Chapter 36

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Olivia

I held Jason tightly for nearly an hour in an attempt to calm him down. He was sweating profusely as anxiety writhed through him in a way I had never seen before. His hair was sticky and damp, clinging to his forehead as he tried to slow his breathing.

After he had calmed down, I waited a moment before speaking so I wouldn't risk triggering another round of panic.

"Jason, you don't have to answer or talk at all if you're not ready." I started carefully, brushing his hair back from his face. "But can you maybe tell me what's going on...and why you're like this right now, baby? What's causing it? I just want to help."

Jason stayed silent for a minute, his eyes jotting across the room as if he were searching for the words he needed. "I feel crazy." He blurted out, prompting me to pull my brows together in confusion.

I watched as his face distorted into an expression of agony.

"Crazy?"

"I-I mean, I feel like I did when I was a kid. All the trauma..." He trailed off, squeezing his eyes shut before reopening them, focusing on nothing in particular.

"What do you mean, Jase?" I asked, growing concerned.

Sitting upright on the bed, I watched as Jason rolled onto his back, staring at the white ceiling above. He parted his lips to speak, glancing in my direction as he did so. The anguish in his oceanic eyes was soul-wrenching. It made my heart fall to the pit of my stomach.

"I just, I don't understand why I reacted like this. I thought I was over it, Liv. I thought I moved on."

"From what, baby?"

"I-I got a text from...from my-" He cut himself off as if saying whatever word came next would burn his tongue like wildfire.

He squeezed his eyes shut once more, and more sweat beads appeared at his hairline.  "My dad." He spat, venom lisped in his tone.

"Jason..." I trailed off, growing confused. "I thought he had no contact with you since you were a teenager...what?"

"Yeah." He stated coldly. "He's been trying to track me down for about six months now...and he finally did it. He knows I stay in New York. He knows where I work..." He choked out, his voice shaking with fright. "Just him...him reaching out and contacting me made me completely shut down Olivia. I shut down so I wouldn't have to feel, and when I couldn't push out the feelings anymore, this is what happened. This is what used to happen to me on almost a daily basis when I was younger. These panic attacks..." He trailed off, shaking his head. "I thought I was over it. I thought I was better, and just like that, with a single paragraph, he fucks up all the effort I made to push him to the deepest part of my mind."

I stared down at him, not sure what exactly to say. I'd never seen him so distraught, and I had no words. I almost felt useless. The only thing I knew to do was hold him as tightly as I could.

"It was like the entire first thirteen years of my life with him flooded my head vividly, and all at once."

"W-what did he say to you?" I asked in a whisper. 

Jason pulled out his phone and handed it to me.

"Read it." He said, opening the text thread. "I don't even want to look at it again."

My  heart raced as my eyes scanned across the phone screen, reading the lengthy paragraph that Jason's father left him:

Jason, it's been over a decade since I've seen or heard from you, son. I've been searching for you far and wide for the last six months, and I think I've got the correct number. I can only tell you in so many words how sorry I am for the way I treated you and your mother. I owe you an apology in person...which is why I've booked a ticket to New York for next week to talk to you and look you in the eyes when I tell you how regretful I am. About two years after you all left, I  went to rehab for my drinking problem, and I got sober. I've been sober ever since, and I've wanted to make things right with you, but I didn't know how. I have so much to say, and I've been so scared that I'd never get the chance to reach out to you. My wife, and son, your brother, have been encouraging me to try...I owe it to them for the changes I've made and for leading me back to you. So here I am trying, son. I want to make things right with you if you'll allow me to. I'll be looking forward to seeing you next week. My flight is on Monday. I'd like to buy you a drink. Think about it between now and then. Even if I don't hear back from you, I'll be there. I'll send you my location and wait for you to show up. You'll always be my boy, and I hope you can look beyond the past enough to have a conversation with me.

Dad.

"Jase..."

"Yeah." He scoffed, pinching the bridge of his nose. "He didn't say anything awful...It's the mere fact that he reached out to me at all, asking me to meet up with him...to look past the absolute torture he put my mom and I through...how the hell do I look past that, Olivia?" He jeered, his face now filled with anger instead of gloom. "How do I look past getting physically abused almost every single day since before I could even walk? How do I look past watching my mother be degraded and disrespected for thirteen years? How do I look past not having the father figure I needed so badly when I was a little boy?"

Jason breathed heavily as he ranted, his eyes watering as he continued.

"And now he wants to tell me that he has a whole new family...a new son, a son that was worth sobering up for. Well why wasn't I worth it?" He choked out, fighting back tears. "What is so wrong about me? Why did he hate me when all I did was love him and hope that one day he would love me back?"

As I watched Jason break down before my eyes, my heart shattered to pieces. Despite knowing of his past, I believed him when he said he wasn't bothered by it anymore. He made it so believable that I don't think anyone knew he was holding all of this inside. He didn't even know himself.

"Baby." I breathed out, staring deeply into his eyes. "You have always been worth it. It's on your father if he couldn't see that you are worth all the love in the world." I emphasized, stroking his stubble-coffered cheek. "You deserved a better childhood, a better father...It's not your fault that you didn't get that, and it has nothing to do with your worth, because you are so valuable, Jason." I teared up as I watched a tear slip from his eye.

"It hurts." He whispered, shaking his head. "He went off and made the family I always wanted, he gave them the love I always wanted."

"But you got the family you needed." I whispered, running my fingers across his rigid jawline. "Hannah, your mom, and your pop, those are the people you need." I reassured him, wiping away his tears. "They love you so much. Your fire family loves you. Cassie, Russ, and the baby love you. "Even my parents love you, Jase." I told him, holding his hand snug in mine. "You already know how much I love you. God willing, we will build a perfect little family together filled with love someday."

"You're right, Liv." He rustled, nodding his head. "I know you're right. I just-I don't feel it right now. That man had a spell on me, making me believe that I was unlovable for my entire childhood, and I'm feeling it all over again right now. He's triggered something bad in me. Years of keeping it all suppressed have finally come to a hedge."

I ran my fingers through his hair, not interested in talking as I just wanted Jason to get everything out while he was being open. The last thing I wanted to do was to talk too much and have him shut down again.

"I'm just feeling so many different things...." He trailed off, looking up into my eyes.

I nodded my head as my fingers trailed down his cheeks warm cheek.

"It's overwhelming, all of this. I mean, I could have gone my entire life without hearing from him again...it's been a decade, what's there to say?"

"You don't have to talk to him ever again if you don't want to, Jase. Everything communication-wise should be on your terms, not his. He doesn't deserve that. He forfeited the right to behave as if you owe him even an ounce of obedience after all that he's done."

Jason nodded knowingly. "I agree...He dared to say he was going through things, so he couldn't be the best dad." He chuckled scornfully. "Couldn't be the best dad? What an understatement. He kicked my ass like I was a stranger off the street almost daily. Daily, Olivia. He ruined me." 

"He did not ruin you." I asserted, looking him directly in the eyes.

As I continued, his glossy cobalt orbs scanned mine. "You didn't let him. You could have easily gone down the wrong path, but you didn't. Instead, you became someone who helps others, who cares about others, and who loves with his entire heart. Don't ever think any differently."

"But it's all because I have to try so hard to keep that dark side of me hidden. It's all with a motive, Olivia. Don't you see it?"

"I think you love me free of motives." I shrugged. "So that's simply untrue. I've said it before, and I'll say it again, Jason. You are not your father. You could never be him."

He stayed silent, taking in what I was saying as I continued to caress his cheek tenderly. My eyes never left his face, watching as his worried expression dissolved slowly.

"I do love you, genuinely...." He dawdled off, nodding his head. "You're right about that."

"I love you too Jason, everyone around you loves you." I reminded him, holding his hand tightly in mine. "You're going to get through this, okay? We're going to get through it together, whatever it takes."

Jason shut his eyes for a moment, squeezing my hand in his before bringing it to his lips and placing a tender kiss on the back of it.

"I'm sorry I was so mean to you earlier."

"You're human, baby. It's okay," I assured him. "I completely understand...this is all heavy. I mean, I think you might benefit from counseling even." I suggested, searching his face for an adverse reaction but instead received an intrigued one. "What do you think?"

"At this point, I don't think it would hurt. Clearly, I need some help with letting all of this go if a single text message from him is enough to send me into a major panic attack."

I rubbed my fingers over the sweaty skin of his chest as my lips tugged into a frown. He looked exhausted, with deep bags under his eyes and worry lines on his forehead. I was suddenly feeling incredibly guilty for not pressing harder to get him to sleep with me upstairs. At least I would have been there for him when he woke up in that state.

I knew all too well what it felt like to have a panic attack and be all alone. God only knows how long he was in that state before I came down and saw him.

Leaning down, I pressed a kiss to his cheek before nodding. "Okay, we'll get you set up as soon as we get back to the apartment, okay? I'll even go with you."

"You'd do that?" He asked, gazing up at me with that cherished smile that I so badly needed to see.

Smiling back, I traced the outline of his soft lips with my fingertip, nodding once more. "I'd do anything for you."

"You're my rock, Olivia Owens. I'd be lost in this world without you."

"And you're my windshield, Jase, always protecting me." I smiled, holding out my pinky finger to him. "Always and forever, remember?"

Jason's smile widened as he interlocked our pinkies, pulling mine toward his lips and gently kissing it.

"Can I lay next to you?" I asked, not wanting to cross any boundaries while he was still so on edge.

Jason nodded his head, opening his arm for me, allowing me to snuggle up on his chest. We stayed silent for a few minutes, and I focused on his breathing steadying out as he grew calmer by the second.

"I still don't know what to do about my dad coming to the city...." He spoke up softly as I traced shapes on his rib cage. "I never want to face him again."

"Then let's try and get a restraining order, babe. Anything it takes to make sure you two never cross paths again."

"That sounds like a good idea. Since my pop has a lot of PD connections, I'm sure if I speak to him...and my mom..." He trailed off dreadingly. "We can get it done."

"Okay, good." I nodded, placing my arm across his solid torso.

"That's the only closure I need, to know that we will never see each other again. I mean, he has a new family to worry about anyway, right?" Jason asked. "He should focus on them like he's been doing and stay the hell out of my life. If really he wants to do something good for me, that would be the best thing he could ever do."

I sighed softly, trying to grasp all of what Jason was fighting to internalize. I felt broken just listening to him, so I couldn't even imagine how he was feeling.

As I propped myself up on my elbow, I gazed down at him before leaning in and kissing him gently. When I pulled back, he looked up at me with glossy eyes once more, sending my heart plummeting.

My fingers found themselves tangled in his hair once more, scratching at his scalp lightly.

"You deserve a much better deck of cards than the one you were dealt, sweet boy."

With a sad smile, Jason rested his hand lightly on my cheek, cupping it in his large hand. "I know..." He paused before turning his head toward me, staring into my eyes. "My only gratitude is that the deck I was dealt included you."


(Quick note: I was told by one of my lovely readers that they could not comment on this chapter. From my point of view, my inline comments are turned on but is anyone else unable to comment? Please PM me if so, or if you can and are willing, please respond to this note with a comment! Thank y'all!)

A/N: As always, I appreciate your support for Trust Me. I hope you're all doing great. (:

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