trigger warning: anxiety/panic attack

"BASEBALL SEASON STARTS in two weeks or something," Tobias announced at the lunch table. Eris, Tobias, Ayana, and Archer were all sitting at the table. Part of me was glad that Archer started to sit at the table after what happened with Ethan, but he was expelled. I shouldn't be that paranoid, especially since his other friends seemed nice.

     Tobias say across from Archer and me, giving me a soft smile. I felt bad knowing that Tobias liked me while I couldn't return the feelings for him. He was such a sweet person, and I wished nothing but the best for him. I returned the gesture as he continued to speak about the upcoming season. He was going to be the main pitcher of the team, and he was also selected captain this year.

     "I'm coming to all of your games," Ayana grinned, lazily wrapping an arm around the boy's neck. "You'll save me a seat on the bench, right?"

     "You wanna go in that crusty dugout? With all of the sweat boys?" he questioned, raising an eyebrow.

     How the fuck do people only raise one eyebrow?

     "Yeah, I'll be your little cheerleader. Eris And I both, right?" she turned to her new girlfriend and the girl nodded in response.

    "We'll wear cute little skirts too," the blonde-haired girl winked.

"They'll be too focused on you lovebirds to be able to play," he rolled his eyes, "but seriously, I'm so excited for the first game of the season. I better see all you there. You too, Archer."

"I'll try," he teased with a grin, "no promises though."

"In that case, I'll be dragging Irene with me so you'll be forced to go," he responded triumphantly. "You guys stick hip to hip, it's funny. Cute, but funny."

"What can I say? I'm obsessed with her," he laughed. Tobias nodded in agreement but said nothing more.

The blonde boy glanced at me before quickly looking away after we locked eyes. There was a hint of red underneath the surface of his cheeks, threatening to shine through at its fullest vibrancy in any given moment. Archer didn't seem to notice the gesture, and the thought that Tobias still perhaps had feelings for me made me feel undeniably bad. Still, I didn't try or have it in me to try to change anything; I didn't know how to. Maybe I could set him up with someone like Ayana did to me? That sounded stupid and insensitive.

We continued to talk about the upcoming baseball season, but my mind always seemed to different places during this period. Archer's hand was placed on my thigh, and I couldn't help but think about what the future held for us. I couldn't help but think of what the future held for all of us; would we still be friends after this year ended? Or would we split ways?

Once lunch ended, the dark-haired boy pulled me aside to somewhere more secluded. He let out a sigh, running a hand through his smooth hair. "There's no easy way of saying this," he murmured.

It wasn't the quietest place, but we were in the room right by the nurse's office. Almost nobody went in here, mostly because it just went unnoticed to everyone. The room, if you could even call it one, was tight with a few supplies on the shelves. There was a small lightbulb on the ceiling that would only flicker on once every five times when you tried to mess with the switch. I'm pretty sure none of the staff or teachers went in here either considering the amount of dust in here and cobwebs on the corners of the small walls. Needless to say, I had no idea why I was being pulled in here, but I knew it had to be nothing good.

"What is it?" I inquired with my heart rate rising by the second. I hate when people build up to give the bad news. It was obviously bad news, but I just wished he would go out and say it.

"Yesterday, my dad told me he had a change of plans," he explained with dread in his voice, "I was originally supposed to go to college and get a degree in business. I planned to go to the same college as you once we became closer. . . He's sending me to study abroad, Irene."

"What?" I responded in shock. Graduation was only a few months away in May, then he would leave? Over a thousand miles away to some foreign country? The thought terrified me to no end. "You promised not to leave— I mean I know you can't control it but—"

He cut me off with a hug, "I'm sorry, baby. But we'll still be able to text and call, yeah? Everything will be normal, alright?"

"What if it won't be?" I murmured, tears brimming my eyes. The thought of Archer disappearing again— it was something I always avoided imagining. How could I avoid this now? I felt incredibly selfish for not wanting him to leave. And I felt even more stupid for letting myself cry in front of him again.

"Four years," he muttered, tightening his hold around me. "It'll only be four years."

"Only?" I whispered while the tears slid down my cheeks, dripping onto his own clothing.

Everything felt like it was spinning even though all I could see was black. My eyes were shut tightly as he whispered that everything would be okay, but all I could think about was how easily it would be to cut communications. Disappear. Leave. The warning bell rung but neither of us dared to move. My breathing sped up and I slid back against the wall, gasping for air. It was odd; everything felt like it was crashing down yet I felt so abnormally numb. Like I knew what was happening— how my body was trembling and my heart racing It was like I was out of touch with my own body. My entire body was shaking as I put my hands on my face.

Archer felt so distant as he called my name over and over again, telling me to take deep breaths. I felt like I was overreacting; this wasn't something to have such an anxiety attack over. He would still be there, texting and calling as much as he could. My mind kept moving back and forth from thought to thought. Yes, he would stay with me. No, he would become more distant. Busier. Lose interest. Find somebody else while he's abroad. And I felt so unbelievably stupid for relying on someone so much for my own happiness.

"You know how I said that you don't look so scared anymore?" he asked in a soft voice. "Back at Waffle House when we were shitting around like nothing mattered in the world. It's true, darling, it really is. I can tell how strong you're becoming. You're not as fragile as you used to be. You don't break with a single touch anymore."

     I was distressed and utterly confused. What did this have to do with anything? I murmured back to him, "I don't understand."

     "I adore you," he whispered, "I love everything about you, and that will never change. I promise that I'll come back to you. And I know more than anyone that you're strong enough to face your fears head on."

     I held my pinky out like a child. The idea of a "pinky promise" seemed so comical right now. We were almost adults; we were almost ready to live on our own. Yet this childish gesture set my nerves at ease as he locked pinkies with me, kissing the end of his fist to fully lock it in.

"This will not be the end of us, I promise," he murmured.

All I could do was pray to whoever or whatever was out there that what he was saying would be true.

—

qotd: have u ever done drugs

i Certainly have not.. hahahha.. of coruse not