Song for chapter four: You Don't Know What It's Like by Katelyn Tarver

|Skyler|

Right when I walked into the cafeteria I spotted Aden. He was already sitting at a table near the door, with a group of guys that of course, I'd never seen before. He looked up as I walked in, his dark eyes meeting mine again. The fleeting glance caused my cheeks to heat up.

The cafeteria looked just like any other I'd seen, with long rectangular tables lined in rows and the far end was the cafe.

"Skyler, over here!" I looked towards the sound of my name and saw Josie waving her hand frantically above her head to get my attention. I let out a relieved sigh, making my way over to the table before sitting down next to her. "Guys, this is Skyler," I looked around the table at the other two girls.

"Hey, I'm Esther," the girl with platinum blonde hair, and thick rimmed glasses introduced herself with a bright smile. "This is Paige," she nodded over to the dark haired petite girl next to her who only gave me a small smile in return.

"It's nice to meet you guys," I said as I opened up the sandwich that I had made hastily this morning.

"You packed your own lunch?" Josie asked me curiously, eyeing my container.

"Oh yeah, I didn't know that everyone got theirs from here..." I glanced at the trays filled with chicken fingers and an apple in front of Paige and Esther. Back home, my mom always packed my lunch, and having to do it this morning myself reminded me of my new reality.

"Yeah we do, it comes with the little tuition that we pay. So it's all free for us," Paige explained. "So, where are you from?"

"Ontario, Canada," I answered with a smile.

Esthers eyes immediately danced with excitement. "Oh my gosh, I've always wanted to go to Canada!" she said as if New York was in a different continent. "Is everyone actually really polite?"

I shrugged, but then I thought back to the amount of times I'd been run over by people in the subway station and how barely any of them apologized, or how on top of that, no one held the door for each other on the way into a building.

"Yeah... I guess," I ended up saying.

"I saw this thing on Instagram where Canadians put maple syrup on ice and eat it, is that true?" Josie laughed.

I nodded, suppressing a laugh, "Yes thats actually true. It's really good though."

Esther went on about how Canada seemed like dreamland compared to New York. I wouldn't completely agree, after all, the subway system and all the tall skyscrapers seemed pretty extravagant to me. But that might just be my inner tourist talking. Now though, it just seemed like home reminded me too much of what I'd lost.

The dynamic of the group was obvious as we sat and talked. Esther was the one who was the most talkative, and Josie butted in with her comments every few sentences. Paige listened and laughed more than she ever spoke.

Josie, Paige and Esther were both only the only children in their family, just like I was.

I glanced over at Aden's table. His friends talked over each other obnoxiously, while he sat there listening with a small smile. He ran his fingers over his hair again, and my stomach did multiple backflips from the sight.

As if he'd sensed me watching, he turned his head and once again, we made eye contact. But before I could look away, his lips flipped upwards into a small smile. I returned it before quickly adverting my gaze elsewhere to prevent myself from looking like a creep.

"No way," I heard Josie say next to me. I glanced up at her, her eyes sparkling.

"No way what?" I asked, looking between her, Paige and Esther's excited expressions.

"That guy over there is Aden," Esther said quickly and I nodded slowly, "he never gives girls the time of day, and he just smiled at you."

"That's stupid, it's just a smile. He was being polite since we got paired together for chemistry," I explained.

"You're so lucky," Paige sighed as she shoved a chicken finger into her mouth. "Imagine being paired with him," she stared off into space as if in a daydream, her eyes clouding over.

"It's really not that big of a deal," I continued to say. The three of them just blinked at me, Esther with an incredulous look on her face while Josie seemed neutral about it.

"Okay, we're going to explain some things to you, since you're new," Esther said, rolling her eyes. She looked at Josie, expectantly.

Josie cleared her throat, "Okay fine. So basically as you can already tell, those idiots are the jocks," she pointed at the group of obnoxious guys on the other side of the cafeteria, all sporting varsity jackets as they talked —or maybe even flirted— with some other girls. Those girls were pretty I had to give them that, dressed in tight clothing that hugged their curves that I wished I had. I even spotted Austin over there, flirting with a pretty brunette.

"They literally play like two sports, football and soccer," Josie continued. "Apparently they're super good too cause we've got a gazillion trophies and medals from them. But don't get ahead of yourselves, they're idiots, and they act like idiots. They flirt with so many girls, and host so many parties, it's crazy."

I nodded, they seemed like the type, not to be stereotypical or anything.

"Now, Aden is part of the soccer team and he's really good, even better than the captain," Paige cut off Josie, speaking more than a sentence for the first time in a while, "but he doesn't hang around any of those guys since he has his own friends. He never flirts like them either. I swear, no one has seen him talk with any girl, and we all know for a fact he's never had a girlfriend before."

"Okay that's dramatic. I'm sure he's spoken with girls before," I rolled my eyes.

"Yeah, he has, but he's never smiled at one like he smiled at you," Esther raised a perfect eyebrow at me.

"I'm sure," I drawled sarcastically.

"And you know, it gets better than that," Esther almost squealed, "he's like some sort of genius, he gets straight A's. Like what's better than an attractive dude who's smart?"

"Okay enough about that," Josie cut in, sensing that I was never going to agree with them. I wanted to give Josie a ginormous hug to thank her for deviating the conversation. "So, why did you move to New York?"

I gulped, feeling my muscles grow hard as I glanced between the three of their curious faces. I wasn't sure if I was ready to explain how my mom died, or that she was just gone.

"New York is just where my dad is from, so we moved here," I quickly fibbed. "I need to use the bathroom, I'll see you guys tomorrow." I shot up from my seat, giving them a small wave. My legs took me out of the cafeteria as fast as they could and my vision began to blur when I stepped into the hall.

Thankfully, the bathroom was just down the hall. My sneakers pounded against the tiled floors as I scrambled inside, slipping into a stall and locked it just before the first tear rolled down my cheek. I kept a hand over my mouth to muffle any cries.

Truthfully, I had no clue why I couldn't just tell them I had no parents left. I knew that I wanted to, but nothing came out. Maybe I just didn't want them to stare at me sympathetically and tell me how sorry they were. Because I knew they had nothing to be sorry about, just like how I knew they would never know what it's like. I didn't want to be the girl with the dead parents.

I couldn't show any weakness. I had to be strong.

So many people have it worse than you. A little voice in my head reminded me.

Today, I would go home to an empty house with Aunt Claire still at work, my mom would not be there to make me dinner, or ask how my day was. She wouldn't be there to ask if I'd met anyone new, or any new cute boys like she used to.

Because she was gone. And I had to live without her, no matter how wrong it felt.

The bell sounded from the intercom above my head and I jumped up, startled. Standing up, I ran my fingers over my cheeks in a pathetic attempt to dry them.

I unlocked my bathroom stall and almost groaned when I saw my reddened eyes and pink cheeks in the mirror. I looked as if I'd cried — which was the opposite of what I needed at the moment. Hastily, I splashed cold water onto my face and dried it off with my shirt. My eyes were still red, but I could pull off a happy expression with a smile. I needed to be strong like my mom would want me to be.

I hurried down the hall, fishing out the school map from my pocket to find my way to the change rooms for my physical education class. When I successfully made it, half the girls were still putting on their clothes, or fixing their hair and makeup, so I quickly threw on my shorts and the school's green t-shirt I received from the mail a week ago.

Giving myself one last look at the mirror near the door, I was satisfied enough that my face didn't look as if I'd just bawled my eyes out. I headed out into the field right outside the door.

I plopped down onto the grass, tying the laces to my Nike runners as other students started to arrive.

My eyes nearly bulged out of their sockets when I caught sight of Aden sauntering towards the field. He had a confident stride that demanded attention, and I could tell many girls could sense I too, seeing the way they watched him, and the few other jocks I'd seen at lunch as they approached.

This class was more interesting than my other ones that was for sure. The teacher introduced himself as Mr. Woods and began going through the syllabus for the semester. The only thing that really got my attention was a three day hiking trip we would be going on a little later.

The key to gym class: do as little physical exercise possible, and still pass with flying colours.

The rest of the day drawled on, but of course Physics and English began teaching their first lesson already.

When the day finally ended, I forced myself to walk the few blocks through the crowded streets to get home to Aunt Claire's apartment so I could lay down in my bed for a bit to recover. The only person who'd smiled at me as I walked was the doorman at the apartment.

When I shut the door behind me, I was surprised to see my aunt standing in the living room, with her arms crossed over her chest. Her expression was neutral, but I could tell she was not happy with me. It was the face I always got from adults whenever something went wrong.

I swear I did the dishes after I made my sandwich... My mind raked through the list of things I could've done to piss her off but I came up empty.

"Aunt Claire, shouldn't you be a work?" I asked when I realized she wasn't going to speak first. I dumped my backpack on the floor next to the door.

"Well, I would've been, but we need to talk," she said with a slight frown.

Oh shit.

"About...?"

"Why you haven't been having your Zoloft pills like you're supposed to?" she cut to the chase, an eyebrow arched. I sighed, leaning back against the door. "I found the full bottle in your room."

"I just don't think it'll help me, that's all," I said shortly.

"But they will. Doctor Miranda specifically prescribed these for you. If you want to get better and move on, this is the first step," Aunt Claire insisted. "They help with the grief, so you can move on easier."

Doctor Miranda was the therapist Aunt Claire had forced me to see when I first moved to New York. The reason why I didn't have to anymore was because I promised to take the pills and slowly get better or "happier".

I let out a frustrated groan, "But they make me nauseous."

"And yet you've still been throwing up in the bathroom even though you haven't been taking them," Aunt Claire shot back before her expression softened as she brought up the state I was in yesterday when she came back from work. "These will help you, otherwise you'll have to go back and see Doctor Miranda for another solution."

I shook my head, shivering and not wanting to go through talking about my feelings again. "Fine, I'll take them," I snapped, "but if I start throwing up more and get constipated it's not my fault," I grumbled under my breath as I busted into my room, slamming the door behind me for good measure.

I knew that Aunt Claire was just doing what was best for me, or what she thought was best. But I just needed time to fix things myself, not shove pills down my throat. I doubted they would make me feel any better than I did now.

I sighed. I truly did want to get better, after all, staying up late until ungodly hours replaying my mom's death in my head wasn't exactly the way I wanted to spend my life. It just felt like if I moved on so quickly, it was like my mom's life was worth so little, and it wasn't. It felt so wrong to be going on with my own life, happily if she was no longer there.

You know, maybe I wanted to stay this way so my mom wouldn't have to be forgotten.

I would figure this out on my own without those pills.

With that, I grabbed two pills from the container, and dashed across the hall to the bathroom. I shut the door behind me and tossed the two pills into the toilet, before flushing it down, and out of my sight.

Out of sight, out of mind.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

For anyone wondering, the maple syrup on ice is something that Canadians do during a Winter festival. I think it originated from Quebec (but not 100% sure). Basically, you put boiling maple syrup on clean ice, wait like 30 seconds and then roll it up on a stick. It tastes really good!

I hope you liked this chapter! Do vote and comment if you liked it!

What do you guys think of Aden?

~SweetnessInTheSalt