"Now, I'm really wishing I kept that boy alive," I hear Xavier say through the microphone. And everything Matt and I have been through flashes through my mind in a split second.

How three years ago, I was on patrol like usual and I just knew, something wasn't right. So, I went to go investigate and after some searching, I saw a coat wearing bastard in our convenience store. Everyone knows the East always wear their damn coats.

I was distressed both because someone from the East was on our side, but also because my favorite brand of cookies are only sold there and if Matt does anything to that store, I won't have my cookies anymore.

Deciding not to open fire while Matt was inside, I waited until he walked out. And sure enough, when the coat wearing bastard finally emerged, he was holding a stack of my favorite cookies.

He had a heart attack when he spotted me, the cookies nearly dropping out of his hands and he had one in his mouth as well, so he couldn't exactly talk too much.

I raised my gun - not exactly sure what to do with a gang member holding a bunch of my favorite cookies.

Then again, just buying all of my favorite cookies should be punishable by death. And then, this blond, coat wearing bastard, said the words that made me nearly drop my jaw. 

"Want a cookie?" he asked.

And I felt like nobody understood me more in that moment.

I lowered my gun and walked over with a goofy grin before taking at least five cookies. Food is my life and anyone that would offer me some, is most certainly my friend.

After that, Matt and I decided to walk back to the border together - to make sure a West-side member doesn't spot him or anything.

"Thanks for not killing me," Matt said when we got to the border eventually.

"No problem," I responded.

And he left.

So, for weeks, I couldn't get my mind off of how civil we were even though we were in enemy gangs. The East killed Blake's brother and dad so tension were higher than ever. I knew Matt was bisexual, everyone did, but I wasn't too sure about myself. All I knew, was that I was definitely different.

And then, one afternoon I saw him hogging the same cookies at the same store. The first thing that I did, was smile. The second, was walking up to him and grabbing a box of the cookies myself.

This time, we didn't head for the boarder.

Instead, I took him to a nearby storage facility for the West's drug supplies and we just talked for a while.

"And y'know, I absolutely hate it when people call me a ginger," I ranted at one point.

"But dude, you're strawberry blond," Matt laughed.

I turned to him with such gratitude it's like he told me I don't have cancer or something. "You are literally the first person to say that," I mumbled.

And I knew. Right there while Matt was looking at me with those fun, mischievous eyes that I was gay. And that I liked Matt Mathews.

"Want me to be another first for you?" Matt asked in a whisper.

This was such a vulnerable moment. The defining line of who I am, and who I think I really am. And with my mind always on this blond idiot when I didn't see him, I nodded my head.

And we kissed.

I've only kissed once before and it was a girl and it really did nothing for me. But then with Matt, I felt all giddy and young and like the world was captured between our lips.

There was no going back.

We'd run into each other on a regular base, always grabbing cookies and making for the storage facility - where we drowned in each other. I've never felt more alive and my quiet self was always bubbly around Matt.

Sometimes someone from the West would spot him as well and I'd have to say 'I got this' before running after my blond idiot with my gun waving around.

I always had to try and keep my laugh in.

After about a year, I told Matt I loved him. And he returned the words. But we could never tell anyone, because we were in enemy gangs. It would always be a secret. And it would crush me.

The only times I really felt like myself was with my blond idiot. I craved for when we'd see each other again and I had dreams about days where the West and East would finally come together so that Matt and I could stop hiding.

And so, time has passed and Amber came to town and we all went to that stupid Northern ball. 

I just knew, while I was blocked from my escape, that Matt would do something stupid. I was carrying Liam - helpless really and I knew Matt would sacrifice himself to save me. I hated it when he ran for us, but I couldn't let what he did go to waste so I ran out of there.

And nobody saw my tears as I was running through the cold night.

Now, with Xavier's words echoing through me, I feel everything come crashing down. How I'll never get to be myself again. How the person I love is taken from me before he could truly be mine.

I really can't stop the scream I let out. All the hurt, the pent up pain just explodes from me and I run to the nearest Northern guard before grabbing him and literally throwing him to the floor. I'm a pretty tall guy so the thug was instantly dead when his head cranked against the cold tile floor of the kitchen.

Everyone is shocked by my suddenly violent act, but it's because they didn't hear Xavier say Matt is dead.

"It's all for nothing." I growl at the guys. "Matt is dead. We need to bring the North to the ground."

And all hell breaks lose.

I'm like a wild animal, running to find a Northern thug and punch the life out of him. I barely use my gun. I want to feel as I squeeze the life out of them.

Blake gets into a one on one fight with a particularly large guy. My leader has never been a very smart fighter, but there's always a deadly force behind his blows that would be a challenge for anyone fighting him. He ducks at a swing and then sends a power kick to the large man's shin. An awful bone-breaking sound fills the kitchen and the man goes down before Blake grabs his gun and shoots the large man twice in the head.

I run from out of the kitchen, with reluctance due to all the food in there,  and into the dining room.

Xavier and Amber should be here, but when I look around, they're gone. The chair at the head of the table is a broken mess on the floor, but other than that and the two shattered glasses, here's nobody.

I suddenly realize that maybe they heard my violent scream and I just cost Amber her life.

No, I tell myself, Amber can hold a fight. She's still alive.

Two Northern thugs run up to me and I pull out my gun - ducking when the first shoots and then shooing him in the chest. The second guy shoots at me as well and I run up to him and elbow his face. When the guy staggers, I kick him down and shoot him three times. The first guy starts scrambling to get up and I shoot him again.

When I look to my left, Owen comes running in. There's pain on his face. I'm guessing it's because of his dead second in command. 

The Eastern leader pulls out all his boxing skills when three North-side members come running for him. He brings in some kick boxing moves when he jabs for the first guy and kicks the other one in a jaw. The third guy pulls out a gun and Owen immediately round house kicks it out of his hand.

I turn to continue my rampage, but suddenly feel something warm trickling down at my side.

I feel with my hands and when I bring it back, dark blood stains my fingers... That... that second guy managed to shoot me before I took him down...

If my life is an hour glass, the blood spilling from my side would be the sand, I realize. I decide to just zip up my leather jacket. Nobody needs to know...

I rush into the entertainment room - taking the Northern guard down in a tackle when he runs to me. A sharp pain shoots up my side and when the guy hits me, I feel myself going weak. Blood loss does that to you.

But as the Northerner rains punches down onto me, I imagine what they did to Matt. How even this nobody could've been the one to kill him after days of torture.

We should've come earlier.

We shouldn't have left Matt.

I shout out another violent cry and push the guy off of me. Startled, the guy scrambles to get up, but I kick him down again. I go sit on top of his chest, grab his head in my hands, and slam it down repeatedly onto the wood floor.

Before I know what's happening, someone pulls me off and kicks me. Two more guys appear and power kicks are sent to all sides of myself, making me lose most of my strength. Someone, I don't know who, kicks me where I have a gunshot wound and I whimper in the pain that consumes me.

I look up and the men all have these evil sneers. 

How did they treat Matt?

I grab for a leg that aims to kick me and the guy falls. Another leg kicks me and I sweep my own legs to get him to fall again. I grab a gun from the guy that I fell and aim it at the third guy.

He raises his hands, "Please, we weren't going to kill you," he mumbles.

"Just like you weren't going to kill Matt," I growl and send four bullets into his stomach.

Out of breath, and noticing most of the blood on the floor is mine, I shuffle out of the entertainment room and meet Blake at the foyer.

"Have you seen Amber?" Blake asks.

I shake my head, over-come with guilt. "No," I answer.

"Owen and I are... going to uh, go find her on the second floor. Can you hold the stairs and make sure nobody follows us?" my leader asks.

I feel my energy leaving me. The strength I have left barely allows me to stand. But because I might cost Amber her life and because Matt is dead, I nod. "I can hold the stairs," I say.

"Don't let us down," Blake pleads and pats me on the shoulder before he and Owen runs up the stairs.

I pick up a fallen automatic and hold it out in front of me.

My arms are shaking so bad and I hear the sound of bullets deep in the house. I just hope the rest of my gang is safe and that Amber... That Amber kills Xavier.

A Northern guy comes running in and I shoot him with just a second's delay. I blink a few times to focus my vision.

When two more Northern guys come running, they're little more than blurry figures. I aim at the direction of the first and almost whimper in gratitude when he goes down. The second guy shoots my leg before I can even move my gun. I yell out and fall to the stairs and right when the guy is by me, I shoot him down.

I get up with my right leg causing all kind of pain and hear a whole bunch of Northern thugs come running. I duck down and run with a slight limp to hide under the stairs.

I can hear the guys go up and I know the smart thing to do would be to stay hiding here, but I suddenly think about how I've already disappointed Amber and Matt and if I let them go up those stairs, I'll disappoint Blake too.

Knowing I only have minutes left with the blood pooling around me, I jump out from my hiding spot and yell out.

The five northern guys up the stairs look at me in shock before I let my automatic fire at their blurry figures.

Their own shots come without only a bit of hesitation.

And I feel their bullets rip at my chest. I go down with my automatic still firing and all five guys fall down as well.

When my back hits the floor, I can't feel anything.

All I have is my memories of stolen kisses with Matt and how this is a good way to die. In honor of those you care about. Maybe I would've held on if Matt was alive. Maybe I would've told Blake 'no' and said I needed to find medical attention.

But with Matt gone, I don't see a point.

Everything goes bright and dark at the same time. My lungs desperately try to grabbing for air with all the blood filling me.

And then, an angel appears. There, standing on the other side of the foyer is Matt. He's blurry, but I can still see his shocked face.

He... he was alive? 

A single tear slides down my cheek with blood spilling from my lips. "Want a cookie?" I ask before I feel myself getting plucked away.

And the gun shots and blood and death and everything bad goes away. Forever.

Hey goldies!

Yes, Matt wasn't actually dead. I told y'all it gets worse. Please, just don't send me hate mail. Lynch is alive. Some of you guys are still sending me messages about how you hate me, so please just stop.

This is a gang book. People die to move the plot and drive Amber.

Anyways, there are only 9 chapters left. Just hold on until the end! Unless you're sensitive to these kinds of things.

Love y'all!

~ Holly Shmit