"Where's Alec?" I ask Diego, who has just entered the warehouse.

"In the mobile surgical unit. A man was brought in. Alec said it was something urgent. Why?"

"The supplies he's been waiting for finally arrived. He might need them for this surgery."

Diego nods."Let me take them to him."

"I'll do it," I say instead. "If you can, unpack those two boxes I put next to the shelf."

Diego doesn't waste time, and neither do I. I hurry to the trailer and enter it, glancing around in search of someone who can receive the things I'm carrying. Finally, I spot Lily in the scrubbing and preparation area.

"Lils, wait," I say when I see she's about to scrub up at the sink. "I've brought some things for Alec. Needles and catheters. They've just arrived, and I know he's been waiting."

Lily smiles and nods. "Thanks. Leave them here, and I will take care of everything when we're done. Alec needs one more person. It's an appendectomy, but there's a complication."

I take a tentative step forward and peer into the operating room through the glass panel that separates it from the area we're in.

Lily notices and chuckles. "You can watch, but make sure Alec doesn't see you. He hates distractions."

"I know," I say. "Good luck."

Lily leaves. She's one of the nurses who assist Alec. The other one is the guy named Jeremy, who is currently standing next to Alec.

Alec's brows are furrowed. He hardly speaks, but somehow, those who assist him know what he wants them to do. I don't miss a single detail of what's going on in the room. Seeing Alec in action is one of the most fascinating things I've witnessed since I arrived here. He has yet to discover my habit of spying on him and being where I'm not supposed to be. Lily and Jeremy don't snitch, but if they did, Alec would have kicked me out of the trailer, bloodied hands or not.

A while passes, and when I see Alec is about to close the wound, I make my way out.

"How was the surgery?" Diego asks.

"Appendectomy. The guy is alive, so I think it's okay. Do we have anything else to do?"

Diego shakes his head. "No. Are you ready for the party tonight?"

"Not really in the mood, but yeah, I think so."

"Muchacho, muchacho (boy)," Diego mumbles and shakes his head. "Living a little won't hurt."

"I guess so. See you later?"

"Of course, Brian."

I turn around swiftly and leave the storage room where my friend is. Since I started to work for the organization, we've had several celebrations, but tonight's one is a full-blown party - a festival with music and good food. I'm not sure I deserve to have fun.

As I stroll back to my tent, I go through the to-do list in my mind. The supplies are unpacked and stored. All the transport is serviced and ready to be used. I don't have any excuses left. Bowing out of the celebration won't be easy.

In the tent, I grab my journal and some pens and go to sit on a log outside. The day isn't that hot. The weather is pleasant. A light breeze blows against my skin, and as I write down everything worth mentioning for the first time in the last three days, I relax.

I would have lost count of the days hadn't it been for the journal. The notebook helps me keep track of what's going on. My short entries became longer as time passed. Diego is right, after all. Writing your thoughts can be therapeutic.

Nobody disturbs me for over two hours I spend writing. When I'm done, I grab the camera and take a long walk, snapping pictures of the local people preparing everything for the party tonight. Many notice me and greet me with a wave of their hands. I fixed stuff for a couple of them. It was a bike for one man and a car for the other one. It took me barely an hour, but they are still grateful, saying Brian whenever they see me and smiling at me.

It's evening by the time I'm back at the tents. A huge bonfire is lit up, and our group is gathered around it, holding styrofoam cups in their hands. I sit next to Lily, and she puts her arm around my shoulders and smiles at me. "You okay?"

"Yeah. What did I miss?"

"The man is recovering well, in case you wanted to know," Lily whispers in a conspiratorial tone. "Alec is in a good mood today."

My eyes roam the crowd and land on the guy in question. He is laughing at the story Diego is telling together with two other guys that work with us.

Music is heard in the air. I came to know it's called gamelan, a combination of several instruments typical of the country. For a while, everyone stops talking and listens in. Then, the conversations restart. Lily is joking with Jeremy. I take advantage of it and leave her side.

My cup is empty. I twirl it in my hands as I sit on the same log where I spent the afternoon, far from the rest of the people.

I study the whiskey-stained interior of the white cup, and my eyes water in the most stupid and pathetic way. It's not homesickness; I've been here long enough to adapt to the place, and I like the job. I see the results of what we're doing. It might not be so visible to the rest of the world, but it sure as hell is noticeable to the people who live here, and that's enough.

My sadness carries Leah's name. I know she's in college, and I know she's enjoying it. I dreamed about her last night. A light, pleasant dream about the two of us, sitting on the wooden pier by the lake and kissing.

I haven't seen her or heard her voice in months. Unable to resist it, I checked her Instagram. She looks even more beautiful. Different, too. Leah had her hair cut. Now, it's much shorter. It doesn't even reach her shoulders, but it suits her. I saved the screenshot, and I'm glad to have done so because she made her profile private afterward.

I haven't added anything new to mine. A picture of the two of us is the last thing I posted there, and I want to keep it that way. I miss Leah so much it hurts me physically. I wanted to call her. My fingers hovered over the screen several times, but I stopped myself from doing it. What would I achieve? I would disturb her and make her sad. I'm thousands of miles away. By the time I'm back, she will be done with her first year of college. She will be different, already is. I hurt her once, and it would kill me to do it again.

"Take it."

I snap out of it and notice Alec standing next to the log, holding a plate full of food and another cup with some whiskey in it.

"Thanks," I say quietly and grab what he's giving me. I wipe my cheeks quickly before grabbing the plate, and I hate that Alec notices.

"How's your friend?" the guy asks, sitting next to me.

"Out of the rehab today."

"That's a reason for a celebration. Have you talked to him?"

I shake my head. "Jim told me that."

"You should call him."

Taking a swig from the cup, I look at Alec. "I...I can't. I'm ashamed. I don't know what I will do if he hates me. He has every right to hate me."

"What if he misses you and wonders where you are? Don't make decisions for other people, Brian."

"Easy for you to say," I mumble, studying the amber liquid in my cup. Laughter floats in the air, the fire bathes everything in warm, yellow light, but none of it makes me cheerful. I don't feel like celebrating.

"Caleb was my best friend." I hear Alec say. He's staring at the bright flames of the bonfire and goes on speaking after a brief pause. "We went to the same kindergarten, the same school, then to the same college, and then to war. We saw death daily. We saved lives daily. The mission was almost over. After years of risking our lives to save others, we decided to quit and work at a civilian hospital. Caleb was eager to do some research. He had ideas and projects. His mind was always working. It's funny that of the two of us, I was the gifted one."

Alec's words make me stare at him. My mouth opens, but he speaks again.

"We were due to leave the following day. And for the first time, our vehicle was ambushed. It wasn't protected. I guess we relaxed and forgot that you could never let your guard down. It was a short drive from the village where we helped some civilians, and I was behind the wheel.

"They started to shoot, aiming directly at us. There was no way we could escape. I tried to dodge the bullets, but it was pointless. They blew up the tires. And the next shot would have killed me, but Caleb took the hit, putting himself in front of me as a human shield.

"They thought we both died, but only he did. I held him until he took his last breath. I, the one who saved countless lives, could do nothing to save Caleb's. And I hated him. I hated him so much for dying instead of me. He sacrificed his life without a second thought. I didn't deserve it."

"Fuck," I say. Alec and I look at each other. His eyes are glistening, and his voice is shaky when he tells me, "Ask me how. Ask me how I can live with myself."

I don't.

Alec sighs and says, "The truth is, I don't know. I buried my friend and got help. I quit, but that life without danger...that peace...I didn't think I deserved it then. I still don't think I do. And now, months later, it still hurts. It hurts, but I know that guy. I know that he would want me to save lives and do something meaningful. We've been dreaming about it since we were kids. Every life I save is for him. In his memory."

"I'm sorry," I manage to say. "It must be so damn hard."

"Saving lives? Nothing is easy if it's worth it," says Alec.

"I've heard that one before." I smile. "And I didn't mean that. I meant losing your friend."

"I don't think I'll ever stop feeling guilty, or missing him, but I'm doing my best to live with it. Your friend survived, Brian. You can still make memories together. Don't give up on him. And don't give up on that girl you cry about."

I blush. Alec draws an arm around my shoulders and gives them a squeeze. "I'm not blind. I know you're hurting. And I know you're like me."

"What do you mean?"

Alec simply shrugs. "Gifted."

"I never told you I was."

"You knew what was wrong with my bike after a glance at it. You fixed the damn generator when I was confident you wouldn't be able to. That told me a little something."

"I'm a normal guy," I say.

Alec chuckles as he sips from his cup. "So am I. Being smart never helped me get laid, anyway. Now, being a surgeon..."

We laugh. For the first time in over one hundred days, my laughter is genuine, and the guilt isn't that suffocating.

We join the rest of our group and spend half of the night talking and getting to know each other better.

I am the first one to leave. I go back to the tent and sit at the only table we have there with my phone in my hands and the earbuds in my ears. I scroll through the gallery and look at the pictures of Leah and Mac. The life I used to have seems distant. It dawns on me that I might not be the same guy anymore.

Having made a cup of coffee for myself, I put it on a platter and listen to Jim's new song. I can tell it's about his girl, and I'm eager to meet her once I'm back home. I can't wait to piss the fucker off. After all, he did it with me when he met Leah.

Some time passes. Diego and Alec aren't back yet. I finish my coffee, yawn, and pull the earbuds out of my ears, ready to hit the sack.

Just as I am about to get up from my chair, Alec bursts into the tent. His eyes are wide.

I frown, and then still, watching as the cup rattles on the platter.