CHAPTER 26

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Orion wasn't terrible. After talking with him, it became a lot easier to be around him, he didn't annoy me as much, and even though my initial plan of telling him to forget about the bet backfired, at least he wasn't aggressively trying to get into my pants like Rhett had done. That probably would have terrified me and chased me away.

Maybe he realized that, Orion knew Rhett raped me, and was keeping that in mind so he didn't do anything sudden or spontaneous that would unexpectedly remind me of those horrible nights.

It wasn't like that stopped my nightmares, of course. I still woke up soaked in sweat sometimes, occasionally I would scream myself awake, and when I had a particularly bad day I would lock myself in my room and stand under the searing burn of the shower head until the pain on my body had numbed the trauma constantly aching at the forefront of my mind.

Spending time with Maggie was getting a bit easier, but whenever she tried to bring up what happened to me during the bombings, Ronnie, or when I was a captive of the Con Rồng, I ended the conversation and walked away. I was still too uncomfortable talking about those things with her, but little by little I had managed to tell her about meeting Kailas, joining them in their hometown, meeting Demi's mother, how she'd basically adopted me, how they'd all basically adopted me.

She seemed pleased that I was opening up a little bit more, happily talking with me about her own time after the bombs fell and destroyed our home, mainly about Josie. She probably figured if she talked about him enough, then I would talk about Ronnie. That wasn't going to happen, but I never tried to stop her when she was ranting.

"One of my friends from my Natural History course had a gun vault in his house, so he drove Josie, myself, and a few others to grab those weapons. We were in a group of maybe six for the first few months, Josie kind of snuck his way up as the leader. We all trusted him, he was surprisingly good with a gun, and I knew he was a reliable man. He kept us alive for a long time," she paused, scratching her cheek and looking off to the side, "Then one day he said he had to leave, there was family he needed to find in the north, but he'd come back and find me as soon as he knew that family was safe."

"Do you think he knows where you are now?" I asked, and Maggie shrugged, grinning.

"He'll find us when he needs to. I have no doubt."

"How did you end up joining Orion?"

Maggie hummed, leaning back on the bench, "For about a year I was with that old group, but there were a lot of gunfights, rogues, crazy people, and the Con Rồng of course. Our numbers dwindled, and when there were just three of us I decided to split like Josie had and find my own way. I survived as a loner for six months before I ran into Carina and Orion. I hadn't eaten for days, and they were out of water, so we compromised, joined each other for selfish reasons, but after a few weeks we kind of grew attached and decided to stick together for survival.

"We met Beckett a few months after that, and Logan joined last. We've been together ever since, and we've managed to do really well as a team," she rolled her head to look at me, "What about the guys in your group? Demi seems kind of new."

"He is," I agreed, "He's only been in the rebellion for a few months, almost a year actually, but he's an old friend of Kailas'. They grew up together."

"Really?" Maggie gaped, "What are the odds of that?"

I shrugged, "Slim, but I'm glad he's with us," I managed to give her a smile, "He's like a brother to me. This rebellion is my family."

Maggie just smiled warmly in return, reaching over to squeeze my shoulder, "I've noticed. I'm really happy you found them, Dakota. All of these people," she looked over the arena, "They seem to legitimately care about you. Can't imagine why since you're such a brat," she teased, and I rolled my eyes as she shook her head, "I'm happy. Especially knowing you were never alone this whole time, that you had friends, that you've managed to grow so much and get so strong, even without me," she stopped herself, her eyes glassy, "I'm so happy you're alive."

I stared at her blankly for a long time. Normally in this situation I would scoff and say something sarcastic before storming away, but... it felt nice to let my guard down with Orion, so... maybe I could do it with my sister too.

She looked utterly stunned when I leaned over and hugged her, her hands hovering before she wrapped her arms around me and squeezed me as I kept my chin on her shoulder, staring at the wall, "I miss dad and Gracie," I said, and Maggie made a weak noise, like she was crying, before tightening her grip on me.

"I do too."

I buried my face in her neck, "I'm glad I don't have to miss you too."

She pulled back and held my face in her hands, a huge smile on her face despite how there were tears on her cheeks, "You won't have to. I'm not going anywhere, and you can't get rid of me," she held a fist up, smirking, "Big sister has years of embarrassing you to make up for."

I rolled my eyes like I'd been planning to do before, and she laughed before leaning closer and kissing my forehead, "I love you, Dakota."

"Yea."

Letting myself relax, putting my guard down and appearing vulnerable, even if it was scary, was peaceful in a way. It was still hard to do, I had to consciously force myself to actually show emotion other than grumpy and irritated and sarcastic, but when I broke that uncertainty, it was a lot easier to just sink into this vulnerability. It was the fact no one ever took advantage of me when I was like that that made me feel so peaceful and happy with it.

"By the way, Beth has a crush on you," I said, and Maggie gaped at me before her cheeks started to burn.

Yup. Vulnerability was nice, but nothing was better than screwing with my family. I still couldn't wait to drop the bomb that Carina and Cass had been "sharing a room" for the past two months Pluto had taken up residence in Phoniks Vidroh. That was going to be hilarious.

"I'm guessing you trust Orion, considering you've been with his group so long," I commented, and Maggie seemed to force her thoughts away from the revelation of Beth's crush so she could look at me and smile.

"Of course I trust him. He's saved my ass more than once."

"That's great, but I don't want to know what he's done with your ass, so can you not?" I asked, holding my hands up, and Maggie reached out to twist my ear, squinting at me.

"Oh what, are you jealous of me now?"

"No! Owe!" I slapped at her arm, "I was joking!"

"Uh-huh," she released me so I could scoot further down the bench and rub my ear, "I know something's going on between you two. Beckett is somehow involved as well. They've both asked me dozens of questions about you!"

I tensed, staring at her anxiously, "What have you told them?"

"Just some stuff," Maggie answered, looking at her nails, "Told them you were an altar boy for a little before you quit, probably because of mom, and that you took the longest showers ever for being a guy, constantly taking all the hot water and pissing Gracie off."

"Did... did you tell them about Ronnie?"

Maggie looked over at me before smiling softly, "Nah, I figured that was your business."

I relaxed considerably and leaned back, placing my hands against the bench and stretching my legs out in front of me, "Not that I care."

"No, of course not," Maggie chuckled, "But you know, Dakota, maybe this is good for you."

I rolled my head back and to the side, arching an eyebrow at my sister, "What is?"

"Orion and Beckett," she clarified with a smile, "If you really look, they're both very similar to Ronnie. That might be why you get along with them somewhat. Both seem to care about you, Dakota, and don't try to fool me, I think you care about them too."

My relaxed posture became rigid and tense as I narrowed my eyes, "I don't," was my defensive response, "They're both fucking annoying pieces of crap who won't leave me alone, and in another month when I haven't fallen for either of them, they'll finally leave me be."

"You really think it's that easy?" Maggie asked in amusement, sighing and folding her arms as she looked up, "Travel back in time with me for a minute, I have a story to tell. Once upon a time there was a cute little thirteen-year-old with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. A cute little boy lived in the house next door, but hazel eyes didn't even know he existed until one day at Sunday school."

"The fuck are you going on about?"

"This neighbor boy really liked Mister Hazel Eyes, but hazel was kind of a twit, so he avoided neighbor boy any way he could. He would complain about the same things over and over, that neighbor boy was super annoying, wouldn't leave him alone, is just an idiot, he'll give up eventually and stop trying so hard. Then one day, he did. Well, hazel thought he did. Neighbor boy was talking to someone else, so hazel eyes completely lost his mind and ran off, crying. He thought neighbor boy really did give up. Maybe he didn't care as much as he said.

"It was inevitable, exactly what hazel eyes wanted, yet his heart felt heavy and he couldn't stop crying. Then neighbor boy climbed in through his bedroom window that night, confused because hazel eyes hadn't been at Sunday school. They had words, there was yelling, but in the end neighbor boy hugged his little hazel eyed crush and fell asleep together.

"Somehow, they fell madly in love with each other, even at such a young age neighbor boy talked to his brother about wanting to marry his hazel eyed boyfriend... but life can be cruel sometimes," Maggie's smile was sad, and I was fighting the ache in my chest.

"What are you telling me this for?" I asked in a whisper, and Maggie turned her head to look at me.

"You've always been like this, Dakota. When you first met Ronnie, you claimed to want nothing to do with him, but truthfully you really liked the attention, you liked that someone was showing genuine interest and acceptance, Ronnie legitimately cared about you, and you fell for him even before you realized it," she laughed, "That's why when he talked with another friend you felt heartbroken, as if he was leaving you behind."

I bit my lip and looked down, lifting a hand to the pendant around my neck, "I still don't..."

"Josie said it perfectly once," Maggie held a finger up, "Dakota was so emotionally damaged by his own mother's ideals that he didn't understand how to express himself without the fear of being judged. To defend himself, he developed this indifferent and uncaring persona, but that persona is what makes him so easy to read," she grinned at me, "The more he cares for someone, the more indifferent and defensive he'll get, until he's practically screaming the insistence that he wants nothing to do with said human or humans."

By then I was simply gaping at her, my heart was gunning in my chest and I was shaking, "That... don't be stupid."

"I didn't say that, Josie did," Maggie smiled softly, "Are you calling Josie stupid?" I shook my head frantically, and she laughed, leaning back, "Just think about it."

"But Ronnie..."

Maggie frowned and turned back to me, looking pained, "Ronnie would never want you to beat yourself up over something like this. He would want you to be happy, you know that. All he ever wanted was for you to be happy and at home, safe with people who loved and accepted you. He wanted that so badly he would cry to Josie about how unfair it was you were forced to deal with our mom. He, Josie, me, Gracie, even dad, we would discuss it sometimes, made a kind of game plan for when you decided to come out," she shook her head, "I'm just sorry we never got to go through with it. Right now, I just want you happy. If being with Orion or Beckett can do that, then fuck, set aside this indifferent persona for once and talk to them!"

We stared at each other for a long time before Beth, of all people, interrupted us, jumping Maggie from behind and wrapping her arms around her neck, "Maggie, teach me how to shoot!"

Maggie gave a weird squeaking sound, her face burning red, "O-okay!"

My lips pulled into a tiny smile, but it faded quickly as I watched Maggie stand and lead Beth to a more secluded corner of the arena before slipping her handgun from the holster on her thigh. I continued sitting on the bench for a long time, staring at the floor at my feet as I thought through what my sister had said.

I remember it, how Ronnie would pine after me constantly and I would push him aside, like I was doing with Beckett and Orion now. Ronnie never stopped, even after I saw him talking to someone else, who turned out to be nothing more than a classmate he was borrowing notes from. He never stopped, never abandoned me, and I... I tried hard to ignore him, but I still fell.

Even while I was insisting I hated him, my heart was still getting chained up because of how much I cared about him. Josie was right. I... I was just hiding from my true feelings, because of how badly my mother affected me. I was always told being gay was wrong, so I did everything I could to avoid liking men, even now that she was gone and I was older, I was unconsciously trying to avoid it, because I was afraid of her.

I leaned forward and propped my elbows against my knees, pulling Ronnie's knife from my pocket and holding it out, sliding my thumb over the engraving of his name and lifting it to my lips, "Would you hate me?" I whispered, "If I started to open up to them? You wanted me to connect with more people, that's what you meant when you told me to fall in love again, and I have connections. I'm in love again. I love the rebellion, and Demi, and Kailas, I love Maggie and Cass and Malachi, I love all of these people so much... but... Orion and Beckett," I pinched my eyes closed and bowed my head more, keeping the handle against my lips, "They're different. Both of them are different, and I'm scared. What do I do, Ronnie? What do you want me to do?"

I opened my eyes and pulled the knife away, sighing. The whole reason I was in the arena was to avoid taking a report of the incident with Diego to Kailas, I was just being lazy and procrastinating, but now that there was no one to distract me, I reached out to the finished report sitting beside me.

Before I could grab it, I felt a heavy gust of wind hit me in the back, pushing the loose piece of paper off the bench and away from my fingers. I growled in irritation and jumped up to grab it, watching in stunned silence as it flew towards the open door and smacked against Beckett's face while he was entering the arena.

He tensed up and lifted his hand to catch the paper as it fluttered down, frowning down at it before looking up and meeting my eye, holding the report up, "Sorry, is this yours?"

I opened and closed my mouth before nodding, and he walked over to hand the report back to me. I took it with a mumbled thank you before turning to look at the row of windows behind the bench, a shiver running down my spine when I noticed they were all closed securely.

"Are you okay?"

I jumped and spun back around to see Beckett was watching me closely, concern in his eyes, and I huffed, rolling my eyes and looking down at Ronnie's knife, "Pretty clear hint," I mumbled, stuffing the knife into my back pocket and smacking Beckett's chest while I passed him, "Let's go."

"Huh?"

"Perimeter check," I said, looking over my shoulder, "Let's grab Orion and drive around for a quick check. You can do that much, right?"

Beckett seemed utterly stunned, but a warm smile crossed his face and he nodded, "Of course."

I turned back to the front and ran a hand over my face and through my hair. Whatever that was, it had probably been a fluke, but damn me for a fool if I wasn't going to take it as Ronnie telling me to get off my ass and start making progress with these idiots. Even if nothing came of it, the feeling of letting go, allowing myself to be vulnerable, was exhilarating and peaceful at the same time.

Of Beckett and Orion could keep doing that, making me feel that sense of utter calm, then... what the hell, why not? It's not like I actually cared about them.

Right?

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