[42]

- EDEN -

-

I LOVED HIM.

The words had spilled out of me in the midst of all the pain and confusion rumbling in the cavity of my chest.

I don't remember exactly why I decided to say it at that exact moment, but I did. For a straight two hours, I had watched Renee brush her hands over Ethan's and his entire posture would deflate. Whenever she would laugh or would simply smile at something someone would say, his face would brighten.

The whole dinner, when my head should've been on the verge of exploding and my skin should've been fevering, it wasn't. With Atlas's hand in mine and the soft assurances whispered into my ear, I felt like I could be okay.

And sitting here, in a fit of tears on his lap, I felt like I was okay. No, I knew I was okay.

I was okay because my Atlas had his hands in my hair and his lips to my ear. I was okay because his warm skin was pressed against mine and his warm breath was lighting up my skin. I was okay because Atlas's heartbeat in my ear was the only assurance I needed.

Atlas hadn't said a word after my confession. His arm around my waist loosened a fraction and his fingers tangled in my hair turned limp.

The tears slipping down my cheeks had dried, but I felt the swelling of another sob deep in my throat. My arms around Atlas's neck fell for a moment and I pulled back, meeting his blue-grey eyes once more.

In front of me, Atlas had seemed to shed the mask he wore every day for me and for everyone else. Ever since I had slept in his arms the first time, I had watched the mask slip from his face. When his eyes shut and his breathing evened; when his thinking slowed to a soft whisper and he let himself really relax; I saw him.

I saw the Atlas he kept hidden in the deep depths of his body. I saw the Atlas that shrugged off his medicine just to feel his emotions without a drug to help him do that. I saw the Atlas that let himself stay awake for hours at a time, thinking about his past and his future. I saw the Atlas that saw every sharp object as a way to be free from his mind.

Atlas blinked at me and I waited for him to say something. If he didn't, I realized, I wouldn't be sad. The love I had for him didn't need to be reciprocated. All I needed was for him to know.

I ran my fingers through the loose curls of his hair and slowly down his temple and over his cheekbone. "I didn't know what this feeling growing inside of me was, but I realize, it's always been there."

Atlas's eyes flickered, confusion and doubt flashing through them. I held his face with my hands, feeling the feverish warmth that usually radiated from his body spread through mine.

"I love you," I breathed again.

- ATLAS -

On the grimey floor of a random street in Italy, she had told me that she loved me. She had looked me in my eyes, ran her fingers through my hair and down my cheek, and told me that she loved me. Tear stains still streaked down her cheeks and her warm body was on mine when she had told me she loved me.

She loved me.

But why?

My head hurt as my mind scrambled to come up with a reason as to why she would love me. I had done nothing, but be there for her when she cried or when she needed someone to talk to. Is that why she thought she loved me? I had taken her out to places she wanted to see and kissed her when she smiled. Was that why she thought she loved me?

Eden didn't know me. She didn't know the Atlas that I kept to myself. She didn't know what I was like when I cut my sides in the bathroom and walked out like everything was okay. She didn't know what I was like a week off my medication. She didn't know what I was like when I hand someone my heart and they turn and tear it to pieces.

Her hands on my face were cold but warm. Her hands against my cheeks fit perfectly. She left me gasping for more of her when she was gone for less than a minute. She made my skin burn with every innocent glide of her fingers. She made my brain hum to a soft whir when she placed her head next to mine and fell asleep.

She was mine. Mine to hold and mine to keep. She was mine to think about when she was no longer there with me. She was mine to smile about when I had nothing keeping me tethered to this world.

She was mine, but I couldn't possibly be hers.

My face burned with hot, searing emotion and my eyes seemed to well with unshed tears. The fresh cuts that lined the back of my thighs and the sides of my torso were enough of an argument. My time here was never meant to be permanent no matter what bullshit Dr. Foyer always managed to come up with. I could never be hers the way she wanted me to be.

I grew angry and sad at my incompetence, fresh tears blurring my vision.

At the emotion flashing on and off my face, Eden's eyes widened by a fraction. She pulled me to her, holding my head to the crook of her shoulder as she breathed softly into my hair.

I loved her, too, but I could never commit to that. Loving someone meant being there for them no matter what happened and I could never do that. My brain was too untrustworthy.

Loving someone meant holding them for the rest of their lives and I could never do that. My life well into my twenties wasn't promised.

I tightened my hold around her, burying my face into her shoulder. Tears soaked her dress, but she didn't seem to care, and neither did I.

Holding her to me, I realized that she was the first person I have ever cried to like this.

Fuck, she was my first in so many things.

She was the first person I have ever taken an interest in without only the sexual aspect to it. She was the first person I let sleep next to me. She was the first person I've ever let see me burning with a fever because of my medicine. She was the first person I've ever talked about a future with. She was the first person that made me feel like I wanted to get better.

And she was the first person I loved.

My head buried in her chest, her fingers tangled in my hair, and my arms clinging to her like she was the only being in the world, I planted a small kiss on the soft skin of her collarbone.

"You can't love me," I said finally, my heart tearing to shreds with each syllable mumbled.

Eden's fingers stilled in my hair and her breathing got a little labored. "Give me a reason as to why I shouldn't love you." Her voice was thick with emotion, wavering with each word.

I pulled back from her, but she didn't let her hands fall from my head. With her forearms rested on my shoulders and face a few inches from mine, her eyes pleaded for an answer.

I shook my head, "I have nothing to offer you– nothing to contribute. All I would be to you, my love, is a burden. A fucking parasite."

Her face slackened at that, her eyes blinking back tears. "Nothing to offer?" She said, her voice distant, confused.

All I would be to her was someone she'd have to take care of all the time. Someone who needed encouraging words just to get out of bed, just to look at themself in the mirror. She would spend every waking moment with me wondering if I was happy with her or if I wasn't.

That's not what I wanted for her. That's not what she deserved.

My Eden deserved a guy whose smile lit up a room just by seeing her face. She deserved a boy who would hold her whenever she got sad. She deserves someone she could trust with anything and everything.

And I... I couldn't even be trusted with a knife.

"I don't want anything from you, Atlas." She shuddered, her nose briefly brushing against mine. "I just want to spend every waking moment with you. I want to hold you whenever I want to and kiss your lips when you smile. I want to run my fingers through your hair because I love touching you and want to tell you that I love you every morning, evening, and night."

My heart squeezed in my chest, but my blood was roaring.

"I want to love you for as long as you'll let me."

When she kissed me, her lips tasted like rain and she smelled like she always did. Like saltwater and vanilla. Like my Eden.

She pulled me towards her, wrapping her arms around my neck and breathing life into me like she always did when she pressed her lips to mine. Her body was soft in my hands like she was giving me the Eden that didn't have her walls up. Mine to hold. Mine to keep.

I pulled myself away from her. The distance between us was immeasurable, small and minuscule, but it felt wide. I wanted her kiss against my lips once more.

"I love you, too," I breathed out, my hand around her waist, brushing the soft skin. "My Eden," I smiled, tracing my fingers down the curve of her ear and her jaw. "My darling."

She shivered under my touch, leaning into it as her eyes fluttered close. A small smile settled onto her lips, her cheeks pink and her hair blowing softly in the warm wind. "Say it again," She whispered, "Please."

"I love you, I love you, I love you." I breathed against her skin, watching the goosebumps litter her skin.

Fuck, I loved her so much.

And now that I've said it, I fear I won't be able to stop.

She let out a whisper of a laugh against my cheek, painting my skin with her touch, with her laugh. I held her to me.

We settled into a comfortable silence, listening to the lull of music in the background and the sloshing of water against the bridge. She rested her head onto my shoulder, humming softly under her breath as I brushed her hair back from her face.

I loved her.

I love her.

I'll love her forever.

"Can you write me something?" Eden asked, her breath tickling the exposed skin on my neck.

"Like what?" I asked as she fiddled with the necklace she gave me at the pool. A smile fluttered onto her face As she thought back to the time we shared at the pool.

She shrugged softly, "Anything. I'm convinced that whatever you write will be a favorite of mine." She met my eyes, her lips stretched into a smile, soft and sweet.

"Okay, sure." I agreed. I watched her pull out her phone and unlock it before handing it to me with the Notes app open. I smiled at her before focusing on the words I was to write.

My Eden, my darling, my love,

I swear to you, I'm nothing without you. My heart is yours and it beats for no one but you. I'll love you till all the stars in the universe burn out and I'll love you until my very last breath.

Your Atlas

As I handed her back the phone so that she could read it, I watched her eyes run over the words. The smile those words brought to her lips sent a rush of dopamine through my body. Her eyes met mine and she let out a small laugh, "Promise you'll never stop making these,"

I let out a small laugh, pressing my lips to her cheek, "Okay, promise."

We stared at each other for a long time and I loved her face and her lips and her hair and her eyes and her nose and her jaw and the little scar by her ear. I loved her slightly chapped lips and her teary eyes and her crooked smile and her wet lashes. Watching her tear-stained face and the small smile on her lips, I ran my fingers down her jaw, the touch soft and only hers. "Are you okay?"

She blinked, her thoughts spinning with all that has transpired in the last 3 hours. She sucked in a breath, "He's changed so much, but not at all at the same time."

I nodded along to her words, caressing her cheek with my fingers and hoping that they weren't as cold as they usually were. I listened and let her talk.

"I wish it was just the two of us on that table." She sighed, closing her eyes for a moment. "I wanted to say so many things to him. I wanted to tell him about Ms. Noris who moved out of the house next door to us, the girl he used to watch take laps at the pool went to Carnegie Melon two years ago, the McHaughlins were finally able to have the baby girl they always wanted.

"I just wanted to sit and tell him about everything he missed when he left. " Her breathing grew heavy and I ran my fingers up and down her shaking body. I pulled her closer, holding her to me.

"Sometimes," She whispered, "When I miss him and wish that he was there to tell me that Mom and Dad would be okay or that one day, when he could drive, we'd get into a car and drive to California and sit on the beach... I'll find myself back on that bathroom floor, my clothes and hair drenched in his blood just to remember him."

A shiver ran down my spine as she clung to me. "Eden?"

"Hmm?" She breathed into my chest, her lips and nose pressed to my body. I brushed her hair back, planting a kiss on her hairline.

I loved how I could touch her, kiss her, and hold her and she'd lean right back into me.

"Ethan came today to see you. He missed you too and he's here now so it's not too late. All you have to do is ask and I'm sure he'll drop everything to see you again while we're still here."

She tilted her head up at me, a small smile on her lips. I watched her eyes flicker about my face, her hands fisting my shirt, pulling me closer. "Mhm," She simply said, her eyes trained on mine. The rush she was sending up and down my spine was leaving me breathless.

Her hand drifted towards the left side of my chest, stretched flat over my beating heart. She closed her eyes for a moment, taking in every beat in the cavity of my chest.

We stayed like that for a while; her eyes closed, taking in the every beat of my heart and my eyes open, taking in the beauty and radiance that emanated from her. God, I wanted her to be mine.

The moon that peeked over the edge of the building, casting a pale bright light onto her ethereal features left me gasping for air. My heart was beating faster and faster and I hoped she could tell. Look at what you do to me, my love, I wanted to tell her.

"Atlas?" She asked, peeking her eyes open and blinking at me for a moment. "Hmm?" I think I said and her cheeks flushed at that. She looked away for a moment, biting her lip before meeting my eyes once more.

"I want you to know that you can be yourself around me." She said, brushing her thumb back and forth over my chest. "I know what depression looks like and you don't have to shield me from that part of you. I love all of you, every flaw and every perfection. All of your ugly and your beauty."

"I'm here for you, Atlas," She smiled, "Always."

Every person has one thing in the world that makes their entire world freeze on its axis. The one thing that makes them feel like they're standing in the eye of a storm, quiet, peaceful, and cosmic. When they speak or smile at the most unimportant things, your entire being feels like they've reached the height of every good thing in the world. You find yourself thinking that there couldn't be anything better than the person in front of you.

And I knew without a doubt, Eden was my world.

I slipped my hand into the crook of her neck, cupping her cheek in my hand. I softly brushed my thumb over her cheekbone and felt a soft warmness spread in my body. She was wreaking havoc inside of me and I didn't mind. Not even a tiny bit.

She wanted to see me. All of me. She wanted to see me ugly with all my pretty. She wanted to see me so that she could hold me, comfort me, help me feel a little less alone in my head.

And, again, for the first time ever, I wanted someone to see me.

I pulled her a little closer to me, resting my forehead against hers, my burning skin pressing against her cool one. I closed my eyes and breathed her in, "You're everything I've been wishing for."

Her cheeks flushed once more as her eyes widened a fraction. An uncontrolled smile pulled at the corners of her lips as she drew in a short breath. She pulled me closer, her hands on my cheek and her nose softly brushing against mine. "I'm all yours, Atlas. For the rest of our lives."

Even though right now, that physically couldn't be true, it was exactly what I wanted to hear.

Her lips against mine were soft and warm and expressed every emotion we couldn't get out to the other through words. Her hair had fallen from its loose knots and was now tangled around the ends of my fingers. Her breath mingling with mine was fast and warm. Her tongue tasted like the strawberries she had eaten at the restaurant which felt like it had happened a millennia ago.

Her skin was warm and for the first time ever, I welcomed a person into the very core of my being, my existence. She was my reason to breathe, she was my reason to smile. She was mine to hold and to keep.

When she pulled back a fraction, a small laugh slipped from her lips. Her thumb moved back and forth over my cheek. Her hands were in my hair and gripping my shoulder. Her fingers were tangled in my hair and lighting my skin on fire. Her lips traced the outline of mine and her nose brushed against my cheek.

I love you, I love you, I love you, my dear, the light of my life. I love you, I love you, I love you, my love, my reason to breathe. I love you, I love you, I love you, my darling, my Eden.

"I'll call Ethan and ask to meet him for breakfast tomorrow," She whispered, the smile on her face genuine and glowing in the dark of the street. "But only if you'll come with me."

She needed to talk to Ethan on her own. They needed to address about a couple of hundred things on their own. With me there, they'd be tiptoeing around the elephant in the room. I'd only wreck whatever they want to get out to each other. I shook my head against her forehead, "I can't come with you. I think if it's just you two, you'll be able to be a little more honest with each other."

Her eyes met mine as she rolled the idea around in her head. She looked so beautiful, my body ached. It ached for her and for the future I wanted with her.

"Mm," She hummed, "You'll take me out after though? Before we leave?"

I let out a small laugh, nodding my head and pressing my lips to her forehead, "Yeah, I will."

She smiled.

As I helped her up and dropped my jacket over her shoulder, I realized that there was nothing else I'd rather do than be with her. It didn't have to be anything grand, but just having her hand in mine and her head on my shoulder like we were now was everything I could ever ask for.

I pressed my lips to her hairline and she held me closer, a small hum escaping her lips, and a soft smile radiating her face under the warm lamplights lining the streets.

I loved her.

-

hey guys!! so I'm back with another chapter! finally lmao. how are you guys? cuz it's been crazy over here. 

so, we've been getting a lot of atlas chapters, but that's for a reason. it'll stop for a while and it'll start again once they're back home. they only have 1 more stop!! also, ethan will be in the next chapter so be prepared to shed some happy tears and fall in love with him even more <3

anyways, thank you all so much for the love and support! it's actually so crazy seeing you guys add this book to all your sweetly titled reading lists or commenting about how you feel about this book. it's actually bonkers how much i love you guys <3 you're my world.

(oh and check out that playlist. it's actually so fcking good! i'm in love with the weekend.)

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