The Darkness At Bay | S. D. Hartley

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(we ran out of image space so the headers had to be cut back, just in case anyone's wondering)

Cover:

The cover doesn't work for us. It's very busy and, due to lack of contrast, the elements blend together.

The text is difficult to read, especially the author's name, and its placement is awkward. It's getting in the picture's way. The font is fine, but why the mirror effect?

The picture isn't bad per se, but it bothers us. Combined with the text arrangement, it looks amateur. The model just looks like a pretty girl with a prop sword, not anything that would intrigue us. More than that, as is, the main focus of the picture is the girl's eyes, then her hand. Eventually, we noticed the sword. Too little too late to be sure the cover will attract fantasy readers

Overall, the cover is amateur in composition and rather sloppy. We wouldn't pick it up in a store.

We're not exactly sure what the title means, but it's short, simple and intriguing, if rather vague.

"When the Daughter of Darkness comes, only Death awaits."

Born unlike anyone else and forced to work as the king's Aviary, Azria has only known one thing: she is a monster. The people of Izmera fear her and her powers, but when a chance comes to learn more about what she is, Azria can't turn it down. With the help of a nobleman from the neighbouring realm of Raheim and the backing of a rebel organization, Azria sets off to discover the origins of her powers.

But war looms over the people of Izmera and Raheim and an ancient magic emerges to threaten to destroy everything that Azria loves. As secrets come to light about who and what she is, Azria's destiny begins to unfold whether she's willing to accept it or not.

____

Is the quote from the book? In any case, it doesn't make us care. It feels forced, trying to be ominous and dramatic, but it doesn't make much sense without context. It raises questions instead of interest: Who is this Daughter of Darkness? Where does she come from? What is Death awaiting? Without some more specifics, the quote loses its punch.

Next paragraph is again too vague to be enticing. Blurbs should be crafted to make readers want to know more, but throwing vague elements at them isn't the way. Why is she born like no other? What sets her apart (we assume it's the 'powers', but can't be sure)? Even the mention of 'powers' is very vague and fails to create tension for that reason.

About style, "born unlike anyone else" is a clunky phrasing.

The introduction of her powers and the fear she induce to others is dumped without any cause or consequence. The second part of the sentence is introduced by "but" when there is no contradiction (or connection for what matters) with what precedes.

Characters are thrown in the mix without any explication of their relation with the MC. Once again, our only reaction is "ok, duly noted" instead of the "wow, what?" you need. Everything is vague: what nobleman? What rebel organisation? Rebel to what?

The second paragraph is, once again, introduced with a misused "but". Then comes the reference to war and ancient magic. Here, we fail to see what these things could destroy that could actually matter to her. In the first paragraph, it was clear her life sucked. Everyone was afraid of her and thought of her as a monster. The "things she loved" are never introduced, so it is hard to understand her will to fight, to decipher the stakes. The last sentence is vague and generic.

Verdict: All in all, your story is better summarized in your bio than in your blurb.

EXTRAS | MAP:

We either liked, disliked or skipped it. 

Chapter One:

The opening line is decent but lacking hook, with no connection to the night and the wind. The second line is once again decent but maybe too long, with too much info cramped in it. "Three figures" is vague by definition, so how can Azria now the man is younger?

Repetition of "young(er) man"

Info dump without a cause from the MC's PoV. The sentence is confused: when does Azria see the man for the first time, when he got out of the tavern or when he ran into the three figures? And if the young man ran into the trio, how can they stalk him?

We assume Azria has some sort of preternatural night vision, since she seems to be able to see a great deal in the dark, and from a distance. If this is not the case, then her view of the scene would be greatly impaired.

Overall, we felt the start decent with establishing setting and some world building. It seems intriguing and Azria's voice starts out distinctive enough. However, there could be additions made to improve the scene, such as sensory details like sounds or the touch of wind. Additionally, the opening structure reads passive and might be more interesting if we watched Azria's mark leave the tavern, following the action instead of this info dump/catch up. More showing and slower pacing could accomplish that.

What leads to the "it was about time" reflecion? The trio was already following him, so nothing is new here. If she was waiting for them to attack him, this should be established earlier.

The part from "Azria was still debating" to "cramp up" is the first time we have a clear glimpse of Azria's character and the presentation of her duty and wings are surprising in a good way. However, the mention of muscles in her back felt unnecessary. Still, why is she debating if it's not really her choice? It doesn't matter what she decides. It may have worked better if she had said something like "If it was up to her, she might not even save the man, but the choice wasn't hers. She was just following orders."

Decent last paragraph, despite the sentences dragging a bit. We do wonder why she cares if they see her, as later on in this scene it's obvious that Azria's very powerful and doesn't need to sneak up on them. Why wait at all? If she didn't want to give up a strategic advantage, that could be made clearer.

"Could hear" may work better as a more active "heard". Furthermore, as is, it reads like Azria can hear Wynnlock's eyes flutter and widen. There are too many "and"s in this single sentence.

"Slowly" and "grinned" are too far apart to make real sense.

Grinning aside, Wynnlock is still facing the ground, so no one could see his eyes or mouth--thus it seems he is talking to the muggers still lying face down. Adding that he turned around while moaning or maybe even sat up would improve the clarity and impact of the scene.

Sal: Moans are also not a good idea on WP. Most readers make dirty jokes about it, especially soft moans (unless he's a weird perp who gets off being beaten up, lol). Groans would definitely work better here.

Dialogue tags created some confusion. First the man breathed words (a dubious dialogue tag since you really can't breathe comprehensible sentences), implying he speaks extremely low, so how far away is Azria at this point? Or does she have supernatural hearing as well? Next the thugs roar, so why breathe words to begin with?

"Confident self assurance" is redundant, and why is Azria's suspicion sneaking?

"They" is clearly referring to the three thugs, but it's grammatically disconnected.

As his position hasn't changed since he fell, Wynnlock apparently turned around on the ground? And, is it not night time? How can Wynnlock see the eyes of someone perched far above in the dark? Even during the day, Azria would have been backlit. As for Azria, how powerful is her night vision to make out the color of Wynnlock's eyes? Azria's location feels confused, making this scenario even more difficult to visualize. Is she flying? Does she sit on a rooftop? How far away is she? If he stares up, wouldn't the others look as well?

"Was frozen" is passive. "Froze" would work better. Furthermore, "she was shocked by the sense of familiarity she felt in that moment" is heavy, passive and out of PoV. Show us how she feels, instead of telling us.

"The night surrounded her as she spun": The night has surrounded all of them from the start of the chapter. And it refers back to the points raised earlier. If it's so dark, how can anyone see anything?

The description of her flight feels off. This is an alley. Is there even room for the wingspan she must have to support a human form? Later, when she stands between the young guy and the thugs, her wings appear massive. How high was the rooftop for Azria to have time to dive for so long and deploy her wings at the last second? Too high and everything that precedes (what she saw with such accuracy) seems impossible, too low and the fall would be too short for her maneuver. Perhaps this nitpicking kills the dramatic effect, but even in fantasy, physics must be respected to some degree.

Furthermore, how can she land between Wynnlock and the thugs, when the last action was one of them beating him? Wynnlock is on the ground, which means the punches had come from above.

Oliver: Here, I must say, I'm disappointed. I was hoping that Wynnlock wasn't so useless after his bravado.

Where the leap is overdramatic (even if badass) and unrealistic (all things considered, including wings), the use of Azria's magic falls short. More description here, from her PoV, is much needed. Is it painful, tiring, how does she feel doing it, is it hard? Etc. The idea behind her powers is intriguing, but not presented well.

We didn't get how they could struggle the one second and then be immobile the next. Doesn't this imply stillness? We were also waiting for Wynnlock's reaction--he is too passive unless the punch knocked him out and if so that should be mentioned. Otherwise, a gasp or a small shout might be warranted. This evil bird woman just appeared, and we expect a certain fear, even if the guy is drunk as a skunk.

The bit about how he feels about the touch is out of POV.

Fay: In terms of originality, this interaction feels familiar. The thugs are basically the same thugs we have seen in countless fantasy street fights. The MC is apparently dark and menacing and no angel, etc. (Sensing "Strong Female Character™️" vibes) and the thugs are an excuse to show off how tough she is. All of this is not necessarily an issue on it's own, but I find myself getting bored because the scene, while not bad per se, lacks spark. I've read it before, and the voice isn't hooking me in.

We wonder why even though the thugs have apparently heard of Azria and know how dangerous she is, they choose to provoke her when she already has them bound with those shadow tendrils? This caused distance and harmed our immersion. It was unbelievable, even for a fantasy.

Sal: Otherwise, I enjoy the trope of having the love interest saved from the bad guys in the beginning.

The use of Azria's shadow powers, despite a potentially cool concept, comes across as flat.The scene is presented bluntly, told rather than shown. Azria's self description reads forced, which killed the tension. 

Azria's continued bravado and "look how tough I am" act is going on too long--why not kill the thugs, or just scare them off right away? The monologue itself feels like overkill and entirely for expositional badassery. Why waste so much breath and energy on petty street thugs? She doesn't need to do that, considering how powerful she is.

Fay: Yes, we get it babe, you are the night...

The description of strangulation seems inaccurate--it lasts a long time and without much consequence. Azria monologues at length and apparently is squeezing the thug's throat very hard. Wouldn't he pass out?

"Simper" feels like the wrong word, as it means coy or ingratiating. Perhaps "whimper" would be more likely, though at this point wouldn't he only be able to gag and wheeze?

Fay: Chuckled darkly... we have ourselves an edgelord.

Saying how much air the thug sucks in is out of Azria's PoV, as she can't know this for sure.

How can Wynnloc be revealed to be behind Azria if her back is to him? Unless she can see him, he's not really "revealed". As is, it's revealed to the camera in a hypothetical movie. It doesn't work from her PoV.

Sal: The whole dialogue felt over the top (especially that darling bit). Her threats also didn't work for me. If she was able to stay somehow in their mind or aura, it should have been shown. The whole section destroyed the last bit of tension.

What about Wynnloc indicates that he doesn't like getting hammered in foreign bars? Especially since Azria doesn't know him at all. It might work if she had said something about his reputation that she overheard, but not the way it is.

The dialogue is heavy with thinly veiled exposition, especially Wynnlock's, "oh you mean <insert plot point to explain>?"

We wonder why Wynnloc, even after seeing her almost kill a bunch of thugs, still has the guts to mouth off to Azria. Much like the thugs themselves, he seems to lack relatable fear or basic self preservation instincts. Why aren't these people more afraid of evil superbird instead of constantly challenging her?

Many adverbs, most of them unnecessary.

Their interaction isn't bad, but again feels very much for Reader Benefit™️ and truthfully isn't the most interesting or original way to introduce Azria. The scene feels cliché in a

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