trigger warning // anxiety

I was so engulfed with everything I did with Lucas that I forgot about the sleepover with Lily. By now it was 7:47 p.m. but I told her that I would come at six. I glanced at Lucas, who was currently trying to name his own ring pop.

     "Lucas, I, uh, gotta go to Lily's house," I said, poking the side of his shoulder.

     "Okay," he responded, standing up from the bench and taking my hand. He gestured me to stand up as well, so I did. Then, he held my hand up to his face and kissed the back of it. It was such a cheesy gesture to do, but I didn't mind one bit.

     "I'll see you tomorrow," he told me, waving as I went to my mom's car. As I got into the car, I waved back at my now-boyfriend. That just sounds weird.

     I sighed and quickly put my seatbelt on, secretly freaking out over the fact that I ditched Lily for Lucas. It might not of been intentionally, but I still did it and I felt incredibly guilty.

     When I got to her house, which was about the same size as mine, I checked the time. It read 8:03 p.m. but I was supposed to be here two hours ago. I glanced around her neighborhood, feeling as if someone would see and be ashamed of me, even though I doubt no one knew.

     I brought my fist to the door and hesitated before knocking on it. It took a few moment before Lily opened the door in her pajamas. I couldn't tell what emotion was going through her. Sadness, disappointment, anger? I didn't know but I did know that I felt so guilty.

     "You're a little late," she muttered, not making eye contact with me. From what I could tell, I thought that she was angry.

     "Lily, I can explain what happened," I said, the guilt laced into my voice. Lily was always there for me and I was always there for her.

     "What is there to explain? You didn't answer any of my texts or calls," she told me, still averting her eyes away from mine.

     "Lucas-" I went to say but then got cut of by Lily.

     "You were hanging out with Lucas? Didn't you hate him?" she asked, her voice getting gradually louder.

     "I- Well, I'm kind of, sort of, dating him," I told her, leaning from foot to foot.

     "Oh, wow," she responded with no emotion in her voice.

     "Just let me tell you what happened. Please," I begged, taking her hand. "Look at me."

     Lily slowly turned her head to face me and her eyes softened. She told me, "My mom kicked my dad out earlier today. She told him to never come back. T-then she told me that I was a mistake. A mistake, Kylie! I'm a m-mistake."

     She crumbled down to her feet, sobbing her eyes out. I leaned down and hugged her, muttering dumb things like "it'll be okay" and "you're not a mistake" hoping to make her feel a little better.

     I thought back to when Lucas called me. I could hear his sniffles and broken voice in my head as she did the same. And then Jackson's voicemail. It felt like everyone was holding up a façade to hide the broken side of them and I was in the middle of it all. I couldn't really do anything but distract and console them.

When Lily stopped crying, she turned her head away from me with a few small sniffles. She said, "I don't want you to see me like this."

"But you need me," I responded, taking her hand into mine. "Even if you don't know it yet. We're best friends and we always stick with each other, right?"

Lily nodded, wiping her tears ago, saying, "Let's go inside so I can get myself cleaned up."

"Good, we're watching Salad Fingers."

"You wish," she responded, laughing a little.

"Then you're going to tell me everything that happened between you and Damon while I was gone," I replied sternly, slinging one of my arms around her neck.

     "And you with Lucas," she responded with a small laugh. When we reached the living room, I gasped in awe.

     In front of my eyes was a big blanket fort. I turned to Lily, grinning at her. "Are there snacks?"

     "Of course there are snacks! You would kill me if there weren't any," she exclaimed, making us both laugh and crawl into the blanket fort.

We ended up going on a Disney movie marathon instead of Salad Fingers, which was totally fine with me. Lily and I both screamed the lyrics whenever a song came on that we knew. First it was Mulan, then Moana, then The Lion King, then Tangled, then Cinderella, then a lot more.

During that time, I forgot about everything and everyone except the girl beside me, the movie, the food, and the blanket fort. Lucas wasn't in my mind at the moment and hopefully Lily's mind wasn't on her parents.

But good things always come to an end, and the world keeps spinning. I sometimes wonder what it would be like if for one moment, the world would stop spinning. For one moment, nothing else would matter. Everything including time would freeze, but that will never happen.

My thoughts were interrupted by Lily's phone dinging. She didn't bother pausing the movie as she checked her phone. And then all I saw was Lily subtly placing her phone down and engulfing her face with a pillow.

I heard her sniffling, probably trying her best not to breakdown on the spot. A worried look crossed my face as I asked what was wrong. She didn't respond, so I just checked her phone, knowing she most likely wouldn't mind.

     There was about twenty texts from Damon, with the first one being a picture of something. I put my finger print into her phone to unlock it and scrolled through the texts.

:D Damon: [screenshot of a picture on instagram]

:D Damon: Lily, are you okay?

:D Damon: What happened? Why is there a picture of.. that on instagram tagging you?

:D Damon: I saw you read the first text. Please respond, Lils. I need you to talk to me.

There were a ton of other messages and more messages sending. I got a buzz from my own phone and saw the same screenshot of the photo on instagram. Lucas had sent it to me, asking if Lily was okay.

lucas: did u know that she did this? who the fuck even posted that

lucas: kylie oh my god, talk to me.

me: lucas i dont kn w. i'm fresking o ur

me: lily is wih m

me: shes cryng nd damons calling he r

I didn't bother looking at Lucas's replies because I felt the anxiety start to reach my entire body and the adrenaline flooding through my veins, even though I wasn't doing any physical activity.

I felt like I couldn't breathe. I felt like I was going to die. I couldn't comprehend a single thought and my vision felt so blurry. All I could see was Lily in front of me, crying her eyes out.

And then I realized that maybe none of us were okay. Maybe nothing was ever okay.

—

hey sorry this is such a short chapter but i just wanted to get something up bc i havent updated in a month lol

qotd: thoughts on this so far? what do u think the picture is

aotd: hehe

stay beautiful, stay handsome, stay you

- aspen