Deadpool: Fucking Y/n

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I have zero self control and patience for season four.

~
With a light groan, your eyes opened. White greeted you from above your bed.

"Hello there, Kinkster."

"OHMYGOD IT'S A REPUBLICAN!!!!!" You snapped up, slamming your head into theirs.

"Ow! Shit! Fuck!"
You jumped to the other side of the room like a crazed spider—

"SPIDER-MAN?!?!"

"What—?! No! He and I look nothing alike! We are so different!"
You blinked. Once. Twice.

"Are you though?"

"Yes! Like for instance, I'm still with Marvel."
You proceeded to beat the shit out of him.

"HOLY SHIT! OW! FUCK!! AHH TITTY SPRINKLES!!! AHH PETER DINKLAGE!!"

"What are you doing here Wade?" You asked after you taped him to your wall using six rolls of duck tape.

"Well, you see—you know who Colossus is, right?" He asked. You tilted your head.

"That chivalrous motherfucker?"
He nodded.

"Uh-huh. So, basically I was feeling him up, because I need my daily iron intake, and those buns of steel are irresistible. But someone interrupted that beautiful moment, and it definitely wasn't Colossus manhandling me."
You rose a brow.

"... well that's not the strangest thing I've heard."
Deadpool laid himself spread across your desk in a 'paint me like one of your French girl' poses.

"How the fuck did you get out of the tape?"

"Plot armor, sweetass."

"Okay, whatever it is you're smoking, I want some."

"No drugs, just some sweet bullet-ridden, tumor-spreading body love."
You sighed and sat on your bed.

"What do you want?" You asked begrudgingly, crossing you arms.

"Ooh..." Deadpool turned towards the screen and is staring directly at you. "Baby's got spice."

"Well, you see, something happened that I'm not entirely sure of, but what I am sure of, is that they need to die. And one of my twelve bullets better impale them. And if they don't, I'll penetrate them myself—I mean impale."
You raised a brow.

"Your dick?"

"My dick."
You sighed.

"Why do you need my help?" You asked. He swung his legs and jumped in front of you.

"Well you see, one of the asspickles from your world managed to crawl into my timeline—even though I can barely keep track of it."
Your brows furrowed together.

"And what did this asspickle look like?" You asked, standing up.

"The usual edgy, goth millennial kid who listens to My Chemical Romance and knows the beginning keys to Welcome To The Black Parade," he explained, unwrapping a chimichanga that mysteriously appeared.

"... black hair, edgy side-sweep, says 'rawr' a lot?" You asked. He pointed the chimichanga at you.

"I have absolutely no idea what that looks like, but it sounds about right."
You nodded and pursed your lips.

"Great. So we're dealing with the embodiment of Tumblr. Great. Okay." You sighed, rubbing your head. "So what do we do? How do we get to your timeline?"

"Well, you know what they say." Wade walked up to you and slung his arm around your shoulder. "Three heads are better than one."

"And you use neither of them," you retorted, swatting his arm away.

"Well that's okay, because Miss Author can just take us there, riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight~?"

Don't push your luck, Wade.

"Sorry."

Fuck you.

"Awe, thanks! But you're a liiiiiitle young for me. I go more for the cougars than the scandalous high school girls."

I'll kill you.

"We both know you can't!"

I'll make you want to die.

"Oh ho honey! I've been wanting to die for ages! I've had brushes with death—and let me say her body is amazing~!"

"Girl same," you said from the corner.

"Hey!" Wade pointed his finger at you. "No stealing my girl!"

Just get on with the plot already.

"Suit yourself! Teleport us, telekinesis-wielding east-Asian girl!"

I regret writing this.

"Woah..." You said, looking around. You were teleported in the middle of the freeway in America. "This is cool—HOLY MOTHERFUCKER OF SHIT!!!" You jumped out of the way just in time to avoid a 16-wheeler.

"Better be careful there. There are a lot of ass fiddlers on these roads," Wade said, swinging his legs from his place on the dividers.

"No shit, you vaginal leakage."

"Ooh! How arousing."
You rolled your eyes and gestured with your hand.

"Let's go find this My Chemical Romance loving, Tumblr blogging, edgy goth already."

"Sure thing, tinier version My Chemical Romance loving, Tumblr blogging, edgy goth." Wade hopped off and began to skip after you. "So what can you do? You know, besides using drugs as your mental weapon and alcohol bottles as your melee weapon."

"I can mimic animals and copy their abilities—MIMIC THEIR GODDAMN ABILITIES—BECAUSE FOR SOME REASON!1!1!1! PEOPLE THINK I TURN INTO THE FUCKING ANIMALS!!!"

"That's rough. So... can you do a T-rex or a big ass whale?" He asked, leaning in front of you.

"I only mimic animals that would help me in a fight. So yes, technologically I can choose to do those two."

"Ooh, fun! Does that power help your... in-bed abilities?" He whispered in your ear.

"Fuck off, Rumpleforeskin." You pressed your middle finger into his face.

"I have you know I got circumcised! And then it grew back—but whatever!!"

"Hey!" You turned around and pressed your finger into his chest. "I like dicks just as much as the next person, so do me a favor. If you see the enemy, unzip your fly and wave that shit around like it's a sprinkler."

"Do what now with who now?"

"Do a mating dance or some shit. Distract them." You pulled away and continued to walk down the freeway. Then you noticed something strange. And no, it wasn't a doctor.

"Where's all the cars—HOLY MOTHER OF CHRIST WHAT IS THAT?!?!" You were looking at... something, you didn't know what it was.

"That's, what some may call, a child," Wade explained.

"That's no child..." You said, squinting your eyes. "I fear no man... but that thing..."

"It scares me..."

"Who just leaves a giant hydro flask in the middle of the roaAAAAADDDD!!!!!"
One of the friendship bracelets came to life and grabbed Wade by his waist. He was chucked into one of the large highway signs.

"Wade!" You exclaimed.

"Sksskskskskkssk..."

"Rawrrrr *nuzzle* XD."

You froze like a deer in the headlights. Slowly, you turned.

'Oh dear lord of grace have mercy.' Standing hip to hip, was a VSCO girl, and the My Chemical Romance loving, Tumblr blogging, edgy goth.

"Skskskskskskskksskksks." The VSCO girl nuzzled her head against the My Chemical Romance loving, Tumblr blogging, edgy goth's neck.

"Rawr means 'I love you in' dinosaur XDD."

"Oh dear god... their power is far beyond mine..."
There was a loud clunk, the sound of metal, like a VSCO girl brandishing her metal straw #SaveTheTurtles.

"So how are we going to beat these two cockgobblers' brains out?" Wade appeared next to you, rolling out his neck. Your face suddenly became serious. JoJo's Bizarre Adventure serious.

"We beat them at their own gimmick."

~
"Romeo, o Romeo! Where for art thou Romeo?" Wade called from above the highway, a dress hugging his figure. You rolled in on your skateboard, popping some gum.

"Do you vape?"

"That gent wast a skat'r knave, the lady hath said seeth thee lat'r knave!"
You narrowed your eyes at Wadiet.

"Bro, what kinda *add slightly misogynistic name here* are you?"

"I wisheth f'r thee to popeth yond gum in mine own rampallian, mine own lief Romeo!" Wadiet fluttered his eyes underneath his mask.

"Sorry, but you're not my type. Become a cheerleader or join a sorority and maybe you'll have the honor of some dick pics, hahahaaaaa..." You bit your lip, rubbing your hands together like you're a Soundcloud rapper desperate for clout.

"Prithee, romeo! Penetrate mine own behind with thy longeth, hard chisel'd peni!" Wadiet reached out to you, a pleading tone to his voice.

"Nah brah." You breathed out a literal cloud. A cloud so big it had its own environment and weather. It also smelt like bubblegum. "I gotta crack open a cold one with the boys. Saturday's are for the boys. Bros before hoes."
Wadiet pulled out a gun.

"Receiveth thy rampallian ov'r h're and maketh sweet loveth to me."

Meanwhile, the My Chemical Romance loving, Tumblr blogging, edgy goth hissed out in loathing and anguish. The VSCO girl just 'skksksks' while hugging her hydro flask to her chest.

"And to think, sksksksksks, I was going to, sksksksksksk, give you a friendship bracelet! Skskskskksskskks."

"Let's go babe... the Dark Overlord Gerard Way wouldn't want this for us." The My Chemical Romance loving, Tumblr blogging, edgy goth led the VSCO girl away from the scene. The giant hydro flask fell over, creating a sonic boom.

"WOAH-LLY FUCK!!!" You exclaimed, shielding your face with your arms. When the shock wave died down, the hydro flask and friendship bracelets was no where to be found.

"Well." You stood up and shook your hands out. "I think we accomplished our mission, don't you think?" Wade appeared next to you, no longer in a dress.

"I still wanteth thee to penetrate mine own butthole."

"No, and stop talking like that."

~Few days later~

[There should be a GIF or video here. Update the app now to see it.]










I need to stop


Ja ne!

{Ruby Red}

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