14. Cold

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Jim helped me pack my things. A couple of suitcases held everything. I will have to buy some stuff for the kitchen and the bathroom, but Bast assured me he had the essentials.

My big brother dropped me off at the apartment complex where I am going to live. I glance at my watch and shove a hand into my jeans pocket, but even before I pull the phone out, I see Sebastian walking toward me.

"Hey! You're on time," he says, retrieving the keys to unlock the foyer door.

I grab the handles of my two suitcases and follow Bast into the building. "I told you I only had to pack. I didn't want to waste time."

"Makes sense. I'll lend you a hand with your stuff."

“Thanks, man,” I say as we enter the elevator. A quick ascent later, Bast and I are in my new apartment. The guy cleaned everything. Together, we unpack my things and put them away. Everything is said and done in less than two hours.

“What now?” I ask Bast as we both sit on the couch with our feet propped up on the coffee table.

“You’re not used to lazing around, huh?” Bast smirks. “I’m meeting Evans at the gym. Wanna tag along?”

I think about Mac and not being able to talk to him and all the stress of the last few days. “Yeah, why not?”

“Cool,” Sebastian answers and rises to his feet. “Get ready.”

***

The gym on campus is way better than I expected it to be. Everything looks modern and clean. Only a few guys are working out. We don’t have to wait to use the equipment.

Both Sebastian and I do the warmup routine, and I go on to start some pull-ups. As my fingers wrap around the cold bar, I see two guys entering the gym. Bast waves them over and tips his chin up at me. “Come here.”

I stop exercising and approach the guys.

“Guys, this is Brian, my new roommate.”

“Evans, but nice people call me Drew,” says the tall, strong guy. His brown eyes twinkle with humor as he grips my hand firmly. Bast told me Evans is one of the wide receivers for the college football team. My six foot two seem nothing compared to his height. 

The guy who came with Evans has curly hair and more ink than Mac.

“Nash,” he says, holding his hand out. I grip it and study the dude’s colorful full sleeve. I dig the design.

“Nice ink,” I compliment him.

Nash smiles. “Thanks. So, are you new here?”

“Yeah. Starting in August. I just wanted to find a place to live before the craziness begins, you know?”

Nash nods. “Tell me about it. I share the house with three friends. You were lucky. Finding something good and affordable on campus is almost impossible.”

“So, a new apartment is reason enough to celebrate,” Evans butts in.

“As if you needed a reason.” Bast rolls his eyes. “I don’t know how you manage to stay on the team with all the partying.”

“I deliver.” Evans punches Bast’s bicep, and Sebastian doubles over in fake pain, making Nash and me laugh.

“I was serious about the party. Tonight’s one is good. It’s at the frat house,” Evans says.

“I need to study,” answers my roommate.

Evans booms with laughter. “The nickname I heard over there is true. You are a nerd, indeed.”

“Oh, fuck you,” Bast says, flipping Evans off. “I have the scholarship to worry about. I can’t slack.”

“It’s only one night,” says Nash. “I wish I could go, but...work.”

“It sucks, dude.” Evans gives Nash a sympathetic smile, and then his brown eyes flick over to me. “You’re coming, and it’s not a question. You don’t wanna be a weirdo who knows nobody when your classes start. What’s your degree, by the way?”

“Premed,” I say.

Bast’s brows rise. “Really? So is mine.”

Evans groans and covers his ears with his palms. “Enough of the nerd talk. I’ll see you guys there. Frat house, nine p.m."

I'm not in the mood for a party. As the guys join Sebastian and me and we exercise together, I rack my brain for an excuse that would allow me to stay at home. By the end of the workout, Bast seems enthusiastic about the party, and I reluctantly accept to accompany him.

We say goodbye to the guys and walk home together. Despite the physical fatigue, my mind cannot shut up, replaying the events of the previous days.

I know I need to give Mac space. Smothering him will achieve nothing. Annie asked me to wait while Mackenzie processes the fact that I'm back and cools off. Not knowing when he'll be ready to talk to me makes my stomach churn.

Then there's Leah, whose address I don't know. I cannot ask Annie because it would put her in an uncomfortable position, but Jim must know where Leah lives. Showing up at her doorstep might not be the smartest choice, but the clock's ticking and the desire to see her is stronger with each passing minute.

***

In the evening, Bast and I go to the frat house. As we approach the enormous construction, I am reminded of the parties Lenny used to throw when his parents were away.

The recollection of my nineteenth birthday makes my heart squeeze in my ribcage. I remember dancing with Leah and kissing her in my bedroom. The happy, sweet memories are too much to take.

On autopilot, I twirl the ring she gave me. I haven't taken it off in a year. 

"Evans is here, and so is Elena," Bast says, pulling me out of the trap of my thoughts. "I need to have a word with El. Will you be okay with Drew meanwhile?"

"Sure." I shrug.

Bast nods and jogs over to Elena. The guy is delusional if he thinks that chick feels nothing for him. The way her eyes can't stray from my roommate tells me the fuck buddy arrangement they have might work only for Sebastian.

Drew notices me and I make my way through the small crowd of a few already hammered students to get to him.

"Hey," the guy greets me for the second time today. "Ready to see what the fuss is about?"

I chuckle. "Let's do it."

We walk up the wide, tree-lined driveway in silence. As we enter the frat house, my nostrils register the mix of cigarettes and weed. Some girls and guys are dancing to a rap song. A few couples are making out without bothering to get a room.

"How are you liking the party?" Drew asks over the deafening music.

"It's like going back to high school," I say.

The guy laughs and gestures at his surroundings with his hand. "Nah, this is way better. The chicks are prettier."

Drew and I go to the kitchen and get some Jack to drink. When we're back in the main room, a blond girl is dancing in the middle of it. Bast and Elena are standing to the side.

"Enjoying the show?" Drew asks Sebastian. I can tell Bast does, but he wouldn't admit it, not with Elena shooting daggers at the blond who moves like a pro.

I take a sip from my cup. Curiosity propels me to study the faces of the students around me.

The song changes. With a slow turn of my head, I let my eyes roam the dimly lit room.

They land on a beautiful girl who's observing the makeshift dance floor with a slight smile on her red lips.

I must be high from the weed smoke floating in the air. It cannot be her. 

I swallow and look at her again. My mouth goes dry.

Her soft hair. Her body I adored. The lips I kissed and couldn't get enough of.

My heart squeezes painfully. Torn between fear and excitement, I push through the dancing crowd. 

She's in front of me now. Just as beautiful. Mine.

"Ki—"

The term of endearment leaves my mouth before I can think.

"Don't," Leah whispers. Her voice sounds strangled and pained.

I bite my lip. "Outside?"

We need to talk, but it can't happen in a house full of people. I walk to the front door, terrified to look back and see that Leah didn't follow me. Luckily, she did.

We are standing outside the frat house in no time. I see her better now. The street lights allow me to drink in her features.

Her eyes, her long lashes and her cute little nose. Every little thing that makes her who she is. Every little thing I love.

Unable to keep my jaw from trembling, I lift my hand and move a strand of hair out of Leah's eyes. I'm about to break down like a motherfucker. Having her next to me is more than I can take.

I have to speak, but my voice is gone.

Leah crosses her arms in front of her chest and takes a step back. She avoids my eyes, and it hurts me.

"Leah…"

"What?"

"I'm...I'm back."

I sound pathetic. I am sure pathetic is also how I look, saying stupid shit to the person I hurt because I'm too rattled to find the words.

"You're back," Leah whispers. "You're back," she repeats and covers her face with her palms.

I edge forward and try to hug her, but she takes a step back.

My arms drop to my sides. She's quiet, but her body is telling me I don't deserve to touch her. I lost the privilege.

"What do you want, Brian?" Leah says, finally looking at me.

"To talk. To explain. To tell you where I was. To beg you to—"

Leah shakes her head. "Don't. You want to give me closure but I don't need it anymore. I got it the night I burned your note. I'm glad you're back. You're at a college party, and that means you decided to study. I am happy for you. I hope wherever you'd been—"

"Leah, for fuck's sake, stop. Give you closure? What closure when I'm in l—"

"Don't you dare!"

Leah's voice slices through the night air. It's loud and determined. It doesn't waver, and it scares me.

"Don't you dare," she repeats. "Those words, I craved them. I waited for them. I dreamed about them, but guess what? Not like this. Not because you feel guilty. Not because you don't know what else to say.
And not in a note. For God's sake, not in a note."

"I'm sorry," I choke out. "I'm so, so sorry."

Leah nods. "Apologies accepted. I'm glad you came back. Your brother missed you, and so did Mackenzie."

I want to ask if she missed me too. I want to shake her shoulders and ask her to drop the fucking act. She's not cold. She can't be so unaffected when I can barely breathe.

I'd rather she slapped me. Snapped at me. Cursed me. It would hurt less than this. Less than her indifference.

"I have to go back inside," Leah says. "Please, don't follow me."

I nod. The unsaid words burn my throat. I have hundreds of things I didn't say. I have nine months' worth of things to share with the only girl I've loved.

But she walks away without looking back at me. Not once. Not even a glance.

I bite my lip until I taste blood. I don't return to the party.

Leah asked me not to follow her. I have to respect her wishes.

Instead of going to the party, I go back to my new apartment. 

She is there, smiling at me from the picture on my nightstand.

I fall face-first onto my bed and cry the ugly, pain-filled tears.

Unexpected? Or not really?















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