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Song for chapter two: Too Sad to Cry by Sasha Sloan

|Skyler|

That wasn't the last time I saw the dark haired boy.

Every single day since I moved to New York I met up with Aunt Claire at the law firm she worked at for lunch. After, I took it upon myself after to visit the sights of New York — for myself and also because I knew my mom would've loved to see them. I visited the Statue of Liberty and Central Park for my mom, because she could never see them herself.

I was getting used to the way the Subway worked, and the fact that no one apologized for bumping into another by accident —except for the occasional person—or how no one opened the door for another on the way in to a store or restaurant.

I didn't want to say that I was acting like a stereotypical Canadian, but it sure felt like it.

All of this served as a constant reminder that I was no longer back home anymore. I wished I could say things were getting better, but every single day I woke up, disappointed and it all came pummelling down on me again that I was in my new room at Aunt Claire's apartment, rather than back home. Every night I'd hope to wake up in my old bed and realize that it was all a dream, but every morning I'd get slapped in the face by reality.

The one thing I could get used to however, was the fact that I saw the same dark haired boy every single day. I always took the subway at the same time — about twelve o'clock every day — and boarded it at the same stop. Hypothetically I got into the same car too since I waited at the same platform.

For a whole month, he was always there, scrutinizing me some days with his dark brown eyes, other days he smiled. But not once had he ever said a word to me.

I hopped onto the same subway line on the way to Aunt Claire's law firm, like I always did, except this time the car was filled to the brim with people, more so than usual. I realized immediately how stuffy the car felt, and the slightly putrid smell of sweat drifted up my nose. To add to that, it was irritating how there wasn't enough room for me to get ahold of a rail. It felt oddly empty that I had to stand holding onto nothing.

I huffed in exasperation, spreading apart my legs just slightly to increase my centre of gravity so I didn't fall smack on my face when the subway started. But who was I kidding, even if I fell, I'd fall on someone else considering how packed this car was today.

To my disappointment, from all the people that were in the car with me, I couldn't spot the dark haired boy. My stomach dropped at the fact that today would be the first day I'd have gone without seeing him on the way to meet my aunt.

Everything was smooth, but just as I was about to praise myself for not falling over, the subway slowed to a stop to allow for others to hop on at a different station.

A woman in front of me must've lost her balance from the momentum of the stop because  she toppled towards me. I took a step back to avoid collision, only to step right onto another's foot behind me. I began to teeter forward, losing my balance when the subway started up again before I could recover. I let out a small squeal as my body began to tip forward.

But before my face met the floor of the train, a firm hand from behind grabbed ahold of my arm, pulling me back up to my feet swiftly. My arm tingled where it made contact with whoever it was. I glanced down, instantly feeling a pang of guilt when I realized that my shoe had imprinted onto the white sneakers I'd stepped on.

"Thank you, I feel like an idiot," I said as I looked up to face whoever it was. My eyes widened when it finally hit me that it was the dark haired boy. "I'm so sorry," I looked down at his white shoe, that was now more brown than white, all thanks to me.

"It's alright," he shrugged it off, a light smile on his lips, his voice deep and husky.

I looked up at him and now that I was up close, I could tell his eyes weren't as dark as I'd always believed they were. They were brown, with specks of green all around, and there was a splatter of freckles spread across the bridge of his tall nose. I gulped, feeling butterflies swarm in my stomach for being in such close proximity to him.

"Are you okay?" he asked, snapping me out of my daze.

"Yeah, I'm fine," I said quickly, adverting my eyes away from his face as I felt my cheeks warm up.

The subway pulled to a stop again, and this time — thank God— I was able to keep my balance. The dark haired boy gave me one last glance and nodded before walking out of the car, and disappearing through the crowd.

I let out a breath I didn't know I'd been holding, mentally scolding myself for being stupid enough to fall over. I was an actual idiot.

Leave it to you to embarrass yourself. Egghead.

The embarrassment didn't fade away throughout lunch with Aunt Claire and not even when I finally made it back to the apartment, scolding myself as I walked through the streets.

I shut the door behind me and headed to my room as I dialed my best friend Sasha's number, not paying one bit of attention to where I was walking. It was a good thing Aunt Claire paid for the long distance package for my phone, so I could keep in touch with the one person I still wanted to.

Sasha picked up on the second ring, "Hey, how's life over there at the big apple?"

"There's too much people," I put it simply as I collapsed back onto my bed, the springs creaking under my weight. "I almost got crushed by someone today on the subway," I groaned, the memory of almost falling flat on my face in front of the dark haired boy played back in my mind.

Sasha only laughed, but then it faded into a sigh, "I miss you, school is going to be stupid without you."

"My first day is tomorrow, and I won't have you there," I frowned.

You won't even have mom there. A small voice added in the back of my head. I had only realized then that I'd zoned out as Sasha went on ranting about how the weather was already too cold to wear a dress on the first day back.

"Hello? Skyler, are you there?" she asked me. I blinked, snapping myself out of my trance, but I no longer felt like talking anymore. The empty hole in my stomach returned.

"Yeah, sorry. I have to go, I'll call you back soon," I said.

"Oh. Okay," I heard Sasha say distantly as I hung up. As I set my phone down onto my bed, it rang again. I grunted in annoyance, picking it back up to see that it was just an alarm.

"Smile!" it said.

As if there was anything to smile about. I rolled my eyes as I threw my phone back down onto my bed and propped myself up with an elbow, opening the drawer in my nightstand and rummaging through the contents of it.

I picked up a small bottle of my anti depressants, labelled Zoloft. I rolled my eyes, shoving them back into my drawer, way in the back. I didn't want any of that in my system, not that it would help me anyways. No amount of pills could stop my thoughts. They would be courtesy to Aunt Claire and the therapist she forced me to see a couple weeks back. I never went again. It seemed futile to me to just sit there and answer questions about how I felt.

I didn't know how to explain what it felt like to lose my mother. I didn't know how to explain that I was all alone now, and I didn't know how to explain the gaping whole in my heart that wouldn't go away — like a huge part of me had been violently ripped out.

Though I did try to explain it, and that landed me with these stupid pills.

I'd pretty much ditched my guitar back home too, I couldn't bear to bring it over to New York, especially since it was my mom who'd made me learn in the first place.

After stuffing a few pencils and a notebooks into a new Herschel backpack Aunt Claire got for me for school, I darted across the hall into the bathroom with a fresh pair of pyjamas and a towel to draw myself a bath. I fixed my hair into a bun as the water filled the tub.

I sunk down into the water, letting the aroma from the lush bath bomb waft up my nose. My nerves calm down significantly. I would need this bath if I wanted to get through tomorrow alone. My first day of school at a new school no less.

I shut my eyes, attempting to block out all thoughts from my mind, but my attempts were futile. Random thoughts flitted through my mind, until they finally landed on my mom again. And the sight of her in her casket, laying on the ground with the white cloth shielding the lower half of her mutilated body. Her pale cracked lips and her hair, matted with blood.

Gasping from the memory, I shot straight up in the bath, panting.

Breathe. You do not need to faint in the tub, or start hyperventilating. I breathed deeply through my nose and out my mouth, listening to the rational part of my brain.

The breaths may have calmed my body, but not my mind.

I was about to go into my junior year, without my mom. She had been there every single day, since my first day of kindergarten. And now she wouldn't be. Though I knew it wasn't true, it felt like I had nobody left. No dad, no mom and no siblings either. I wasn't surprised to feel a tear roll down my cheek, and once it started, I couldn't stop.

My sobs echoed throughout the bathroom and for once, my grief pouring out in the form of uncontrollable tears. And I let them knowing that no one else was in the apartment with me. It went on until my body ached from the shaking and tremors. I knew that it wouldn't bring my mom back, and whether or not I wanted to, I'd be going on with my life without her.

That thought seemed completely and utterly unfair. Here I was, living a new luxurious life in New York, without her. Was it wrong to feel like I shouldn't be enjoying it?

I glanced at the clock through my blurred vision, realizing that it was about time that Aunt Claire would be getting back. I forced myself to get up from the tub, wrapping a towel around my body. I bent over the tub, tugging on the stopper to unplug the drain. The water slipped into the drain, like a tornado, but with occasional squelching noises that sounded from it.

My knees buckled again and I leaned against the tub as another round of tears spilled from my eyes. I didn't care this time if Aunt Claire would walk in on me. There was only so much a person could care at some point. This would be my only moment of weakness. With every sob, my heart clenched uncomfortably, the gaping hole within it growing large and larger.

My breath hitched as I bolted across the bathroom to the toilet, just in time before the contents I had in my stomach spilled from my mouth. My stomach and throat burned with a disgusting aftertaste, but I was too exhausted to move. I heaved, breathing heavily as I leaned against the toilet seat.

I jumped in shock when I felt an arm wrap around my back. My body involuntarily stiffened.

"Honey, I'm so sorry," Aunt Claire said. Her glassy eyes sympathized with me, eyebrows furrowed in concern. She looked at me like a broken vase, and I hated it. My eyes burned from another round of unshed tears from her empathy and soft tone.

I shook my head, sitting up from the floor. "I'm fine. I just need to sleep," I told her. She studied me skeptically, a furrowed eyebrow shooting upwards, but didn't say anything else —  which I was thankful for. I grabbed my pyjamas from the hooks in the bathroom and quickly made my way back to my room.

Aunt Claire didn't say anything. Maybe she didn't want to overstep her boundaries, maybe she didn't want to make me angry, whatever the reason was, I was grateful she was leaving me be. I was embarrassed enough that I'd broken down in front of her. No one needed to see me like that, ever. I needed to be strong, like how my mom needed me to be.

I slipped on my pyjamas, ignoring my damp hair that stuck to my back and neck as I settled into my bed. But to my dismay, sleep didn't come just like any other night, once again, leaving me to my thoughts.

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Hey guys, I hope you liked this chapter! The action is starting next part so stay tuned! And please do vote, comment and share if you liked this, I would really appreciate it!

~SweetnessInTheSalt

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