It felt like someone was holding my wrists in an iron grasp, pressing them up above my head so my arms were straining uncomfortably. The position had me panting, eyes darting around, but the area was pitch black, which had my panic spiking towards dangerous levels, attempting to twist my body away from whatever invisible force was keeping me still.

Not much happened, even though I kept waiting for Rhett's face to flash in front of my eyes, or Blu's, I was waiting for the burn of a knife to be drawn across my skin, the sting of a searing hot iron to be pressed into my ribs. I kept waiting for pain, but all I got was the inability to move freely, and really that seemed just as bad.

I was choking on my uneven, rapid breaths, hyperventilating as I continued to twist and yank on my wrists, begging for whoever was holding me to let go, but no matter what I did, I was stuck. Then my legs were suddenly pinned down, and I started to scream in horror. For a long time, I just screamed, until my eyes snapped open and my blurry vision started to make out the glowing stars on my ceiling.

I coughed hard, rolling onto my side, and groaning into my pillow, struggling to push myself to my hands and knees, staring at the mattress until I'd calmed down enough to realize it had just been a nightmare, I was still in my bed located in my room, safe with the rebellion. A heavy sigh flew from my lips as I let myself flop onto my stomach, face in the pillow.

I'd been getting nightmares like that more often ever since getting home. They were always different, but I always remembered them, and I wondered if Demi had the same problem. Probably. Usually they were easy to decipher, a repetition of the nights Rhett and Blu assaulted me, occasionally I relived Ronnie's death, and how my mother threw me out like I was a sack of shit.

It was the dream where nothing happened, where I was simply unable to move my body from the strained, submissive position, that had me screaming myself awake. I don't really know why the darkness scared me so much, though the vulnerable position did make sense. Of course I'd be terrified if my arms were above my head, wrists pinned; that was exactly the position I'd been in with Rhett.

My entire body ached now, and I was still a little tired, but far too afraid of trying to sleep again, so I pushed myself up and slipped off the bed, one hand holding my hip as I limped towards the door. I fully intended not to walk too much, maybe down to the infirmary so I could talk to Arthur, or just barge into Kailas' room like a child interrupting his parents, but in the end I decided against it.

The sky was black, dotted with stars, I had no idea what time it was, but I knew it was late, and the people I considered going to for comfort were all probably asleep. All I could do was sneak out of the house and take a walk to cool off and think clearly. Yea, I wasn't supposed to be walking, but what was the harm in it?

Somehow, I ended up in the graveyard, finding myself standing in front of Jayden's gravestone. He wasn't there anymore, I knew that, it was basically just a memorial, but I knew some of his ashes were mixed with the soil at my feet, surely his spirit would still be lingering in the area. It was a demented yet comforting thought, and not as bad as some mindless retards saying dead loved ones were sitting on a cloud in the sky with wings and a gold ring on their heads.

Fucking morons.

"Hey, uh...," I paused, shifting onto my right leg to alleviate the pressure to my injured left, "So... a lot of shits happened, right? Since you passed, I mean. Gale's doing good. It's weird, he's been opening up more, kind of. I mean, not talking, but he's more comfortable around people now. Rhett, um... he... he's dead... and, uh, that new group attacked us, Demi and I got captured, then got away, then got captured again, and... yea... I'm pretty beat up now. Sorry if I'm interrupting you, I just... had a nightmare... no one else is awake. I.... I think I dreamt of Rhett, maybe. He was the one who... held my wrists down like that... I-."

"You have no right to talk about my nephew like that," a scratchy voice snarled, and I spun around sharply, enough to have the pain in my hip flaring so I would grab it, grunting, and gaping at where Roman was standing, a bouquet of flowers in his hand.

"I... why are you awake so late? Or... I mean, early."

"I was bringing my nephew flowers," Roman said in a biting tone, walking past me to where a blank headstone was sitting several spaces away, "It's your fault. I had to fight to have him buried here, because they all called him a traitor, they wanted to burn his body, throw it in a ditch. I begged Kailas to let me bury him here, like the hero he was. He never did a bad thing to anyone."

I gaped at him for a moment before scowling, "He fucking raped me," I hissed, and Roman laughed, kneeling to set the flowers down before turning to me, walking up to stand in front of me and glaring down at me.

"You asked for it," he said, and my eyes widened in surprise, "I heard the audio you recorded, Bailey, trying to trick him into giving up incriminating evidence to frame him. He's dead because of you, but you were the one who asked him to fuck you," he snarled, "Fucking whore."

Words were caught in my throat, my mouth opening and closing before I managed to speak, "That recording...," I whispered, my heart pounding against my rib cage, "How... how do you know about that?"

"Everyone fucking knows," Roman scoffed, "That fucking bitch assassin played it in front of everyone as evidence of Rhett killing Jayden."

I lifted a hand to cover my mouth to keep myself from throwing up. Demi didn't really do that, right? He... he never would have invaded my privacy like that. The whole reason I recorded Rhett's confession was so he'd be caught red handed, but I never expected the entire rape to be caught on audio as well. I didn't realize it until now... and now I felt sick.

"You deserved everything you got," Roman said simply, "You're a fucking whore who lead Rhett on, you deserved far more than what he did to you, and really you should feel grateful to him, and to that head of Con Rồng, because there's no man here who would lie with you willingly. Getting raped is the only action your ass will ever see. Disgusting," he spat on me, and I stumbled a few steps back, my hands lifting to wipe at my face as Roman turned, "You're a flaw in God's design, wretch. I may have been lenient with Rhett for his... tastes, but he was my flesh and blood, he was sick. You," he peered at me from over his shoulder, "You're nothing. People like you who wanna take a stick up the ass are mentally ill. I pray for your recovery, or at least that God will end your life before you can get anyone else killed with your sinful existence."

With that said he turned fully, walking back towards the main house. By then I wasn't sure if I was breathing or not, I felt dizzy, even though I could feel the cold air rushing into my lungs, it was like I still couldn't breathe, my ears were ringing, and I was on my knees before I could comprehend anything else around me.

Blasphemer. Heretic. Abomination. Slut. Whore. Disgusting. Tainted. Filthy. Wretched. Damned. Doomed to hell. I deserved it, I deserved everything, it was punishment for my sins, punishment for existing and for tainting others with my existence.

If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them.

Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination.

You did this. You deserved it. Slut. Punishment for your sins.

I deserved to fucking burn in hell.

I could still hear it, the whistle of the bomb falling, the deafening crash and boom of my house being destroyed, the feeling of Ronnie shoving me to the road, the soft thud as my mother's bible hit the gravel beside my head, the thin, almost translucent pages flapping in the rapid wind, my heart pounding so loud it was in my ears.

They were dead because of me, all of them were. My mother, my father, Gracie, Ronnie. What right did I have to live when they all died because of my selfishness?

"Dakota? What are you doing out here? It's four in the morning."

I blinked a few times before lifting my head just enough to see Beckett and Orion standing a few paces away. Beckett was standing a little in front of Orion, who had his hands in his pockets, and both looked absolutely stunned to see me outside. The common carefree smile was crooked on Orion's face, like it was starting to slip, and Beckett appeared visibly distressed as he stepped closer to me and knelt in front of me, his hand brushing over my face, spreading something wet across my cheek.

"I'm okay," I said, honestly surprised at the emptiness in my own voice, "I deserved it."

"What?" Beckett furrowed his brows as Orion came closer and squatted down next to me.

"Are you hurting? You shouldn't be walking around at all. Did you come out here by yourself?"

I nodded my head slowly in response, not reacting when Beckett pulled his sleeve over his hand, wiping at the tears I didn't know I was shedding.

"I'm s-sorry," I said, my words hitching, and Beckett's frown became heavier as he met my eye.

"What for?"

"Breathing," I whimpered, and his eyes grew wide in surprise before softening.

It was.... Strange. His eyes were the same color as Ronnie's... it was comforting. I never realized it before, but I would never mistake that color, or the gentleness, or even the fire that was burning just at the edges, loyalty, and passion that I automatically recognized from Ronnie. Maybe the familiarity is what had me reaching out to him, falling against his chest and crying a little harder.

Beckett tensed up at my initial contact, but slowly relaxed, his hands hovering awkwardly over my shoulders like he wanted to push me away but didn't have the heart to. I felt one hand in my hair, but it wasn't Beckett's, though it was just as comforting.

"Let's bring him back to his room before anyone wakes up. We'll both get yelled at if they find out we let him stay out here."

"Right... do you-."

"You carry him. I'll lead the way."

Beckett moved on the ground and shifted me in his arms, scooping me up before standing. I clung to him on instinct, my teary eyes wide as pain raced down my left leg, making me whine a little and wrap my arms around his neck.

"Sorry," he apologized quickly, holding me as carefully as he could as he followed behind Orion, "We're going to bring you back to your room, okay?"

"No," I mumbled against his neck, "No sleep. Nightmares."

"Oh... well..."

"We'll stay with you," Orion offered, slowing his steps so he could be beside Beckett, reaching out to swipe at a falling tear on my chin, smiling warmly, "Bad dreams tend to run and hide when they see me coming."

"He's not a kid you know," Beckett chided, "No need to lie to him," I could practically feel Orion pouting at Beckett, "It's easier to deal with bad dreams if you're not alone, Dakota. Do you want us to stay?"

I considered it for a moment before nodding and tightening my hold, "I'm sorry."

"It's okay, just promise you'll try to sleep."

They were quiet as they crept down the halls, like they were afraid of waking anyone up. I wouldn't be surprised. If someone from the rebellion stepped out to see these two weirdoes sneaking around with me in their arms, blood might be shed, which would be annoying to clean from the walls.

When we reached my room, Beckett laid me carefully onto the bed, and Orion left for something, he didn't say what. While he was gone, Beckett tossed my shoes and his to the floor, then laid down on my left side, his hands folded over his stomach and his head turning when the door reopened.

"Awe, two sleeping beauties all for me."

"Shut up," was Beckett's reply, and I almost wanted to hit him for taking my catch phrase.

I probably would have if I didn't feel like utter shit.

Orion fiddled with something at the end of the bed for a while, humming pleasantly until he flipped a switch and a strange projection flashed in the room. While it had been practically jet black before, now there were millions of white lights being projected on the ceiling, slowly moving like the sky was rotating.

"You brought that thing," Beckett stated, and Orion made a noise as he stepped across to my right side.

"I thought it might calm him down a little," he explained, laying down on my right side, "Carina got me this, like a portable observatory. It's neat, right? A bit of a hassle to find batteries, but I manage."

"Orion," I mumbled, and he looked at me with a hum, but I just shook my head and pointed up at the constellation sweeping across my ceiling, "Orion, there."

Orion sighed from beside me, "Of course."

Beckett chuckled a little from my left and I folded my arm over my stomach, my eyes drooping. Strangely enough, the stars really were making me calm down, my eyes were shut in a matter of minutes. For a few minutes after I'd shut my eyes, the men beside me were quiet, and I was moments away from the peace of unconsciousness when they started to speak.

"Well, I think I know who'll win this bet," Orion hummed, "I can't believe I have to compete with something a billion miles away that he can't even touch."

"I figure it's better than competing with me, right?" Beckett asked, and Orion chuckled.

"You're just as bad. I'm trying hard to win him over, but you don't even have to put effort into it. He already likes you better. You're not playing fair, with your secret soft side, liking kids, you piece of shit. Didn't I say no cheating?"

Beckett laughed softly, and I felt someone move my bangs away from my face, "I'm always like this. I'm being myself. It's... remarkably easy to be myself around him... and you?"

"Hm? I'm always myself."

"You're not," Beckett chided, "I know that's a lie. You hide too much, and that's what will push him away in the end. You need to open up if you want to win him over."

"Ah, I'm not good at that," Orion laughed anxiously, and Beckett hummed.

"Should I get you drunk? You're usually more talkative when you're drunk. That's how I got you to talk to me, remember?"

"No, because I was freaking drunk," Orion muttered, "I still have three months, I can turn this around in my favor. I'll beat you in this, he'll be all mine."

"It's already been a week, you know."

"What? Already?"

Beckett sighed in exasperation and shifted around in the bed, "Go to sleep, and think about what I said. The other day Dakota mentioned not liking people who smiled even though they weren't happy, like they're wearing a mask to hide true intentions. I think it's more him having trust issues than you having a bad personality. We just have to be patient with him."

"Yea, that.... Makes sense. It's not my fault I'm like this though."

"I know that, Orion, you don't have to tell me. I already know."

They both grew quiet for a long time, which is good because I was about to reveal myself as being awake and kick them both out of my room, but thankfully they were done talking, and when I peeled my eyes open just to check, I found Orion turned on his side, facing me, fast asleep, and Beckett on his back, also deep in sleep.

It was... so strange to me. How was it possible to become the center of these men's affections when I'd already screwed my life up so badly? They obviously didn't know how much of a mess I really was. I felt sorry for them. Well, I had three months to show them how much of a basket case I was.

When they realized what a burden I would be to them, they would end their silly pursuit of me, maybe get with each other instead. That would be best, because even if I did end up falling for one of them, odds are my trauma wouldn't allow me to forgive myself enough to give them what they deserved.