Dream

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I tossed and turned for what felt like hours, the thoughts clamoring inside of my brain making too much noise for me to fall asleep.

When I finally succumbed to exhaustion, it wasn't the deep, blank sleep I had hoped it would be, where I saw and felt nothing for a few hours.

As soon as my eyes had fluttered closed, I found myself stepping into the middle of a vivid, life-like dream.

I was standing in the middle of the Underground, the dirty, rocky ground uneven beneath my boots. I glanced around in the dim, smoky light and saw two young children, maybe five or six, sitting beside one of the crumbling houses. I walked closer, and as I approached, I could see they were filthy, their clothes torn and old, their faces almost black with dirt and smoke.

I knew it was a dream. I knew they couldn't see or hear me, but I still felt the need to approach them silently, so as not to disturb the deep conversation they seemed to be having with one another. When I reached them, I recognized the scene before me. This wasn't just a dream, it was a memory.

The child version of myself crouched against the wall of the house, Levi sitting in front of her on the dusty ground. I came into their conversation just at the moment that I remembered so very well from my memories.

"Oi, (F/N). Have you ever thought about what it would be like to kiss someone?" Levi asked me, fiddling idly with a stick between his fingers as he raised an eyebrow at me, waiting for my response.

I giggled. "Why would I do that, dummy? I don't even like boys yet."

He studied me for a moment and then lifted a thin shoulder in a slight shrug. "Just curious." He drew with the stick in the dirt at his feet for a moment before saying offhandedly, "I've watched my dad kiss my mom. They don't do it anymore, but they used to. And I just wondered what it was like." He dropped the stick to the ground and met my gaze again, his serious suddenly. "(F/N). Can I kiss you?"

I watched myself shrink back at the sound of his words, a slight fear coming across my childish face before I asked in a tentative voice, "Why?"

He shot me a grin. "Because I want to see what it's like. And you're the only girl around here that's acceptable and that I can put up with."

I remained silent, pressed back against the rough cement of the wall behind me, as the grin dropped from his face and he leaned closer to me, his lips slightly pursed, his eyes closed.

"Levi." I said in a quavering voice, stopping his advance. He opened his dark eyes and studied me closely. I bit my lip. "Will it hurt?"

A look of surprise flashed across his face. "I don't think so. It doesn't look like it hurts." He watched me for a minute, the look of uncertainty and fear on my face, and then said teasingly,
"Tch. Come on, (F/N). Why would it hurt?"

I dropped my eyes from his and scuffed my foot in the dirt at my feet. "I just....when my dad...."

I didn't dare look up at him again. I knew he understood what I was asking.

Suddenly, I felt his thin arms go around me and he hugged me, whispering in my ear. 'I'm sorry, (F/N). I was just teasing you. We don't have to do anything you don't want." He pulled back from me and wiped away my tears with his dirtied hands before saying, "Kissing is a thing that old people do anyway." He gave me a half smile. "Come on, let's go and play."

I stood against the wall for awhile, even after Levi had dragged my childhood self off to play elsewhere, frozen in place.

When I finally looked up from the ground at my feet again, I was in another time, in another place, but I knew that this wasn't just a dream either. It was another memory.

I was still leaning against the wall, but this time, the crumbling wall behind me belonged to Levi's childhood home, and it was obviously night, as the air around me was colder and darker than before.

Levi and my past self were there again, leaning against the wall beside me, but this time, we were older, teenagers, around fifteen or sixteen.

"Oi, (F/N)." Levi spoke into the darkness, his voice quiet and flat.

I glanced over at him, only seeing his dark outline in the blackness, and asked, "What?"

"Tch." He kicked my ankle through the darkness. "Don't use that tone with me. Lose the attitude or I'll break your arms."

I scoffed. "Like you could. You're like a foot shorter than I am. I'd like to see you try, dummy."

"Shut up, idiot." He whirled and pinned me against the wall with his body, his hands on either side of my shoulders. He glanced up at me through his long dark hair. "I'm still stronger than you, (F/N). Height won't make up for that."

I felt butterflies in my stomach. Why did he suddenly make me feel this way? We'd grown up together all our lives. So why did having him this close make me feel like I couldn't breathe properly?

"Oi, (F/N)." He said my name and I snapped my gaze back to his. He was still in front of me, so close that if I leaned forward just a bit, our foreheads would be touching. I wondered what his cool, pale skin would feel like pressed against my own. He raised an eyebrow at me. "If I kiss you, are you going to freak out on me?"

I felt my stomach drop at his words and he leaned closer to me still.. I wanted nothing more than for him to kiss me, to feel his lips against mine in the dark, but I couldn't. I couldn't do it.

He must have seen the fear that flashed across my face at his words, because he pulled back, dropping his hands from the wall behind me. He ran a soiled hand through his hair and gave me a half smile. "Tch. I wouldn't want to kiss you anyway, dummy. You're practically a boy, what, with your flat chest and stick straight body."

"Hey!" I shoved him away from me as he laughed, acting like I was offended at what he had said, but in truth, I was grateful he had played off the moment as a joke for me. He really did always have my back, even if it wasn't ideal for him.

I stood still against the wall, watching the two teenagers shove each other for a few minutes playfully and then disappear into the dark smoggy air of the Underground.

I let out the breath I hadn't realized I had been holding and leaned my head back against the crumbling wall behind me. I closed my eyes briefly, exhausted. I needed to wake up. These memories were awakening things within me that I had forcefully buried for ten years.

"Oi, (F/N)."

I started, my eyes flying open at the voice that was so familiar to me.

Levi stood in front of me, the Levi that I knew now, the Corporal Levi. He raised an eyebrow at me, his hands in the pockets of his uniform, and said flatly, "Why are you standing here, alone, like an idiot?"

"I....." I glanced to my left and right. I was still in the Underground, leaning against Levi's house, my surroundings hadn't changed. But this couldn't be, we'd never been back as adults. This was definitely a dream now. I met his gaze again as he watched me try to figure everything out, a slightly annoyed look on his face. "I was just...."

He took a step toward me, dropping his hands from his pockets as he did so. He was close to me again, just like he had been in the memory from before. I felt my breath catch in my throat. He scanned my face with his dark, expressionless eyes, and then said in a low voice, "Tch. Shut up, dummy." He lifted a hand and grasped my chin gently in his long, clean fingers, forcing me to look at him. His breath was cool on my face as he drew nearer to me and said in a commanding tone, "I'm going to kiss you now, (F/N). And you're going to let me."

I couldn't fight him. Wasn't this what I had always wanted? I closed my eyes as he drew even closer to me, his lips almost touching mine. My heart was beating so loudly in my chest that I knew he must be able to hear it.

Suddenly, the fingers on my chin grew rough and pinching, so unlike Levi's delicate hold from before, and I opened my eyes in surprise.

Levi no longer stood in front of me. Instead, my father was there, pressing me back against the rough stone with his body, sneering at me as his eyes leered up and down my body. He tightened his grasp on my chin and I gasped at the pain as he reached a hand back and grabbed my hair, jerking my head back to make me stare him straight in the eyes.

He chuckled darkly at the fear in my eyes and I could smell the strong stench of alcohol on his breath as he leaned toward me, his eyes bright with spirits and evil intentions. "You're going to let me do whatever I want with you, you little witch. And you're not going to make a sound."

His hand dropped to the collar of my blouse, his fingers fumbling with the buttons. I tried to scream but no sound left my lips. I felt like I was drowning. There was no air, I couldn't catch my breath, his fingers scratched across my neck.....

I woke with a start, shooting upward in the bed, the blanket tangled around me from my tossing and turning. I held the fabric to my chest for a moment, clenched tightly between my fingers, as I took deep, frantic breaths and tried to calm the panicked beating of my heart in my chest.

A drop of sweat trickled from my forehead and down my cheek, mingling with the tears that had begun to creep from the corners of my eyes. I bit my lip hard between my teeth to keep myself from crying out, and tasted the metallic flavor of blood in my mouth.

Burying my face in the blankets, my back heaved with silent sobs as I tried to stifle the screams of anguish falling from my lips.

Not many understood, but there were far more evil, terrible things in this world than the titans. I could look a titan in the eye and not feel a shred of fear or terror, not because they weren't frightening, but because I'd already experienced those things before I came aboveground that were far worse than any titan could ever be.

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