Timeless.

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 BANG....BANG...BANG

 This picture clutched in my fingers.

 BANG...BANG...BANG

 My eyes were fixed on it, but not really looking at it.

 BANG...BANG...BANG

 Those times when you stare off, at say...the wall or something. You're not really just staring at the wall. BANG...BANG...BANG. Its like you're looking past it, thinking about something else, replaying other scenes, seeing other pictures. 

A dream state, wide awake. I should have tossed this out years ago, but, for some reason every time it got into my hands this happened. I would stare for hours, those memories flooding back. My choices replayed, alternatives pleague me, and I end up thinking the same thing. "Did I really, and truly, make the right decision?" 

BANG...BANG...BANG.

"I'm trying to ignore you!" I yelled finally sitting the picture beneath my pillow, turning towards the closed (and locked, for good reason) door.

"Hows that goin' for ya?" Scott yelled back. BANG...BANG...

"Fine!" I yelled getting up and storming over to my door, only opening it enough to see him standing there in his sunglasses, wearing that same 'good morning' smile. I hated it so. "yes?" I asked as pleasent as I could at the moment.

"You coming down for breakfast?" He asked shoving his way into my room. This room, I always thought of it as temporary, but so far, its been looking pretty permenant.

I sighed lighting a cigarette, sitting down next to him on the sofa in the corner. "Do you really even need to ask?"

"Why do you never eat breakfast Riles?"

I gave him a strange look. "I need a reason?" 

He laughed nudging my arm. I'm not really a playful person these days, but nobody seems to be getting the message. I just kind of grin and bare it for the sake of everyone here.

Scott continued on talking about some date he and his girlfriend Jene were going on later, but honestly, these voices are muffled, they all sound the same and I truly do not care for it. Especially Scott's happy go lucky morning moods. 

I am not, and have never been, a morning person.

Not since I would get up before six AM to train with Logan before he left the team, and... I wrapped my arms around my stomach and clenched.

"You ok?" He asked noticing the gesture.

I looked up and forced a smile. "Something I ate yesterday."

He nodded. "Or you're hungry...like a normal person and should really come down and eat breakfast with everyone." He prods. I could knock his face off when he does this.

I sighed. "I'm not coming down Scott, just go eat. I have stuff to do anyway." I said standing up and gesturing toward the door. He nodded and just walked out.

They think I'm horrible for not wanting all this quality time, and if I cared I would probably do something about it, like, I don't know, make more public appearences. I enjoyed my solitary life-style. I think deciding to move into this huge school was a big enough step for me, but no one really sees it that way. 

Scott is young though, he probably doesn't even remember me from that awful island...I clenched my stomach again falling onto my bed once more. 

This pain, this...emptiness hits me when I think about it.

We never discuss it, ever since the professor talked me into staying here, we never bring it up, as if that part of my life barely happened at all. I cling to it though, I cling to this pain. I hardly remember faces, and names come and go. They deserve better, they deserve a bigger part of me. Chris, John, Logan, Fred, .........Wade....

I closed my eyes tight and took a deep jagged breath.

I sat up running my hands through my red hair, the professor tells me I need to learn to let things go. Its healthier to move on with a new life and be happy that I have such oppertunities, that I shouldn't have to be burdoned with the weight of their memories forever. I disagree, I need those memories or I'll lose all sense of who I am, or was. I made the decision yesterday night, while I was trying to force myself to sleep that I had given up so much, even my name is different these days. (The professor thought it safer.)

I sighed. "How do you just let go?" I asked myself out loud.

"Let go?" Came a female voice. 'I forgot to lock the door, I'm going to punch Scott later I think.'

I sat up to see Aurora standing at the foot of my bed. "its nothing." I said sitting up and giving her a nice, big, fake smile. "Anything you need?" I asked.

She gave me a strange look. "Not really, Scott told everyone you were feeling ill this morning. Should you see Jene?" She sincerely cared, but the problem was, I didn't recognise that anymore.

"No." I said shortly.

Awkward silence. Is there any other silence? And can a silence be awkward as opposed to a comfortable one? Things like this also creep into my head now and then. Its a scary place in here.

She shrugged. "Well I guess I'll leave then." She said with a sigh and turned. "We have someone new coming today anyway."

My eyes grew wide. Another welcoming ceremony? I couldn't be here for that. I jumped up out of my bed. "Hey Storm?" I called. She peaked back into my room. "I'm actually gonna run into town today for a while, I have to grab some stuff. Cool if I miss this one?" I asked.

She smiled and nodded. With that she left, my next task was to run down to the professor, trying to be unseen by the kids running around this place, he might as well be running a freak carnivale.

Downstairs there were a few early risers, students who didn't get assignments done who are now rushing trying to complete them before class. Getting past them was easy enugh, quick smile and a nod and they continue and I went on my way. 

I sprinted by the kitchen door to avoid Scott and his posse of morning people. Ugh. How do they manage to be so happy in the mornings of all times. I found the professor sitting behind his desk in his classroom prepping for the day. I kind of shot him a smile as I entered, closing the door behind me.

"Ah." he said looking up to me with that fatherly smile. "I was hoping you would come and find me."

"yeah, I wanted to run something by you." I said standing. Sitting down would suggest I was here to talk, but I wasn't. Merely to inform him of the decision I had already made.

"You want to leave before the ceremony today." He stated. I nodded. "thats fine, you don't have to be here technically."

"Thats wonderful." I said turning to leave.

"Riley?" He asked forcing me to stop instantly. I gritted my teeth when anyone would use that fake ass name. I turned to him again. "Is there anything else you would like to discuss?" He asked.

I laughed with a sigh. "Of course you would know that answer already wouldn't you?" I asked back. "When honestly, there is something you would like to talk about, " I paused. "Actually, to phrase it better. There is an extremly personal matter rushing about my brain and you would like to invade said personal matter, and place yourself in the middle of something that is none of your concern." I said.

"Your thoughts have been running rampant lately, I'm just worried about your mental state. You seem very...unsure...of well, everything."

"Listen Professor." I said going over and leaning on his desk, looking down on him. "One of the terms of my staying here, is that you would stay out of my head." I said in a dangerous tone. "I can tolerate some light reading once in a while, but those memories... those memories you're poking into, is a little more than I need you meddling in right now."

I fell back in the chair across from him. "Why do you always take the most angry route out of your head?" He asked. "You're a wonderful, sweet girl, and yet you harbor so much pain, so much anger, and you do it willingly."

I huffed rolling my eyes. "You were only there for part of it Xavior." I said back. "The part when I became pain and anger, you wanna find the happiness, the sweet girl you keep telling me I am, but you missed it. You missed that part of my life."

"is there nothing left of it?"

It was quiet for a moment, I wouldn't meet his gaze. I closed my eyes for a moment. Chris is dead, like John, Fred. Logan; I hadn't even seen him since that day, didn't know if he got off the island, but always wondered why he wouldn't come to find me again. I always just figured he went off and started a brand new life, got married, had kids, lived happily but me?...I murdered Wade. I killed all those things for me in one swing. 

"No, nothing." I said standing again. "I'm leaving in an hour."

"Will you even be coming back?" He asked as I opened the door.

"You tell me." I said and walked out.

The trip to my room was a blur, I think I ran into Jene, but I blew right past her. It was dangerous for anyone to be around me at the moment. I slammed the door to my room and put my fist through the wall. It always turned into that with him! I can't even say that I'm grateful to him, its like he brought me back here just to observe me like a rat in a maze.

I threw on my leather, black and red jacket, put my sunglasses on and headed towards the front door. I got into my car and drove to the end of the long drive way, I took a glance at the school in my rear view mirror, and then drove off into town. I didn't even know what I was doing honestly. One place stuck out in my mind, and it almost made me smile. The moment I felt the smallest bit of a smile tug at my lips, a real smile, I knew thats where I would be going. 

Where everything started...

.,....................................................................

Starbucks.

Yeah, starbucks. I was standing in line, still wearing my sunglasses. Watching the people around me. It seemed like everyone was watching everyone these days, ever since "human/mutant" relations became a little more tense than before. Back then we were just shunned, and cast out when someone would chance upon what we really were by some unfortunate accident. I was a little more open about it though, in the last couple years. At one point in time, I was incredibly irresponsible with them. I guess I had just gone so long, trying to hide them, trying not to use them, that I just lost it and let it all out at once. I actually burnt down an entire wing of the school accidentally.

I moved two spots as the next person started placing their order. Its funny to think, years and years back, I was standing here, really starbucks didn't change much at all. Still the same layout in almost every store. I scanned the room once more, in the corner sitting in front of one of the large glass windows, there was a couple. A young guy and a pretty young girl, they were smiling, he reached across the table.......Just then a man came running around the corner, I looked up just in time to get knocked to the ground, spilling my coffee all over my chest...She blushed, loooking down at the table bashfully, my hands in my pockets got warmer....I hit the gas and we were off. He laughed out loud as the crowd was visable in my rear view window. "Yeah!" He yelled out the window.......My hands were still heating up, the young guy leaned across the table slowly...."Wade Wilson." He said shaking my hand. I laughed. "Blyss Varner." ....He kissed her...

My heat died down instantly, as the man behind the counter slapped my cup down loud enough to bring me back to my senses. I handed him the money and picked up my coffee, I looked back towards the couple on my way out and they were already gone. I was sitting outside the shop at one of the tables, with a magaziene in front of my eyes, but I wasn't reading. That scene, what just happened to me in line, thats what happened when I burned the school, I saw Jean and Scott. I clenched my fists 'I had that once! Some old physco fucker stole that from me!" I thought, the pages gripped by my fingers starting smoldering, I threw the magaziene down and got up storming off to my car again.

I got in my car, and smashed my hands against the steering wheel several times...and I cried...I didn't stop until I was sure at least two of my fingers were broken. . . "Ya know Wade, I've laughed more with you in the little time I've know you, than I have in my life ever." He smiled . . . I wrapped my hand around my broken index finger and pulled, in one quick jerking pain, the bone reset. . ."Well I'm glad I could do you that kindness." He said kissing my cheek. He pulled away, paused, kissed my other cheek, almost on my lips, pulled away again to look in my eyes. He ran his fingers over my lips softly, I closed my eyes in bliss, then I felt his lips on mine gently. . . . I did the same with the next one. My whole body ached for him, his smile, his touch....I missed his touch to the point of being unbarable. There were a lot of memories I could draw from, to have him back just for a split second, but it was never enough.

I sighed wiping my eyes, started my car and began driving. It seemed pathetic, like a teenager going through their first ever break up, its much worse knowing you'll never see that person again, and still not being able to let go completely. I gritted my teeth, I almost hated him for some delusion I had after the explosion on 3-mile island...At least I think it was an explosion, I remember everything going black, and I remember seeing him...."I want you remember me like I was, and am now. I'll be seeing you again, our stories aren't over yet baby, not by a long shot..." He said. . .I hated myself for that. I waited, years, for what he promised me. He wasn't coming back though, It was a childish hope and I felt stupid for holding on. It took almost a full hour of driving through the city for me to realise, where did I have to go? I left everything behind to move into the compound with everyone, it was really the only place I had.

I was actually considering going back, it had been a few hours now, maybe the welcoming ceremony was over. I could probably go back, try to sneak up to my room without anyone noticing, until tomorrow morning when Scott would come to my room again and try to get me to come down for breakfast, I would shut him down and lay in my room until someone actually needed me for a lesson or something.....

Or I could go home, I could tell Scott I was sorry for how I acted this morning, Storm too. I could actually pop in on the newby and it really wouldn't kill me to have breakfast with them now and then....as long as they moved it from six in the morning til maybe ten, eleven would be even better. I laughed to myself. 'Am I really doing this right now?' I asked myself.

'Its your mind after a breakdown.' Came Xavior's voice again. I rolled my eyes heading back to the mansion. 'I know you don't like when I bring it up, but you're letting go, at least beginning to.'

"God," I sighed. "They should just call you doctor Phil."

'I don't get the reference.' He said simply. That one actually did make me laugh.

"I didn't honestly think you would." I said lighting a smoke while I was driving.

'well back to why I contacted you in the first place, before you see anyone I need you to come find me first.'

"got it, straight to your office." I said back.

'I mean it Riley. I have some things I need to explain to you, and I do feel like I need to apologise to you for prodding in your mind without your consent...'

I laughed again, "Don't worry about it, just let me know first, and stay out of things you know you shouldn't be in alright?" He agreed and I was headed back. 

I didn't know what he wanted to speak to me about, he just kept telling me that it would be better for me to be there in person. I kind of hoped it wasn't about the hole I put in the wall upstairs, or the hole I kicked in Scott's door a couple of days ago when he wouldn't stop knocking on my door....or the lamp I smashed in the library because Scott kept talking, and talking, and talking while I was trying to read....Now that I'm thinking about it, Scott really is the center of most of my anger issues....I should probably talk to him about that when I get the chance, I'll even make sure there are witnesses around when I do, so I'm not tempted to make him....ya know....dead.

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