I've changed my mind.

"Hollaback Girl" is my new favorite song.

It's shot right up my list.

All the way to the top.

To number freaking one!

I'm allowing myself to forget all about what happened last time I heard that song because what's happening now is so much better.

So much better!

My body finds the beat.

So does Jennie's.

In sync.

To the music.

And too each other.

We're moving as one as we both lose ourselves to the music.

We're touching too.

Barely touching.

But we are.

My eyes stay on hers, as hers do on mine.

Locked.

On each other.

The fact that we're not alone doesn't even register with me.

Not when Jennie is dancing so well and so close to me.

I only see her.

I only feel her.

In a bolder move then I ever expected to make, my hand moves to her hip.

Just resting there, not really moving but the charge it sends through me is absolutely electric.

So hot.

And something flickers in Jennie's eyes as I move closer.

I can't be the only one feeling this right?

This bubble of energy.

This attraction.

This force that pulls me towards Jennie.

The force I have no control over.

I want to hold back, see her intentions and gauge her reaction to what is going on.

But I need to feel her against me more.

Her body.

All of her.

It can't be one sided.

It just can't.

But maybe it is.

Maybe I'm wanting something I can't have or something that isn't meant for me.

We're moving so fast, so in tune and so deliciously close that my breathing is becoming labored.

Maybe Jennie just likes to dance.

Close.

With me.

God, I want to grab her and kiss her.

Run my fingers through her hair as our lips move in harmony like our bodies already are.

I've never felt desire like this.

Or want.

Or need.

It's overwhelming, so overwhelming.

Her eyes move to my lips and then back to mine.

I think.

The song changes but I don't care.

I don't hear it.

I only hear the thumping of my heart.

I only feel the throbbing of my entire being.

It's all so much.

Too much.

I can't keep going like this if my intentions are to behave myself.

I can't keep my guise of friendship up when I can feel Jennie's breath on my skin.

How can this attraction be one sided?

It can't.

Right?

It doesn't seem possible or fair.

Life isn't always fair though. It rarely is actually.

God, I can feel her leg against my own.

Her flesh on mine.

And it's not enough, not nearly enough.

But then I have to remind myself that we aren't alone. Not in this room and not in the outside world.

Bobby and Rose are with us.

And Hanbin is hanging over her head as well.

He's there even if he's not here.

I hate that my mind went to him but it did. He's not out of the picture, he's just out of the state and no amount of wishing or hoping can make him disappear permanently.

And then Jennie's hand moves to my hip.

Mirroring my movement, making us dance even closer.

I didn't think that was possible but it is.

There's no space between us, not an inch.

I can feel all of her.

All of her.

On me.

Against me.

I'm burning.

Everywhere.

Heat is radiating through me.

What if I am the only one feeling this, experiencing this, craving more?

What if my obsession with Jennie is just that, an obsession?

One that will not be returned.

One that will leave me devastated.

One that will leave me more crushed than what Soojoo did.

That's what scares me.

Terrifies me as we continue to dance.

Sends a pit into my stomach that stays there.

It won't leave.

It causes me to move back and to break the connection between us.

It makes me look away.

Damn my doubts.

Damn my hang ups.

Damn!

Why can't I be braver?

Why can't I just go for it?

Doesn't matter what the answer is, I just can't.

I need a sign from Jennie, one that isn't subtle, one that can't be written off as a product of my over active imagination.

And I don't think I'll get that.

Not tonight anyway.

Maybe not ever.

I hope that isn't true, but it is a possibility.

A distinct one.

Fuck!

I want this to be easy.

Why does it have to be so hard?

I look over at Rose and Bobby.

I plead with them silently to come and save me from myself.

From my soon to be panic attack and from doing something stupid.

Something I'll regret.

Like the troopers that they are, they get me, they understand what I need and they don't question. That to me is what makes great friends. Not questioning, just doing.

They join Jennie and me on the dance floor and they join our prom.

The best night of my life.

I want it to stay that way and I was very close to ruining that.

We dance as a group, we laugh, we joke around and we have a lot of fun.

Bobby leaves every once in a while to check the music but Rose stays.

She acts as the buffer I need her to be and when I make eye contact with Jennie ever so often I wonder if it's disappointment that I detect in her brown hues.

If it is, she doesn't question me either.

She dances and gives me one nose crinkly smile after the other.

There are times where we touch, move like we once were, but the feeling is different and not nearly as intense.

Enjoyable but not as nearly as heart stopping.

At one point I need to rest my feet so I go over to a nearby chair and sit down.

I'm quickly joined by Rose as Jennie dances with Bobby.

He's twirling her around and squealing like only he can.

"What's up?" Rose asks as she also rests her feet.

I look over at my brother and Jennie and her eyes are on me, watching me, so I smile to let her know that I'm ok.

I am.

Because above all else I'm getting to share this night with three people I care a lot about.

"Nothing, just taking a break," I reply to Rose as my eyes remain on Jennie.

Rose doesn't seem convinced. "You sure?"

"Very sure," I say with conviction.

"Well then what are you doing sitting down girl, get that ass of yours up," Rose grabs my hand and yanks me back to the middle of the dance floor.

I gently push her in fake annoyance and just like that we're all dancing again.

Bobby keeps talking like he's from the street.

Rose encourages him.

And Jennie and I do our own little dance around a bigger issue that has nothing to do with what's happening now.

I have no idea how much time passes.

How long we're at prom.

But I am surprised when Bobby and Rose announce that they are leaving.

Something about an early meeting they both have tomorrow.

They really are terrible liars.

Terrible, terrible, lovely amazingly generous liars.

We say good-bye, they stumble out the door and now I'm all alone with Jennie.

Just the two of us.

Alone.

I'm not quite sure what to do or how to react

My stomach churns and then in one move by Jennie we're back dancing.

Laughing and twirling each other around.

The mood is so light, so happy and so damn carefree.

How does she do that?

Know exactly what I need from her.

How to make me at ease when other things are threatening to make me run.

Not literally, I would never do that. I mean pull back and let my issues overwhelm me.

We're giggling a lot as Jennie swings me around and then it's my turn and the giggling only gets louder.

You'd think we were the ones drinking all night but neither one of us has touched a drop. We're just having an absolutely great time.

Such a good time.

I love that I'm with her on this night.

My prom night.

I have my night back.

No matter what happens with Jennie I will always have this night.

With her.

The night that I didn't get back in high school.

The night that was until now linked with Soojoo and her betrayal.

It's not anymore.

This night will be forever tied to Jennie and what she's given me.

She's given me more then I ever could have asked for. Thirty years from now, someone could ask me about my prom and I won't even remember about the night that never was and the hurt in my heart.

I won't remember any of that.

I'll remember this night.

I'll remember feeling so special.

I'll remember only this and nothing else.

There's no pain anymore from Soojoo, nothing, all I feel is exhilaration and complete happiness.

When something bad happens people always say it happens for a reason. And at the time you want to tell those people where to go.

But if I never had that awful experience with Soojoo, I'd never have gotten to have this amazing one with Jennie.

And I wouldn't trade this time with Jennie for anything.

Funny how life works like that.

It may sound hard to believe, but that pain, that gut wrenching pain was all worth it to get this night. I'd live through it again in a heartbeat.

Especially now that it doesn't hold any place in my heart or my head.

All that's there is Jennie.

Only her.

How do you thank someone for that?

I'm not sure you can really but I will find a way. That I vow.

I try lamely to communicate my gratitude with my eyes because I'm not sure words would do what I'm feeling justice.

I trusted Jennie with my biggest secret and she managed to turn it around into one of my greatest moments.

Amazing.

She really is.

So incredibly amazing.

We start to move again when the song changes.

It's not fast anymore.

Not that kind of fast anyway.

I freeze.

So does Jennie.

This is not what I expected, hoped for, but not expected.

And then I find my voice, my courage and my bravado that I earlier boasted about. "Jennie, may I have this dance?"

I sound different but the same.

Assured but nervous.

Hopeful but cautious.

Even if she says no, It'll be...

"I would love to," Jennie replies and I nearly jump out of my skin.

We drift towards one another.

Eyes locked again.

I put my arms around Jennie's neck and her hands go around my waist.

No fumbling, no awkwardness, nothing.

So easy.

I... I am watching you sleep
It's the promise you've made
What I find I can keep
Oh I...want to swallow the moon

"Are you comfortable with this?" I ask.

I have to.

I don't want her dancing just to please me.

Jennie nods her head and her voice comes out in almost a whisper. "I always am with you."

Give a smile back to you
Lighting your way
Tell the Angels they'll just have to wait

We sway together and we wear matching smiles.

Finally I'm relaxed.

My mind seems to have slowed down from the frenzied pace it was once keeping.

'Cause I wanna stay here in this moment
Can I quietly slip into you
You and I can stay here in this moment
Let the world fade away,
I just want to stay with you

Nothing else exists right now.

Nothing outside this room.

Just Jennie and I.

Dancing, communicating silently, having a moment.

I... I am watching you breathe
I am pulled into you
As you smash into me
Oh I want to give you the stars

I've shared moments with girls wearing a lot less clothes.

But none have been as intimate as this one.

Not even close.

What's happening now goes beyond sex or even a kiss.

It's about this deep connection that I feel to the girl in my arms and the girl whose arms I'm in.

All that I can hold in my arms
Placing them where you lay
Tell the Angles they'll just have to wait

Our foreheads are almost touching.

Our bodies are tightly together.

So close.

So much closer than before.

And our eyes aren't budging either.

'Cause I wanna stay here in this moment
Can I quietly slip into you
You and I can stay here in this moment
Let the world fade away,
I just want to stay with you

"Thank you for such a great night, Jen," I say because I want to make sure she knows just a bit of what I feel, of how much all of this means to me.

How much she means to me.

"Thank you for letting me share it with you," Jennie replies as her voice cracks.

Emotion that I've never heard comes shining through.

With my hand on your skin we can slowly begin, I am free
Now the heavens have less
Cause I've found the best and I won't let them take you away
Tell the angels they'll just have to wait...

Our conversation stops and our movements get even slower.

We're barely dancing.

My fingers tickle the back of Jennie's neck.

I have to touch her.

'Cause I wanna stay here in this moment
Can I quietly slip into you
You and I can stay here in this moment
Let the world fade away,
I just want to stay with you

This moment is growing into something else.

It's not about a dance anymore, or a prom or about me.

It's about us.

And the change I detected earlier.

The one that I couldn't put my finger on.

I wanna stay here in this moment
Make the earth stand impossibly still
Disappear in your kiss, we'll never be missed
Let the world fade way, I just want to stay with you

The song fades out.

But we're left wrapped in each other's arms on the dance floor.

What I want is right there for the taking.

I can see what I'm feeling staring right back at me.

After all this time, I see it clear as day.

Her lips are calling to me.

And now I hear that call where I didn't before.

The kiss I desperately want is momentarily forgotten though as a realization hits me so forcefully it leaves me breathless.

As much as I've wanted Jennie to fall for me like I've fallen for her, and as much as the prospect of her not returning those feelings scares me.

The prospect that she does, scares me even more.