Song for chapter twenty four: Ghost of You by 5SOS

|Skyler|

"You're still awake Aunt Claire, what a surprise," I chuckled nervously at her flat expression. It was clear that she had gotten ready for bed, dressed in her lilac bathrobe and her hair was tied up in a loose bun.

"Where have you been?" she asked me, arms still crossed over her chest.

"I was out with a friend," I gave her a vague explanation. I wasn't sure how she would react to Aden. "You're not at work?"

"Not tonight. We have to talk," she responded, her lips pressed to a thin line. I nodded, sighing in defeat as I leaned against the kitchen table. I was suddenly glad that I had drank that coffee. I would need it to get through this. "I know you don't like going to visit Doctor Miranda. So, I just thought, we could always try another therapist."

If I had it my way, I wouldn't even want to go to a therapist at all.

My brain went back to what Aden had said to me, I'd tried to give Doctor Miranda a chance, but I also knew that I didn't really try that hard. Bolting off during our sessions wasn't the definition of trying.

"No, there's nothing wrong with her," I told Aunt Claire. I frowned as I tried to hold back a sigh. "I am trying my best, and... I'll give her another chance, a fair chance."

I hesitantly peered up at Aunt Claire to see a relieved expression on her slightly wrinkled face. I felt a stab of guilt that I had been the reason why she was so stressed out. She approached me with a weary expression and wrapped her arms around me in a tight hug.

"I know you're trying your best," she whispered and I sighed contently. The last woman to hug me like that was my mother, but for once I didn't feel sad or empty that I could never feel her hugs again. I just felt nostalgic.

Aunt Claire let go of me, grinning from ear to ear, "Get some sleep, it's late."

I nodded as she walked off, shutting the door behind her when she entered her room. I did as she told me to, following her as I headed to my own room, switching on the light.

My gaze landed on the discarded pill bottle and newspaper clipping that was still scattered on the floor by the far wall of my bedroom.

Sighing, I ambled over towards it and began picking up the pills and placing them back in the bottle. Each one landed inside with a small thud. I still didn't want to take them, not because I was being stubborn, but because I felt fine without it. I picked up the newspaper clipping, eyeing the small blurb about my mother's accident.

My mouth curled into a slight frown, shoving both that and the pill bottle into my bedside drawer. For the first time in a while, I didn't feel the familiar emptiness in my stomach nor the tears that usually came if I was lucky. This time, as I remembered what Aden had told me a few hours before in my room. I felt lighter and free, as if a huge weight had been taken off my chest. Maybe I am as brave as he thinks I am. Even if I wasn't, I really wanted to try to be. 

My lips twitched up in a small smile and I laid down on my bed — even though I was still fully dressed. Priceless memories of my mother flowed through my mind: the way she would've scolded me for sleeping fully dressed, or how she was weirdly obsessed with the smell of lavender from our laundry detergent to our hand lotion. With those thoughts, I drifted off to sleep peacefully for the first time in days.

___________________

That was how I ended up in Doctor Miranda's office again on Wednesday afternoon. I'd been dreading it throughout the whole week, I'd even considered making a run for it as I stepped into the building but decided against it.

I couldn't deny that I needed this. I had to get better and giving Doctor Miranda a chance might actually help me, as Aden had said. It was crystal clear by now that I couldn't help myself as well as I believed I could. I plopped down on the couch again, near Doctor Miranda and placed my hands in my lap.

"It's good to see you again Skyler," Doctor Miranda smiled as she greeted, a notepad and pen on her lap. Her glasses fell down the bridge of her nose and she pushed them back up with a clumsy finger.

I chuckled nervously, "Yeah, it's a miracle."

"How have you been this week?" she asked, tucking her pen away into her lap as she met my eyes. I knew she was avoiding the real topics she wanted to discuss with me for the fear that I would run off again. Not that I could blame her. Even Aunt Claire came today; she'd perched herself on a chair out in the waiting area, waiting for me to pounce like a tiger at any moment.

"Fine, I just had school and stuff like that," I explained vaguely, not that I would ever explain to her how annoying it was to have three tests back to back. "We can get started, I'm fine with that," I told her.

Doctor Miranda scrutinized me for a few moments before nodding, "Alright, do you feel up to talking about your mom's death?"

I shrugged, my converse sneakers suddenly a lot more interesting then they had been before. It's okay, you can be brave.

"I could try again," I said after a long moment, looking back up at her. Doctor Miranda nodded and sat back in her office chair.

This is really uncomfortable but okay.

I swallowed hard in attempt to dissolve the lump that had begun to form in my throat. I could do this, I could totally do this without running off again. I took a deep breath, which sounded more like a heavy sigh and began retelling the very moment I'd wished to forget for months.

Whenever I felt as though I wanted to bolt out of the office and out of the building, my thoughts drifted back to Aden momentarily. I would be brave like he believed I was, and I could continue.

Finally, I'd finished the story without dashing off, stray tears had slid down my cheeks to the corners of my mouth as I sniffled.

I looked up at Doctor Miranda, not even surprised to see her expression — seemingly stoic, but I could tell she was surprised I'd actually managed to get through the story.

Trust me boo, I am too.

She scribbled some things on her notepad before meeting my gaze again, "And what do you regret most in that moment?"

My eyebrow cocked up, "Regret?"

"What do you wish you could've done," she elaborated, clicking open her pen. Her reading glasses had drooped down the bridge of her nose again.

There was an obvious answer to that. "Well, I should've done something faster. I saw the truck coming, I should've screamed louder, or ran out there. I don't know, something. But I didn't, and now she's gone," I finished quietly, adverting my gaze to the floor beneath my beaten up sneakers.

"So you blame yourself for it?" Doctor Miranda asked slowly.

I shook my head after much thought. "No, I know it's not my fault. I just wish that I could've done something more, and maybe she'd be alive today," my voice cracked and I struggled to talk with the large boulder in my throat.

"But do you understand that the truck had been going too fast for your mother to react, even if you had attempted to do something more?" she persisted and I stayed quiet, eyebrows furrowing at the floor, "you couldn't have done anything."

My vision blurred, distorted by tears that had clouded in my eyes. The exact words Aden had also said to be flooded into my brain. I couldn't have done anything. I couldn't have saved her.

"I know.... I... I couldn't have," I finally choked out after a few moments. The tears streamed down my face now and I let them. There was truly nothing I could have done to help my mom.

Another thought ate away at me: the fact that I would be enjoying life without my mom. Enjoying the life she could've enjoyed with me. I kept silent, for some odd reason, I wasn't able to admit it to Doctor Miranda.

She told me that for the next week, my goal would be to talk about my mom more. Doctor Miranda believed that it would help me, and I was still determined to try and give her a chance. She did however mention that my Zoloft pills could be optional.

I left Doctor Miranda's office feeling lighter and free, like I had the night before, even though the tears still ran down my face as I held in my sobs all the way home in Aunt Claire's car. For the first time I didn't bother to hide them from her and for the first time, I didn't bolt out of the office mid session.

There was strength in showing one's weakness.

I was probably still a long way from truly getting over my mom's death, maybe I never would. But I was definitely a step closer.

I sent a text to Aden to meet me at my place on the way back as Aunt Claire would have to leave soon after she dropped me off to get back to work. I didn't want to be left alone with my toxic thoughts, even if I was sure I'd be fine. I would prefer some company.

The soft noise of the radio accompanied the two of us on the way back, neither of us saying a word. Though, we were content with the silence as well.

I busied myself in my room as I waited for Aden while Aunt Claire was scrambling in the kitchen preparing her last minute dinner for work. I pulled out a photo album from the back of my closet— one of the only ones I'd taken with me to New York — consisting of the pictures we took of my mom and I about three years back. It was the only year we'd really let ourselves go and we took a road trip around Western Canada for a change of scenery.

I still got shivers from all the random motels we'd stayed in, but I smiled when I flipped through the pictures of my mom and I at National Parks and the ones we took on long hikes in the mountains. My hair had become a knotted mess on every single hike, but my mom's naturally straight blonde hair still flowed down her back angelically.

I had to get into business school, for her, for my dad and for myself.

A water droplet fell on one of the pictures — one where my mom and I had snapped a photo of us at the top of a mountain that we'd hiked onto— snapping me out of the daze I had been in. I swiped my face with my hands, sniffling as I realized that the droplet had come from my eye.

I pushed the album aside and crawled into bed, letting the tears fall as they pleased, soaking my pillowcase. There was no point in stopping them at all. At least I wasn't staring at the ceiling in a numb blur like I had been for a long while now. And even though it hurt to remember my mom, it felt liberating at the same time.

A soft knock on my bedroom door sounded and I jumped in surprise, sitting up on my bed as I wiped my wet cheeks with my hands.

"Come in," my voice cracked as I shouted over the door.

The door opened and I was shocked to see Aden on the other side. My heart fluttered slightly at the sight of his dishevelled hair, contrasting how perfect it looked when it was combed back. His cheeks had a pinkish tint to them, letting me realize that he'd just gotten here from soccer practice.

"Your Aunt let me in on her way out," his smile immediately dissolved when he took in my appearance — red eyed with mascara running down them and puffy cheeks. Without missing a beat, he rushed over to my bed where I was, and I shuffled over to give him space as he sat down.

"I saw Doctor Miranda today," I explained, almost cringing at how hoarse my voice sounded. "And I told her how it happened." Tears welled up in my eyes again as I felt Aden's arms wrap around me and I let out a choked sob into his chest.

For the rest of the night we stayed like that. He held me in his arms as I told him everything about my mom that came to mind at the moment. Her long bucket list that consisted of a bunch of trips to Europe, how she'd always wanted a Doberman, and how whenever she missed my dad she'd sleep on his side of the bed.

He listened and laughed with me, or he held me and calmed me down when I began crying uncontrollably again, until I grew so exhausted that my eyes began to droop. It was clear I had no tears left to cry by then, and just like when I'd left therapy, it felt as though a huge weight was lifted off my chest. My whole body was lighter — euphoric even — despite the fact that I felt drained.

Most of the time, people didn't need advice or comfort, they just needed another to talk to, to let everything out. I just didn't know that until now. All the emotions I'd bottled up for two whole months was finally free. Aden was that comfort for me, that heart that would listen to me during the toughest times. He might never understand, not for a long while and that was fine.

I wasn't weak for crying or expressing those feelings I'd left closed off for so long.

It was almost eight in the evening when I sat up from my bed, rubbing my eyes in attempt to wake myself up.

"I'm proud of you for being able to talk about her, with me and Doctor Miranda," Aden told me. I stared at my hand, where Aden's fingers lightly trailed over my knuckles. I only gave him a sad smile in return as I felt the familiar tingles shooting up my arm from his touch. "You know what will definitely get your mind off of of this?"

"What?" I asked, sitting up straighter.

"The stupid hiking trip that we have for gym class," he held in a guffaw at my annoyed expression, my nose wrinkling at the thought of spending three days in the wilderness with our rowdy class. I'd completely forgotten about that with everything that was going on.

We had an outdoor module in gym class, one that consisted of a trip to a National Park where we could hike and 'take in nature's sights.' Mr. Woods hadn't mentioned it since the beginning of the semester, but it seemed like everyone else remembered we had that trip, except for me.

"I haven't even packed yet," I frowned, glancing at the mess in my closet that I had to dig through to find the correct hiking gear I had stashed somewhere in there. My clothes were stacked one over another that I hadn't bothered to hang up after Aunt Claire did the laundry.

"You still got tomorrow," Aden shrugged and I gave him a deadpan look. Easy for him to say though since he was a guy. All he needed were some shirts and pants and maybe deodorant. He checked the time on his phone. "Are you hungry?"

I pondered for a moment before nodding, because, since when was I not hungry. But I also hadn't eaten since lunch at school.

Aden pushed himself off the bed, a light smile on his lips before he said the words that were music to my ears after a long day like this one. "I know the perfect place, lets get food."

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Hope you all liked this chapter! Do vote, comment and share for more updates and I would also really appreciate it!

Skyler finally talked about it! And the hiking trip, how will that go?

This chapter is dedicated to midnightVS

~SweetnessInTheSalt