Hello Lovely Readers,

Just a warning... Are you ready for the WORST decision ever? (and I really mean worst in capital letters!)

Go ahead.

Love always,
Me

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Alex's POV

It's been a few days since Bennett's parents announced he's going to Stanford and I couldn't be more pissed.

It's the final couple of weeks of school and although Bennett is not really popular, he definitely is among our teachers, because all I've been hearing all day is about Bennett's remarkable achievement of getting a full scholarship at such a good school as Stanford.

Not that it's that uncommon, but it's usually the athletes that get scholarships in this school, definitely not for science studies, so yeah, Mr. Perkins is ecstatic with Bennett.

I've decided to focus on school instead, because well, I realized that part of why going to Boston was cool was because I always took for granted that Bennett would be there as a friend - now maybe more, I don't know anymore - and that's not happening, so closing this chapter of my life is what I have to do.

It doesn't make sense, I know. There isn't much to do or study as school is coming to an end, that's the only excuse I can think for avoiding the ''Bennett topic'', so I'll take it.

I still haven't heard from Boston University or any other application. Letters should be arriving, so this is making me anxious. It feels that if I continue studying, they will accept me somehow.

Thinking what to do in case I don't get in BU, I make my way to the library and when I have the door in sight, I see Lilly practically running out of it, looking incredibly suspicious.

''I was looking for you!'' She says, looking excited with her cheeks red.

"Lilly, what the hell are you doing?" I ask, the moment she stops in front of me. She's hiding something under her jacket and her face gives away that something is off.

"What does it look like I'm doing? I'm stealing a book." I widen my eyes.

"Ok, why are you stealing a book?" I look at her like she's crazy or something.

"Alex, we're about to graduate and we still have a bunch of things in the bucket list so we should be focusing on it right now. Stealing a book from the library was in the list, remember? Also, you still need to get into a fight."

"Why me? It's your bucket list, you get into a fight." I cross my arm over my chest.

"Correction, it's our list.'' She hands me the book and I laugh at her choice.

''Advanced Biology? Really?''

''It's not like it will be missed. No one reads that shit. Well, except Bennett. Speaking of which... have you two talked or you're still giving him the cold shoulder after the dinner?"

I pull her arm to the side of the library to get us out of the way.

''I don't want to talk to him right now, I guess. I'm incredibly mad about Stanford, so... I don't know, maybe I should let this go and move on with my life, you know?'' She shakes her head disapprovingly.

''I understand, but you have until school is over or I'll tell him.'' She smiles like she's not threatening her best friend. ''I'll even trade the bungee jumping from the bucket list for this. It's a good trade off.''

''Bungee jumping would never happen anyway, Lil.'' I roll my eyes.

''Of course it would. I would drag you if I had to.'' She knows that's so not true. ''What do you say?''

She's right. I know I'll have to talk to him about what happened between us, about my feeling for him, hell, about what Dylan told me, but before I even get to this conversation, I need to get over the fact that he's moving across the country and didn't tell me.

I ended up promising her again that I will talk to him, but after the third period, I don't give a shit that she made me pinky swear. There's no way in hell this conversation is happening.

I heard him talking to Mrs. Martinez about college - she was beyond happy for him - and he mentioned that some of his friends are going to Stanford as well, so it would be cool to have them with him.

So yeah, I was jealous. Images of the frat talk during dinner are back on my mind and I can't help but imagine him surrounded by girls.

By our last period, I'm angry, again. I'm gathering my stuff, ready to get the hell out of here and go home, when I hear footsteps approaching me in the empty classroom.

I look to the door to find none other than Bennett himself coming my way. I look away, not wanting to talk to him. What does he even want? Tell me that he changed his mind and is now moving to another continent?

No, he wouldn't bother telling me that.

"Why are you mad at me?" He asks instead and I sigh, before I curse under my breath. I'm tired, I'm pissed, so it's definitely not the best moment for this conversation.

"I'm always mad at you, apparently." I shove my last notebook inside my backpack. I don't bother looking up to meet his eyes.

"Well, you shouldn't be. I didn't do anything wrong." He crosses his arms over his chest.

"Really? What about going to Stanford?" I look up as I question him without even thinking.

"What does me going to Stanford have anything to do with this?" He challenges me and I feel my nostrils flare. He doesn't get it. It's so obvious that it makes me wonder how someone so perceptive can't figure it out.

"When were you going to tell me you're moving across the country?" I finally meet his eyes, but he laughs, like really laughs.

I study him as he laughs and I can tell he's angry too.

What is wrong with him?

"Are you serious? You're mad at me because I didn't tell you which college I chose?" I stay silent. It feels stupid hearing him say it out-loud. "I didn't know I had to tell you. It's not like you're my girlfriend or anything."

"You could have told me when we were talking precisely about college at rehearsal. The same day of the dinner."

''Is that what you really wanted to talk about though? Or was it something else and you changed your mind?'' I stay silent, because well, yeah, he's right. I wanted to tell him how I feel, but I chickened out the last minute. I actually opened my mouth to say it, but it didn't come out. ''That's what I thought.''

''I just thought we were... friends.''  I say the last part a bit unsure and this triggers something in him that makes him even more pissed, so I cross my arms in defense.

"I guess we stopped being friends for a while now, don't you think?"

What does he mean? That we're more than friends, or not friends at all? I want to ask, but I'm not sure I should. Suddenly, I'm thinking about the conversation we all had at the cabin when he made it look like he didn't want to go to Boston because of me.

I thought about it. What if I'm the reason he doesn't want to go to the MIT? We've been hearing our families say that we'll be friends and run into each other, so maybe he doesn't want that.

"Right, I know we have our ups and downs, but going across the country is a bit too much." I say, these thoughts on my mind.

"You think I'm going to Stanford because of you? You're not serious." He laughs again, making me feel like an idiot. "Come on Alex, you really think I would decide my future based on whatever happened between us?"

I don't say anything. I did think that, he said things change and I thought he wanted to stay away from me, so can he really blame me for thinking this?

"The world doesn't revolve around you. I know it's hard to look at anything other than yourself or my brother, but I would never make such a big decision like this for you."

I suddenly feel like crying. I never wanted him to decide anything based on me or us - there's not even an us for christ's sake - but he doesn't need to be mean.

''You don't have to say that.'' I say, my voice failing as I'm trying to keep my emotions in. I don't want to have a meltdown right now, because for the first time, he's being totally rude.

"You're so selfish, you know that? It's always about you, isn't it? You don't care about how I feel, you just care that I didn't tell you. Let's get one thing straight, If I had to choose, I would always choose what's best for me, even if that meant not even seeing you for the rest of my life." What he says next is the end for me. "You're not that important.''

When I look up to meet his eyes, I'm already seeing blurred and my eyes are burning. I don't think I ever felt this hurt in my entire life.

I'm an insecure person, I know that and hearing him say this makes me feel like I'm really not worthy.

He doesn't like me. No one that has feelings for another person would say this. Hell, he doesn't even care about me like he always did anymore. This is not the Bennett I know.

Dylas was right about him. He is not a good person.

"I hope Stanford gives you everything you ever wished for." Is all I say, my voice clearly shaking.

I see his eyes soften when I say those words, but I don't care. Well, he doesn't care, so why should I?

I pass by him, not giving him a chance of saying anything else as I leave. He tried stopping me, but I released my arm from him and left the classroom without another look.

The moment I turn around the corner, I bump into someone and I try to mask my tears as I stumble back.

''Alex? Are you ok?'' Anna asks.

You know Anna, that friend of Bennett's that cornered me a while ago. Great, that's all I need now, another person who says bullshit about me and Bennett.

I look at her, remembering what she said at that time, which is similar to what Lilly told me and all I can feel is anger. Why is everyone lying to me?

''You're wrong.'' She frowns and looks at me, not understanding what I'm saying. Instead of leaving like I should, I keep rambling. ''Bennett doesn't like me. You were wrong, Lilly was wrong. He just made clear that I'm not important to him, so it doesn't matter that I like him, he's going across the country and...'' I pause to breathe. ''You were wrong.''

''You like him?'' She asks with widened eyes.

''Seriously? This is what you got from what I said?'' I say wiping some of the tears. What the hell is wrong with everyone?

''I don't know what happened, but I'm sure it's a misunderstanding. Alex, we're not wrong.'' She looks me deep in the eyes and certainty almost makes me doubt, but NO! He made perfectly clear how he feels.

You're not that important.

''I have to go.'' I think that if I stay here for another minute, I might have a complete breakdown.

''Wait.'' She calls for me, but I'm already making my way to the front door.

One thing Anna was right about. This is a misunderstanding, all of it. Maybe I misunderstood my feelings for Bennett as well. I've been so distracted from Dylan with all that's going on, that I got caught up in all of this, playing piano, kissing him, kissing him again and everything that came after.

He will go to Stanford and it won't be an issue anymore, I don't matter to him, so I need to guarantee I'm back on track with my feelings.

I thought I didn't feel the same for Dylan anymore, but it's not it. Bennett clouded my thoughts for a moment, like Dylan said, but it's clear now how he feels about me and honestly, I know what I need to do after that.

Dylan loves me. He said I'm the love of his life and I can't forget that. I'm sure that if we spend time together without thinking about Bennett, we'll be us again and I'll remind myself why I've always been so in love with him.

Feeling completely decided, I take the bus to the train station instead of going home. After waiting for the train longer than I wanted, I'm heading to Rutgers university.

I said to myself that I shouldn't make any rushed decisions, but this is not rushed. I see crystal clear now.

Dylan texted me a while ago and luckly, he said he is hanging out in Josh's dorm, a good friend of his, so that's where I'm headed. I've been to Josh's dorm once when we went to a party, so I know where it is... Kind of. All buildings look so much alike that it takes me a while to remember.

At least it gave me time for my face to go back to normal, instead of looking like I'll explode due to all the crying. It gets so red when I cry that I look like a red balloon.

Finally finding the right dorm, I knock and wait for him to open. I hope Dylan is actually still here, because it will be hella awkward if he's not.

I didn't tell him I was coming, I didn't text, nothing, so I'm not sure. Which was a very weird decision.

We're not even dating anymore, so what was I thinking?

To my relief, when the door opens, it's indeed Dylan I see and I take a deep breath, feeling more relieved than I thought.

"Alex, what are you doing here?" I don't answer, I take a step forward and I kiss him, making him lose his balance for a second. It's desperate of me, I know, but I need to remind myself why Dylan is the right one for me.

He kisses me back and his face is pure shock, mixed with a smirk when we pull away.

"Can I come in?" I ask. It's not his room, so I don't know if this is a good idea.

He opens the door wide for me and I step inside to the typical boys dorm. Mess everywhere, clothes scattered all around, a box of pizza and a whole male vibe. Well, I'm also trying to ignore the condom package on the nightstand.

"Sorry, the room is a mess. Josh is having his last exam, so it's messier than usual." He explains, as if it was his place. He does spend a lot of time here and crashes sometimes, so he might feel like it's sort of his place as well, I guess.

"It's fine.'' I say, looking around.

"What's going on? I was definitely not expecting you. Is everything ok?" He actually looks concerned.

"Yeah, I was thinking and I just wanted to see you." He smiles and I suddenly feel like shit. See, that's the reason why I came here to see him, because he cares.

Unlike his brother.

That's what I need, someone who cares about me. Someone who thinks I'm important and Dylan has been showing me that he cares. It took us to break up for him to realize, but still.

Better late than never, right?

"I'm happy that you came." He pulls me in a hug that is exactly what I came here looking for. "What do you want to do? I can take you out for dinner.'' He suggests with a smile.

"Can we just stay in for a while?" I say back, taking my jacket off.

"Of course." He nods, taking my jacket from my hand. See, he can be a gentleman too.

We stay in an awkward silence. I'm not sure where to go from here, but then he finally speaks.

''I really am happy you are here. You look beautiful.'' I look down at my red converse. I realize that I'm back to wearing my old clothes. I look the same as I did before last summer.

I smile, before acting on an impulse as I pull him for another kiss and I close my eyes with force, deepening it. He doesn't stop me or ask anything else, like why I'm doing this when we're not together, he just kisses me back.

I suddenly feel the urge to go beyond what we've ever gone before and I push him further and further until he hits Josh's bed.

"Ok, I'm totally digging this." He says and smiles, between kisses.

He sits down and I sit on his lap, my legs on each side of him. He grabs my waist and I feel him pull me closer to him. My heart starts beating fast as I read the signs of what it's about to happen.

I start feeling things I never felt before, mixed with the emotions from earlier.

Dylan kisses my neck and I lean in a bit more, before he lays down on the bed, as I completely hover over him.

He grabs my butt and his hands go up and down my body, making me feel great. Wanted. Important.

"You're amazing, Alex" My heart is filled with a feeling I can't quite describe. It's all I want to hear right now. It's what I need to hear.

Going all the way with him is what I need to prove that we're right for each other.

"I want to do it with you." He moves himself, just enough to look at me.

"Are you sure? I mean, you broke up with me, does this mean--" I kiss him deeply, not letting him finish and already pulling his shirt over his head, going to his jeans next. I don't know what I'm doing, so I'm not thinking about this now. "Should I take this as a yes?"

He smirks and kisses me, doing the same as I just did and pulls my top over my head, so I'm only in my bra in the upper body. I feel embarrassed for a moment, realizing it's the first time I'm this exposed to someone from the opposite gender.

No one has ever seen me in my bra, apart from that idiot from eighth grade who broke into the girls locker room, but that's not what I should be thinking right now.

It's not only about feeling exposed. I've always wanted him to be my first and it's going to happen. I'm about to lose my v-card to Dylan.

Holy shit, how the tables have turned.

Lilly used to make jokes that I would die virgin if I didn't tell him how I feel. Look at me now. Ten years old me would be so proud, even if the situation is more fucked up than it seems.

I pass my hands on his abs and I laugh, like, laugh out loud like an idiot. Opposite from how I felt moments ago.

"Why are you laughing?" He asks, looking down at his abs.

"Do you have any idea how many times I pictured this? I know it might sound lame, but every time I saw you without a shirt on, on practice or the trips to the cabin, I imagined how it would feel to touch you. Not in a sexual way, just... touch you." He smirks.

I know that even if it would normally sound creepy, it's something he totally liked to hear. He always loved the attention.

"You can touch me now." I smile too, placing my hands on his amazing abs once again.

"I totally can." He pulls me back to him and I lower my hand until I meet his boxers.

Suddenly it's hard to breathe and I feel it becoming shallow.

He notices I'm nervous, so he turns us around and I'm now under him. He unbuttons my jeans and slowly pulls it down, his eyes not leaving mine. I press my legs together once the pants are out of the way.

He grabs my feet and I feel my skin tingle as he goes up my legs, my tights and stops on the sides of my panties.

"Do you want me to take them out?" I nod, my breath still shallow.

Before he does it, he comes back to my mouth and kisses me deeply. He finally pulls my panties down and opens my legs, so he can place himself in the right position.

He still has his boxers on and after a few more kisses, he pulls them down and I admire his fully naked body. He stands to go to the nightstand to grab a condom from the package I saw earlier.

That is definitely a good sight. I can't deny that Dylan is seriously hot. Holy shit, Dylan is naked in front of me! I never thought I'd actually see him like this.

I crave my nails on my palms. This is really happening!

"Are you sure? Like, really sure?" I say yes again and he moves forward.

The moment he lushes himself, I feel my world spin around. It's excitement, fear, confusion, all mixed.

I think of Bennett, but I shake my head because all I care about now is Dylan and the fact that - holy shit again - I'm having sex with him.

If there's one thing I didn't imagine happening today was this.

I just lost my virginity.

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Hello Lovely readers,

HOLY SHIT!! Well, well, I said it was the worst decision ever. Alex, come oooon!!!