17. apologies and emptiness

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THE LOOK ON my mom's face was nothing like I expected it to be. Her worried eyes suddenly turned relieved once she saw me at the front door. It felt abnormal for her to seem like she cared that much about me. Years of her continuously coming home too drunk to even talk properly or not coming home at all can't be washed away by one relieved look on her face.

"Irene," my mom's voice was filled with relief as she abruptly wrapped her arms around me to bring me in for a hug. "I'm so sorry."

Her voice sounded too genuine to be true. Shaky. Filled with sorrow. Like it was somehow perfectly rehearsed but at the same time, it sounded like she truly meant it. Real. It entirely didn't make any sense, but how could it? Someone doesn't just change overnight— I couldn't just accept the fact that she wants to care about me now. How could I let her? Did she even deserve to love me? Did I deserve her love? It was all too confusing for me to process in my mind.

"You two come in. It's cold outside," she ushered us into the house. Things were a little tidier than when I originally left, and I couldn't help but glance at Archer who gave me a small smile. It was nice to have his reassurance.

"Joseph isn't here right now. He had to go find some specific stuffed elephant for his kid," the lady informed us— mostly me. The fact that my mom was talking to somebody who was a father surprised the ever living shit out of me. I couldn't help but think about my dad. Would he approve of this? Would he have approved of the ongoing years of her grieving over him? He was my father and I didn't even know him well enough to know these things.

     I don't think I realized how much it hurt until now. I had to face it now; I feel like I've been running away all of this time.

     "It's nice to meet you, Miss Anderson," Archer greeted my mom as he took off his shoes before standing back by my side. I didn't bother to move though I knew we were bound to be here for a while.

     "It's nice to meet you as well. And please, just call me Katherine," she smiled with more hospitality than I thought she had. "Who might you be?"

     "My name's Archer Everton, ma'am," he replied. I glanced at him and he gave me a mischievous look before speaking, "I'm Irene's boyfriend."

     I almost lost my shit. I opened my mouth to protest but decided not to say anything from the surprised, yet joyful figure standing in front of us. As much as I hated her, I liked seeing her happy— not that I've seen much of it. I wasn't entirely sure why I was being so forgiving in my mind; was she not the lady that had neglected me for years when it was her duty to take care of me? Was I always this forgiving in the first place? Come to think of it, I was never truly been able to hold a grudge against somebody for longer than a week.

     "Please, you two have a seat in the living room. Would either of you like anything to drink?" she had a motherly tone in her voice. It made me want to shudder.

     I shook my head while Archer gave her a polite "no" before sitting next to me on the couch. The living room looked like it had been cleaned up quite a bit, though there were still many stains on the carpet from either my mom's alcohol or some other substance. The small television we had stood on a wooden stand that looked a little less than sturdy. I usually avoided the living room whenever I went home and when I did go into it, it was never long enough for me to actually take in the entire room.

     The walls were the same light blue color as when we first moved in here, but now the colors seemed so much duller, and I wasn't sure if it was due to the years of neglect or from the atmosphere of it all. Dad was still alive when we first moved here. A few old paintings I made in elementary school were framed and hanging on the wall, along with family photos of which some I didn't even remember my parents taking and a baby photo of me. The two gray couches were a little luckier than the floor with them only having a few stains they had to sustain over the years.

     "Irene," my mom called my name out as she sat down on the other couch. Her face was soft as she spoke, "do want to talk— just you and me?"

     "No, no, it's fine," I told her, squeezing Archer's hand tightly. I wasn't sure if I could face her alone.

     "I'm so sorry for what happened these past six years. You truly didn't deserve it, and I'm sorry that I had to put you through that. When Jonathan died in the car crash—" she nodded at first, her voice started to waver as she went on, tears brimming her eyes, "— I didn't know how to handle it. I still remember it like yesterday, the day I got the call that he was in the hospital in fatal condition. It still haunts me to this day and I feel like if I just did something differently, I could've saved him. Somehow, if I just didn't tell him to go to work that day. If I just ushered him to stay home, he would still be here. Fuck, you were only eleven years old and I couldn't even take care of you when he passed away. I spent the last six years trying to get rid of the pain, but I only made it worse. Everything around me started to fall apart. Drink after drink and I would still feel miserable. Going to the job I loved so much didn't even feel enjoyable anymore.

     "I should've stopped when I things didn't get better, I know," she looked down at her hands and I saw tear drops fall down to her lap. Her words were softer now. More fragile and on the verge of breaking. "Things were so hard for me. And for you. I'm not trying to justify what I did. I know that you can't forgive me for the last six years of suffering that I caused you. I have so much regret, Irene, I truly do. If only your father were still alive. If only I did better at taking care of you. If only I didn't go around and sleep with guys when I knew nothing good would come from it. If only I didn't get drunk every morning and night. If only I had been there for you when you needed me most. If only I paid enough attention to see that you were suffering just as much as I was. God, I wish I had done things differently. I wish and I hope and I pray, but I still don't know what to do. I don't deserve your forgiveness, I know. I'm so sorry I burdened you. I want to make things better, but I still feel so utterly lost. I am so sorry, Irene."

     Her back was leaned over as her hands were covering her face now, trying to hide the tears that kept pouring down like a waterfall. As I tried to process everything that she had said, I felt incredibly numb. I didn't even feel the urge to cry. Should I hug her? Console her and tell her that my dad's death wasn't her fault? Did I even have it in me to forgive her? I knew the answer to that, but was I ready to? Six years and now here we are. In the living room as my mom poured her heart out while I was completely numb. This wasn't how I pictured this to go.

     I was just as lost as she was.

     I opened my mouth to say something— anything. No words came out. All of the confidence that I had with confronting my mom melted away in an instant, and my first instinct was to run away. I was never the one to face my problems head on. I always ran away from them because I knew deep in my mind that I wasn't strong enough. Maybe I got that from my mom.

     I suddenly stood up and started to head for the door. I couldn't stand another minute in that house with her.

     "Irene!" Archer called my name out but I was already leaving the building I called my home. I didn't bother to shut the door nor check if either of the two were following. I just had to get away. I wasn't ready to face my problems. I didn't know if I'd ever be ready to.

     A pair of arms wrapped around me from the back, and that was all it took for me to break down on the concrete sidewalk. I couldn't help but stare at the ground as the tears came rushing down my face. It was gray and looked like it'd been here for decades. There were tiny cracks and a couple ants scurried around. I sat down, now directing my attention to my dirtied white shoes that I've had for forever. Anything to distract me from what happened. As the tears escaped my eyes, the feeling of emptiness rapidly increased.

     "Darling," the familiar voice whispered to me as he rubbed circles on my back. "I know you feel incredibly alone right now, but you don't have to face this by yourself. I will always be here every step of the way with you."

     All I could do was nod.

"Can you promise me something?"

Silence.

"Please promise me that you won't face this alone. You don't have to."

The problem was that I couldn't face it even if I tried to. Not by myself, not with Archer. Not with anybody.

"I'm not strong enough." My voice came out as a whisper. "I can't do it. I just can't."

"Okay," he replied gently, "you've done enough for the day. I understand, okay? But the fact that you were able to confront her in the first place shows that you are strong enough."

"I still can't."

No words were spoken after that. The soft rustling of trees as the gentle breeze went by was the only sound I could hear apart from my hiccuping and sniffling as I tried to calm myself down. It went on like this for a few more minutes before I had finally collected myself together again. It seemed like a endless cycle of me falling apart and trying to bring myself together again, and I wasn't sure how much longer I could take it.

     "School's tomorrow," I sighed, changing the subject. "You think Mrs. Harrison is gonna make me keep tutoring you?"

"Hey, I got a B on that test," he told me and I just knew he was grinning from behind me. I wiped my eyes before turning around, my butt still on the ground. "Even if she does, that doesn't mean we can't hang out. You still don't want to be seen with me?"

"Well," I paused for a moment to think, "I don't think I care about the possible rumors anymore."

"So what you're telling me is that you want a ride to school tomorrow?" he gave me a smirk. "Perfect."

"What about Amy?" I questioned, a little strike of jealousy going through me.

"She can find someone else to fake date," he shrugged. "I think I only want you now."

"You think?"

"Sorry, babe. I know," he flashed another sly smirk.

"Does that mean we're dating?" I eyed him for a moment before he shook his head with a smile.

"No, I didn't ask you out," he replied with a hum of joy.

"Are you going to make me ask you out?"

"No, Miss Anderson," he responded happily, "if you do, I'll just turn you down."

"So you don't want to date me?" I furrowed my eyebrows, more confused than offended or hurt.

"I didn't say that!" His gasp was very much so exaggerated.

"You implied it," I glared at him as I responded.

"I did not," he retorted. "Just wait, Miss Impatient."

"Wait for what?"

He just gave me a smile in response to my question, leaving me even more confused. "Friday night. You're coming with me."

"What do you m-" I was cut off by Archer putting his index finger against my lips.

"Just wait. You're too curious," he sighed sarcastically. "Let's get some ice cream to liven up this cold weather."

Despite his illogical brain, it was crazy to me how easily he could lift the mood up. I laughed at his comment and nodded before getting up and wiping the pebbles off my ass. It's odd— I used to hate winter because of the dead trees and the coldness of it all, but he somehow made it to where I could like anything as long as he liked it as well. It was bewildering considering how much I've hated being cold all of my life.

But as we walked back to his car, I realized I had no issue being cold as long as I was cold with him.

yooo what the fuck another update? and it didn't take two months? i'm crazy shittt ! no but seriously i only finished this chapter because i cant sleep and it's 5 am. nobody is awake. i am so bored.

anyways i hope you guys liked this chapter lolol i back on my bullshit to where i have no idea what the plot is like.. i have a small idea of what i'm going to do but i'm just rolling with whatever comes in my mind first yup but hopefully it all works out in the end LMAO

qotd: not a question but tell me a lil secret that no one else knows

aotd: i will go first. i dislike some of the music that my boyfriend plays/tells me to listen to and when i listen to them i tell him that i like them. i do not have the heart to tell him that part of his music taste sucks.

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