Edited

Kayla

It's been a week since the incident with the football game. It's almost time for break and I'm about to meet Dr. Jacobson before going home. Since I won't be in school my job is allowing me and April off for the little break. The break wasn't actually planned. The entire state had been under panic because of a hurricane not far off the coast. As a precaution, classes have been canceled. I think everyone is really excited for the random break. I'm not so excited.

Andre hasn't talked to me since that day. I've texted him various times and none I've gotten a response for. I can feel myself getting more and more depressed as the days go on. I'm regretting my decision to come clean heavily. Did Andre turn tail and leave me? Maybe he's disgusted by me. I slept with so many guys and on tape at that. One being his cousin that he hates so much. I was so dumb and foolish. I did something I know what wrong and disgusting and dirty, and for what exactly? I got nothing out of it but a lifetime of pain and sorrow.

"Kayla." I jumped at the sound of Dr. Jacobson's voice. "You walked in and didn't even speak. I know there's a lot on your mind right now. This is a place of security and safety. Talk."

I sighed. "I'm getting so depressed," I mumbled as I felt tears build up.

"Why? What's going on?"

"A lot has happened over the weekend." I told her everything that happened. I told her how excited I was for the game and how much fun I ended up having. It was the first time I allowed myself to be a bit freer after getting battered like that. I told her how I felt me and Andre were going back to the way things were. How safe he made me feel and how he never left my side. How bold I felt with him at times and how shy I felt at others. I told her about how I felt truly free after we kissed. How free I was when I was with him.

And then my world came crashing down back into that pit of darkness and misery. Chris reminded me of the hell that I was doomed to live and just in an instant, I was trapped. My freedom was snatched from me in the blink of an eye. I was in full blown tears explaining the story. The only part looking up from there was Andre holding me safely in his arms. But once I opened up about my past I was going back down the rollercoaster of depression.

"Oh my," Dr. Jacobson gasped. "The school board did nothing?"

I shook my head. "All it did was bring more drama into my life. The guys that did that to me were given a slap on the wrist. They threatened to take away my scholarships for making the videos. Basically saying it was my fault. And the only one that got punished was the one person on my side."

"What happened?"

"They terminated the professor and some of the guys even sued her for slander. I felt terrible about what I had done to her. I should've known better than to go up against Chris. He's on the Dean's list and a valuable football star. He was an MVP even as a freshman. No one would take the side of a fat nobody who's struggling just to stay in school."

"I'm so sorry," she said sounding genuine. "You were violated and pushed to the side. Now I'm beginning to understand. Everything is coming full circle now." I blew my nose in the tissue. I've been crying so much I'm surprised I even have any tears left. "I want you to look at me okay?" I nodded and did as I told. "From now on, I'm not going to talk to you like a therapist. Everything I'm going to say is going to be off the books talk got it?"

"Okay?" I said a bit confused.

"I've talked with many clients with many different situations. As a start, I like to gage you. I want to see what type of person you are so I can effectively help you. I want you to feel comfortable enough to open up to me. I give you advice and let you guide yourself. But if I feel as though you need something else, that's when things flip. I'm warning you, this won't be pleasant. Are you ready?"

I chewed my lip in nervousness. "Yes."

"You're not a victim of Chris or those other guys. You're a survivor. Do you hear me? You could've easily killed yourself over what he did. But you didn't. you could've shattered into a million pieces but you didn't. But you did something worse than of that. You became a victim of your own circumstances. You blame your entrapment on others when it's really YOUR fault. Only YOU have the power over YOURSELF. Do you understand? You unintentionally set up these dominoes in your life. It has not been someone else, it has always been YOU."

"M-Me?"

"Yes. You trapped yourself in this. And it all started with your father's rejection. When he rejected you, you rejected yourself. You thought people were rejecting you when you were really rejecting people. Afraid of being hurt first. You turned down everything and everyone until Josh came in and showed you he wasn't going to get rejected the same way. You grew a dangerous attachment to him and threw away your common sense just to keep him. Not caring about what you were sacrificing in the process. You say you're trapped. That's true. You are trapped but that's only because you made it to be that way. You trapped yourself on a tattered rope that's holding on by a thread. A rope the desperately needs to be severed."

"He's-"

"Not the guy you knew from when you were kids. You will never be free and happy if you keep holding onto the past. You're holding onto a memory. Nothing more."

"T-That's not true," I cried. "You don't know him. He's confused. He means well. He's made mistakes but that doesn't define who he is."

"You're starting to sound like the spouse in a toxic relationship. Trying to explain the good that only you see. I'm going to tell you like I tell my other clients. You're not seeing with your eyes, you're seeing with your emotions. You see what you want to believe is true. Even when in the back of your mind you know otherwise. You refuse to face the truth because you're afraid of starting new. You're living in a fantasy world if you think the Josh you knew and the Josh that's here and now will ever be the same person again. That Josh was a front. He's showing you his true colors and you refuse to see it. I don't know the guy personally but I know enough from you. And I know you don't even believe half of what you're saying."

"But I do."

"When most of my clients speak on their spouse in a toxic relationship I can tell when their completely enthralled in the facade or if they're not. The ones that are under the control of their emotions always only speak of the good and downplay the bad. They don't want to make their problem seem bigger than they want it because that means they have to accept that they are wrong. Those who aren't under the control see the bad, can identify it well, but are too afraid to find the right course of action. You fall into the category of the latter."

"He's not always bad," I insisted. I don't know why I feel the need to have to fight with everybody on this. It's true what she's saying. I know it is. But for some reason, I feel the need to keep pushing. To keep fighting for him. For us. Why though? Why am I pushing something that I know won't budge? Why am I holding onto something I know won't change no matter how much I want it to?

"But he's not always good either. You don't even believe the words that are coming out of your mouth." She's right. So why am I fighting? "Kayla, what's the true nature of you and Josh's relationship?"

"What?"

"There's something chaining you to him. Something stopping you from letting go."

I sniffed. "We're just friends. Nothing more. We said we'd always be friends."

"There it is," she nodded. "You made a promise to each other. That promise is your chain. That promise is what's going to bring you down." I looked at her king of crazy. "People say words are just words but that's not true. Words are powerful. They can be as weak as a caterpillar or as strong as a nuclear bomb. We give them that type of power. Words have so many different meanings and you can use them in an infinite amount of ways. Those words you two shared that day became the ball and chain needed to control you. You gave those words that much power. And whenever those words lost power and control over you, he instilled something in you to re-establish that power. I know how important it is to keep promises. But you have to ask yourself when enough is enough. Did he keep his promise?" I was silent. "Kayla, you're smarter than this. You're stronger than those chains. You know what I'm saying is true. You've been ignorant to it long enough. You need to stop enabling his bull shit." I was surprised at how she worded it. "This is me talking as a person and former victim of her own circumstances Kayla. You're acting just like the women who's choosing a bad man over her blessing just because she's scared of change. Because she's scared of starting over. You want happiness and freedom right? The only way to get it is to take the power back. Stop giving your all to someone who wouldn't even give you a crumb of themselves. Be selfish."

"I-I c-can't-"

"Can't or won't? Remember how good you felt when you finally let go? Don't you want that again? Don't you want freedom?"

"I want it so badly," I cried.

"Well then it's time you suck it up and do what you need to do. I know change is scary. I know it's unpredictable. But it is necessary. Without change you'd never grow. Change is a part of human nature. Everyone changes. Josh has changed and he's not going to turn back into the person you want him to be. He'll forever hold you back. Chris will get his dose of karma. You don't need to worry about the negativity. It's time you stop victimizing yourself and be the beautiful person I know you are. Your attachment is telling you to stay and fight for him but something else is telling you to let it go. Which is louder?"

It was so hard. I've had Josh for years and now I'm going to have to just turn him away? I've never been the one to give up on people. I didn't want to be my dad. He gave up on me without effort. Didn't try for me at all. I want to be different. But there is a part of me that's tired. Tired of the tears, bull shit, lies, and one sided sacrifices. A part that gets stronger and madder every day. Mad at Josh for doing me so wrong over these years when I've kept my end of the deal. Mad at myself for enabling all of his bull shit. Mad at my father being the first domino in my life. Mad at myself for being so damn dumb and blind.

"You can't force someone to be who you want them to be," she continued. "Promises are important but there's a line you must draw. A final straw. Sometimes giving up is what's best. If Josh were serious about your friendship, he would've never let it get to this point. You can't put a Band-Aid on an open wound. Sometimes surgery and stitches are the only way to go. They're painful but a necessary step for healing. You think just sucking it up and dealing with it will be better? That's not true. You're making it far worse."

"I just...don't want to be hurt," I mumbled against the tears. "I've dealt with so much pain I don't think I can bear anymore."

"Pain is a part of life. If you're not hurting then you're not living. It's a part of growing up. And if you don't experience it then you're not growing as a person. You've been so afraid of getting hurt you'd do anything not to experience it. When really you've just been dull to the pain. You've been hurting this entire time. I could tell you were crippled with pain from the moment I saw you. You're just so used to it you don't even think of it as pain anymore. You're afraid that new pain will break you even further. So you dealt with everything because you thought if you didn't Josh would've left. Just like your father." I breathed in sharply. Why does the truth hurt so much? "Felt like I just snatched your soul, read it and gave it back huh?"

"Yeah."

"That's why a lot of people come to me. I keep it real with you. No sugar coating. I push you even if you're on the verge of breaking because that's what some people need. Tough love. It's time you get rid of Josh and Chris. I know you don't want to be hurt again and you're afraid to start new but you'll never get your freedom this way. You hear me?"

I nodded. "I hear you." And for the first time ever. I was actually hearing it. Seeing what she meant and understanding it. "Thank you so much Dr. Jacobson." I hugged her tightly as a feeling of relief washed over me.

"And don't worry about that guy Andre. I have a feeling he'll be back."

I smiled. "Thanks. I have to go but thank you. I really needed that."

"You're a survivor. Not a victim. Remember that."

"I will," I promised. I walked out and felt ten times better. Probably better than any other visit. Dr. Jacobson is really good. No wonder April goes to her and recommended her. There was a ding that got my attention.

Andre😍: Sorry I haven't answered your texts, I didn't have my phone

Me: I'm just glad you're okay

Andre😍: Don't worry about me short stuff, I'm straight. But I do need a favor.

Me: Sure! Whatever you need

Andre😍: I need a ride. Shawn's at work and I don't have my car.

Me: Okay I can do that. Where are you?

Andre😍: ....Jail

I read the message a couple times before it finally sunk in. What the fuck is he doing in jail?!