Bennett's POV

Yeah, summer was over and I felt so guilty.

I think after we were back to our lives, it was even harder to give myself to her. I already mentioned this, but that day that I saw Alex for the first time after summer was over was the realization that I still love her, so I felt even more guilty. 

I definitely don't want to lead her on and although she said she understands, I still feel like a jerk.

''Bennett, we talked about this. I knew what I was doing. I wanted to do it, I wasn't expecting us to get married just because we had sex.'' She said, as I covered my face with my hands.

''I know, I just... we shouldn't have done that.'' She smiled softly at me.

''We're seventeen, I think it's perfectly normal we make dumb decisions. If not now, then when?'' I nodded.

''I hate that I did this to you though.''

''What did you do to me?'' She asked, feeling almost offended. ''Ok, I think we need to clarify some things. I'm grown up, Bennett. I'm totally capable of making my own decisions and if I decided to do it with you, it's because I wanted to. It pisses me off that everyone thinks it's always the man's decision. It was not. I went through with it. I was fully aware of what was going on and of course, I'm not happy that you're mopping for someone else, because I do see us dating eventually, but I knew it.''

Kate is a very decided person. She's not as nearly insecure as I am or as... well, as Alex is. She was right, she is the one who initiated it and decided to move forward.

Still, it didn't make me feel any better.

I only told Don about what happened. I've never mentioned this to anyone else and I intend to keep it that way. The next time it happens, it will be with the girl I love.

That's why this week I called Kate and asked if we could meet. I need to set things straight with her and be fair.

I check my phone for the millionth time as I wait for her to arrive at the coffee shop we agreed to meet at.

The moment she enters the place and waves at me, I feel bad. She comes to the table and gives me a soft kiss on the cheek, making this even worse for what I have to do.

"Are you ok?" She asks, looking concerned, as she sits across from me. "You said you needed to talk."

"Yes, well, I don't know how to start." She nods, serious. I didn't tell her what I wanted to discuss, so I guess it's hitting her that's not going to be a pleasant talk.

"You know you can talk to me about anything, right?" I look at her soft eyes before I nod.

"I know we've been friends for almost a year now. Well, more than friends." She nods, smiling this time. "You know things have been confusing for me and I don't want to lead you on."

"This again?" She adjusts herself on the chair, a frown now on her face.

"Hear me out, please. I know you understand, but I need to do this, for you and for me. I like you Kate, I really do, I just can't commit to you until I sort my feelings out and it's not fair that we look like a couple, we act like it when we're together, but we say we're not." She nods again.

"What are you saying, exactly?"

"I'm saying that we should be just friends. No kissing, holding hands, just friendship. I don't want to be unfair to you and I understand if you don't even want that."

I look at her waiting for a reaction, but she is silent, as she fits the table. It takes her a good minute to reply and I give her space, even if the silence is making me nervous.

"Like I said, I know we're friends. I'm not happy with this, but I understand, I guess. You know I want to date you, so yeah, it sucks."

"I'm sorry." I honestly say, because I don't know what else to tell her.

"Is it because of Alex?" I contemplate her question.

"I don't know how to answer this, to be honest."

"Did something happen between you two?" She asks with a disapproving face.

"We kissed." She takes a deep breath and I can tell she's definitely not happy. "But it doesn't mean anything. Alex and I will never happen, so I guess I'm doing this because of us. I just want to be fair with you. It's not ok to act the way we do if we're not dating and when I have feelings for someone else."

"Just so you know, I kind of hate her. Don't get me wrong, but she doesn't know your value and I resent her for that."

I control myself not to tell her that she's wrong, that Alex is not a bad person, but I stop myself. That's not the point of this conversation and considering her reaction when I said we kissed, it would only add wood to the fire.

"I don't know how it happened, but let me guess, she went running to your brother, right? That's why you're saying you will never happen?" I can only nod.

"I just don't want us to stop being friends." I say instead, focusing it back on us. I don't want to discuss whatever happened between me and Alex with Kate. This would be even more fucked up.

"I don't want that either." She says and I feel relieved. "I guess I just need some time, you know, to process this." I nod. It's good enough that she doesn't hate me for doing this.

She then stands up, rounds the small table and gives me another soft kiss on the cheek, before she heads to the door.

Before she leaves, she calls my name though.

"I hope your confusion goes away soon and I hope I'll still be here for you when you need." She smiles and it makes me feel terrible.

Seriously, why can't I love her? It would make things so much easier. It would be easy, fun, we are good for each other, so I don't understand why do I have to love someone who doesn't love me back instead.

I hope one day that happens. I just need to fall out of love with Alex.

I look at my coffee cup and now that I sorted what I needed to with Kate, I can contemplate my situation with Alex again.

Considering our current status, how pissed I was at the cabin trip, how I was treating her after that, yeah, I guess that might happen soon. The fall out of love, I mean.

Well, the college fair was just a symptom of all this fucked up situation. She wanted to know why I was ignoring her, but how could I tell her that it was because I couldn't stand to be near her after what Dylan told me.

It was not just that, he texted me on the same day of the fair, which is unlike him. He never texts me.

The couple messages said that if I saw Alex at school, to give her the message that he loved their night together - with a winky emoji - and that he was looking forward to seeing her at a party or whatever where they could repeat that amazing 'thing'. Yeah, he typed 'thing' with quotes, leaving me to imagine what that meant.

I replied with a simple "fuck you". I tried to keep my temper in check, but it was impossible. He then sent me a gif with a couple making out, followed by a photo of them, where Alex is kissing his cheek while he's smiling. I deleted it right after, because I hated seeing it.

Yeah, he definitely knows how to get under my skin. That message wasn't for me to tell Alex anything. It was directed to me.

But if I had any doubts when he told me he would sneak into her room at the cabin, after these messages, I was sure. They had sex.

I hate even thinking about it. Alex had sex with my brother. I knew this was going to happen, but actually knowing that it happened is too painful.

Whatever hope I had that she was going to tell him about us was gone.

So at the fair, I couldn't tell her that I was pissed because I was still picturing her sleeping with my brother, doing the 'thing', so when she insisted on why I was ignoring her, I asked about Dylan and she brought up Kate, making this even more fucked up than it already was.

I thought the trip to the cabin and the shit between me and Dylan were the last straw for me, but then the party happened.

I for sure didn't see that coming.

I was fuming that she came to my room and suddenly, she was going after him again, but when she called me and I realized she was crying, I had no choice.

When I got to the address she sent me and I saw her in a corner, looking like a scared little kid, I wanted to go after Dylan.

I wanted to punch him so fucking bad for leaving her alone in that party, for not treating her how she deserves, for not valuing her enough, for the messages, so many reasons I can't even count.

It made even more clear that the messages were to piss me off. If he was looking forward seeing her, why the fuck would he leave her there alone?

I just hope for his own sake that he didn't have sex with her and now is treating her like this after getting what he wanted, because if that's the case, God have mercy on him, because I will fucking destroy him.

I saw the scratch on her face and I was seeing red after that, because even after that happened, she was defending him.

How was it even possible?

I realized that day that I'm no different than her. No matter what she does to me, I'm still there. I stop whatever I'm doing to help her, we argued and still, there I was.

It clicked for me that day. I meant when I said to her that day that I was done. All this will be gone when I go to college, which is a major relief.

That's why I want to give other people a chance, which is exactly what I'm doing now with Nancy. Well, not exactly in the way you think. It's not in a romantic way, I don't want to date anyone. I'm actually just helping her with her volunteering work to teach kids science, but still.

I just spent the last two hours in the shelter where she volunteers talking about astronomy and showing a bunch of cool stuff to the kids, which was really fun.

The part of me giving her a chance is that I said yes when she asked if I wanted to go to the diner to grab some burgers after we were done. This is far from being a date, but I would usually just go home, so being here at the diner even just as friends is already more than I would normally do, so I consider this opening up to new people.

Nancy is cool and we've been friends since freshman year, when she moved to our city and joined the math club.

She's the girl that keeps glaring at Alex whenever she's around, which makes me think that my feelings for Alex are not that much of a secret after all.

I know she has had a crush on me for a while. I can tell when she flirts with me, like that day we went to the exhibition and she sat next to me on the bus, so I was careful not to give Nancy the wrong message. We're just two friends having dinner after teaching science to kids. It's not a big deal.

"Are you ok?'' I look to my side and blink at the girl standing in front of me. ''You seemed distracted the whole way here." Nancy says as we sit at the corner booth of the diner. All those thoughts were on my mind, so I kept answering her questions on the way here, not paying much attention, which makes me a terrible company.

"It's nothing, I just have a lot on my mind." I reply, shaking my head.

"About college?" She smiles and I feel bad.

"Yeap." I couldn't say it wasn't exactly college I was thinking about, it was more like the girl I want to stay away from when I go to college.

"Do you already know where you'll go? I mean, I'm sure you'll get accepted everywhere." I smile, not wanting to talk about it.

This is the pressure people put on me that I hate.

"Thanks for asking me to help with the kids. It was really cool.'' I say instead, wanting to change the topic.

"Yeah, I guess you have a fan club now." She says, a genuine smile on her face. The kids were really excited and asked a lot of questions, so I get what she means.

She's easy to talk to and the conversation goes to our favorite books, favorite music and movies and I realize we do have a lot in common.

After we were done with dinner, I drove her home, feeling actually tired. It's been a long day.

"This was nice." I say as I walk her to the front door of her house, that is literally a few houses down the street from my place.

I try not to think if Dylan is home as my mom said he's in town. Well, he's probably with Alex, apologizing to her for being an asshole and she's probably forgiving him, as usual.

Stop Bennett. That's not what you should be thinking about. I turn to face Nancy, now pretending my house is not even there.

"So..." she says, waiting for me to do something. She's playing with her keys and I feel weird, knowing what it means. I should just say bye and get out of here.

I watched Hitch more times than I'd like. Although it's a rom-com, I was always intrigued by the techniques. I wonder if that shit works in real life.

She looks up to meet my eyes and I kind of panic. I mean, this is not a date and I thought I made that clear. She is a cool girl, but we're just friends.

I don't have time to think it through, because the next thing I know, she launches herself to me and plants her lips on mine.

I stay frozen in place, not really kissing her back and that's the moment I know it.

Kissing Nancy felt wrong, even if I wasn't kissing her back. It did make me realize one thing though.

Unfortunately, I still want to be with Alex with all my being.

.........................

Hello Lovely Readers,

Well, I don't even know what to say about this chapter about Bennett not being a virgin, Dylan being manipulative, lying and playing with his brother's emotions...

I feel a bit overwhelmed with this chapter, because it's really a lot to take in. The next chapter is going to be as intense as this one, at least in my view this was a pretty intense one, right?

PLEASE, share your thoughts! What do you think about all of it? What do you think is coming next?

I will update soon, because I can't wait!!

Love always,

Me