ETHAN WAS STANDING next to my locker a couple weeks after Archer and I were "officially" dating. It started off slow with only a few of Archer's friends and my friends knowing, but people can't keep their mouths closed for shit. By now, almost all of the seniors that were familiar with my now boyfriend were also aware that he was taken by none other than me.

And you know what? I felt a little pride in it.

Today marked three days before February fourteenth, a day that brought back to quite a few memories that I wouldn't mind would wash away. I didn't want to remember how blindly infatuated I was with Oliver. How we went stargazing on top of the roof of his house, trying to count all of the tiny specks of light and find silly shapes in them. The way we would whisper sweet nothings into the darkness, words that only him and I cared about or would notice. Even the tiny dots of snowflakes. I could remember it so vividly despite it being a few years since all of it had happened.

I tried to put the past behind me, but it was hard when I always ran from it instead of confronting it. Hell, you could call me Usain Bolt from how fast I could run from that shit hole of my past. I never denied that I was cowardly, but could you blame me when what I was running from was what kept me up at night? So many nightmares. So many flashbacks of things I didn't want to remember. It was like an ongoing game of tag and I was always running away from them. Maybe not the best analogy considering I would be winning in that game when in reality I was falling deeper and deeper inside this pit of hell that I called my mind. How could that ever be considered winning?

Simple answer, it couldn't.

"Please move away from the locker," I told the boy a little less politely than I wanted it to come out. With the incident of him calling me a toy at the lunch table, I really could care less about what he thinks of me. I'm not that impressionable, after all.

"Ouch, babe, I'm hurt," he frowned as I went to open my locker. "I just wanted to know how you and my good buddy, Archer, were doing. Y'know, since you're his toy and all now."

"When are you gonna grow up?"

"Never, probably," he stared at me deep in the eyes with a small smirk plastered to his face.

     He leaned in closer to me as I backed into the locker with a racing heart. I got a small whiff of alcohol from his breath and grimaced. Great, I was dealing with a drunk at ten in the morning. Just what I wanted. Before I could do anything else, he gave me a small kiss on the lips before I slapped his face out of instinct.

"Enjoy the last few months of your high school years, seriously, Ethan. It'll be the end of your peak once you try to make it on some college football team and only land with the shittiest one," I replied and slammed the locker shut, leaving him standing there by himself.

"I wouldn't mind being a McDonald's worker, you know," he shouted out loud enough for me to hear.

"I doubt even McDonald's would want you," I snorted and there was no response after that. My heart was beating way too fast from what happened moments before, and it wasn't until the next period with Archer did my nerves calm down.

     I contemplated telling the boy what Ethan had done and ultimately decided to do it after class. Knowing him, he'd cause a ruckus during class and that was the last thing I wanted to happen. I knew that either way, nothing good would come of it but I also didn't want to keep secrets from him. Not like Oliver did.

     My knee bounced up and down for the entire class period and I could hardly pay attention to what the teacher was saying. It was just review for the unit we were going over so it didn't matter much, but I'd much rather pay attention than listen to my the racing thoughts in my head. I always seemed to have a panic attack whenever shit like this went through my mind, but I tried to keep it down.

     What's supposed to calm your anxiety? Thinking of random things? Rainbows, unicorns, ice cream, beaches, leprechauns— yeah, this shit didn't help at all. I took deep breaths and stared at the scribbles on the board, processing all of the  equations. How the hell are you supposed to process all of this when some random dude comes up to kiss you?

     "You alright?" a voice behind me asked with concern. After a few moments, I recognized it as Audrey's.

     I glanced behind me before reassuring the girl that I was, in fact, alright. She didn't press further on afterwards to my own relief. Not sure how I was supposed to tell Ethan's friend that he had kissed me, especially when I had a boyfriend. Well, I guess it was pretty simple but I wasn't too sure if I wanted to know her reaction.

     The period was agonizingly long and once the bell rang, I shot out of my seat and bolted for the hallways. I'd usually wait for Archer to walk out together but things were way too odd for me right now.

"Hey, Irene," he called out, "are you alright? I was watching you the entire class period and— that sounds kind of creepy now that I say it out loud."

"Ethan kissed me," I blurted out. Archer stopped walking as soon as I spoke the three words. I continued to explain more, "He came up to my locker and started talking. And— I don't fucking know— he just kissed me."

"Why didn't you tell me earlier?" he questioned, anger under-toning his voice. I knew it wasn't directed at me but I couldn't help but imagine that I some somewhat at fault too. Maybe I should've just ignored him and this would've never happened.

"It was before the period started and I didn't want you to make a big deal out of it," I replied and instantly regretted how I said "make a big deal." Because why would anyone's partner not make a big deal out of something like that?

"Irene, this is a big deal," he murmured, trying to cover up his anger. "I told him not to mess with you, for fucks sake."

He put a hand through his hair with an annoyed sigh, probably contemplating to do. Knowing him, it would be one of two things: pummel the boy to the ground or try to kill the man. I wasn't a big advocate for violence but I don't think I could stop him even if I tried. The dark-haired boy stared at me for only a moment before nonchalantly grabbing my hand and walking out of the school building.

"Wait at my car," he ordered as he walked me to his car and unlocked it. What a true gentleman, walking me to the car before besting someone up. I contemplated going after him to see what would happen, and I knew I should probably stop whatever would happen from happening. But there's a point in life where you simply just stop caring anymore and I think I've surpassed that point.

     Thinking back on it, from when Archer beat Ryan King up from what seemed like ages ago, I didn't feel much sympathy at all for the cowering boy. What that made me— I have no clue. Things are a little different though since I knew that I was the cause of this. I sighed as I threw my backpack in the backseat of his car and put myself in the passenger seat. Unraveling the wires to my earbuds, I browsed through my playlist until I finally settled on a song to listen to.

The great protector,
Is that what I'm supposed to be?
What if all this counts for nothing
Everything I thought I'd be
What if by the time I realize
It's too far behind to see

I sighed and slouched back into the seat, closing my eyes and blocking out the noise from the parking lot. The bridge was my favorite part of the entire song with the violins melodically playing. I imagined a scenario with just the two of us— Archer and me— dancing in the dark with only the moonlight being our guiding light. Maybe we'd be outside in the grass, bodies touching with my head rested against his shoulder. I'd feel the warmth radiating from his body; we'd both feel the love radiating from each other. Maybe we'd be in his room together, laughing sillily as we tried to show off our best dance moves. We'd both suck but neither of us would care.

Wait, what? Since when was I such a hopeless romantic?

"I'm back," a voice told me and snapped me out of my little daydream. I took my earbuds out and stared at the boy who had just hopped in the driver's seat.

"Your eye looks a little bruised," I commented and leaned in towards him. No kidding, the area around his eye was swollen and red. Parts of it were already turning purple. "And your cheek is bleeding really bad, what happened?"

"Ah, really? I was wondering why it hurt," he laughed, "I originally wasn't going to beat him up, but he was asking for it."

"What were you going to do then?" I inquired with surprise laced in my voice.

"Well, I keyed his car. Ended up carving a penis too before he showed up," the boy smiled proudly. "Don't worry about the repercussions; as much as my father hates me, he'll deal with it anyways. And it's worse on his part."

I held in my laughter, imagining Archer drawing a dick on the side of somebody's car as an act of revenge. "How was it worse?"

"Motherfucker pulled out a knife, right in the middle of the school fucking parking lot," he explained with a small laugh, "yeah, he barely scraped me before I got the knife away from him."

"That explains the cheek, I'm guessing," I murmured, gently pressing my head against the uninjured side of his cheek as I examined the injuries. He placed his hand over my hand and I knew instantly that he was staring at me.

     "I can probably clean and bandage it up if you have-"

     His other hand lifted my chin up and he gave me a soft kiss. Our lips lingered against each other's for a moment before we pulled away. He was smiling like a mad man before whispering. "God, you're so beautiful. And so fucking perfect."

     Somehow all of my worries washed away in that moment. I leaned over further before kissing him again. It was not as gentle this time; fire coursed through my veins as we continued like the entire world didn't exist anymore. His lips against mine. Mine against his. That's all that mattered. His tongue went across my lip and I almost immediately opened my mouth to let it enter. He grabbed the back part of my hair and leaned deeper into the kiss. And once it ended, I felt myself yearning for it all over again.

     I leaned my head against his chest, closing my eyes as I felt the subtle beat of his racing heart. I was thankful for the mostly empty parking lot now as I just processed what had happened. All of my worries seemed to float away.

     "Archer?" I whispered.

     "Hm?" He was caressing my hair now.

      "I don't want to rush in too fast but. . ." I trailed off, not knowing if what I was about to say would be the right thing to say. ". . . I really do think that I love you. And— and it's different from what I felt with him. This— this feels so real. And it's terrifying, just how easily you could slip away. It's terrifying how real this feels and how much I want this to last forever. We're only in high school; we have our entire lives ahead of us. But— but I really feel like we could make it. I mean, it's only the first month of us dating, maybe I'm looking too close into it. I just— I don't know."

     "I want this to last forever too, darling," he murmured, "even if this is just the beginning. I'd spend my forever with you, okay? Only you."

     I felt content from his words. It was something I hadn't felt in what seemed like forever ago. Hope for the future. Hope that I could actually change for the better and not have to be bothered by my past. By my fears and past memories. All of it, I felt like I could do it. Maybe it was because Archer had always been there with me but I felt like I was changing for the better myself as well. I felt stronger, more confident in my words. But with him, I felt practically invincible.

     "And Irene?" he called. I let out a small hum to tell him that I was listening.

     "I think that I might love you too."

—
yada yada sappy stuff cause im entirely single now and i miss relationships and might be manifesting a relationship like this through this book.

anyways.

qotd: pee or poop?

me personally, i'm a poop kinda fan