[47]

- ATLAS -

-

I was so me when I was with her.

I...

I want you to understand that I can be happy sometimes. My world isn't shrouded in darkness all the time. I'm happy when I spend nights laughing with Dawson and Jude over video call; I'm happy when I'm baking in the kitchen with Mom and Gram; I'm happy when I take Jace to the park and hear his laugh as he chases birds; I'm happy when I write.

And with saying all that, happiness wasn't ever a word I'd use to describe what it was like to be in her presence. Her exhale was like a reason for me to breathe and the curve of her lips were a reason for me to smile. When she pulls me closer to her, I always seem to find myself overwhelmed by a feeling I can't ever find a word for.

I feel like I'm in a bubble in space and time and it's just her and me. Nothing matters. Gravity seems like a distant, comical idea. The need to breathe and eat and sleep is secondary to the need to be with her, to feel her right there next to me.

I'm going crazy.

I hope she knows what she's done to me, because there's no way I can let her go after this.

I stared at the fan whirring above me, circling the room and cooling the sweat that's gathered above my brow and on the indents of my body. My shirt was long gone due to the warm humid air flowing in through the open windows.

Tomorrow we'll be boarding our plane back home.

Suddenly, it all felt too real. The packing, the last-minute running around the streets, the endless gift shopping. We were going back home.

Here, I felt like I built a new home with people I never thought I'd be able to grow close to. Here, I felt like I had my own space to breathe without people hovering or caring about who the hell you were when the doors were closed.

My head was spinning, too.

I had the worst headache, like there was a rod slicing right through the top of my head and down my spine.

I had texted Jude a few minutes ago asking if he wanted to go for a walk or something. He said he was out with Julia, looking for something to buy for her mom.

I had failed to notice that they weren't here.

Dawson was playing a video game with Leah downstairs. I could hear the distant shouting coming from the living room.

Eden was video-calling her family so I left her alone to do that. She seemed nervous about it.

I let my hands fall to the side, feeling them softly brush against the sides of my waist—scars, scars, scars everywhere.

My body was littered with them. Whether they were removed or not, you could still see that something wasn't right about my skin. They either looked glossed over or the skin rose irregularly.

The numerous tattoos that bled across my skin seemed to hide them a little.

They were a distraction from the mess in my brain's wiring so that people wouldn't see.

A ping went off from my phone and I felt around the side of my bed for it. Finally feeling the cool glass of my phone screen, I pulled it towards me.

A text from Mom.

Call me, please.

Delivered 10:31 PM

I massaged the back of my head with my hand, groaning softly. I haven't spoken to her in at least a week, avoiding her calls for no legitimate reason. She was one of the few people in the world that could easily pull emotions out of me.

I hated it and loved it.

All my life, I've felt like depression stripped me from being able to feel positive emotions. I don't get angered or excited easily. With the few people that stir emotions out of me, I tend to keep them close.

I need to.

They help me feel normal.

So I pick up my phone and call Mom.

The phone rings for about a second before she picks up. "Hello?" She asks, she sounds frantic.

I don't bother sitting up. The pain throbbing in my head would triple and I was sure I'd vomit.

"Mama? Are you okay?" I ask, rubbing my head gently.

"Atlas, mí amor, are you okay?!" She asks, exasperated. "I haven't heard from you in forever. Don't scare me like that, pór favor."

I groan softly, "Sí, Mamá."

She lets out a sigh, "Why are you making that sound, sweetheart? ¿Estás enfermo otra vez?"

She waited for my answer, but I couldn't seem to get the word no out of my mouth. I wasn't sick, truly. I just wasn't healthy either.

I pull on a smile to be able to force the lie past my lips, "No, Mama. I'm not sick. I'm just really tired. I just want to sleep."

She pauses for a moment, "Have you been sleeping too much, Atlas?"

"No," I reply, flatly.

She sighs and lets it go, "Okay, love. Then, I'll let you go."

"Okay," I nod to myself.

"I miss you terribly. Everyone does." She adds after a moment. My heart squeezes at her words. I miss home. I miss my room. I miss my family. But most of all, I miss my mundane life.

"I miss you guys so much, too," I whisper into the phone.

When we finally said our goodbyes, I willed my body up, pulling myself into a sitting position. I choked back the vomit that climbed up my throat and clutched at my head.

Fuck.

I should take my medicine.

I should fucking take my meds.

My fucking happy pills...

Aching, I leaned over the side of the bed and fumbled for the orange bottle. I pushed my too-long hair out my face and downed two pills dry.

The feeling of wanting to vomit only grew.

After a few seconds of breathing in through my nose and exhaling through my lips, I stood up. I stumbled slightly and groaned at the sudden movement.

Fuck.

I didn't know why I was up or why I was moving, but my body was aching for it. My body was aching for comfort.

Walking out my door and down the hall, I stopped in front of Eden's door and knocked. The yelling from downstairs had quieted down to soft bickering and laughter. Still, the noise seemed to make my headache worse.

When Eden didn't respond, I knocked again.

At her lack of response, I dropped my forehead against the door, whispering her name softly into the wood.

Then, with only a second of hesitation, I turned the doorknob and walked in.

She wasn't in her room, but the water was running in the bathroom, which was where I assumed she was. The fan was whirring above and the cool wind that touched my skin gave me a moment's relief. Her suitcases were neatly packed to the side and her bed was unmade.

I considered walking out the door and back to my room, but I needed her right now. I miss her touch. I miss the eye of the storm that she was to me.

I moved towards her bathroom door and knocked. Inside, she turned the water off for a moment, "Y-Yeah?"

"Eden?" I whispered with my forehead softly brushing the door. Softly, I sighed. I didn't know what the fuck I was doing here. She was trying to shower for God's sake. "I–"

Before I could get the rest of my sentence out, the door was  being unlocked. Eden swung the door open, a concerned look on her face. She was dressed in a simple black bikini and her body was dripping with water.

"Atlas," She sighed, breathlessly.

Her eyes roamed over me for a moment before she met my eyes again. Concerned deepened her eyebrows once more, "What's wrong?"

Emotion swelled in my throat and I had to avert my gaze from her. "I–" I said, but stopped again, unable to get what I wanted past my lips. Around her, I was just a collection of incomplete sentences.

She stepped towards me and held my face with her slightly cooled hand. Instinctively, I leaned into her touch, letting my eyes rest for a moment.

Sleep immediately started to overcome me.

"Atlas?" She asked and I opened my eyes to meet hers.

She let her hand fall from my face and held my hand in hers. She slowly pulled me into the bathroom with her, closing the door softly behind me.

The bathroom was bigger than it seemed, a huge mirror hung on the wall to the left, and a grand sink basin sat underneath it. The toilet sat against the wall to our right and in the center of the bathroom, a wide tub.

"I just started the water." She smiled timidly at me. "We can sit there for a while if you want?"

I looked down at her and tucked a loose strand of hair from her face behind her ear. My thumb brushed over the line of her jaw and she simply watched me.

"Okay," I whispered into our space.

She gently let go of my hand and I let it fall back to my side. I watched her walk toward the edge of the tub and step inside. I followed her and watched as she took a seat at one end of the tub. The water rose to her collarbones as she sank in.

Suddenly aware that I had to step in, too, I shook myself from my reverie. I pulled my sweatpants down and stepped out of them. Leaving my boxers on for her sake, I stepped into the tub.

Catching her eye for a moment, I watched her eyes follow mine. Her cheeks were pink as she looked away momentarily.

I settled into the warm water and let out a sigh. The tub was big enough that I could stretch my legs out comfortably and wide enough so that we wouldn't feel cramped.

Behind me, Eden reached out and pulled me back into her. I stopped for a moment, twisting to meet her eyes, "I'll crush you if I lay down on you."

She laughed, pulling me by my shoulders to her, "No, you won't."

Finally, I let her pull me into her hold and laid my head in the crook of her shoulder. She was so small behind me, but it didn't feel uncomfortable or weird. Instead, I felt like this was how it was supposed to be. Her holding me in her arms.

She gently brushed her fingers through my hair and tucked her chin on my shoulder. Her lips would softly brush against my jaw when she'd shift.

God, I fucking loved everything she did.

Gently, she planted a feather-light kiss against my cheek. "Atlas?" She murmured into my skin.

"Hmm," I hummed, leaning further into her touch.

"How are you feeling?" She asked, her voice slow like honey and soft like clouds.

I sighed, rubbing my hand over her knee in the water. "I feel..." I stopped, turning my head slightly to meet her eyes, "Right now, I feel like I'll be okay. Like I am okay."

She nodded, planting a quick kiss on my lips, "Good,"

Absent-mindedly, she rubbed her thumb over the necklace she had given me that still hung around my neck.

Her touch was hot like the sun, but I welcomed it. It's the warmth that radiated from her body all the time that I craved. The way when my body felt like it was overheating, her body seemed to cool it. In a physics way, it didn't make sense. We should be burning up and crashing and igniting, but instead, it felt like a warm summer breeze.

And nights like this, with her, in this warm summer, were the nights that I'd remember for the rest of my life.

It was quiet in the bathroom, except for our breathing and the movement of water. Her hands held me to her and drew small calming shapes across my skin.

Each shape seemed to become engraved in my mind, exploding in and out of my vision like she was the only one I could see.

She was the only one I saw.

She gently brushed her fingers through my hair and I felt myself drift off to sleep.

When I woke again, Eden was still brushing her fingers through my hair and over my temple. The water had cooled down considerably, but she hadn't woken me up. How long had we been sitting here?

I sat up and looked back at her, frowning slightly, "Why didn't you wake me?" I asked. I touched her neck and shoulders, feeling her skin that was littered with goosebumps. "You're cold, Eden."

She offered me a smile, whispering softly, "You looked really... sleepy. I didn't want to wake you."

I moved to get up and stood to my full height. I offered her my hand and helped her up after me. "Come on,"

She took my hand and helped herself up, clinging to my hand in fear of slipping. I stepped out of the tub and turned, lifting her by her hips out of the tub. She giggled in my ear as she was in the air and I smiled up at her.

Once she was back on her feet, I led her toward the stand-up shower tucked into the corner of the bathroom. I helped her step in and followed her afterward. She looked up at me expectantly as I turned the overhead shower on.

As the water slowly heated up, I dragged her under the water. I watched as she visibly sagged from the warm water. I chuckled at her dazed expression, pulling her into me. She wrapped her arms around my waist and rested her head against my chest.

"I love you, Ede," I whispered against her temple.

I couldn't see her face, but I felt her lips pull into a smile against my chest. She held me closer, "I love you, Atlas."

She giggled into my embrace and looked up at me, resting her chin on my chest. "Let me wash your hair, please?"

"Wash my hair?" I laugh, brushing her wet hair from her face. "Why?"

"I don't know," she blushed. "I just... want to do something for you."

I nodded, pressing my lips to hers for a moment, "I'm all yours, then."

Her smile widened and she untangled herself from me. I watched her move to the shelf in the shower and pump some of her shampoo onto her hand.

I want to smell like her, feel her hands on my hair, and have her take care of me– more so than she already does. That's why I said yes.

She reached up and began to lather the shampoo into my hair. I crouched a little so she wouldn't have to reach up so much. Dropping my forearms onto her hips, I watched her work.

She used the pads of her fingers and scrubbed my hair with shampoo, smiling softly at me. My eyes fluttered closed and I let out a sigh at the feeling. She planted a quick kiss on my cheek as she giggled softly.

I smiled as she moved to the back of my head and massaged the soap onto my scalp. A small groan escaped my lips at the feeling. Small circular motions until I was sure I'd fall asleep.

When she stopped, I fluttered my eyes open to meet her gaze. She was looking at me like I was her world.

I just hoped she wouldn't change her mind.

She gently pushed me back into the warm water and rinsed the shampoo from my hair. With her on the tips of her toes, her head could still barely reach my neck.

When my hair was fully rinsed, she stepped back and fell onto the flats of her feet, smiling up at me. I pulled her back towards me and turned her around, pressing her into the cool wall of the shower. She didn't wince at the cold but stared up at me in wonder.

I tucked my hands into the curves of her neck and tilted her head up towards me. She pulled her bottom lip between her teeth and moved her hands toward my waist.

She was so, so beautiful, I had to wonder if she was a figment of my imagination.

I leaned down and brushed my nose against hers, releasing a soft breath from her. She parted her lips for me and tried so hard to keep her eyes open. Holding back a smirk, I ghosted my lips over hers.

A simple whine from her lips and my self-control seemed to crumble between my fingers.

I captured her lips with mine and groaned into her. She tasted like the strawberry candies she had eaten earlier.

Her hands tightened around me, pulling me into her and pressing me against her body. Every ridge and curve of her body had me gasping for breath.

I never wanted moments with her to end.

Our lips moved against each other, with her pulling me impossibly closer and me trying to hold back from devouring her completely. I wanted her in every aspect of the word.

She parted her lips further for me and her tongue tasted like euphoria, like an insurmountable high. "Fuck," I groaned into her mouth, dropping my hands to her waist as she tangled her fingers into my hair.

I groaned as she tugged at my hair, pulling me further and further away from reality, and pulling me deeper and deeper into her.

I softly bit her lip and tugged, eliciting an open-mouthed groan from her. Reveling in her pleasure, I trailed my lips from hers and over the edge of her jaw and the curve of her neck.

Now, she was trembling in my hands, wanting more and more until I'd grant her what she was asking for.

"Atlas," she moaned softly, her breath warm against the shell of my ear.

My stomach flipped at her breathlessness, at the way my name sounded on her lips like this. My brain turned to liquid and was crashing in waves against my skull. Fuck, my name never sounded so beautiful.

I moved to her lips and captured them once more. My grip on her waist was maybe too tight, but she seemed to enjoy it, groaning softly with every move of my hands. Her lips were soft like the first snow of January.

Every time her lips move against mine, I feel like I'm running out of time, running out of breath. Every time, I'm frantic to keep her close like this, to keep her lips on mine and her hands on me.

So when I pull away, I want nothing more than to kiss her until the Earth's green is old and dead and the seas are gone. I want nothing more than to hold her in my arms and hear my name from her lips until we're nothing but sand in the wind.

-

hi hello hola anyeong! atlas chapter!! i love writing them!!

so... they go home next chapter. Yay and boo! :( I honestly don't know how to feel. Super excited, but that means the book ends soon </3

Honestly, love you guys so much! We're at like 229K?? DAMN. 

I'm honestly so shit at writing hot scenes like that, but we're pulling through. I'm trying my best is what I mean hahah.

Tell me what you guys think of this chapter, the book so far, and where you think it's heading. I love to hear what you guys are thinking. 

Any questions about the book?

Also life update I guess:

I turn 18 (!!!) in like three weeks and I'm hosting myself a bday party and taking pictures since this girl has almost no irl friends :p how incredibly not sad hahah. also, new guy I like. let's see if he sticks.

love you forever babes. stay safe. stay sexy asf <4

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