The cover was received quite differently from us three. We all agree that it fits the genre, that the title font is nice and readable, and that the name of the artist doesn't belong on the cover if you want something professional looking. On Wattpad sometimes designers do use a signature to mark and promote the covers they make on commission or by request, but even so, this artist's name is too large.

The author's name (at last a decent pen name) is readable too, but the simple, modern font is contrasting with the rest of the cover. Something with a serif might look better and fit the high fantasy theme.

From there, our opinions diverge.

Sal: "I like the cover overall. It's dark and mysterious. The image of the hero is appealing and will attract the target audience. The only thing I didn't like was the moon – it's brightness didn't fit the rest and it looks tacky."

Fay: "The cover is a bit dark and monotone. This has a very 'teen fantasy' feel, with a borderline cheezy young dude posing as the focal point. The photomanipulation work here isn't the best blending, but the cover is decent enough for Wattpad and works with the title/genre."

Oliver: "I don't like the cover. On paper, a ruin, a weird moon, a dragon and a boy holding a sword are great ideas. Here, however, it doesn't work for me, as it looks too much like a collage. Furthermore, I don't like being force fed the MC and this trick screams YA."

Verdict: Not ugly and works for the genre, but a tad teen, dark and amateur.

Typical fantasy title ("the" followed by an object of presumed magical origin), but it works well and is catchy enough. Dragon stories are very popular at the moment, so it will attract an audience.

Verdict: Good title.

The blurb is messy and failed to hook us. It's too long, drags on and reveals more than necessary. We were unable to zoom in on something we found really intriguing. Sentences are also either incorrect or convoluted.

Details:

- The first sentence makes little sense. How can burning forests fight reality? Furthermore, forests burn in reality all the time (unfortunately). Without context, it's hard to grasp that "gym" refers to a gym class. The connection between the forest and Josh's dream, and the reason why he would think he's losing his mind because of a dream, are likewise unclear. Starting with Josh and his dream and building from there would make more sense and provide context. As readers, we don't want to try to figure out something ambiguous, but to catch a clear glimpse of something enticing.

- "Especially" doesn't add anything and we fail to see the relevance of these extra elements. What are "energy fists"? We're picturing electrified versions of those foam Hulk fists you can buy at Walmart. Throwing around phrases and names for things in your story that don't make sense without context is a good way to confuse potential readers, and is best avoided when possible.

- "not to mention" is a bit clunky, and introduces two more out of context elements (a voice in Josh's head and a beautiful girl who 'shoots ice arrows') to this already somewhat messy paragraph. Furthermore, like the following "turns out", it's conversational and sets a light/comedic tone for your story. Unless this is going to be a sarcastic comedy/fantasy romp, you might wish to strike a more serious, direct and professional tone with the blurb's structure.

- "Turns out...": The whole sentence is redundant and doesn't make much sense, as we don't know what the 'truth' might be, and 'insanity' is basically a synonym of 'crazy'.

- We learn what "the truth" is in the next line. However, the way this sentence is arranged, it reads as if 'he' and 'him' refer to the dragon, not Josh. Also, 'the girl is a Paladin, a group of humans like him'--like Josh? Or do you mean Josh is a Paladin? Or mentally unstable? This isn't a reveal so much as an introduction to more confusion.

- What is 'a wish come true'? None of what has been described thus far seems to indicate Josh had any wishes at all, aside from perhaps not going nuts. Furthermore, none of the elements presented so far seem terribly positive or wish-fulfilling. "New world of dragons and magic" does sound cool, but the way this world has been presented feels more hostile and dangerous than wild and wonderful.

- "except" grammatically refers to "he cannot wait", so the sentence makes no sense in opposition to the previous one. The rising darkness feels a bit vague/cliche, and what do the Paladins stand for, exactly? This hasn't been established so it's difficult to feel anything either way.

- Josh's baby brother is introduced as the final tacked-on element, but appears to be the main personal conflict for Josh. It seems to be dropped there, coming from nowhere.

- Who are the 'they' with plans? The enemy isn't established as anything but indistinct rising darkness. 'Get' is echoed.

- "Disjointed" feels like the wrong word to describe a group of people.

- "a little bit of experience": This reads weird, as It seems like Josh has no experience whatsoever.

- The end hook is a bit cliche, but if reworded (and with some context about what, exactly, the war is about and why readers should care) it could be strong.

Verdict: Needs some work.

EXTRAS

Evoking a series when the first book isn't even finished always feels cocky.

The mention of christianity is bugging us (Oliver mostly). Don't christians ever swear or have sex? And even if Narnia or LOTR are written by christians and include christian themes (more in Narnia though), the authors never really labeled their work as a Christian sunbengre. Their beliefs influenced their work, but that can be said for almost any author.

Oliver hated the trailer (because patchwork of well known movies), but Sal loved it (one of the best she saw on WP despite the copyright infringement galore). Fay forgot to watch it. In any case, it couldn't be used professionally.

Verdict: As always, these non-chapters are basically useless, but at least, we're told we can skip it.

~

HOOK

The idea behind the first sentence might have been a great hook if executed correctly. But here, it's too vague to really tell readers anything. Painting a scene to create an image in the reader's head with more easily visualized details (like the forest, the trees, etc.) might be a better way to grab a reader's attention. An "everywhere fire" might catch the reader's interest but fails to draw them right into the plot or ground them in the action.

The first line is also the first paragraph. As it has quite an impact, it could work. But as the next line/paragraph has no connection with what precedes, the hook is lost immediately. The dream hasn't begun, yet you kick readers out of it already.

It's a pity as having these vivid daydreams mess with Josh's routine is something quite original and a unique way to make the portal to the fantasy world different. Unfortunately, the delivery dragged in several places. Unnecessary 'filler' content hindered the buildup of tension, and the action was somewhat dulled by the mundane setting.

Many stories aimed at teens open with a high school as the setting. For us, this did little to serve the story or highlight Josh as a protagonist. For your opening chapter, you need to find something that frames Josh in the way you want readers to see him, while also setting up the story and creating enough interest to make us turn to the next chapter. Think about what would introduce Josh as well as possible, perhaps with an activity or setting that accentuates him as a unique character and builds a voice for him. So far, the high school gym setting isn't really making him stand out--almost the opposite in fact.

~

GRAMMAR AND SYNTAX

Watch out for repetitions. You don't have many, but any repetition (unless they're intended and serve a purpose) reads heavy and amateur (think of children's books where everything is repeated). For example, you have a "tree" repetition in paragraph 5 and further down "dream/daydream" is repeated in several paragraphs. There are no real tips to avoid repetitions (unless the general one about expanding your vocabulary--which is not a problem you have). Fresh pairs of eyes are often the best way to spot them.

About vocabulary, expanding and vary in your word choice is a good idea. Until it shows too much. Reading your first chapter, it felt like you made a bet to never use "look". It seems that every synonym and paraphrase can be found: "dragged his eyes", "glared", "follow", "frowned in Josh's direction", "peered", and later "eyed", etc... The thesaurus isn't always the answer and like Oliver always says, the simpler is often the better, go to the point. Some words are less visible than others. "Look" is one of them. Only use a synonym if your really want to emphasise the action or emotion behind it.

Some sentences are weirdly phrased and grammatically incorrect. One example: "Brian chose Josh next, only adding to his relief". Brian, being the subject, the relief is his, not Josh's. Again, a beta reader or two could help catch this sort of error.

~

INFO DUMP

Even in third person limited PoV, info dumps must be avoided (only a third omniscient can play with info dumps but it requires a strong narrator voice for it to work). If what you write is out of Josh's PoV and/or addresses the readers directly, you're dumping info, exposition.

Examples in chapter 1:

- "a guy [...] games with": The relationship between Josh and Tom is info dumped when it could be inferred easily enough through dialogue and interactions.

- "usually [...] discussion"

- "though what he saw [...] for a week" and next paragraph

In chapter 2, the text is interspersed with info dumps instead of building subtext/context and using more show, which makes it drag.

~

FILTERS

Some verbs are known as filter words, like "feel", "see", "hear" or "know" (you'll find lists on the internet quite easily). Any of them creates a distance between the reader and the PoV character, even in third person. In your story, it's understood that anything written comes from Josh's PoV, so if you describe something, it's because Josh sees it. No need to write "Josh saw the ball coming towards his face", when you can simply write "the ball came straight towards Josh's face". Cutting out these filters and/or rephrasing is almost always possible. Make a simple search to highlight every one of them and start rewording!

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STATING THE OBVIOUS

Oliver: The simpler, the better. Every word must count and have meaning. Go to the point. That's a mantra to keep in mind when writing. If you fail to do that, your story drags on, becomes heavy and boring.

In chapter 1:

- "Mr Willis said your name..." We just saw that. Stating the obvious here. Move along.

- "three times [...] in the dream": unnecessary paragraph. Once again, we saw what happened and Josh's feedback doesn't add much/at all.

- Stating that Josh is daydreaming instead of dreaming is stating the obvious again. We know Josh isn't sleeping.

In chapter 2:

"Daren looked ready to murder and Josh couldn't blame him [...] completely unpunished": this paragraph is a lot of info dump and stating obvious stuff (like how Josh is being smart mouthed). The characters' antagonistic dynamic and habitual banter could have been mostly shown via dialogue and the subtext of their interaction. As is, we're spoonfed and it feels dull, a bit simplistic. The tension just isn't there.

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POV ISSUES

"A spark of excitement joined Darren's anger" is Darren's PoV, not Josh. Granted, Josh could notice the spark of excitement in Darren's eyes, but not the anger. Especially when Darren only sneered. If Josh is reading every nuance of Daren's body language, be more specific about his observations.

This sort of thing pops up a few times. Keep an eye out for this when editing.

~

PACE

The whole "going to the field" part is both unnecessary and unclear. Oliver read a version of this story starting on the field already and we wonder why you decided to change that. This change doesn't add much to the plot and makes the story drag on with mundane discussions, surrounding descriptions and weather considerations we don't really care about. Furthermore, the part about the "tonight's game" is unclear. What game? What assassin? It's confusing.

Later, the team picking is obviously meant to present Darren. This could be improved to show Josh's feeling better. But the following dialogue doesn't help. More dragging, stating once more what just happened.

The issues occur again when the match begins. Describing every decision of the captains and the teacher and how the students can't play is too long and doesn't add anything to the actual plot.

It would help to learn how to better insert ellipses in your text. Think about comic books: each frame is static, yet if one frame describes someone in a starting block and the next, the same character crossing the finish line, the reader knows what happened in the blank space in between. You can/should do the same in a story. All unimportant information (as "in the character pushed on his legs to throw himself on the track, gained speed with each step to reach the finish line a 100 meters away") could be cut if obvious. In some instances, over-describing can build tension, like in horror or suspense, but that needs to be a deliberate build and style choice that adds to the atmosphere. Just clogging the flow with superfluous details isn't the same thing.

In chapter two, once more the story dragged in spots. Repeats and filters, statements of the obvious and dull details that add little when more relevant and interesting info could take their place, made the chapter slow. As a general rule of thumb, every scene and line of dialogue in any novel should further the plot or deepen characterization. Otherwise, it's dead weight. In genres like Fantasy Adventure, readers expect fast pacing and tension with very little room for everything else. Character development and growth have to be accomplished within those parameters. Here, because the plot dragged, any tension or conflict that the vivid dream might have created in the first chapter was diluted, making it hard to invest in Josh and his story.

~

INCONSISTENCIES AND PLOT HOLES

In the dream:

- "dark flames" is contradictory. Even in fantasy, without context (of a magic fire burning dark), it reads like a mistake and is hard to picture without further elaboration.

- Describing the color of moonlight in the second line of the first paragraph feels out of place. Firstly because the observation is a bit long, thus clunky for pacing a swift and action-ey opening; secondly because it's a somewhat mellow description, which clashes with the scene's volatile tone; and thirdly, because at this point, it seems an odd thing to have the PoV character focus on when the forest is on fire. In terms of scene building, it may be a better bet to focus on the forest fire in more detail, adding sensory perceptions to ground readers in the chaos.

- "without a second thought": out of context, readers have no idea about who set the fire so this falls flat. So far, all that seems to be destroying the forest is fire, which is by nature thoughtlessly destructive.

- "Broke through his haze": the MC (who is assumed to be Josh) hasn't been described as in 'a haze' so far. He's running, intent on saving his home, distressed and afraid, etc. If anything, he seems on high alert. If he's experiencing disorientation or is dazed, make that clearer.

On the field:

- "Tom, a guy Josh hang out with at school and played games with, glared at him": the sentence is telling (as seen before), heavy (repetition of the "with" construction), incorrect (it should be "hung"), but above all, it gives a strange voice to Josh. Tom seems to be a friend (hanging out and playing games with someone is friendship basis, no?) so why not just use the word? If they're not close, it will be apparent through how you write their interactions. Furthermore, without more context and elaboration, "play games with" sounds childish. Are they gaming (as in playing video games) or are they playing board games ? It's unclear.

- "following Tom's finger" reads like he's actually