[unedited]

tw // mentions of self harm, anxiety attacks

     The next thing I saw were arms around me, trying to console me. I didn't know who it was, but I felt safe in their arms. Whoever they were. I leaned forward and rested my head on their shoulder. This felt familiar.

     "Breathe deeply, in and out. Inhale. Exhale," I heard a familiar voice whisper in my ear, and I felt them rub circles on my back with their hand. Lucas.

     After I calmed down a little, there were still tears flowing down my face and I heard myself hiccup.

     "How'd you g-get here?" I managed to say, though it had stutters and my voice sounded hoarse.

     "We unlocked it with some things," Lucas responded with me still in his arms. I didn't want to move, so I didn't.

     I almost asked who "we" was, but then I saw Damon and Jackson trying to comfort Lily on the other side of the blanket fort. I felt myself relax in his arms even though I didn't know that I was tense in the first place.

      "T-the picture," I muttered to him. Even the thought of it made me want to cry. I continued with an uneven voice, "I didn't e-even know. I'm s-such a bad friend."

     "Kylie, look at me," Lucas gently said.

     I lifted my head up from his shoulder and looked in his eyes, which were beautiful but looked darker than usual. It could have been my imagination or the light in the room, but I also saw anger and sadness in his eyes.

     I hated it, so averted my eyes away from him. Anywhere but him. Because if I did look into his eyes— if I dared to see the emotions in his eyes— I would surely break down.

When he put his hand on my cheek and made my face turn to his own, I looked down at my hands. I still felt the tears on my cheeks which were fresh and new. It felt like I could make a puddle of my own tears at this point. I felt weak. I felt insecure.

"Please look up at me, Kylie," Lucas muttered quietly and put his hand back down. Even though I felt the urge to ignore his request, I didn't.

Maybe I could find something else in his eyes— something other than the anger and the hate. The pain and the sadness. Maybe I could feel safe when I look into his eyes.

I wanted to avert my eyes away again, but all I could do is stare and search in his eyes. His eyes were so deep, and they were full of different specks and colors and emotion. It was like an entire ocean and I felt like I could get lost in them. I didn't mind it though.

And there I saw it— I saw the care he had in his eyes. The worried and caring part of him. We both stared at each other, no one uttering a single word. I felt my mind wondering what Lucas was thinking right now. Was he hurt too, when he looked into my eyes? When he looked at my face, with all of the tears and panic that was surely etched on my face?

Part of me wanted to know and the other part of me didn't. "What are you thinking right now?" I asked softly and slowly.

"A lot of things. How I want to keep you happy and safe. How I want to kill the person who sent that picture. How I'm going to find out who even sent it. How sad it is to see your face that's stained with tears. How it hurts me to see the sadness in your eyes. So, so many things," he replied, his eyes still in contact with my own and continued, "All I can do right now is be there for you two."

He slowly put his hand on my face and gently wiped the tears away from me with his thumb. We were interrupted by Jackson crawling over to this side of the fort.

"She won't talk to me. All she'll do is rock her body back and forth and silently cry," Jackson informed us. I could also see sadness in his eyes. I realized that we were in this together even if I barely knew Damon, who was still trying to calm Lily down. We all meant something to Lily and that's why we were here.

When I took a glimpse of Lily's arms, which were exposed when her sleeves lifted up, I finally saw it. And I felt a pang to my heart as I it registered to me that this was actually a reality. Along her wrists were small cuts, not too deep but still deeper than I wanted it to be.

I averted my eyes to Lucas and Jackson a second after I noticed them. I didn't have to take a close look to know that they were the same cuts in the picture— that they weren't just photoshopped on it. They both looked worriedly at me and Lily. They must've saw it too.

     My head and heart were both pounding. Fast and hard. If I had said aloud at any other moment with Lucas, he'd probably make it seem sexual. It felt like my heart was going to plunge out of my chest. It felt like everybody could hear the fast and loud beating of my heart.

     I'm such a horrible friend. How could I not know that she did that? She was my closest friend. I even knew that she was going through a hard time. Her parents keep arguing and fighting and she can't do a single thing about it. She told me about that, I remember. She told me when she was sad, and I did as well.

    We told each other everything. Or so I thought.

     Every time I thought of the cuts on her wrists, I felt like puking. I leaned my head on Lucas's shoulder and I feel his fingers rubbing various patterns on my back. Though my head was still throbbing, I felt more relaxed when he held me.

    "Don't let me go," I murmured into his neck, and I felt his hold around me tighten a little. I wrapped my arms around him and held on to him as if my life depended on it because at that moment, it felt like it did.

     No words were spoken after that apart from the quiet sobs from Lily and the whispers of Damon trying to calm her. I don't think anyone was okay.

——

well it's been a while. i kind of forgot about this app but this book is finally getting somewhere <3 i have a lot of ideas for this book but school is keeping my busy so i can't write that much. i'm trying though

thoughts on this chapter?

qotd: have u watched anime? if so, what's ur favorite anime

aotd: yes im uhh addicted to anime rn,, my fav animes are def bnha, assassination classroom, and yuri on ice

stay beautiful stay handsome stay you i love u

- aspen