forty five

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A/N: HEYY HOW IS EVERYONEE?? thank you for your patience and especially your support bc I'm here to inform you that I got in to the university I applied to! thanks for putting up with my shitty update schedule and for your love towards trouvaille. now please enjoy the update & don't forget to vote 🀟🏽🀟🏽

p.s.: when you're reading this, don't rush. take your time :)

β€”

/THIRD PERSON POV/

Brown met golden and they melted, right away, falling into the hypnotizing pool of golden orbits she used to float in. Lisa stood there unmoving, her gaze unreadable but still managed to send Jennie's heart to an overdrive.

Am I dreaming?

"Uhm, I'll just β€” I haven't fed my goldfish. I need to go," Jimin suddenly announced, stumbling as he rushed to put on his shoes. Jennie was still too star-struck to say anything but a whisper of drive safe.

Am I imagining you?

Lisa swallowed slightly, rethinking her decision once again. It's not that late to turn around. Did she really want to be here? By the way her throat choked up, maybe it wasn't the best idea, after all. She made a mental reminder to smack Taehyung for guilt-tripping her into visiting Jennie.

Just when she's about to open her mouth, Jennie's voice stepped on the shattered glasses of silence they're tiptoeing around.

"Tea?" Jennie asked tentatively. "I still have some jasmine tea."

Turn around, Lisa's mind hissed. You've seen her. She's safe. She's okay. Turn around and leave.

"Sure," Lisa muttered out instead, knowing she's ignoring the rational part of her, listening to this void space inside her that was begging for answers. She didn't know whether Jennie was the one who will give her the answers or she'd eventually answer them herself. One thing she's sure of was she wasn't going to leave with empty hands.

Jennie left Lisa on the living room and went to make two cups of jasmine tea (and to rearrange her breath, making sure her fingers wouldn't stutter and her façade wouldn't crumble). When she came back, Lisa had her elbows resting on her knees, her eyes blank, staring at nothing in particular.

Jennie wanted to be selfish and drink Lisa in as much as she could while those golden orbs weren't on her, but she reminded herself that she didn't deserve that. At least not yet.

Lisa straightened up as soon as Jennie came closer, blinking rapidly to wake herself up. Jennie only noticed the mess Jimin made when she put their cups of tea down. She silently cursed herself in her head and went to tidy up the blanket and pillows.

"I couldn't let him drive himself home last night. He was barely half awake," Jennie reasoned. "So he stayed the night. Sorry for the mess."

"You don't have to explain yourself to me." Lisa's reply came out without missing a beat.Β 

Right, Jennie grimaced. That's her way of saying she doesn't give a shit.

Her chest tightened painfully, but she embraced the pain because a sick part of her thought that she deserved it.

"I'm sorry for bothering you so early in the morning and to interrupt your sleep," Lisa said after she took a sip from her cup, tending the soreness in the walls of her throat.

"You'd never β€” I mean, it's okay. I wasn't sleeping anyway," Jennie mumbled the last part, but Lisa heard it just as clear.

"You're awake already?"

"Yeah," Jennie lied. "I slept too early last night, so..."

Lisa just stared at her pensively and Jennie wanted to look away. She had never been able to handle Lisa's gaze at times like this, one where Lisa clearly knew Jennie's lying and just waiting to see whether Jennie would eventually be honest or not. And Jennie being Jennie, chose the latter.

"No. You haven't slept all night." Lisa stated more than asked.

"I did sleep. I just woke up early."

Lisa sighed and leaned back on her seat. "Is it that easy for you, Jennie? Choosing to lie to me?" Lisa asked just above a whisper, but it was loud enough to cut through Jennie's chest.

Something flashed in Lisa's eyes and Jennie's stomach churned as the blonde's eyes hardened. "Is it?"

"So what if I haven't slept all night? What is it to you? Why would it matter?" Jennie fired back, her throat closing up because Lisa always knew how to get to her.

Lisa seemed taken aback at Jennie's harsh and forward response, but before she could even think of an answer, Jennie continued.

"Why are you even here?"

Lisa watched as Jennie's chest rose and fell, her tired eyes glaring at her. Lisa knew this was the part where she should be honest to Jennie, but her mind went blank. The only thing she could focus on was how fast Jennie's heart was beating at the moment, how the brunette's body reacted to her presence.

How she still affect Jennie.

Maybe it's a sin to feel this way, but Lisa was glad she could still make Jennie react that way. Glad, in the sickest way possible.

"Taehyung couldn't come," Lisa said calmly, her eyes still watching Jennie. "So he asked me to."

Jennie scoffed. "If you don't want to be here, feel free to leave. I'll tell Tae to just come by whenever he can."

"Cool. But I'm not leaving," Lisa simply said and she could hear Jennie's heart stopped for half a second. "I'm not leaving you alone."

She wasn't alone, Lisa's mind commented. You're just being selfish, wanting her all for yourself.

Lisa clenched her jaw at that, because it's true. She could've left when she heard another steady heartbeat in the apartment. When she noticed another scent that wasn't Jennie's.

But she's selfish. Possessive, even when it's not her place anymore. So, she didn't leave.

"I'm fine, okay? Yes, I haven't slept yet but I'm fine. You don't have to β€” you don't have to stay. I'm sure you have more important things to take care of."

"I don't," Lisa replied in a tone Jennie wished she could give out. Jennie wished she wasn't this affected by the blonde's presence, but who was she kidding?

"You should go get some sleep, Jennie. But I'm staying. Just pretend I'm not here," Lisa said, taking off her leather jacket. "I promise I won't make a sound."

"Why are you doing this?" Jennie asked, defeated. Her head was pounding and her legs trembling, she had no energy left to play pretend in front of Lisa. Her eyes were pleading and she knew Lisa understood the words of her gaze.

"What am I doing?"

"Staying."

"Do I need a reason to β€”"

"For fuck's sake, Lisa!" Jennie shouted, cutting her off. "We haven't talked in weeks and you think this is normal? You think you appearing out of nowhere, offering to stay, is fucking normal?!"

Jennie was breathing heavily, her eyes wet but the tears weren't going anywhere.

"Why are you here?" Jennie asked once again, her tone sharp because she knew no other way. She just wanted Lisa's answer. Not excuses because she's too scared to be honest.

Just tell me you still care.

Tell me you're here because you want to be.

"Why are you here, Lisa?"

Lisa stood up and walked to where Jennie was standing. With every step she took, Jennie's heartbeat escalated. She stood towering over Jennie, staring at her with unreadable eyes.

Lisa was facing an inner battle β€” be honest and let your guard down, or keep your calm and your walls high and proud. In other circumstances, she would choose the former without even thinking, because it's Jennie.

But now, she gravitated more towards the latter for the same reason β€” because it's Jennie. The one person she thought would never scar her the way she did.

Nevertheless, Jennie still had a hold on her.

"Do you want me to leave?" Lisa asked softly, her hand aching to touch the person in front of her. But she held back. As much as she wanted to, Chaeyoung was right. She needed to stop giving so much before she's left with nothing.

"No." Jennie whispered out.

"Me neither," Lisa murmured, her chest clenching for being this close to Jennie. "Just... let me do this, okay? Get some sleep. I'll be here when you wake up."

Jennie stared up at Lisa and for a moment, she could see the person she loved staring back at her. She was aware she's been thinking, imagining, and even hallucinating about Lisa a lot. But she realized that her mind could never quite plagiarize Lisa's eyes. The only pair of eyes that could suck her in until it's too deep to turn back around, too far to run. The only pair of eyes where she could see who she actually was.

The only pair of eyes honest enough to let her know that she still cared, despite everything, more than anything.

"Okay," Jennie choked out, wiping the tears off her face. She really did need some sleep. "I have leftovers in the microwave. I know you don't really eat breakfast but I have potstickers."

Your favorite.

There. Jennie let it out on purpose. To let Lisa know that she still cared, too. That Lisa wasn't the only one struggling to be honest with her feelings.

And Lisa seemed to get the message, because she offered Jennie a small, tentative smile.

"Thank you."

When Jennie went to her bedroom to sleep and left the door open, Lisa let her.











Waking up, Jennie was rewarded with a smell of something nice from the kitchen. At first, she thought it was Jimin because the last time she recalled, Jimin had stayed over. Lisa felt like a dream. But when she walked into Lisa in a fitting black tee and dark-washed jeans, cutting up something in the kitchen, Jennie felt her stomach turned.

So it wasn't a dream.

Lisa must've sensed β€” or heard β€” her coming because she turned around before Jennie could get a full grip on herself.

"Good evening," Lisa greeted quietly. "Steak. My mom's recipe. I hope you don't mind."

"Oh, that's... thank you," Jennie replied, still gawking over the fact that Lisa was actually here. "God, what time is it? My whole body hurts." Jennie said, talking more to herself than to the other person in the room.

"Half past six," Lisa announced and Jennie almost flinched. She was still grounding herself from the fact that Lisa was actually here.

"Shit," Jennie cursed. "I slept for twelve hours?"

"Thirteen hours and twenty-three minutes since I last heard you tossing and turning in bed," Lisa corrected her nonchalantly. A moment later, she froze, maybe realizing that she said it out loud. "Uh, sorry, I β€” I didn't mean for it to sound creepy."

"It's okay," Jennie smiled lightly, finding Lisa's slip out adorable. "Not like I've forgot."

Lisa gulped, staring at the two plates of steak in front of her. Then she shook it off and placed the steak on the dining table. Jennie's jaw dropped at the feast Lisa prepared which not only did it smell fantastic, the plating was also very neat. Very Lisa.

"Wow," Jennie whispered out. "You sure you didn't order this somewhere?"

"Well, that was rude," Lisa said, although her eyes twinkled in amusement at Jennie's reaction. "Taste it first then you decide."

Jennie let out a small moan at the first bite. It was perfectly cooked on the outside but still juicy from the inside. Jennie glanced at Lisa who was staring at her with a small, amused smile on her face and she felt her heart stopped. "Good. It's good," Jennie praised after swallowing the first bite. Lisa smiled proudly.

Dinner was quiet, both not knowing what to say. Amidst the silence, Jennie thought of several reasons why Lisa would pay a visit, stay on guard while she slept, and then cook an amazing dinner for them after being left alone for thirteen hours. And twenty three minutes.

Lisa, on the other hand, had her mind at the embassy. Junhoe updated her just before she decided to make dinner. He told her that he's on the rookie's training and that apparently, they didn't suck as much as he thought beforehand. Bambam and Jin weren't back yet. Taehyung was still on his investigation.

It was all going precisely as she had planned it. She just had to wait a little longer.

"Hey," Jennie called when she caught Lisa unconsciously twirled the glass of water on her hand. Lisa looked up to find Jennie's unsure gaze. "Can we talk?"

Lisa should've seen this coming, and she did, but it doesn't mean that her heart didn't jump at Jennie's question.

"Yeah. We need to talk."











"I want to apologize first," Jennie started. They were back in the living room, sitting next to and facing each other. Jennie fiddled with her fingers on her lap, "I'm sorry for raising my voice at you this morning."

Lisa nodded. "No, it's okay... you haven't slept and I was being an ass, so that's on me, too. But I'm sorry for coming here uninvited."Β 

"It's fine. And speaking of that, what's this about?"

Lisa took a deep breath. After listening to Jennie's steady breathing and gentle heartbeat for hours and hours, Lisa regretted not being here earlier. It put her mind at ease, even when sometimes her mind still protest at how easy she was being. But she's a grown woman, she knew what she would be facing anytime from now, and she didn't know what could possibly happen if she kept wasting all her time trying to hate Jennie.

No matter how hard you try, it's nearly impossible to hate someone you've loved so intensely. Someone you'd give up your world for. Lisa might be hurt, angry, disappointed, but to hate Jennie? She wasn't strong enough to do that.

Maybe Chaeyoung was right about her being too selfless when it comes to love. But Lisa had learned the hard way that most of her regrets are about how she wished she could've loved more before she lost them.

And now, Lisa wasn't planning on losing Jennie.

"Before I say anything, just know that you don't have to be scared. As long as I'm here, I won't let anything happen to you," Lisa started and Jennie's stomach felt funny. Lisa being protective of her will always do things to her. "So, nothing happened, actually. I'm just here to make sure you're okay and that nothing looks suspicious around here. I did a little tour and checked a few things out while you're asleep, and it's all alright. That's good news."

"Okay... but what's going on?"

Lisa looked around, then her voice went lower. "Tae found out something about dad's assailant," Lisa said. "You know dad was β€” you know he died right in front of me. I don't know what they're up to, but I'm not taking risks, so I'm here."

"You're saying I might be next?" Jennie asked and it almost scared her how quick Lisa's eyes hardened, her stare serious and determined. Behind her eyes, Jennie saw anger and hatred, but she knew they weren't directed to her.

"No. No one's next because I'll end them before they even start. But for the meanwhile, I need you to be safe."

"Okay," Jennie nodded. It's crazy how she's not β€” not even one bit β€” scared for her life after what Lisa just informed her. Not like she's not aware of the reasons, of course it's Lisa's presence.

It's the knowledge that Lisa was there. For her.

"Don't worry," Lisa softly brought Jennie back. "I won't let anything happen to you."

Jennie knew it was probably the exact time she should nod and say thank you, but Lisa was finally here and she's being honest, so Jennie tried.

"Why?" Jennie asked just above a whisper. Lisa tilted her head slightly. "After what happened between us... why, Lis?"

"You know why," Lisa's voice wasn't any louder than Jennie's, but her eyes spoke more than she needed to. "This," Lisa pointed at them. "Doesn't mean I stop caring, Jennie. Even if I wanted to."

Jennie smiled sadly and looked down. Lisa was just being honest, so why did it hurt?

"I want you to see something."

Lisa watched as Jennie disappeared into her bedroom, walking out seconds later with papers on her hand.

"I write every time I can't bring myself to sleep," Jennie confessed, then paused before she took an inhale. "It feels like talking to you. Here."

Lisa stared at the folded papers on her hand. Jennie wrote letters to her?

"You want me to read it?" Lisa asked.

"Yes, but only if you want it too."

It wasn't meant to sound like Jennie was trying to say anything other than answering Lisa's question, so when the words made her chest ache, maybe Lisa was just being too paranoid. Or hopeful. No matter which, both were destructive to her.

"Okay."

Lisa opened the first letter. She took another deep breath and her eyes started scanning the words, reading them slowly as she heard Jennie's voice in her head. Jennie sat back and watched her, quietly reading it with her.


"First and foremost, I want to say that I love you so much. I love you, and I wish I could've said it before all this happened. But I didn't."


Lisa didn't know what to feel, and it was only the first paragraph. The things she'd do to hear this weeks ago... β€” Lisa gulped and restricted herself before saying or thinking something she definitely shouldn't.


"Your love is something I would never find anywhere else other than your golden eyes or soft smile or warm embrace or delicate kisses."


Obviously, it wasn't fair. Lisa had been so numb the entire time but just by her words, Jennie made her feel again. It's not fair. It shouldn't be this easy. Jennie shouldn't be able to tear her walls down and crawl back into her mind this easily.

Meanwhile Jennie was no longer reading the letter. Instead, she took the time to appreciate Lisa's side profile. Her long eyelashes and perfect nose, her lips, her smooth cheeks, and her sideburns. She wanted to touch her. (She knew she couldn't).

"I could love you more, my love."


Unfair.

She wanted to tear the paper in her hand into pieces but they stayed still. It's like her body was on autopilot once again, everything went numb except for her heart. Her very stubborn, selfish heart.


"I want to be better, to be good enough, to be the Jennie who deserves you. Right now, I'm nowhere near that. I rely too much on you. You might not realize it, because you're always so understanding..."


There it goes again.

Lisa had had enough of the narrative, she's honestly so fucking done and it angered her. It angered her how stubborn Jennie was, even after telling her she still loved her.

Then suddenly, out of nowhere, Chaeyoung's voice rang in her head as if the both of them were arguing over which one Lisa should listen to more.

"Jennie depends too much on you, even I could see that, and you're letting her!"

She remembered Chaeyoung's angry, sad eyes. It's admirable how in touch her sister was with her emotions and how

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