I say and he just nods at me. I roll my eyes, here we go again. 

"So when do you think we should work on the project. With my schedule at the school I want to make sure we make time to work on it." I begin to ramble, "I know with the season and practice you are busy too but I am free tonight if you want to work on it."

He shrugs and I take that as a yes. Why is he so infuriating? 

* * * 

That night when I am sitting on his bed I decide to clear the air. This whole thing is so dramatic, it was just one kiss. 

"What is up your butt?" I ask him. 

His quirks an eyebrow, "What?"

"The kiss that made you run like I was about to insist we get married." I say and he rolls his eyes, "I didn't run."

"I beg to differ." 

I definitely saw him put some pep in his step. 

"I didn't run it just surprised me that's all." He weakly defends. 

I raise an eyebrow, "Surprised you? Were you expecting me to be a terrible kisser, I'll have you know that if it was a thing I would've been voted best kisser in high school."

Asa snorts, "That's what a terrible kisser would say."

"So I'm a terrible kisser?" I ask and he shakes his head, "I never said that."

I point at him, "See I'm a good kisser. Thanks for the ego boost."

"You exhaust me Percy."

Hearing that nickname on his lips feels like a weight lifted off of my chest. Almost like I am peeling away at the walls around him, forcing him to let his guard down for me just a little baby bit.

Grabbing the rubber band off of my wrist I quickly put my hair into a ponytail. 

A piece slips out and it's deja vu the way Asa leans in to tuck the piece behind my ear. I wait a bated breath to see what he'll do.

His eyes lock with mine and just like before he pulls away before our lips touch. 

"Seph we can't."

I sigh, not missing the sting of rejection and disappointment. I know I'm setting myself up for it at this point but have you ever liked a guy so much that you keep allowing yourself to be put in situations just hoping things will be different? 

"Why not?" I ask. It's slips out before I can stop myself and I just want the ground to swallow me whole. 

He runs a hand through his brown hair, "Because it would never work."

Maybe being a single cat woman for the rest of my life won't be that bad.

"How do you know that?" I ask seriously. I think we could be pretty amazing. 

"I just do, trust me you're better off with literally anyone else." This self sabotage bullshit needs to stop. 

I crack my knuckles, a nervous habit I have. 

"What if I don't want anyone else?" I put it all out there. I let my guard completely down hoping he'll give me a glimpse behind his walls in return. 

Just give me something to hold onto Asa, anything. 

His eyes meet mine once again and I can feel what's about to come from his perfect lips. 

"I can't, I'm sorry."

Standing from his bed I try to push down the lump in my throat.

I should've known better but sometimes my heart speaks for me before my brain has a chance to stop it. 

I nod, "I understand." I don't. 

Why can't we just try? What is so wrong with me that he doesn't even want to try?

"We're still friends right?" He asks and if that doesn't feel like a punch to the stomach I don't know what does. 

I nod again, "Yeah." I say but the crack in my voice betrays me. 

He runs hand down his face, "This is what I was trying to avoid."

"What do you mean?"

"You deserve so much better than me Percy don't waste a single tear on a fuck up like me." He says and I hate the way he talks about himself. 

"You're not fucked up." I tell him and I mean it. 

He stands, "You don't understand, I am, I am a terrible person."

"Oh please enlighten me then because nothing I have seen you do or heard you say makes that statement true." I defend him because it's clear he won't defend himself. 

He scoffs, "What about me leaving my mom to be beaten up by my step father? What about driving my own father away when he offered to help?" He asks, his voice rising. 

"What do you mean drove your father away?" I ask confused. 

He hasn't talked to me about his dad yet. 

"My dad was in the NFL, when my mom got pregnant with me he chose the sport over her." He swallows, "Over me."

"Oh, Asa." I whisper but he shakes his head, making me close my mouth. 

"That's why I started to play, to feel some kind of connection with him. One of the times my mom had gotten hurt so badly and she was in the hospital he actually showed up. He had somehow heard what happened and wanted to check on her but I made him leave-" He chokes on the words. 

"I made him leave because I thought I was protecting her from him. If she saw him again lord knows what she would have done. He had offered for us to come with him but I refused, he had never been a dad and I didn't want him to start acting like one all of a sudden so I told him she was married and we were all happy. A perfect family, the joke of the fucking century."

I can see how much it's eating away at him. 

"How old were you?"

"Eleven."

I nod, "You were eleven and mad that your dad chose his career over you it makes sense that you guarded your heart from him. You thought you were keeping both you and your mom safe."

He laughs dryly, "Good it did me. I had to endure seven years of my step dad beating my mom. Wondering what would've happened if I had taken Jessie's offer. Could I have saved her from all that? But instead I was selfish and it costed her everything."

Rounding the bed I pull him into a hug. 

"It wasn't your fault." I tell him. 

I get why he blames himself but it was never his fault. The parental figures in his life disappointed him, all three of them. His father abandoned him, his mom stayed with his stepfather and he was abusive. 

They all failed him. 

_____

Edited

A/N Ok besties I just read this series on KU and it was so good. It's by Kelsey Clayton and the series is called Haven Grace Prep and the spin off is North Haven University. Honestly I cried during Jace's story(Change my game)

Anyways that's why I've been so inactive. I have been reading and getting everything ready for my trip which was delayed till next week. 

That also reminds me that there won't be any new chapters next week because I will be out of state but I will try and upload another chapter this week!