forty three

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A/N: this is one hell of a chapter. long as fuck. don't forget to play the song, you know the drill ;) enjoy!

TRIGGER WARNING!!!
(Mention of suicide + violence)


/THIRD PERSON POV/

"I think they broke up," the woman said, cleaning her knives.

Jungkook snapped his head toward her, frowning, "How do you know?"

Krystal shrugged, "Her eyes look different today. Dull. Sad."

"That doesn't necessarily mean they broke up," Jungkook scoffed.

"I've been watching her for weeks now, Jungkook. She never looked like this. Not even when her father died. And after her one week getaway with Kim? She should be anything but this."

Jungkook bit the inner of his cheek for a moment, processing Krystal's information. "So? Where does this leave us?"

"They're making it easier for us," Krystal smirked, putting the now clean, shiny blade on her desk. She heard Jungkook getting closer until he was right beside her, both staring into the dark sky. "They're weaker when apart."

"So, it's Kim now, right? I can handle her,"

"I know," Krystal said, facing Jungkook. "But after I have my fun with her."

Jungkook frowned, staring down at Krystal who had her signature smile on her face. "What, you think I can't do that?"

"No, I mean, I'm just wondering how. You're not planning to... you know, that, right?" Jungkook asked, a part of him horrified of what Krystal might do to their new suspect — she's still a psycho no matter what.

"No. I'm not in the mood. And if, if I'm ever going to do that, it's going to be right in front of Manoban's face," Krystal said. "I'd love to see her reaction."

Jungkook felt his stomach dropped, but he brushed it off. The thought of Krystal slicing and cutting open —

"I only plan on having this blade on Manoban's neck," Krystal said, disrupting Jungkook's thought. "To have her skin cut open, her blood spilling out from the artery... oh, it's going to be beautiful. And I won't have to clean it ever again. I'm going to wear her blood as a trophy. As a reminder of a great Alpha who died on my hands."

"I'd love to see that, too," Jungkook whispered, his eyes darkening with hatred.

"Anyways, about Kim," Krystal said, reordering her knives from the smallest to biggest. "She's the most vulnerable now. Emotionally, mostly. Kim, just like me, is also a woman. And when a woman is emotionally vulnerable... just a little tap would push her to jump from a cliff. Free fall. To meet her end."

"You sure about that?" Jungkook asked. "I mean, suicide?"

"Not instantly," Krystal shrugged. "But I know her weak spot. Her head. And when I mess with her head..."

Krystal didn't continue, but Jungkook understood. He just nodded at her, a small smile playing on his lips.

Jennie heard the bell rang, and she watched as Kuma immediately ran towards the door and barked excitedly. She frowned, as far as she remembered, she wasn't expecting anyone today. Well, no one knew she's back here except for Lisa.

Wait.

What if it's Lisa standing on the other side of the door? What if because Kuma had memorized her scent, now he's —

"Jennie! Open the damn door!"

Her eyes widened at the voice — Jisoo's. She scrambled to her feet and quickly unlocked the door, revealing Jisoo and Nayeon staring at her. They came inside without much of an invitation from Jennie and before she could say anything, Jisoo turned around to face her.

"You didn't even think of telling us you're back here again?" Jisoo asked, her tone harsh and Jennie flinched.

"Chu," Nayeon said, sighing, but Jisoo ignored her.

Jisoo scoffed, her eyes glaring dangerously. "Is that how it's going to be from now on, Jennie? You cutting us off completely unless you need someone to babysit Kuma for you?"

"Chu, it's not like that," Jennie sighed, wrapping her arms around herself.

"It's not like what? Not like you completely forget about our existence while you're busy fucking Lisa, went home to Auckland with her, all while we're kept in the dark?"

"I'm not busy fucking Lisa, Jisoo. She's not just some —"

"See?" Jisoo laughed humorlessly, cutting Jennie off, and gave Nayeon an 'I told you so' look. "After everything I said, that's the only thing she's going to comment about. It's always Lisa this, Lisa that. I know, okay?! I'm fucking aware that you and Lisa are in a real relationship, but go off, I guess. Go and defend her all you want — because everything else I said wasn't important to you, was it?"

Jennie felt like crying. Or punching the wall. Whichever comes first. She hadn't got enough sleep, and Jisoo was yelling at her, and it hurt her. Deep down, she knew she deserved this, but she wasn't prepared. She wasn't prepared for Jisoo to bluntly call her out like this. Not Jisoo.

"Calm the hell down," Nayeon hissed at Jisoo who was fuming in anger, her eyes fully glaring at Jennie.

"Shut up, Nayeon," Jisoo spat, then turned to Jennie once again. "Do you know how it feels, Jennie? You never called. Not even a text, not even on our group chat, unless you suddenly need someone to look after Kuma while you and Lisa go somewhere only you know. Even when we asked you to hang out, you were always with her. The only person who knew your whereabouts was Chaeyoung. Can you even imagine how annoying it is to know how you're doing from someone else, when you're completely capable of updating us yourself?"

Jennie opened her mouth but Jisoo beat her to it.

"We were here first, Jennie. I don't fucking care if she gives you the whole world on her hands, but you can't treat us like strangers and come back to us only when you need something. Do you understand how selfish you've been, now? I don't even —"

"I know, okay?! I know!" Jennie yelled, tears running down her cheeks. "I know I've been selfish. I know I've been shitty to all of you — to you, Nayeon, Jimin, Taehyung — I know. You don't have to yell at me because I already know and —"

"Great! You knew all this time and you're still —"

"— and I'm sorry!" Jennie shouted, silencing Jisoo. "I-I'm sorry. God, I'm — I-I'm sorry... I'm sorry."

Nayeon glared at Jisoo and cradled Jennie onto her arms, earning a scoff from Jisoo.

"Unbelievable," Jisoo said, looking at Jennie without much of a sympathy. "I'm done here."

When Jisoo was about to reach for the doorknob, Jennie talked again, her voice loud with a sense of urgency that made Jisoo stopped. "I broke up with Lisa,"

Pausing, Jisoo turned around to face Jennie again. "So? Now you need us to deal with your broken heart?"

"I broke up with her because I realize how selfish we've both been. I know I've been unfair to you and I hate myself for it," Jennie sniffled, her eyes pleading for Jisoo to stay. "Please, Chu... I'm sorry." She then turned to Nayeon. "I'm sorry, too. Please, just... stay for today. You can yell at me as much as you want, I-I'll take it. I deserve it, but please don't go. Let me... let me at least try to fix things."

"Fix things? How?" Jisoo raised her brows.

"Jisoo, give her a fucking break," Nayeon hissed, her arms around Jennie protectively.

It made Jennie's tears ran down her face faster. She didn't deserve this. She didn't deserve Nayeon's protection. If anything, she should yell at her, too. That's what she deserved.

She just kept on hurting the people she loved and cared about. She deserved this.

"No," Jennie shook her head. "Stay and say whatever you want. I'll take it, just please stay. Let's... let's talk."

Jisoo scoffed and turned around, reaching for the doorknob, but Jennie couldn't watch her best friend walk out on her without trying to fix things first. So she ran after Jisoo and cupped her face, "Please, Chu. I'm sorry. Don't go," Jennie plead. Then her hands trailed down Jisoo's jaw and rested on her neck, before she crashed onto Jisoo's arms and cried harder. "Stay, Chu. I'm sorry. Forgive me... stay,"

Nayeon watched as Jisoo gulped heavily, then she muttered a faint 'okay' just above a whisper.









"When?" Jisoo asked, her eyes watching Jennie carefully. Now that her anger was starting to die out, she realized how horrible Jennie looked. She was paler, her cheeks weren't as full as they used to be, and her eyes... they weren't as bright.

What the fuck did Lisa do to you?

Jisoo felt her anger escalating, she's certainly going to kill the blonde if she ever get to see her again. She felt some of her anger were also directed towards herself, why did she let Jennie go too far? Now Jennie was pained, and Jisoo hated herself for not trying harder to reach Jennie earlier — who knows, maybe if she did try harder, Jennie wouldn't have to suffer with Lisa up to this point.

I'll kill her for this.

"Last week," Jennie said, sighing. "We were on the plane and she... she sensed that I was hiding something from her. She's always been able to do that. She reads me well. Best." Jennie's lips quirked up in a small smile at the statement, and it looked like she's distracted for a while.

"And then s-she... asked me to talk. So, I talked about it. I told her that I think that we might need some space from each other. We... we had an argument at first... and maybe we had some misunderstanding... but then she let me."

"Let you...?"

And all of a sudden, Jennie cried. "She always lets me. T-that's just her, she — she puts me above everything. Just imagine having that person, the one you care about the most, Chu. You want the best for them, like I want the best for her. But she just — she can't have that while she always puts me before herself. So I had to make her see it, I had to make her see that the most important person in her life has to be herself," Jennie said in between sobs and Jisoo could see how much love existed in the brunette's being for the blonde.

Jennie had seen it all before. How someone could drop everything just because they keep on putting others before themselves. And Jennie had lost that someone, painfully, and never got him back — Jennie lost her dad for the same reason. She couldn't lose Lisa, too.

"I love her," Jennie said again, tears streaming down her face as she said the words over and over again. "I love her. God, I love her. I love her so much. I don't think I could ever love someone t-this much but sh-she's just... Lisa is just..."

"I can't love someone else as much as I love her." Jennie paused to take a deep breath, the next part coming from her just above a whisper. "I don't want to love someone else like I love her."

Nayeon sighed and wrapped an arm around Jennie's shoulders, pulling Jennie to her, and Jennie cried again. "Let it out, Jen," Nayeon whispered. "Let the pain out."

And so, Jennie tried.

She tried to let it out, to let the pain out, but didn't matter how hard she tried to, it's still there. Like a caged creature, clawing the walls of her heart, roaring to be noticed so Jennie would have a reminder of how terribly she had hurt Lisa. Of how she managed to push away the one, the only steady, good thing in her life.

It's for the best.

Even when she's asleep, Lisa was still there holding her, steady breath on the back of her neck. When she woke up, the bed sheet was cold, but she could almost see Lisa giving her her typical lazy morning smile. When she made breakfasts, she could feel Lisa's touch on her waist, the kisses on her neck, and the raspy chuckle when she pretended to be annoyed.

Lisa was there.

She had always been there.

Lisa was this thought in her head, the silent one, the one you constantly tried to push to the back of you mind — and there it stayed. And there Lisa stayed. She stayed on the back of Jennie's mind, silently watching, observing Jennie as she went on in her daily life.

Lisa was this thought that's not always on the front of her mind, but she's always there, sitting safe and sound, and even when Lisa wasn't here in person, the Lisa in her head was still protecting her  from the venom of her own mind.

And the worst part of it all was that Jennie had no intentions to push Lisa out of her head, because after losing Lisa, this was all that's left of her for Jennie. This Lisa existing in her head, living there, was the only thing keeping her standing on her feet. Call her crazy, but Jennie was holding onto it because in her head was her Lisa. Her Lisa who didn't let her go, her Lisa who still understood her despite the circumstances, her Lisa who was selfless, kind, loving, perfect, and most importantly, hers.

And after losing Lisa, she didn't think she could take it if she were to lose her Lisa, too.

















She sat in front of her desk, a blank paper in front of her, and a black pen in hand. The longer she stared at the paper, the more overwhelmed she felt. Until she shut her mind up and let her heart speak for her instead.

My dearest Lalisa,

How have you been these past nine days?

I really do hope you're doing good, even better than me.

First and foremost, I want to say that I love you so much. I love you, and I wish I could've said it before all this happened. But I didn't. I didn't say it because I always thought that there would be another day, a tomorrow, for us. Well, now that we're apart, there's nothing I want more than for you to know that I still love you the same, or perhaps even more.

I love you more, because even though you're against this, even when you're hurt, you still let me be. I know I sound selfish now, and probably more then, but I need you to trust me that I'm doing this for us.

I didn't break up with you it wasn't even my intention from the start, honest because I don't love you anymore, no. As I said, darling, I love you even more now. I love you, but I'm choosing me over us. I sound so fucking selfish and I hate it (you probably do too), but I'm doing this for us.

So, please hear me out.

You've been so good to me, you've taken care of me so dearly, you've loved me the hardest, and I'm forever grateful for it, Lili. Your love is something I would never find anywhere else other than your golden eyes or soft smile or warm embrace or delicate kisses.

But I want to be the person who could give you the love that you deserve, my love. Because you, Lalisa, you deserve all the love that existed in this whole universe you and that dearest heart of yours, you deserve everything and more. I love you with every fiber of my being, but it's still not enough because a part of me is still lost and I need to find her so I could love you more.

I could love you more, my love.

And I want to love you more I want to be better, to be good enough, to be the Jennie who deserves you. Right now, I'm nowhere near that. I rely too much on you. You might not realize it, because you're always so understanding that's just who you are. But I do, Lili, I do realize how much I depend on you to lighten up my mood, to make me happy, to make me feel safe, to remind me of my worth, to be my strength so yes, I rely too much on you.

And you? You deserve more than that. You deserve me as a whole who could love you the way you deserve to be loved, who could take care of you as much as you took care of me, who could make you see how much of an amazing and truly once in a lifetime you are as a person.

You deserve that, and I want to be the one who shows you. Now do you see it from my perspective, love?

This letter is getting ridiculously long, so I'll cut it short now. Give me some time to grow, Lili. Give me some time to find my lost pieces, to complete myself on my own, so that I can finally deserve you, because I want to be good enough for you.

I love you, Lili. In this universe, and every other where we exist.

Yours always,
Nini.

She leaned back on the chair and wiped her tears, smiling at the blank paper that's now filled with her neat handwriting. It's been nine days and she had so much words, so much love in her being and no one to pour them to. She didn't want to pour them to anyone else because no one else deserved to know except her, so she wrote them out instead.

She then kept it safe in her desk drawer, her mind wandering to the future when they both finally became the best versions of themselves. Maybe she'd let Lisa read them someday, when they're both okay and she's back in her arms again.

But for now, she was glad it could remain being her little secret — the little secret of her and her Lisa that no one else knew about.

That no one else could touch, could take away from her.

/LISA/

I walked deeper into the unfamiliar side of the ground which no one usually visit. With every step I took, the ache in my chest breathed back to life, growing stronger as my heart weakened. The air surrounding me was cold, the night quiet, the trees and grass and every living thing seemed to observe me walking pass them.

And at nights like this, I wish I weren't me.

It was dark, but I knew the way just like the back of my hand.. I kept on walking through the cold, the numbness, the quietness of the woods towards a place of solace I desperately needed.

"Don't give me reasons to walk away," Jennie breathed out. "And I'll give you reasons why I would always stay."

Bullshit.

It was like I was in another space, where time dilated and everything else felt like a fever dream; unreachable, dazed, uncertain. Because

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