Chapter 8

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Kayla

I was a bit nervous about this. I've never really opened up about myself to anyone before. It made me scared and paranoid a bit. But I promised I was going to give it a try. So I couldn't just back down. That and if I did April would probably try to fight me. "Hi," I walked up to the desk nervously. "I'm here to see Dr. Jacobson. My name's Jakayla Brown."

"Ah yes, she's in her office. Third door on the left. You can go ahead back there."

I nodded and followed her directions. I came to the door and knocked. "Come in." I opened it and the room was like any professor's office. I was kind of expecting one of those long leather couches. "You must be Kayla." I looked up at the woman April referred me to. She was a bit tall and lanky woman with big thick hair and giant reading glasses.

"Uh yes," I walked in. "Nice to meet you."

"The pleasure is all mines," she shook my hand. I took a seat and glanced around nervously. "April has told me a lot about you," she smiled. "She's a true friend that cares about you."

"Yeah. Did she...tell you anything?"

"Some things but I want to hear from you. What has been going on with you?"

"Well, it's kind of a lot."

"Well we have plenty of time."

I took in a deep breath. "Okay. Well, recently I met this nice guy. His name is Andre. He comforted me after...an ordeal. Then a few days later we met again at a diner and he asked for my number. We went on like a double date, sort of, and my childhood friend was there. With someone else that wasn't a really nice person. It freaked me out to learn they were all related and I had no idea how to handle the situation. Whenever things get messy and difficult I tend to run away. When my childhood friend contacted me he told me a lot of disturbing things about the new guy."

"Which were?"

"How he's dangerous and moody and all this other stuff. I was already paranoid about the entire situation because I felt so...I don't know. Attached? I think that's the word. I got attached to Andre. He scared me but interested me all the same. I felt something so different with him. It was frightening how fast everything happened because that kind of thing never happened to me before. So when Josh told me that he was dangerous I was just kicked into paranoia overdrive. I made a big mistake in cutting the guy off but at the time I thought it was right."

"Tell me about this childhood friend of yours."

"Josh and I met in middle school. I was really shy and he was pretty popular. When some kids were picking on me he stepped in to help. He would come around being nice to me and protecting me. I've never gotten that type of attention before so I was really happy. I finally felt like I was worth something. As we got older we got closer. We even planned to go to the same college together so he can protect me forever." I smiled at us from back then. Then frowned once things started changing. "Senior year was hard. He was going through a hard time with his family. He couldn't go to the college we chose so I decided to go with him. I thought he'd be happy but he wasn't. He tried changing my mind but I didn't want to be separated from him. I know this place prided itself on the elite and only the elite attending. But I was willing to come here because I didn't want to be separated from my only friend. I didn't know why he felt so strongly about it at the time. I thought he didn't want me to feel obligated in changing schools because of him."

"You don't think that way anymore?"

I shook my head. "I kind of think the reason has to do with Chris."

"He's...?"

"The cousin and not so nice person. I mean, at first he wasn't all bad. But I guess I didn't want to see him as bad? Well a lot of drama and stuff happened our first year of college and we were pretty divided in our friendship."

"And what exactly happened your freshman year?"

I chewed my lip nervously. "I-I don't want to talk about it."

"Okay that's fine. I see you're opening up well. But why are you here?"

"Well April made the appointment-"

"She may have made the appointment but you could've just not came," she pointed out. "I find this is a difficult question for most to answer because they don't know the context of what I'm asking. You're not here because your friend made you. YOU made the conscious decision step into my room and sit your butt in that chair. There's something in YOU that wants to be here. And I'm asking you what it is that you're here for. Are you looking for something? What?"

"I just-" I paused. There is something I want. Something I want to get out of this experience. But I'm afraid to get it.

"Go on," she urged lightly.

"I want the truth."

She smiled. "That is something you'll have to figure out on your own. But what I see in you so far is true. You truly do love your friend Josh. And you want to be there for him for any and everything." That's true. "But I also see something else. I see a woman who's screaming and itching to get out. A woman who's trying to be heard."

"You do?"

"Yes. Right now, you're Kayla, the girl who's looking for something real. The woman in you is looking for that too. But the key difference in that girl and that woman is the girl is desperately clinging to a weak, tattered rope. Trying to force that rope to be her only support. You're afraid of letting go of something you had because it was always there. A lot of people have trouble letting go. Because they're afraid of falling. I call this you right now a girl because something in you stopped growing and maturing after a certain age."

"Did I really?" I mumbled. Have I really been acting like a child? I honestly have no idea.

"Yes. What happened to you that made you stop growing?"

I gnawed my lip. If you haven't noticed, I do that a lot out of habit when I'm nervous. "Growing up...I didn't know my father. My mother gave me vague details about him and that was all. On my tenth birthday, I was really curious and fed up of not knowing anything and the only present I wanted was to know my dad. So my mom promised to take me. I still remember the pain in her eyes from when I asked. I realize now I was ungrateful to her. My mother worked two jobs and put herself through school so I could have a better life. She was the one there for me through bad days, worse days, sick days and more. And here I was, a ten year old know-it-all demanding to see someone who didn't want to see me."

"But of course at the time I didn't see it that way. I was just a kid. I was so happy and excited to go see him for the first time. He lived a few hours away from us in the rich neighborhoods. He was a very successful man from what I could tell. I guess, it never occurred to me that while he was living it up in his six bedroom home we were struggling to stay in a two room apartment for so many years."

"We got out of my mother's old beat up car. I was embarrassed to see so many nice sleek vehicles in his driveway. But it never dimmed my excitement to finally unite with my father. My mom is the one who knocked. The maid was a young woman and I noticed she was a bit sour to my mom. She wouldn't let us in for a while until a woman came to the door. She seemed so nice and let us in."

~~~Flashback~~~

"Hello," the woman smiled. "How can I help you?" She was so beautiful. You could tell she was mixed. She had curly brown hair with blonde highlights, bronze skin tone, and kind blue eyes.

"We're here to see Greg," Jasmine, my mother, said. She was shorter than the woman and full figured as well. Not to mention, not mixed and a darker skin tone.

"He's not in at the moment. He should be back within the hour. Would you like to come in and wait?"

"Thank you." She invited us inside. Everything looked so neat and clean. We sat in the living room as she brought us something to drink. "So you know?" My mother said. The woman looked at her. "No woman would just allow another strange woman and child into their home if she's asking for their husband."

The woman nodded. "I found out a while ago. I was hurt, angry, and confused about the whole thing. I resented you for many years. Stepping into my marriage. I had to see a few specialists before realizing it wasn't your fault." She looked at me and smiled. "It's not your fault we fell for such a man. I was waiting for the day you'd come by." She then looked at my mother with a sad but serious expression. "You do know what this means right?"

My mother nodded. "This is what should've and needed to be done a long time ago." The woman and my mother talked some more. I just wanted my dad to hurry up and get there. I was getting impatient and needy.

The front door opened and I heard laughter. "Hon', we're back," a deep voice resonated from the hall. "Hon' who's car is that? That eyesore vehicle is really-" the man stopped talking once he came into the threshold of the living space. The man was tall, over six feet, skinny, dark skin with a clean shaven head. He had a neat little beard and dark eyes. I knew immediately this was my father. I was excited. "What are you doing here?" He glared at my mother.

My mom stood up, as confident as ever. "Greg, shouldn't you acknowledge your child? And wish her a happy birthday." The man snapped his gaze to me. I shrunk in my seat in nervousness.

"H-Hi," I stuttered. A nervous habit I picked up in elementary school. "I-I'm J-Jak-"

"Didn't you get the money I sent? If not you know how to get in contact with me."

"This is not about money. It's time you stop running away and be there for your daughter."

"That-"

"Dad!" A girl with pigtails came into the room. "I need a new dress for Lauren's party."

"Me too dad," another girl came into the room. Her hair was frizzy. They both stopped and stared at my mother and I. "Who's that dad?"

"No one," he spoke coldly while staring at my mother. I felt a pang in my heart. He didn't really mean that, did he?

"Greg," the woman I know as his wife spoke. "That's enough. You can't deny this anymore."

He turned his icy cold stare into the woman. "I expected better from you. How could you let this trash into our home?!"

"She deserves a father too!"

"That fat black bitch is not my fucking daughter!" He yelled. That broke my heart into a million pieces. "She was a mistake. A stain that should've been removed a long time ago." My mother covered my ears but it was far too late and in vain. I could still hear them.

"Just because you do not want to face the reality of your mistakes does not mean you take it out in this poor girl. I'm the only one who should be pissed. You breached our trust in this marriage and yet I'm the one who's willing to forgive and move on. Helena and Stephanie have a sister-"

"She's not our sister," the pigtail girl said snootily. "She's far too ugly."

"Helena!"

"Yeah," the other one agreed. I guess she was Stephanie. "We're princesses and Daddy said they have to be as pretty princesses like us to be acceptable."

"How could you put that garbage in my girls' heads?" The woman fussed.

"Momma," I mumbled with tears going down my face. "I wanna go now."

She gave me sad tear filled eyes. "I'm so sorry baby girl." We headed for the door with my head down. The man grabbed my mother's arm and glared at her.

"I hope you know the consequences of your actions," he growled. "You breached the contract. You're on your own now."

My mother narrowed her eyes at him. What she did next surprised everyone in the room. She kneed him in his private area. "You're a sorry excuse of a man. I got over what happened between us a long time ago. I don't care if we never spoke again but you could at least man up and take responsibility for your child! I didn't make her on my own and yet I'm paying for it?! My daughter is paying for it?! She didn't do anything! It was you! You stepped out and into my bed! I didn't ask you to leave your wife. I asked you to be present. That's it! And you refused because of your fuckin image!" She nodded to his wife. "Thank you. And I'm sorry for causing a disruption and thinking the worst of you these past years. I really thought you were partly the cause of him not stepping up but I was wrong."

~~~Flashback over~~~

"I've always had some self-esteem issues," I admitted. "But that day just made it worst for me. Not even my mother could help. I was crippled with guilt and depression. Anger and anxiety." I sniffed and wiped the tears away.

"And this contract," she spoke. "What was it?"

"I didn't find this out until I turned 18. Although I asked a lot. My mom wouldn't tell me until I was older. My dad got my mom to sign a contract. He'll send her a small stipend check every month and bonuses for holidays and birthdays until I was 18. The conditions were she couldn't ask for extra money even if she desperately needed it, she couldn't ask for college funds, and there's to be no communication whatsoever between me and him. Since she breached it, my mother struggled badly. We lost our apartment and lived in our car. We eventually lost the car and began bouncing from homeless shelters to friends' houses." Tears kept falling as a sob escaped. "It was all my fault. If only I didn't ask to see him. If only-"

"That's enough," Dr. Jacobson said. She wiped my face and handed my tissues. "None of this is your fault. Everyone wants something they never had. Something they never got to experience. You are not at all to blame for wanting something you had every right to want." My heart was hurting but for the first time ever, the pain felt duller and just a bit more bearable. "Now I can see why you clung so desperately to that rope. You're scared of getting rejected and falling like you did when you were ten years old. That fear trapped you. Encased you in your own prison that is killing you on the inside. You're in a cell where you're drowning in a sea of negativity. You cling to your friend desperately as if he's your last bit of air because for the first time you were treated as an equal. You were treated with respect for the first time by someone of the opposite sex. That's why you fear the closeness of men as well as crave it."

I nodded. All of that was true. I didn't have friends in my youth. Everyone made fun of me. And after I was rejected by my own flesh and blood the teasing got worse. It was like they knew I wasn't worthy of anyone. Until Josh came. He was the only person who didn't see me as useless. He saw me worthy enough to be his friend. And I felt it was only right to prove to him every day that his choice was not in vain. I was worthy of love and attention and friendship. But I had to prove it. That was the only way.

"Kayla." I looked at Dr. Jacobson. "It's time for this little girl to grow up. You understand me?" I nodded as I wiped my nose. "Good. Our time is up but I think we should keep seeing each other. Is that okay with you?"

"Yes," I sniffed. "Thank you so much." I stood up and she gave me a hug.

"Be strong. You'll do fine." I nodded and left to make my next appointment.

April was right. I felt a lot better after talking to her. I've been getting advice about this for years and it never really stuck like the way it did with Dr. Jacobson. It really is different coming from a stranger. Since she didn't know me personally, it didn't feel forced or faked. It felt genuine. It didn't feel like she was just saying that to spare my feelings or to make me feel better. It all felt so real.

It felt good to get all of that off of my chest. Not even April knows the extent of the disconnect with my father. She only knows he wasn't there. I was always too ashamed to speak about it because for years I've been blaming myself for the things that happened. I was scared to find out if I told her she would see what my father saw and leave me too. I am scared of rejection. Maybe that's why I took the chance and rejected Andre first. What if we did become more than friends? My anxiety would kick in and I would look for any and every reason to leave. I would continue to blame myself and my depression would kick in. I would drag him down to my level of darkness. He didn't deserve that.

There was a ding sound that got my attention. I looked down at my phone and saw a message.

Andre๐Ÿ˜: I got a weird feeling and decided to check up on you, everything okay?

I was surprised to see him text me. And the timing of it was almost too good. Even in my sadden state, I smiled. Even though things ended the way they did he still had the decency to check up on me. And that means a lot to me.

Me: Yes everything is okay. Thanks for checking up on me

Andre๐Ÿ˜: No problem baby girl I'm here for you

I smiled. Maybe we can become friends again. Who knows? I would really hope that we could.

Josh

I sat back as Chris spit game to these two chicks. I guess to get both of them to go out with us. He's a true ladies man. My phone flashed letting me know I got a text. It was from Kayla.

JK: Can we meet up?

Me: I don't know I'm kind of busy

JK: This is very important, I need to talk ASAP

Me: I don't know I'll see if I can get away

JK: Look, I know you're not doing anything that important. Meet me at the diner in 10 minutes Josh.

I was a bit taken back by her words. Kayla normally doesn't push me when I tell her I'm busy so I guess this really is an important conversation. I couldn't help but wonder what it is she wanted to talk about. I went up to Chris. "Aye I have to go."

He waved me off. "Iight cool."

I nodded to the ladies before heading to my car. Kayla and I only ever meet up at the diner since Chris is never there. He doesn't know about our friendship. He just thinks we're lab partners and people who share a few classes together. I don't think it's important that he knows the extent of our relationship. When I pulled up and walked inside Kayla was already seated with a drink.

"You order yet?" I frowned a little when I didn't see my drink. She normally always have one for me.

"I'm not really hungry. Besides, I just want to talk."

"Okay. What is it?"

"Why'd you become friends with me?"

"What?"

"I didn't stutter," she said. "I'm just curious. Why me?"

"Well, I don't know. You seemed like a nice person."

"There are plenty of nice people in the world. Why me?"

"Does this really matter?" I asked a bit irritated. "I became your friend because I wanted to. Does there have to be any reason besides that?"

She was quiet for a bit. "I guess you're right. So you became my friend because you wanted to, that means you'll stop becoming my friend because that's what you want right?"

I sighed. "You got me over here for this bullshit? Really Kayla? Look, I was in the middle of something important that I have to get back to."

"Sorry," she said. But it wasn't her normal quiet voice. "I guess I tend to do that a lot huh? Call or text you when you're in the middle of important things. You must have a lot of important things to do. I never knew you could be so busy."

"Yes," I said getting the bit more agitated. Normally this is the part where she apologizes but she's not doing any of it. "I have two majors and practice takes up a lot of time. In order for me to do what is expected of me I have to spend a lot of time studying and other things."

She nodded and looked off

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