18. Be Honest with Yourself

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Casper


Something was wrong.

I paced up and down my room.

Something was wrong, and I didn't like it one bit.

My Cub had never acted that way around me before. It was almost as if.... as if he was scared of me.

Had I done something last night? Had I hurt him in some way?

It seemed unlikely seen as though someone always seemed to be watching me, and no one had said anything about Joel being hurt.

What if he was lying and he did get in trouble last night. I mean, it won't have looked good for him, pelting his Alpha with cushions. Not that I minded in the least. After all, what harm would come to me from a few cushions? Plus, Joel combined with cushions brought back a rather nice memory...

No, I couldn't think about that now. I needed to know what was wrong with him.

I walked out of my room, and headed downstairs to find Duncan.

When I reached his office, I was surprised to find Joel's two friends stood outside.

They briefly looked at me in shock, then quickly lowered their heads.

"Is Duncan in?" I asked gesturing to his office.

"I think so," the male replied.

I went to open the door, when, Lyla, I think her name was, suddenly burst out, "Where's Joel?"

I looked back at her slightly puzzled.

"I don't know. He left about 5 minutes ago."

They exchanged a look with one another, then both turned and hastily walked out of the door.

I briefly chastised myself for not interrogating them further, as judging by their worried expressions, they might know more about what was going on with Joel.

I walked into Duncan's office, and raised an eyebrow at the guilty expression that flashed across his face as he quickly ended his phone call.

This was definitely a day of firsts.

"Master Bournville," Duncan said, now as composed as ever, "can I help you with something?"

I sat myself down on the chair in front of him, and scrutinised his face.

Duncan sat very still, no emotion showing.

"Duncan, we've known each other for a long time right?"

"Yes Sir," he replied, with some uncertainty.

"And we've always had a good relationship, right?"

"Yes Sir," he said, his expression growing more puzzled.

"And you wouldn't lie to me right?"

Duncan had the decency to look appalled by the idea, "Of course not," he said.

"Good," I replied. "So you can answer me one question. Why was Joel acting peculiar today?"

Duncan gulped and shifted nervously in his seat, showing that he did know the answer to my question, but was reluctant to give it up.

"Well, you see," he began, "it's sort of personal."

I could see I was making him uncomfortable, but right now I didn't care. I just needed to know what was wrong with Joel.

"That may be the case, but he is part of my staff and that gives me the right to know if there is something that might mean he is not performing his duties as he should."

Duncan was silent for a moment before saying, "And has he not performed his duties as he should?"

I winced at Duncan's ability to outsmart me.

"Well, no, but that doesn't mean he won't."

"And I can assure you, that if his personal life does affect his work, I will be the first one to inform you of the issue."

I sighed, knowing that Duncan had me beat. I could use my authority as soon to be alpha and make Duncan tell me, but I would never do that to him. It would be stepping over a line that I could never come back from.

"Please Duncan," I tried, "can you tell me, not as his employer, but as his......acquaintance....whether or not he is ok?"

Duncan raised an eyebrow at me.

"I can tell you that what is going on with Joel doesn't concern you as an employer or as an.....acquaintance."

The way Duncan said that last word made me wrythe in my own skin. Why couldn't I admit he was more than that? And why did I feel as though Duncan was judging me for not admitting it?

I felt my shoulders drop.

"You're not going to tell me anything are you?"

Duncan sighed, and for the first time I felt his defences drop a little.

"Look Casper," he said.

By the use of my first name, I knew that he was now talking to me as a friend, not a member of my staff.

"I know you're concerned, and I'm sure Joel appreciates that, but he is absolutely fine. Whatever it is he is going through, he has his family and friends to help him. He's young, and I'm sure he'll get through it just fine."

I felt some reassurance at his words and nodded at him before getting up to leave.

Just as I was about to walk out of the door, Duncan called my name again.

"And just a word of advice. Take it or ignore it, I don't mind. But you asked me to be honest, so I'm going to ask the same of you. And I don't mean be honest with me, I mean be honest with yourself. Because when you do that, you might find some of the answers that you've been looking for."

----------------------------

I didn't see Joel again that day, or the next, or the next.

In fact a whole week went by before I saw him again, and even then it was only a glimpse as he disappeared down a corridor.

My mind was in turmoil. I went over and over what Duncan had said, but it never made any sense to me.

I was being honest with myself! I knew that my relationship with Joel was inappropriate, but then that was just because of the strict rules my father had in place. In Emily's household, it would be perfectly normal for me to be friends with the staff.

And how was that going to give me the answers about why Joel was acting weird?

Did me treating him differently make him uncomfortable? It never had before, so why would it start now?

Unless someone had said something to him, like my dad or Luna. But then surely Duncan would have told me that.

No, Duncan definitely seemed to make out that this was nothing to do with Joel being staff here.

But that just didn't make any sense. How could it not have anything to do with that?

My mind constantly ached from thinking about it all so much. In fact, I was so fed up of thinking about it that I actually started to look forward to Emily's visit to start preparing for the upcoming wedding.

Yes, that was just another thing on my mind at the moment.

I was marrying Emily.

I didn't have the energy to fight with my father, so I very quickly agreed to marry Emily, if that was alright by her of course, and she quickly agreed too.

We didn't make a big deal of it. There didn't seem a wish from either of us to parade it around.

Yesterday, after dinner, I had given her our family's ring, and today we had invited immediate members of both our families to announce it officially.

It was a momentous occasion, but not because we were getting married. It was because this was the first time in over 25 years that key members of the two families had got together. It was the first public display to show that the families were no longer at war with one another.

Emily had thrown a bit of the spanner in the works though. Yesterday I heard her request to Duncan that Joel was present to assist her. I heard Duncan try to persuade her against it, but she wasn't having any of it, and eventually he reluctantly agreed.

"Is it me, or has something happened with Joel since I was last here," she said as the two of us sat together eating lunch.

I was thankful that I had just put a forkful of food in my mouth therefore giving me an excuse not to reply to her right away.

I swallowed the food that now tasted like sawdust in my mouth.

"Nothing has happened in work, but I believe he is going through some personal things at the moment. I think Duncan has lightened his duties."

Emily raised her eyebrows. "Is he ok? Have you spoken to him to see what's wrong?"

"I've barely seen him to be honest," I said, "and even if I did ask him, I doubt he would tell me."

"Why not?" she asked, but then before I could answer she said, "maybe I'll ask him."

"I don't know," I said, torn between liking the idea of her maybe sorting out this puzzle for me, and being scared that I didn't want her to know what was going on, in case it had something to do with me.

"I get the impression Duncan wants everyone to give him space," I added.

She looked thoughtful for a moment, before saying, "maybe, but it won't do any harm just to ask if he's alright."

I knew there was no persuading her to do any different, so I left it alone.

But later, as the first guests started to arrive, I had this feeling in the pit of my stomach. A feeling that today wasn't going to go as planned. And I didn't like it. I didn't like it one bit.

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