¤Chapter 20¤

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¤Chapter Twenty¤

"So he's really back, huh?" Angie briefly shifted her attention from her laptop to me, trying to examine my condition no doubt.

I threw myself back on the pillows with a confirming a grown. When did this simple life I recreated for myself become so twisted again? The ride back to school in Jace's car was silent and awkward to say the least. The intensity of our struggle in the sand at the beach followed by his revelation that my worst enemy is his bestfriend changed the atmosphere between us from tolerable to hostile. At least on my end. 

Any friend of Todd is my enemy.

"But Jace..." Amy looked up dreamily from her textbook, her thick curls looked a bit deflated today. Maybe because of cheer practice or maybe her disappointment is able to travel through each individual strand. Knowing her, both are very likely. "I was kinda rooting for him"

I rose a brow. "I thought you were 'rooting' for Owen since you don't seem to mind sending him in my direction every chance you get"

"Well," She crossed her arms. "There's no reason you can't have both." 

I leaned up from my position, resting on my elbows for balance. We all gaped at her, bulging eyes and all. More precisely, Angie and Sam gaped while I stared with contempt. My mouth opened to speak but Sam beat me to it, "Good to know you think so highly of our dear Madi. Two guys at once? Jeez."

"Relax, I'm only joking," Amy pouted then muttered under her breath. "It would still be nice though"

"I feel like I should have known" I gripped my head in frustration, slightly squeezing the scalp beneath. There's no use entertaining Amy's lewd suggestion even for a second so I don't bother to. She needs a cleanse, clearly, and I'm no priestess. Also, she's wrong. It's not like I'm a contestant on some dating show, neither guy interest me in the way she hopes.

"He used to mention Jason all the time —occasionally referring to him as Jace." I continued. "We were never formally introduced but they practically lived together like roommates. Jace would leave as soon as I arrive and be back once I'm gone" My face scrunched up from frustration and deep thoughts. I was mostly talking to myself now. "I tried to forget all my memories with him and it seems those associated got overlooked as well, even someone as close as a brother..."

"Hey," Angie shifted to her knees from her position on my bedroom floor and placed her hands over mine. "Don't beat yourself up over it Madi, everyone copes differently. You forgot Jace, so what?"

"Yeah." Amy agreed, mindlessly twisting the cap on her highlighter. "Plus, you said he didn't really go by Jace back then so no one could have known." Everyone nodded in agreement and she added more animatedly, "I mean, that hunk went to our school and we didn't notice!"

I can't say I have the best memory but as long as the person doesn't experience some kind of drastic change, I should remember them. Their height or even voice might change but key features wouldn't. The look behind their eyes, choice of diction, personal characteristics, and physical capabilities, I should know all of it —I should remember all of it, even if we barely spoke.

I dismissed Todd from my mind but I still remember his presence. I remember how he took control of a room; he became the commander. I remember his obsidian gaze, cool composure, low yet modulated voice, sturdy hands —I remember it all. The memories reappear in flashbacks periodically, almost as if I'm daydreaming except those moments are neither fake nor pleasant.

 Sometimes it happens often, other times it seems to be nonexistent altogether. When I hear his name, it triggers something in me so I try to avoid saying it out loud. Everything rushes back to me at once and I lose control of myself. Recently, almost anything reminds me of him and as a result, my friends are forced to walk on eggshells around me in hopes that I'm not dragged back into the past. They don't complain but I don't want them involved if I can avoid it.

When Jace mentioned Todd's name earlier I felt nothing. No anger, no pain —nothing. To me, it felt as normal as my love for Oden. This indifference is similar to when he called my full name. I don't understand how his rash behavior has no effect on me at all.

 Is it because he's not as connected to me like the people in this town? We were pretty distant considering he was so close to the prick. I'm not the bad guy here, his voice rang loud and clear in my mind. Then who is? Why is he really here?

My heart contracted as the questions continued to build up. Jace's arrival has set something into place, I just don't know what. I'm not sure how long I've been silently brooding but I'm grateful the atmosphere is still the same. I glanced at my friends apologetically, "Girls...I need to be alone."

They shared a look with each other, failing to conceal their concern for me. Finally, Sam stood and said, "Let's go bitches" Her usual flare and gusto was gone.

"Yeah...we, uh, have practice" Angie stood and gathered her things. I didn't mention they already had practice earlier today and actually showed up to my house later than usual because of it. Amy squeezed my shoulder gently and they all left quietly.

I stood at the sound of their vehicles leaving the driveway. Light shone through the window across my bed, taunting me. I'm physically surrounded by light outside but on the inside, the darkness is almost suffocating. At the beginning of the school year I felt...calm. Serene. At peace. But it was the sort of calm that kept me on edge, anticipating what's to come.

Owen once implied that Madison was still inside me somewhere. Jace reaffirmed that. Now, I know for sure they're both right. Jace doesn't know Madi, he's only just met her, but he saw the rise and fall of Madison. He knew how I was before I met Todd —everyone at school did— and he saw how it affected me thereafter. My full transformation took place after they graduated and skipped town so his memories are of a giddy girl having the time of her life with someone she thought was the one. 

How stupid I must have looked to him. To everyone. That bright bubbly girl is still here but she's in hiding because of fear. She's terrified of the world and people who have been nothing but harsh to her, people who took advantage of her naivete. I balled my fists. That's why I feel so torn now, things are changing and she's scared, again.

The tiny bit of light hiding within my sea of darkness became stagnant and fleeting but now it's starting to shift. That's how I felt when I first met Owen. His body showed fear but his eyes promised things I didn't dare consider, promises that made the light want to expand due to his intrepidity. I got a second dose of that when he kissed me. 

This time, that small light blazed like a raging wildfire, sending warmth throughout my entire body. It made me soft and weak, a feeling I don't care to ever embrace therefore that 'light' needs to be snuffed out. I won't allow it to dictate my actions. 

I stumbled to the bathroom and stared at my reflection in the rectangular mirror. My eyes were glossy and like a monochrome, it seemed as if all the color had drained from my face.  Everything from my expression to room I'm in turned dull as I looked ahead, completely dazed. My current state is too venerable for comfort. 

Whenever I start thinking about my past or locked away emotions, a bit of despair always manages seep through so anyone can see. Other than my parents, there's only two people that have seen this helpless side of me no matter how much I tried to hide or prevent it.

 One is so pure he actually makes me want to hope for —wish for— happiness. The other not only reads me like a book, but my tactics don't seem faze him one bit. He takes whatever I throw at him, accepts it gracefully, then throws something back in return. We're a constant cycle of back and forth, never stopping, and never giving in.

I focus on the bold red streaks in my raven hair until the vehement contrast brought color back into my surroundings. My hand trembled against the ivory sink before I ran my fingers through my trademark style. Madison is too weak, I thought, I still have to get stronger. Like a catchy song, this replays in my head while I will myself to let the darkness win. Keeping everyone out is the best safety precaution for heartache and pain.  

I closed my eyes and allowed the protective fortress that was beginning to crumble around me strengthen once more. There is no hope, there is no light —not for me. Stuff like that is a mirage one only notices when it's too late. The streaks serves as a reminder of my personal torment; look what happened the last time I allowed the light to win. 

When the reality of my naivete finally set in, it crushed me completely. People get hurt all the time but this one ran deep. These two carmine stripes symbolize that. Where there's love there's pain and I've just about had enough of both.

When I zeroed in on my reflection again the ferocity was back. I can't foolishly let myself be hurt again. Madison might not be dead but similar to Jace, I've changed. I'm different now. I've given up on love, light, and that happiness B.S., that's all behind me. Sure, the tables are turning —I can feel it. The chips are falling into to place and I'm ready for them, regardless of how many are waiting for me.

Bring it on.

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A/N: Can you all empathize with Madi or do you think she should just move on already?




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