It's dark around me. I wipe my eyes with the sleeve of my PJs and bury my face in the pillow. I want to stop crying, but the tears keep on falling. They have been since I came home from the party and collapsed on my bed, pulling the covers over myself in a vain attempt to hide from the world in which Brian is back.

He is back. He's here, in my college, and I feel his presence physically. He managed to infiltrate everything - the city where I now live, the place where I study, my thoughts, and my heart.

The mattress dips on either side of me. Gentle hands touch me through the comforter.

"She alive?" a voice whispers.

"Seems to be breathing," another one replies.

I lift the comforter just a tiny bit and peek from beneath it. I might as well be seeing double because two blonds, not one, are there.

"I should have told you," Annie says. Her voice sounds subdued and concerned. "I wanted to, but Nash was here, and I didn't know what the right way to act was. I had no idea you would see him at the party, Leah."

"I'm sorry," says Tara. "You should have told me that was why you decided to leave the frat house early."

"What would it change?" I manage to utter. "He would still be here, and I would still cry and be pathetic."

Both girls lie down next to me. I am sandwiched between my two worried friends, but I can't manage to feel warm. Chills run through me the way they did when I stood on the sidewalk next to Brian in my short dress and a thin jacket.

"You're very far from being pathetic," says Annie. "He's your first love."

My only love, the annoying voice in my head reminds me. I wish it would shut up.

"I can't even imagine how I would feel if I were you," my friend goes on. "If Kenzie and I broke up, and then I saw him, I would... God, I would probably faint right there."

"Same," Tara says. "You have memories together. I remember hearing you cry when you burned that note. Seeing him must have been so hard."

I sniffle. "It was. Why the hell is he even back? Why now? If he wanted to start over somewhere new, he should have done it for real. And there he goes and says he's back as if it's gonna fix everything just like that. I'm back, Leah. Take off your clothes and jump my pierced dick."

Tara whistles. "Did he say that? Damn, that's hot. Wait, is it really pierced?"

"Oh my God," I choke out. "No, of course, he didn't, and yes, of course, it is."

"That's a tough one then. You have two guys. One is tattooed, the other one's junk is enhanced. It doesn't suck to be you."

"Shut up," I groan.

Annie and Tara chuckle, and the sound puts a stop to my tears, making me smile.

"I hate him," I whisper.

Tara shakes her head. "No, you don't."

Annie strokes a hand down the length of my now not-so-straight and not-so-shiny hair, and so does Tara.

"What else did he say?" asks Annie.

"That he wanted to explain what happened and talk to me."

"And?"

My eyes roam the bedroom as I think about what to answer. The soft morning light seeps into it through the curtains. It's a sunny spring day. If only my mood matched the weather outside.

"And I'm conflicted. I am mad at him, but I also want to know. Do you know where he'd been?"

Annie nods. "I found him sitting outside my apartment complex. He went to talk to Kenzie, but Kenzie closed the door in his face."

I don't want to, but a part of me feels bad for Brian. "Mac's his best friend. His brother."

Annie sighs deeply. "I know. Kenzie is hurt. He might deny it, but he's a mess. I saw him scroll through the pictures he took with Brian on his phone. So, what are you going to do?"

"What should I do?"

I look at Annie and then glance at Tara. She hasn't said much yet. She's also unbiased because she doesn't know Brian. He's not her friend, just a guy I told her about.

"Tara?"

Tara turns her head on the pillow and smiles at me. "I'm going to be a buzzkill and ask you the uncomfortable question. Do you love Nash? Because if you do, the answer is simple- you talk to your ex, get the closure, and go on being happy with the guy you're dating. But I also suspect you wouldn't be crying all night if you loved Nash."

"I care about him. He's everything a girl might want -sweet, sexy, attentive."

"Caring about him and loving him isn't the same."

"I agree," Annie says. "I like Nash. He was there for you when Brian wasn't. He does care about you, Leah. Everyone sees that."

"I cannot be a doormat. I can't be one of those girls who let the guy walk all over them and do whatever he wants. What would that say about me? That I don't value myself enough? That I'm weak and my happiness is tied to another person? That everything I worked so hard for means nothing if Brian isn't with me?"

"You should put yourself first," Annie says, looking at me. "He did hurt you. I know what he did and why he did it, and yeah, I also get his point of view after listening to him. Not why he left you, but why he needed to travel. He's changed, Leah. He looked more...grownup?"

"He did," I admit. "Thinner, too. And I do want to know. I want to know where he'd been and why he did what he did, but..."

"But you're afraid you wouldn't be strong enough to walk away from him once you know the truth."

Tara's words make me nod as I look at the white ceiling. "I feel like I'm cheating on Nash cause I spent all night thinking about another guy. I looked at Brian once, and all of it came back. It was as if those months we spent apart didn't happen, but they did. And I cried into this pillow too many times to forget how much he hurt me. He's the one who caused my tears. He said he loved me on a damn note like a coward when I would have been by his side no matter what. I would have helped him through all of it."

"That was shitty of him," Annie agrees with me. "And that's hard to justify. He had plenty of chances to tell you how he felt."

"Thank you for trying to be objective." I reach out to take Annie's hand in mine. "You've known him all your life. He's your friend. I couldn't even be mad at you if you took his side."

Annie squeezes my fingers. "So are you. I care about both of you, and I've always wanted you to be together. You were and probably still are good for each other. That idiot brought you out of your shell, and you made him happy."

"And yet he left me. He made love to me and left me. I cried in front of his parents, asking them where he was."

Embarrassed blush tints my cheeks, and fresh tears spring from my eyes.

Tara is the one to hug me this time. I sniffle into the silk of her PJs.

Despite the girl's talk, I still have no clue about what to do. My heart aches just as much as it did when Brian's fingers touched my face after nine months of being without him.

***

For the next four days, I am unfocused and can barely sit through the classes. I missed three lectures-something I haven't done since I started college-and my exhaustion is to blame.

Spending less time with Nash is another thing I'm not proud of. I used having to study as an excuse, hoping he wouldn't question it.

I haven't heard from Brian. He must have changed for real if he agreed to give me space so easily. The guy I used to know would chase after me and beg me, making me annoyed instead of willing to talk to him. Do I know him still? Have I ever known him at all?

As I walk to the library, ready for my shift, I pray for a busy afternoon, so busy I would have no time to think.

Much to my dismay, the place is almost empty except for a couple of students I'm used to seeing there. Exams start in two weeks. I'm not surprised people chose to be outdoors. The weather is sunny and warm yet again.

"You look tired," Jenny, another girl who works with me, says.

"I know," I mumble, dropping my purse onto the chair.

"But I have something that will surely cheer you up."

The grin on Jenny's face makes me narrow my eyes at her. "What's that?"

Jenny bites her lip. Her curls bounce as she nods to the desk to my right.

A muffin is on a pink napkin, and a cup of coffee is next to it.

I have to swallow the lump in my throat when I spot a kitten made of milk foam on top of the latte.

"Who left it here?" I ask despite knowing the answer to my question.

Blush erupts on Jenny's already rosy cheeks. "How do I say it? Dark and dangerous? No. Dark, handsome, and dangerous. Maybe he isn't dangerous. He's just tall, you know. And he had a leather jacket on him and a ring on his finger."

Jenny's fangirling makes me smile. He's not dangerous. He might be silly and obnoxious, but there's nothing to be scared of.

Except for when he breaks your heart and leaves you a shattered and hurting mess.

"Oh, and there's a note too," Jenny adds and gives me a folded piece of paper.

I open it with my shaky fingers.

Eat your muffin and drink your coffee, Kitten.

I've stayed away as you asked me, but I think not anymore.

The O'Brien men never give up.

Yours,
Brian